Teach Me Again

Standing in the square, standing protected in the shadow of the gazebo, Rory looked over at Lane's apartment. The whole band was over there - she could hear them even before she could see them. Probably better to go over later, when Lane and I can find some girl time. What now, then? I can't face Mom yet, maybe I'll get a coffee and - figure it out later, I guess.

She crossed the square, pulling her sweater tighter around her rail thin body, emphasizing her vulnerability and adding a pathetic dimension to her expression. Two pairs of eyes watched her sad walk of introspection. They were just two of the many Stars Hollow people who'd been guardian angels for Rory for years, and they knew her emotions even when they weren't as obviously displayed as they were now.

Her coffee was ready at the counter when she entered. She looked up at him gratefully as Luke indicated her seat. He has his special 'Dad Luke' face on, she mused, and not the teasing face, but the 'you can tell me anything' face. She was glad she didn't need that version of Luke often, but even happier that she saw it today.

Sliding onto her stool, she took a sip of the still-hot coffee.

"He's gone?" Luke asked. There was no need to clarify who that pronoun referred to.

"Yeah. He had to go back to work."

"You'll figure it out; you know that, don't you?" Luke's heart felt a twinge of pain as he recalled the other times Jess had made Rory unhappy and wished there were an easy solution. Sadly, the solutions at age 19 were going to be harder, now that they'd started an adult relationship.

She looked up at him. "He really loves me, I'm sure of that," she said, "but I don't know if we'll ever find common ground."

"Rory, he's always loved you. I can't remember a time when he didn't." His voice was gruff, noting the irony. Gilmore girls and Danes men, made for each other or an (un)natural disaster in the making. Kinda hard to figure out which it was sometimes.

Her sad eyes shone with gratitude and love for him. Dad. Step-dad. Almost Step-dad. The label didn't matter; he'd always been there for her. "Can I get the rest to go? I need to go to the Dragonfly soon."

Luke poured fresh coffee into a to-go cup and closed the lid, grateful to not have to look at her pitiful expression for a moment.

She had her money out, ready to pay. "Family doesn't pay," he said, "I don't want to see your money here again." Luke walked her to the door, gave her a big hug, and watched her walk away.

Slightly encouraged by his words, Rory picked up her pace. She glanced nervously at Miss Patty's studio as she walked by, trying not to think about this morning. Suddenly Miss Patty called her over.

"Rory! Can you come here for just a second?" she said. "I need to go into the back for a couple of minutes. Can you please watch the girls?"

"Sure, happy to help out," Rory replied. 'Happy may have been a stretch, but a distraction could be good.

"Just pick them up if they fall and make sure we don't have a nudist colony when I get back. These 3 year olds just love taking their clothes off. Me, too, but I was a lot older," she quipped. As she often did, Miss Patty laughed merrily at her own joke.

Rory joined the girls in their circle as the CD played their dance music. They held hands, moving in a circle for a while, then everyone dropped hands and jumped around to the chorus. Back to the circle again, Rory smiled, enjoying the tension-easing mindlessness of the dancing and the happy expressions of the girls.

Patty gave them enough time together to ascertain that Rory's mood had brightened a little before joining them in the studio.

"Jess has gone?" she asked kindly.

"Yes," Rory answered a touch too politely. "He's going to call tonight when he gets home."

"Women and men with busy lives have to learn to deal with separation, honey. On tour, I found that the best thing to do was to keep busy."

"Yeah, I guess so," she mumbled.

"Of course, I had a couple of times when I forgot that I was supposed to be busy with someTHING, not someONE! Ended a marriage because I got that wrong once," she chuckled loudly.

Rory couldn't help smiling at Patty. She missed the manic workload of school, never had to figure out how to stay busy at Yale.

"Sure, sweetie. Come by anytime you want to talk or whatever. I'm there for you." She waved goodbye to Rory, who turned the corner and was gone.

Patty lit a cigarette and relished once more the beauty of Stars Hollow. People had stopped asking a long time ago why she lived here. She'd been around the world, played in lots of dives as well as some giant venues, seen all the exciting cities: Paris, New York, Rio. None was more vibrant and interesting than this town. Fine, some of the costumes were more colorful in the big cities, and there weren't nearly as many naked people on any given day, but everyone in Stars Hollow lived as passionately and completely as any big city person.

She could read people. In this friendly burg, she knew who was happy, who'd been arguing, who'd just had sex. She watched people grow up, thinking their private thoughts, never realizing that others, especially Patty, could see their secrets written on their faces and in their actions. She knew which "Taylor crimes" Jess had committed when he lived here, and when Rory fell for him instead of Dean. The thing she knew best of all was how to let others live their own lives. She tried never to betray what she knew, unless she believed they needed a kick in the butt. That's why she turned back to her dancers, they needed her help immediately as exemplified by the fact that tutus were flying around the room.

"Hi Mom, it's me."

"Lorelai?" The woman on the other end of the phone always had to confirm Lorelai's identity, as if she could still never quite believe that her daughter would contact her by choice.

Luke's advice was to just stay cool and be direct. I can do this. I can do this. If I can run a friggin' inn, I can make a simple call and stay calm while doing it. Maybe. Hopefully.

"Yes, Mom, have you got a minute?"

"Certainly, Lorelai. All I've got left this afternoon is some gardening. What can I do for you?" Emily was a little surprised, but she couldn't detect any of Lorelai's normal mania. She sat down on a stone bench, still fiddling with her flowers in the tall planter next to her.

"Well, first I'd like to confirm that you're coming for lunch on Sunday. Two p.m. is the best time for us, because the test run will be over and we'll all need a bit of a break. You can help us read the comment cards; there are usually some unintentionally funny ones in the batch."

"Two p.m. is fine. Is there a dress code?"

"No, Mom, we're pretty casual here. Although, now that you mention it, if the weather's good, I'd like to eat on our side terrace, so come dressed for al fresco dining. Nobody's used the new garden furniture yet, and I'd like to give the kitchen staff some practice serving out there."

"Lorelai, that sounds like fun. This was a relief; Emily's idea of fun usually differed quite a bit from her daughter's. It would also give me a chance to find out if the inn would be a good venue for some of my charity events, like small lunches or tea. I know the Dragonfly isn't as big as the Independence Inn was, but maybe we can have some committee meetings or something there."

Lorelai was surprised that the phone call had gone nearly two and a half minutes, and there was no tension, there'd been no arguments, and no one had yelled at anyone else. Kinda freaky. I wonder if I'll have to let Luke tell me 'I told you so.' That would be a shame, having to admit that he was right, she joked to herself.

"Oh, Mom, there's a favor I'd like to ask. Do you have any free time on Friday?"

"I could probably find some time. What do you have in mind? It must be crazy over there at the inn; I can't imagine you want to go shopping or anything like that." Emily controlled her voice carefully, excited but nervous that this uncharacteristically pleasant conversation could take a disastrous turn at any moment.

"No, you're absolutely right about the craziness, but I am talking about a sort of shopping experience."

"What on earth are you talking about, Lorelai?"

"Can you come over and walk through the inn with Michel and Christy, our event planner? I'd like you to use your extraordinary powers of observation to give them feedback on how to create really great events at the Dragonfly."

"You want my advice?" I'm glad I'm sitting down. Lorelai Gilmore wants my advice. What on earth has gotten into that girl?

"Yes, Mom, no one can walk into a place like you can and instantly know how it can be better. I do ask that you keep your ideas to a level that will match our limited budget."

"How big is your budget for this, Lorelai?"

"For at least the first six months, it's approximately zero. We'd have to be able to pass all expenses on to the guests. Afterwards, though, we can take your ideas and allocate our future budgets strategically."

Emily was silent. Lorelai's asking me to help. Really help on something that's important to her. Why does that make me feel nervous?

"Mom? Are you still there?"

"Yes, Lorelai, I'm still here. I was just thinking. What did you say you will do with my suggestions?"

"Christy will write them down and we'll put them on a list with all of the other ideas coming in from guests and employees. Then we'll wait about six months, until we have a more settled budget.

"Will you keep me informed on the decisions? I'd hate to do the work and have it all be tossed out."

"As long as you promise to remember that we won't be able to do anything at all until we can afford it. Also that not every suggestion will be right for the type of inn Sookie and I are running. Basically I'm asking you to be a sort of consultant."

"Lorelai, I have to say something."

Looks like I get to be right and not Luke after all. "OK, Mom, shoot." She was relieved she was on the phone; you never knew when Emily Gilmore might take that request literally.

"I'll be honored to consult for you. After Rory, I think this is the nicest thing you've ever shared with me. Thank you."

Lorelai waited for the "but" and was happily surprised when it didn't come. She took a deep breath while Emily spent a moment telling her how much fun this would be.

"Mom, there's something else."

"What else could there be?"

"Well, it's about lunch on Sunday. I'd like you to, um, officially introduce you to, but, um, you've already met him, so …"

"Lorelai, are you still with Jason? He's suing our family! How could you ..."

"Mom! No! It's not Jason, I'm with Luke!" Lorelai's anxiety level skyrocketed. "Don't you remember? You met him at Persephone's last week."

"Luke? That was Luke at Persephone's?"

"Yes, Mom …" Oh my God, I can't believe what she can't remember about that night! This is hilarious!

"Not Jason?"

"No Mom, I couldn't think of dating Jason when he's suing my family. Even when we did date, we only had a casual relationship. I could never be serious about Jason."

"So, Luke."

"Yes, Luke, and I might as well tell you that we are very serious, like permanent serious."

"Oh my God," said Emily. Now I know what's gotten into that girl. Oh my God, I'm making bawdy jokes like Lorelai does. She laughed at herself.

Here it comes. Lorelai grimaced. The 'are you pregnant' question. Wait? Was that a laugh? What's Emily laughing about?

Emily continued. "How serious? Are you engaged? Have you known him long enough to be serious?"

"Mom, you've met Luke. We've seen each other almost every day for years. We were friends who always sensed we could become more, and going from a close and intense platonic relationship to a close and decidedly not platonic relationship turned out to be a surprisingly natural step. Maybe that's why we waited so long to take it."

"So, Luke."

"You covered that already, Mom. Are you alright?"

"Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?"

Lorelai was stunned by Emily's wry humor. She'd honestly expected her to launch into a tirade of monumental proportions.

"It's me, Mom, if you don't believe me, I can tell you some deep dark secret. How about the one about Trix's carbon copied letter to Dad?"

"Oh, Lorelai, I believed you already. I'm just surprised about the change in you after all these years. What happened? I mean, the last time I saw you was at a normally stressful Friday Night Dinner a few weeks ago, and now… Well, it's all so different and strange."

"About a million things have happened, but we can talk about them some other time, I promise."

"So, Luke."

"Mom."

"Alright, Lorelai, I was just teasing you with the last one." Stunned silence again from Lorelai. Teasing ME?

Emily continued. "What exactly does 'serious' mean in your relationship with Luke?"

"He's started moving in, and we'll finish it after the Dragonfly opens. We're not dating; we're just in a relationship together. Period."

Lorelai took a more shaky breath this time, then said the most important words she'd tell her mother today. Maybe the most important words she'd utter to anyone on any day. "I love him, Mom, really completely love him. When I realized that, it was clear to me that I'd never loved Christopher at all. That was always a fantasy. Luke is real; his love for me is also real."

"Oh, Lorelai." Emily's feelings were torn. On the one side, Lorelai had opened up to her in a way she'd never seen before, but on the other hand, it was a Stars Hollow man she was in love with. Definitely not what Emily and Richard had hoped for. Emily and Richard. There's another relationship that's not what I'd hoped for.

"Mom, one of the things I always admired in you and Dad was the fact that you love each other. I would never have had that same love with Christopher, but I do have it with Luke."

"Hmm. I was going to ask you if you were sure, but that question is answered already. I guess we'll talk on Sunday about this more, then. Have you told your father?"

"No Mom, it was more important to tell you first. You can tell him if you want to."

Emily reached over to a flower and snapped the head off, throttling the petals, which fell to the ground. Like I'm going to talk to Richard any time soon.

"I probably won't see him before I leave for Europe, so you might plan on telling him the next time you see him. Did Rory tell you yet if she's coming with me? I'd like to book our tickets."

"No, Mom, I haven't heard Rory say anything definite. I do know she's seriously considering going with you. You two would have a great time."

Emily continued. "Is there anything else? Have you given birth to an alien baby? Did you finally start voting Republican?"

Lorelai laughed out loud at her mom's joke, which surprised both of them. They said their goodbyes and hung up, both rather mystified by how harmonious the last half hour had been.

Lorelai pressed her speed dial number 2 and was quickly connected to Luke's cell.

"Hey." He'd finally gotten used to look at the screen to find out who was calling, which was rather silly, since he wasn't sure anyone else besides Lorelai, Rory, Caesar and Lane had his number, and Caesar and Lane were both working.

"I am very annoyed at you," his beloved greeted him.

"OK, um, sorry? Or maybe, 'get over it?' What happened?"

"Nothing. Actually better than nothing. Because it was better, I am officially annoyed at you."

What can I say that will get her through this bit the fastest? There's work to be done here. Suddenly it occurred to him that she must have just talked to her mother. If Lorelai was annoyed at him, then she wasn't annoyed at her mother, which meant that they'd had a civil conversation. Hah! I was right! That's why she's annoyed.

"Lu-uke, still here!"

"So tell me what you have to tell me, so I can start cooking your crow. For once I'm really going to enjoy watching you eat a whole bird." Now Luke really smirked. It must be killing her to have to say I'm right.

How did he figure that out? "I told her everything, at least everything except Rory and Jess. That's Rory's news to tell if she wants. She was fine with it. Everything. Everything!" Including you.

"So we're good for lunch on Sunday? She's coming to the inn tomorrow to help out?"

"Yes and Yes. She didn't denigrate anything, actually was pleased about some things." Admittedly Emily hadn't displayed any particular enthusiasm about Luke, but they would deal with that on Sunday.

"OK, then. Sounds like we're good." He paused, then added, "Now say it so we can both get back to work."

"I can hear your smirk over the phone line."

"No smirk, no phone line, remember it's wireless, radio waves, you know. And you can't hear a smile anyway."

"I can hear a smile in your voice, my friend, and your smile makes you look like the cat that ate the canary."

"Lorelai, you're stalling. Get it over with, or Kirk won't get his lunch."

"Not exactly a big motivation, that one, Luke."

"I'm waiting."

She puffed out an angry quiet snort. "You were right."

He laughed. "That's my girl. I love you for saying that, but I really have to go."

She grudgingly smiled back over the radio waves. "I love you too, you sadist."

Luke bounded happily up the stairs to the office. He and Lorelai had started making it over from an apartment into an office with a bedroom. There hadn't been any time to make fundamental changes, but they spent half an hour rearranging furniture and tossing ideas around.

The desk was pulled out to the middle of the room and faced the door, just like any office; the filing cabinets filled the wall where the desk had been. The leather easy chair was now set at an angle to the desk; she'd decided that's where she would sit when she came to visit Stars Hollow's most handsome investor, as she called him. She'd hiked her skirt up and showed him things that would instigate a sexual harassment lawsuit in any normal office; but she was his life partner (man, we need to move to a more traditional title soon, like fiancée or wife – life partner just doesn't do it for me), and her simple act had driven him wild, ending the office redecorating and proving that the mattress on his old bed still functioned perfectly.

He pulled the books out and began working through the diner's daily and monthly records. Luke couldn't wait until the Dragonfly had stabilized, because Lorelai had promised to take over the diner's books and get them all onto the computer. That would be a relief; maybe he could start taking more time off. Now that there was a reason (a Lorelai) to go home, it had become a lot harder to put in 16 hour days.

Luke had just begun looking at the first quarter's revenues when a familiar footstep sounded on the stairs.

"What th …"

It sounded like Jess' footsteps, but that was impossible. Rory had been in the diner not an hour ago and said he was gone. But there he was.

"Hey."

Jess nodded his return greeting.

"You just missed Rory. She stopped by for some coffee."

"Nah, we said goodbye already, I just forgot a book up here at Liz' wedding and I wanted to get it." He looked around at the room, and walked to the kitchen window, where he picked up a vase standing on the windowsill. "Gettin' soft in your old age, I see. Next you'll be planting petunias."

"Eh, Lorelai put that there, called it one less argument we have to have at Thanksgiving. 'Course she didn't stop to think that we're hosting the next Thanksgiving dinner and not just me, so she'd be giving herself flowers."

He looked at Jess for a moment, but the younger man didn't get to the point. It was obvious that there was no book to find, but why Jess had come, Luke still didn't know. He sat back in his chair and waited.

Finally Luke gave up. "You know she loves you, right?"

"Maybe, but I don't understand why she won't even spend the summer in New York. What's going to happen if I get that job in Philadelphia? It will only get worse."

"There aren't many choices, Jess. Either it's a compromise, or one of you gives up more than the other."

"There's no reason why she can't take a few months off and do something different. I know it's what we both want!"

"Rory also wants a Yale education. Yale's a damned expensive school; she has an obligation to her family. They're paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for her to go, and it's on a schedule. It would be easier for you to change your plans than her."

"There's nothing for me in New Haven! I'd never find a job that pays as much as I earn now, and I'm counting on that Philadelphia job. We could be making our own lives, not lives stamped out by a cookie cutter university!"

"There's nothing in New Haven but Rory."

Jess was pacing the room, his wiry body strung too tightly to stand still.

"Ah, you've got it easy, Luke. Just sat like a dope and waited until she finally got around to looking at you. I'm not going to waste my life waiting!"

Luke was steaming, but he held himself together as long as he could. Springing to his feet, he got in Jess' face, forcing him to look up.

"Jess, think about the long game. You make compromises now, and you'll be with her while she finishes what she has to finish. You know she has to finish school. She wants that more than anything."

Bitterly, Jess ground out his pain. "When will SHE make a compromise," he muttered, not expecting an answer.

"Jess, you just haven't even given her a chance to make a compromise! All you're asking her to do is what you want. That means you're asking her to give up everything! You know she can't do that. Give a little and see how much she gives back. You won't find a more giving heart than Rory's. For God's sake, she LOVES you! When was the last time someone really loved you? You should be crawling back to her on your hands and knees, begging her to take you back, doing whatever it takes to keep her!"

Jess' stony silence frustrated Luke, though not to the point where he was quite ready to give up on the conversation. It was so rare that Jess seemed to want his advice, however sullenly it was received.

"If you keep dropping in on her life once a year, throwing her ultimatums, you will always lose. One day you'll stand there, watching her with some other guy, and she really won't love you anymore."

Luke had never forgotten Jess' painful words about his feelings for Lorelai a year ago.

"You talk about being whipped. Fifteen minutes with her every six months is not a relationship, it's stalking. Add to that your silent phone calls and you have a felony, my friend."

"There you go, taking her side again." Luke always takes the Gilmores' side against me.

"No! This is exactly what taking YOUR side looks like! You have to get it through your thick head that there is no running away to Philadelphia together. You compromise or you get nothing!"

"Why aren't you telling her this?"

"Because she already knows it, you idiot!" Luke turned away, throwing his hands downward in disgust.

"I gotta go." Pain etched in his face, Jess ran down the stairs and out the back door, with Luke yelling after him.

"Just think about it!" Luke sank down into his chair and put his face in his hands. I failed him. Again.

Lorelai walked into the library where Rory had been quietly working for the past half hour.

"Rory!? How long have you been here?" she asked. It was curious that Rory had neither come to her office, nor to the kitchen, where she and Sookie had been prepping for Saturday. Prep work in the kitchen for Lorelai meant tasting each batch of cookies that Sookie had been baking.

"Oh, hi, Mom," she said dejectedly. "I brought over the CDs and extra books you wanted. Thought I'd go ahead and put them away while I was here."

"Where's Jess?" Lorelai asked. "Was he going back to New York today?"

"Yeah, he's gone." She looked up at her mother. "I'm not sure if we're even still together."

"Why? What happened? Did you fight?"

"Yes, well, maybe. He wanted me to go to New York for the summer, and maybe longer. I told him I couldn't, and it's true, but I'm not sure he's OK with it."

"Where did you leave it after you talked?" Lorelai was concerned that Rory would make a rash decision affecting her whole future.

"I'm going to visit him, but he wouldn't even consider staying here and finding a job. I can't figure out how to fix it." Rory closed the drawer with a slam and plopped herself on the sofa.

"That really irks me! How can he treat you like that?" Lorelai had always held the unbiased opinion of thinking Rory was an infallible angel, and hence reflexively blamed Jess and Jess alone for all of their problems.

"Mom, it was my decision to get back with Jess. I know what I'm doing."

Lorelai sat beside Rory and put her arm around her shoulders. "Hon, don't get me wrong, but are you sure you want to start this with him? I mean, it's Jess. I don't want you to get hurt again."

"Mom! Don't you understand? This is not something I'm considering, it's happened and that's that!" Rory looked hurt.

"I think you need to just get used to it," she added petulantly.

"Rory, you've got to understand that I can't just stand here and see you so sad without at least saying something! I'm worried that you're putting Yale at risk!"

"Mom, this is what I need. I know what I want, and my degree from Yale is part of that. I love Jess, and he loves me, we both know that."

"OK, hon, I'll try to understand. I'm just worried about you."

"I've got some worries, too, Mom. I don't understand how he doesn't seem to understand how important Yale and journalism is to me. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't hear me telling him what I want. All he can talk about is New York and Philadelphia."

"Well, maybe you'll find a way to help him see it. You're a champion debater, remember. Make sure you become what you want to become, not what he wants you to be."

"I need a break. I think I'm going to Lane's for a while, take my mind off things. Might spend the night."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, I talked to your grandmother today. She was wondering if you decided about Europe yet."

"I haven't quite decided, but I'm leaning towards yes. It would make her so happy, and some time away to think wouldn't hurt either. Maybe Jess' job will be settled by the time we get back." Rory packed up her little bag and gathered her things. "I'm so mad at him! If he would just come to Stars Hollow or Hartford and find a job, I'd stay here this summer."

Europe. New York. Philadelphia. Rory has so many options. This summer, she wouldn't even notice if I made her bedroom into a sewing room. My girl is gone. It never occurred to me that she'd be gone after her first year at school. She doesn't even have me on her list this summer.

Lorelai walked Rory to the door of the inn, waved goodbye, and watched her angel spread her wings. Before she had a chance to wallow, Michel came with a list of problems that urgently needed her attention.

Thursday night, Lorelai wasn't waiting at home for Luke to close the diner; he got home before she did. A good hour before she did. He'd brought some more boxes over, and once he'd showered and changed, he still had time to unpack them and put the empty boxes back in the truck for another trip tomorrow.

The conversations with Jess and Rory lay heavy on his mind; he and Lorelai needed to decide what they could do to help. He turned most of the lights off, just one or two lamps burned, giving a soft glow to the living room. After the bright lights of the diner, the darkness was peaceful and comforting. This was his favorite time of day; it would have been even better if Lorelai were here as she usually was.

When Lorelai finally came in the door, she was completely wiped. The methodical preparation phase for the inn had ended; there was nothing to do except rush around tomorrow, tweak the most important things, and hope that the test run would go well. The pressure was constant, the stress was enormous. What have I forgotten? Would there be a disaster? How would we cope? Her mind raced as fast as it had been racing for the past six months, but her strength was nearly tapped out.

Once she had showered and changed, they sat on the sofa while Luke gave her a back rub. To get deep into her shoulders, she moved to a stack of pillows in front of the sofa, and sat between Luke's legs.

"Hang in there," he said lovingly, his head nuzzling hers as she tried to relax into the feeling of his hands. "You've almost made it. Soon the inn will be open and you'll barely remember this exhaustion."

He massaged deeply into the tightest muscles. Just as he felt one muscle release its stress, she broke down in tears. "Oh Luke, it's all too much."

"Shh, shh, it will all get better soon, it's all right." He pulled her close for an enveloping hug, trying to give her some comfort. "Aw, Lorelai, I wish I could take more of this off you."

She pushed away from him, still crying, then turned back immediately to hang on his leg. "No, it's not getting better! It's all so different from what I expected!"

"What's different? The inn is exactly the way you planned it. It's ready, you're ready."

"Rory."

"Ah." He pulled her up onto the sofa next to him, letting her stretch out, her head on his chest. He reached up and turned another lamp off, giving them the safety of near-darkness to talk. Darkness always helped Luke think.

"She's gone, Luke. I blinked and she's gone. We had this incredible relationship, but now … now I don't even make it onto her list. My mother, Jess, Lane, school. Everyone but me is on her list."

"How is this different from her years at Chilton? She had all those things back then, but you two did just fine. At least except for the time you were going to kill Dean for kissing her." He gave her a gentle shake to see if she could respond to his lame humor. The normally lighthearted Lorelai didn't even smile.

"We had time every day, hours of time together. That's gone, I don't even know where she sleeps half the time, and a boyfriend at 19 is so different from her first high school boyfriend. And it's Jess." Lorelai squeezed her eyes shut as if it could help erase the thoughts she didn't want to face.

Luke stiffened a little, bothered by the way she said Jess' name.

"But Lorelai, they're together. They chose to be together. You know he really loves Rory, right? He's loved her for years. He wouldn't do …"

Luke stopped short. He didn't have to finish. Lorelai knew what he was going to say, and it wasn't true. Jess would hurt her. He already had. There were the multiple small emotional injuries while she still dated Dean, and then the fatal wound when he left town without saying goodbye. Both of them knew this; it didn't need to be rehashed.

"And then there was the time…the car, or what was left of the car…"

Lorelai felt Luke turn his head away before she even saw it. She knew that he was thinking about the same thing she was. The car accident that destroyed their friendship had come back to haunt them.

Luke rubbed his hand over his face, trying to wipe away the memories.

"He was driving and he hurt her, Luke," she said quietly, putting her hand on his shoulder. "He didn't want to, but it hurt her nonetheless." She sensed fury growing inside his body; his muscles felt like steel, hard and cold.

"That's not true! They made that mistake together. They both decided where to go and when. Rory told me. She told me that she told you. They were both at fault. And it was an accident!"

"I know that now, but that night I just wasn't thinking. I blamed you when it wasn't your fault. It was despicable, and I've never forgiven myself." Ashamed, she let her shoulders slump in regret.

Luke was equally morose. "I failed him when I sent him away. I failed you when I couldn't forgive you."

They were both so miserably lost in their own private regrets, they barely heard each other speaking.

"All I wanted was to have my Luke back, but he didn't come back. Everything was different. I missed you so much." She didn't call him 'my Luke' when she said it the first time, but she knew now that's what she meant.

"When Christopher came, I thought you were gone forever. After losing Jess, it was unbearable to think I was losing you as well."

Luke couldn't sit anymore. He stood and paced, a shadow in the darkened room, almost not there at all. She looked at the outline of his figure moving in the darkness. Feelings of panic overtook him. He looked frantically around the room.

"I can't breathe. Gotta get outside, get some air. I'll be back." He covered the distance to the door in a few steps, grabbed his jacket and went blindly outside.

The last sound she heard from him was the thud of his shoes on the steps as he practically flew off the porch.

This can't be happening. Why would he leave over something that happened a year ago? She couldn't face the thought that Luke might not come back; she pulled on shoes and dashed out the door. She had to find him.

He wasn't on the street following his normal path to the diner. Could he have moved that fast? Was he really gone?

"Lorelai." His voice came from her left. She turned and saw Luke standing under the chuppah. His jacket lay on the ground and he stood there, looking pained and lost. She ran to him and threw herself on him.

"Luke!"

The pain on his face was intensified by the shadows cast by the streetlight. He put one hand on each of her arms and gave himself the gift of space, even if was only the four inches that he pushed her away. Uncomprehending, she stared at his hands as he released her arms, then searched his face, trying to understand what had hurt him so badly that he still found it hard to talk about.

"I stood there that night and I let you yell at me, but you never gave me the opportunity to tell you how I felt. I needed to know you understood that I had to take care of all three of you. It wasn't fair of you to demand for him to leave. You didn't trust me."

"Luke, why didn't you tell me this then?"

"As soon as I knew that Jess was OK I came to talk to you. I wanted to make you understand that I cared about all of you, that I – I loved you, all three of you." He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm himself.

"When I got to your house, it was completely dark, and there was his motorcycle standing next to your Jeep. The next day I tried again, but it was the same. There was no answer to my knock; I had no idea where you were. You never once called, or came to talk to me, not even to find out what had happened to Jess. You didn't even come tell me how Rory was doing." His mouth was set in a grim straight line, his eyes glittered with anger he hadn't even known he still felt.

"The day after Jess left I tried to work, but the gossip was constant. Jess the criminal. Lorelai and Christopher. Rory's dad is back. Luke sent Jess away. I couldn't stand it, I needed to get away. Outdoors where there was no one yelling at me, no one whispering behind my back, and no one reminding me of our friendship."

"My heart was broken over both you and Jess. After that night I knew that I couldn't go on in the same way. Things had to be different. I promised myself I'd stop loving you." After losing his parents, trying to give up the Gilmore girls would be the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. His heart felt pain even now when he thought of it.

Lorelai wrapped her arms around herself, shocked and dejected. "That's why you changed," she whispered, not wanting to believe it, but knowing she had to. "That year, you were so distant. You pushed me away with sarcasm and jokes. You wanted me out of your life. I did that to you."

Luke scoffed at his own naiveté. "I failed at that, too. Turns out you don't stop loving someone just because you want to, so I pretended I didn't love you. Foolishly I believed that if I pretended long enough, the pain would go away."

"I wish you'd had the chance to tell me this back then. I would have found a way to tell you what you needed to hear; to tell you what you meant to us," she said. "I'm so sorry, Luke. You are the family I've always wanted, that Rory and I always needed, with all its associated quirks and problems. Jess is part of you; your family is my family. Luke, I didn't understand then, but I understand now. Can you forgive me?" Finally understanding how much pain he'd endured because of her irrational anger, she hoped for forgiveness and a chance to heal his wounds.

Luke's face softened as he looked at her, reaching up to touch and smooth her hair.

"Forgiveness happened long ago, when I accepted that loving you was simply who I am."

Lorelai fisted his shirt as if that could hold him in place and make sure he could never leave. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"When you went out the door tonight I was so scared. I was afraid you'd gone; that you'd left me, that what I'd done was unforgivable."

"Lorelai, I told you I was going outside, not out of your life. I need the outdoors when the pressure becomes too much. Just because we have things to work on doesn't mean we're through." Luke watched her expression until he felt she understood his message.

"We're not naïve teenagers; we can make this work if we choose. Jess and Rory are going to hurt each other and we can't do much about it. I just needed to know that you understood how much Jess being a part of our family means to me."

She nodded, tears threatening as Luke took her fully back in his arms.

"I'm not leaving you, Lorelai. It's like my life isn't even real when you aren't in it. Anyway, where would I go? I'm already home."