Tobias makes homemade thin crust pepperoni pizza for supper, another recipe he got from Hana, Zeke and Uriah's mother, who has become like a second mother to many Dauntless transfers including Tobias and me. Spending time with her makes me miss my mom less and more at the same time.
After we eat the delicious pepperoni and mozzarella cheese covered pizza, Tobias brings the many bags of decorations into the living room and places them near the naked fir standing tall in our living room. He hands me a couple of paper bags full of raw cranberries, some strong but extremely thin cord, and a needle and tells me to start stringing the cranberries into garland we'll wind around the tree. He makes several large knots in the end of the cord to stop the cranberries from just slipping off the end, and strings the first few after seeing the questioning look in my eyes. Once he hands me my project, I hold the needle gently between the thumb and index finger of my left hand gauging the amount of pain in the broken hand and start stringing the cranberries just like Tobias showed me, making it look exactly like a long rope of cranberry-colored pearls.
Tobias moves the large tree out away from the wall of windows so he can walk all the way around it freely, causing the clean scent of pine to fill the apartment. When I'm not diligently stringing the cranberries, my eyes are on him, watching closely what he's doing. He moves out of my sight for a moment and comes back with a couple small brightly colored boxes. He opens the first box and removes its contents. It's a string of bright multi-colored lights. He then opens the second box and connects the two strands of lights together. He then carefully gathers the lights and starts winding them around the tree starting at the top and working his way down. I realize I've stopped stringing the cranberries but when I start again a sharp pain shoots through my hand. I'm not sure how, but Tobias notices me wince.
"Are you okay?" he asks just as he comes out from behind the tree with lights wrapped around one arm. I laugh at the look of something so delicate wrapped around his strong arm.
"I don't think I can string anymore cranberries, my hand is starting to hurt a little," I confess, leaning forward to move the ottoman my way so I can put my right ankle up. It's started throbbing also. "Can you get me some acetaminophen out of the upstairs bathroom's medicine cabinet when you get done with the lights?"
"What about a pain pill?" he asks, concern filling his eyes.
"I'll take one before we go to bed. I would like to be conscious when we're decorating our tree. I should say when you are decorating the tree. I'm pretty useless over here," I say matter-of-factly. I sigh loudly, and he meets my eyes once again. "I'm tired of not being able to walk. Hopefully, the doctor will take off all the restrictions at my next appointment." He knows I'm not talking only about wanting to walk, we've waited long enough.
As soon as he finishes winding the lights around the tree he goes upstairs and gets me two more acetaminophen tablets. He gives them to me then sits down next to me and finishes stringing the cranberry garland while we talk about our day. When he finishes the garland, he winds it around the tree starting at the bottom and working his way up, making sure they aren't on any of the branches the lights have fallen on. Next he pulls one of our eight kitchen barstools over to the center of our living room right in front of the tree then comes to me, picks me up, and deposits me on the barstool.
"What is this for?" I ask.
"We are decorating the tree. You're going to help me hang the ornaments the best you can," he says, handing me a bright red round glass ball with a smile. He shows me how to hang it on the end of a branch with the ornament hanger. We take turns hanging the various ornaments, which are as simple as clear glass balls and as ornate as hand-painted toy soldiers from Amity. When all the ornaments are hung, he puts me in the middle of the couch and takes the barstool back to the kitchen. Then he plugs the lights that are now wrapped around the tree into a little box and plugs the box into the electrical outlet. He carries a little remote with him and hands it to me. Finally, he goes over to the far wall and turns off the lights in the apartment. He comes over and carefully sits on the couch next to me and pulls me into his arms.
"Do you feel the switch on the top of the remote?" he asks me. "Switch it to the right." I feel the small rectangle of plastic in my hand and find the switch he is talking about and slide it to the right. We both gasp and stare. The tree is absolutely breathtaking. The lights look like shiny multicolored gems all over a dark green background. They're reflecting off the shiny surfaces of the round ornaments, sending sparkling prisms onto the floor, ceiling, and dark windows.
"You said this is your first Christmas tree also, Tobias. Why didn't you have one the past two years?" I ask, not taking my mesmerized eyes off the beautiful sight in front of us. "I would have thought after not being able to celebrate anything your first 16 years you would have jumped at the chance. I would have."
"It really didn't interest me. Honestly, Tris, not much did interest me before I met you," he says leaning toward me and laying his lips on mine. He kisses me quickly, making sure not to reignite the passion that fizzled out not so long ago. "Our firsts aren't only about the physical side of love but the emotional side also. I'm glad this is another first we're experiencing together."
"The emotional side of love," I murmur. "Christina mentioned that when we were discussing 'the talk' earlier this week." My mind drifts back to that conversation.
"Why were you talking about that?"
"The nurse from the clinic, Isobel, recognized me at Christina's appointment from ours. I could see by the look in Christina's eyes that she wasn't going to let go how the nurse knew me so I told her about my birth control appointment. Our conversation evolved from there. She asked about what my mom told me about sex." I look up into Tobias' eyes feeling the heat rise into my cheeks. This is a conversation we have never had before. One that it's probably best we're having now. "I have to be honest, Tobias, she didn't tell me much. Just the mechanics of what it is, what goes were so to speak." We both laugh lightly, embarrassed. "She told me it was only to be done between a husband and wife and it was only to have children. She really left me thinking she and my dad had only had sex twice in their lives. She didn't tell me anything else. Christina's mom told her there was also an emotional side to sex and to tell you the truth, I kind of feel cheated that my mom didn't feel she could tell me the truth, whatever the truth is. Everything about Abnegation is based on selflessness, how selfless can you be to give yourself to another person wholly?"
"My father didn't tell me much different than your mom told you," he says, his words just barely over a whisper. I wonder when this topic will become easier for us. "He did tell me sex can be very selfish if you're only doing it for your own pleasure. It's probably the best advice I got from him. I've gotten more of an education here just by hanging out with the guys."
"I know what you mean," I say leaning back into him to look toward our tree again. He gently wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. "You wouldn't think the subject of sex would constantly come up in a group of girls but it does. I shed a little self-consciousness every time the topic comes up when I'm with them. Of course, the subject of you and me comes up a lot. Christina still cannot believe we haven't. She asks me how I can live with you and be this close," I caress his arm, "and not ... I tell her it's difficult some times."
"Like now," he says kissing the top of my head.
"Yes. It's very difficult right now."
"Yes, it is. Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks.
"You could forget what the doctor said," I say teasingly but he doesn't answer like he's actually thinking about dismissing what the doctor said. "Tobias?"
"We, I ... Tris, we have to do what the doctor says." I turn in his arms so I'm looking up in his eyes. I let my eyes plead with his. There's conflict there. I'm 99% certain if I kissed him right now, I would get my way, and we wouldn't be waiting anymore but suddenly a pain hits in my shin that hasn't been present all day and Tobias springs into protection mode. He gently turns me back around in his arms and pushes me away. He goes to the kitchen and gets my nightly medication. I want to argue but since the pain has made itself known, it's screaming at me.
"Could you take me upstairs, please?" I ask after I take the pills. He leans over and gets one arm around my back and the other under my knees, and I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck. As he carries me toward the steps, I pull his mouth to mine. He kisses me, never letting his lips leave mine until he gently lies me down on the bed. He starts to pull away but I grab him back down to me ignoring the pain in my left hand, trying to get his shirt off.
"Tris," he says against my open mouth. "You're killing my self-control." He pushes back to get off of me, breathless, and I'm powerless to stop him. I push out my bottom lip and pout. "Nope, you're not getting your way by pouting tonight. Do you want some PJs or are you going to sleep in your clothes tonight."
"I would like some PJs," I say as I try to sit up and take my shirt off. He pushes me back down onto the bed, and I look up at him. He mumbles something about drunk.
"Beatrice Prior, listen to me," he says sternly, then adds under his breath, "if you can. Your pain pills have kicked in. I'm just going to let you sleep here. I'm going to go sleep in the other room." Panic spreads through me. I can't sleep without him.
I reach out to him and scream, "NO!" I try to slow my now hammering heart. "Please don't leave me. I'll be good," I slur. Oh, something's not right with me. I narrow my eyes at Tobias and look at him. He looks torn. He turns and goes to the dresser and gets me a sleep set and brings it back to me.
"I'm going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. If you want to put this on, do it while I'm out of the room, please." He tosses the clothes at me and heads for the hallway. I carefully get out of my pants and into the sleep shorts but I'm having trouble with the shirt. I sit on the edge of the bed in just my bra trying to get the camisole on when Tobias comes back into the room. I hear him groan but can't see his face since my head is wrapped with fabric.
"Help," I squeak. I don't want him to be mad at me. He walks over and takes the camisole off the top of my head and untangles it. He asks me to lift my arms, and he puts the camisole on like he's helping a 2-year-old. I reach around trying to unhook my bra but let out a defeated sigh. I look up at him, and he just stares for a moment. "I can get it off if you unhook it. I don't like sleeping in my bra." He slowly walks to the bed, lifts the back of my camisole and unhooks the eyes one at a time then he walks out of the bedroom. I decide to let him go. I fiddle with my bra until I magically whisk it off without having to remove my shirt.
I look around for my crutches but they must be downstairs. How am I supposed to get to the bathroom if I can't walk? I know I should call out for Tobias, but I think he needs to cool off. I've upset him, and I'm not entirely sure how. My mind isn't thinking very clearly at the moment. Fatigue is weighing me down. I get up on my good leg and slowly lower myself to the floor. I get on all fours and crawl across our bedroom and out into the hallway being careful of my left shin, right ankle, and my broken wrist. Soon my head bumps into a pair of muscular shins.
"What are you doing, Tris?" he asks. I look up at him and a wave of vertigo comes over me. I put my head down waiting for the room to stop spinning.
"I have to go to the bathroom, but I knew you were mad at me, so I thought I could get there this way," I say, a yawn escaping. I can tell he's deciding whether to step out of my way to let me continue or help me up. Chivalry wins out, and he helps me to my feet. He then carefully sweeps me up in his arms and carries me into the bathroom.
Once I'm done, I call out for him, and he silently carries me back into our bedroom and gently lies me down on my side of the bed. He crosses the room and turns out the light. I hold my breath waiting for the bed to move. I'm not sure it will. Soon I feel the gentle sway of the bed as he sits down and let out the breath I am holding. He lies down and before I turn my back to him to let him pull me to him like he does every night, I reach out and touch his face.
"I'm sorry for my behavior tonight, Tobias. I don't know what happened to me," I say, slurring the words as I go. "I love you. Please don't hate me." Then I roll my back to him. After a long minute he pulls me into his arms and sighs. Before I drift off, I swear I hear him say he could never hate me.
When I wake up a little after 5 a.m., Tobias has left me a note saying he went for a run. This surprises me because just yesterday he said he didn't want me left alone in the apartment. Last night is starting to come back to me, and I realize I was acting as badly as he did the night he came home drunk. This bothers me because I've never so much as had one sip of alcohol, and my medication has never given me that reaction before. I see my phone next to my bed and call the infirmary and ask to talk to the nurse on duty. Soon Emily, my purple-haired nurse, answers the phone. I tell her who I am, and she quickly remembers me because of my supposed bad attitude. I ask her if there's some sort of drug interaction between the medications I'm taking and acetaminophen because I had a side effect last night I've never had before, it was like I was drunk. She puts me on hold for a few minutes and then tells me my pain pills and acetaminophen interact to cause a euphoric-like state. I thank her for the information before I hang the phone up and set it on my night stand.
I must have fallen back to sleep because soon I realize someone is talking to me. I turn my head on my pillow and find Tobias, freshly showered, looking down at me. I carefully take in his face trying to read his expression but it seems carefully contained.
"You went for a run?" I ask cautiously.
"Yes. I needed to let off some steam. Are you feeling better?" he asks, a sly smile crossing his face. I bury my head in my pillow while his laughter shakes the bed. I feel him slide down closer to me in bed, and I look into his amused eyes.
"You're not mad at me? I was horrible last night."
"You remember all that? I think I know what you would be like if you were to ever get drunk," he says then seriously adds, "and no I didn't like it. You get a bit handsy." I groan at that. We are quite the pair. Just add alcohol and we can't keep our hands off of one another.
"I called the infirmary this morning because I knew it wasn't normal behavior. I'm not supposed to take my pain medication with acetaminophen, it causes a euphoric-like state. I didn't think I was euphoric last night but I definitely was ... something."
"Can I ask you a question?" he asks, suddenly all serious again.
"You can ask me anything," I say.
"Was I as bad as you were last night the night I came home drunk?" I think about his question while I stare into the endless depths of his eyes.
"Yes," I say.
"I had no idea. I really am sorry, Tris." An echo from last night rings in my head.
"Did you call me Beatrice last night?" I ask, trying to remember why he would do that.
"Yes. First you tried to get me out of my clothes and then yourself. I was having enough issues with self-control last night, I didn't need to see you without your clothes on." I bury my head again to let the blush leave my face then slowly turn my head to look at him. "I think we need to make some ground rules, just until the doctor clears us for ... recreational activities." I giggle at that.
"What kind of ground rules?" I ask, knowing at least one. Stupid doctor.
"No asking me to ignore the doctor's orders for one," he says. Yep, I know him so well.
"You wanted to ignore them," I state. "I could see it in your eyes, Tobias."
"You are absolutely right, Tris," he says, caressing my face. "I was ready to make love to you last night, but then I saw pain in your eyes and one desire was replaced with another. My desire to protect you and keep you safe will always override my physical desires."
"I love you, Four," I say.
"I love you, too, Six," he says placing his lips lightly against mine. He pulls away too soon for my liking. "Now back to the ground rules."
"Basically, we can't do anything that will make us want to have sex until the doctor, the stupid doctor, says it's okay." He laughs at my irritated expression.
"Basically," he says still chuckling. He leans down to place his lips to mine once again when we hear a loud knocking at the apartment door. He turns his head to look at the clock and groans. It's only shortly after 8 a.m. on a Sunday. He quickly kisses me before getting out of bed.
"What could this be about at this time of day? The last time we were interrupted, someone died," he says as he makes his way out of our bedroom. I hope that isn't the case. I hear his footsteps on the stairs, and I hear them carry him to the door. I strain to figure out who he's talking with but I can't quite make out the other voice. Soon Tobias' footsteps are quickly bringing him up the stairs. When he's standing in front of me, all his color is gone. I sit up, alarmed.
"What is it Tobias?" I ask.