Chapter 20 - Throw Me Away

The quiet and darkness of the house was a warm welcome for Ayana and Roman as he unlocked the door and pushed it open allowing his wife to enter before him. Ayana watched as Roman closed and locked the front door before he turned and faced her.

"So - this has been an interesting night." Ayana said quietly.

Roman nodded. "Yes it has. I can't argue with that." He tossed his keys on the table by the front door.

"Are you hungry? I think there's a pizza in the freezer; it wouldn't take long to get it going and I'm pretty sure you got some beer in the fridge to go with it." Ayana offered. She smiled as he nodded.

"That actually sounds like it would be great." Roman stated as they both chuckled when his stomach let out a deep growl. Roman watched as she turned on her heels and headed to the kitchen. He could hear her in there getting things situated and ready.

It didn't take long before the scent of the pizza was filling the entire house; making Roman's stomach growl even louder at the thought of eating. He walked into the kitchen and watched Ayana pulled two glasses out of the freezer and poured both of them a nice frosty beer before taking the pizza out of the oven and slicing it up and plating it.

Roman took a seat at the counter on one of the stools and watched as she hopped up on the counter; it reminded him of their high school days when they first start dating only it was Coke and Pizza. He couldn't believe they had actually been together for 15 years. They had been with each other for half their lives. He couldn't imagine doing this with anyone else; the marriage, the kids, the past and present.

The present was currently weighing heavy on his mind. He knew his 30 days was up with her and it was time for him to be a man.

Once the pizza had been eaten and the beer drank; Roman volunteered to clean up so Ayana could get a shower or even a bubble bath in before they went to bed.

Ayana was not going to pass up the opportunity to get a nice warm shower in. After the scare they'd had earlier in the night with her parents trying to take Samaria all her nerves were standing on end; she felt like she couldn't get herself to relax. She knew Dean and Nala treated their sons and daughter as if they were their own kids.

Ayana decided on a shower because she already knew if she did a bubble bath she would NOT be getting out of the tub that night. The hot water soothed and relaxed her entire body; from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She towel dried her waist length hair as she slipped a pair of black cotton shorts on and a red racerback tank top. She walked into the bedroom and stopped when she noticed Roman sitting on the end of the bed with his arms folded. He looked concerned and worried at the same time.

"What's wrong?" She asked cautiously.

Roman shook his head negatively. "Come sit down." He unfolded his arms as he rubbed the palms of his hands up and down his jean covered knees.

"This is the talk isn't it?" She asked softly and exhaled slowly as he nodded. She walked over and sat next to Roman facing him and watched as he turned towards her.

Roman swallowed hard as he took her hands in his. This was going to be the hardest talk he would have with her. He thought talking her out of aborting Braden would be harder; he was wrong - that ended up being the easiest talk they ever had.

"You know, when I decided to ask you to that dance 15 years ago, I never imagined in a million years that this is where we would end up. I dated a few girls before you moved to town and none of them ever once asked me what I wanted to do with my life or encouraged me to pursue my love of football the way you did. None of them cheered as loud as you did at my games or supported me quite like you." Roman sighed heavily.

"When we decided to keep Braden I knew from the first minute I got you back in my truck I had to step up and be a man. I had to support you and provide for you and our son. One son turned into three with a daughter as our fourth. All the fighting we did to keep our family from falling apart and we never once gave up on each other. Hell even at 9 months pregnant and due any day you walked into the football stadium and yelled louder than my whole family. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you and I will never love anyone else as long as I live." Roman swallowed hard once more.

Ayana placed her free hand on top of Roman's and squeezed. "Just tell me Roman. Tell me what it is eating away at your insides so badly that you thought we couldn't talk about it - that caused you to alienate me - that caused us to run to other people for affection - what caused us to almost lose each other?"

Roman exhaled as he's stormy grey eyes locked with concerned blues. "Two years ago, when you lost the twins...I - I was devastated. I can't even begin to pretend to understand what you were going through because you were carrying them one minute and the next both heartbeats were lost and you had to have them aborted. I watched as you kept it together during the day for the kids and cried your heart and soul out at night when they were asleep. At one point I was scared to death to leave you to go on the road because I was afraid I was going to get a phone call - you know THE phone call saying I'm sorry Mr. Reigns your wife has committed suicide but your kids are ok."

Ayana blinked as a river of tears rolled down her cheeks. She remembered that two years ago. Hell she was scared when Roman went back on the road after she lost the twins. She didn't honestly think she was going to make it either. There were days when the pain was so bad that in her mind she begged for death to be with her babies. "Roman..." She whimpered.

Roman shook his head. "I knew you would've never done that. I saw the way the kids lit up your life. I knew you were forcing yourself to survive for them and for me. When you started going to therapy and you got better; that was probably the best thing you did. And now that I think about it. I will tell you right now; I should have gone with you or gone to my own therapist. I didn't realize how much a woman's body changes during pregnancy and how much you or I was affected by the miscarriages. I didn't get it until it happened. I didn't get it with the first four babies we were blessed with, but I got it with the twins."

Ayana watched as huge tears began to slide down her husband's cheeks. She'd only ever seen him cry a handful of times, when each of their children was born and sweetly enough on their wedding day. She honestly couldn't even remember if he'd cried the day they couldn't hear the twins heartbeats. She'd been so wrapped up in her own fear and anxiety she didn't even ask him if he was okay. Ayana reached up as she gently wiped under his beautiful grey eyes. "I never even asked how it affected you Roman - I'm so sorry."

"Do not apologize to me. I don't deserve your apologizes because what I put you through for the last two years has been despicable. All I had to do was open my mouth and tell you how I felt or what I was thinking and we could've avoided all the bullshit from the last two years. All the pain. I got into this mindset that if I had sex with you again and you got pregnant again and you had another miscarriage. I wouldn't be able to survive; let alone knowing you wouldn't be able to survive another one." Roman shook his head. "I was absolutely terrified to touch you; stopping every with you was my way of controlling everything. It was my way of making sure you NEVER had to go through that again. You would never be depressed again and you wouldn't have to miss anymore babies we lost - other than those two. I never wanted to see you ever look at me that sad again. I figured alienating you was for the best. In my mind it was the right thing to do."

"Why tell me all of this now Roman? I know what I went through, but why are you trying to control me?" Anaya stood from the bed and slowly started to pace. "All you had to do was say baby I want to make love but I want to wear a condom or I want to pull out. I would've been able to ask you and you could've just told me. I could've found us a therapist together or found one for you, or a support group - whatever you needed."

Roman stood up as he tried grabbing her hands and she stepped back out of reach. "Baby I didn't know how. I didn't understand why I was thinking it all I didn't get any of it. All I knew was that if I just stopped everything it could stop us from repeating the bad stuff; the stuff you fought to get through"

"The bad stuff Roman?" Ayana questioned as her hands balled into fists. "The bad stuff wasn't even going through the miscarriage or going through the depression. The bad stuff started when the doctor cleared me to have sex again and my fuckin husband didn't want anything to do with me! The bad stuff was me feeling like my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore because I couldn't get him to make love to me."

"THE BAD STUFF ROMAN WAS ME GOING TO ANOTHER MAN BECAUSE I COULDN'T GET MY HUSBAND TO EVEN LOOK AT ME!" Ayana exploded as she swung on her husband and ended up punching him in the mouth.

Ayana ran her fingers through her hair gripping the ends; feeling like she just wanted to rip it out in handfuls. "The bad stuff Roman was finding out you could fuck the shit out of Sasha Banks but you couldn't put any effort into letting your wife know you still loved her. That you could do anything with Sasha Banks but for some reason you couldn't do it with your wife! THAT was the bad stuff Roman."

Ayana could see blood trickling out of Roman's mouth, she clearly busted his lip. Any other time he was bleeding on camera and she would freak out and be scared to death for him. Right now she was too pissed off to care. "I waited for you for two years to tell me you loved me - to tell me you still wanted me as your wife - to tell me that no matter what we went through that you would always be by my side." Ayana shoved Roman as hard as she could and watched as his back his the wall hard. "And you took it upon yourself to just stop everything? You made a choice for both of us when it wasn't your choice to make."

"I thought it was what was best for us. I know it was selfish but I didn't know any other way Ayana. I swear I didn't understand what I was thinking or feeling and I damn sure didn't know how to tell you. You've been the love of my life and best friend for the last 15 years and I didn't know how to talk to you. It was almost as if I forgot how." Roman argued. He was letting her get her frustrations out he knew he deserved all of this.

"Oh for Fuck sakes Roman, it wasn't even the fact that you couldn't open your mouth. You stood by and purposely alienated me. You alienated your own fuckin wife because you didn't want me getting pregnant again. I had one miscarriage and now suddenly you walk away and decide to make decisions for the both of us." Ayana snapped. "I never gave up on us Roman, you did. You just decided because you couldn't handle another miscarriage that I wouldn't be able to handle it either so you cut off everything. I had to go to another man to feel like a woman again."

"That was NEVER my intentions I never meant for you to go to someone else. I never thought in a million years you would have cheated Ayana." Roman growled as he banged on the wall with his closed fist. "And don't stand there and tell me you could handle another miscarriage you BARELY made it out alive with the twins. Can you even imagine what would happen if you got pregnant again after that only to have another miscarriage? You would've brought a whole new meaning to the word devastation."

"Would it have hurt? Yes! Would I feel like a little piece of me died inside like it did when I love the twins? Hell yes! But would I just decide that I never wanted to go through it again so I decide to alienate my husband? NO! If the roles were reversed you would've done the same thing to me you asshole and you know it. Hell you did. You went to a girl when you were married to a woman!" Ayana snarled. "I just wanted to be touched. I wanted to be kissed. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to FEEL love. I want to FEEL ANYTHING. I wanted to feel it all from my husband. I wanted to feel it from you. I couldn't even get you to look at me naked. All the times I went to bed naked and tried to just get you going and you just laid their either ignoring me or pretending to snore so you wouldn't have to touch me. Like I was some kind of repulsive piece of crap."

"I deserved better than that Roman. I deserve better than this. I know I cheated on you first but you tell me what was I supposed to do? Even after that first blow up we had when I saw you and Sasha together you still didn't want a divorce but you clearly still didn't want me." Ayana pointed out. "For someone who states they love me so much - why do you keep throwing me away?" Ayana asked before she grabbed her pillow. "I'm sleeping in the spare room. I think it's for the best right now." Throwing his words back in his face she walked out.

Roman heard the spare room door downstairs slam shut.

This was just a cluster fuck. Now Roman really had to figure out how to save his marriage...and soon or he feared he might not be able to save it at all.