"Well, I must say, I'm very pleasantly surprised by your actions. To be honest, I didn't think you'd really do it.", Koizumi admitted, smiling at me across the table.
I didn't do anything, I told him. Nothing had changed since I asked Haruhi out two days ago. Ugh...just saying that makes me feel a whole metric ton of regret.
"Well, then, do you regret asking Miss Suzumiya out?", Koizumi asked.
It's not that I regret it, but... As always, he creeped me out with his laughter.
"My apologies,", he told me, after regaining his composure, "It's just rare to see you acting so out of character."
'Out of character'?
"Well, normally you're able to keep your composure through most things, be they strange, terrifying, dangerous, or what have you. This seems to be the first situation you've been thrust into that's really gotten to you.", he explained.
Well, it's not something I've ever done before, I told him.
"True. There's nothing like a first love, they say."
Can we just drop it?, I asked.
"Sure.", he chuckled, "Though, I'll just add that I don't think nothing has changed between you two."
Well...he was right about that. Things aren't entirely the same...they're just bad in totally new ways. Before all this happened, Haruhi treated me like a dog or something. A dog she was rather fond of, I guess. She never physically abused me or anything. Well, if you don't count the wear and tear of forcing me to do her bidding. That should be a category of abuse on its own. But, I'm getting off track. The point was that she treated me like her lackey before and didn't think anything of it. I just went with it, and we didn't normally have any problems.
But, after what's happened...I get the feeling that Haruhi wants us to be equals, or she wants to be more genuine, but when she's not bossing me around and being a complete tyrant, it just feels...uneasy...at worst, it felt wrong. For a whole year now, I've been at her beck and call. Treating me like an equal...it's weird. I guess I'll give you an example, to help you understand:
On my way to school this morning, as I started towards the final push, I saw a girl who looked suspiciously like Haruhi standing at the bottom of the hill. She was staring up at the school in a daze, as if she were lost. Her brown hair was flowing in the wind, and her yellow ribbon shimmering in the sun. As I drew nearer, I became more and more certain that it was Haruhi, but my brain was telling me that there was no reason for her to be there. Every day since school began, Haruhi was always sitting there in her seat when I arrived in the classroom, no exceptions. Well...unless she was gone or something, but that was unusual in and of itself. I had no reason to believe that this girl was Haruhi.
But, my doubts were finally cleared as I approached this girl, and realized that it was, indeed, Haruhi.
I thought it was you I saw out here, I mentioned as I walked up to her. That startled her.
"K-Kyon?! W-what are you doing here?", she blurted out.
...I'm coming to school. What are you doing here? Normally, you'd already be in the classroom by now.
"I...dropped something!", she barked.
You dropped something?
"Yeah? Is that a problem?"
No. But...did you find it?
"...No.", she replied, after a moment of silence. Then, silence. We stood there as the other students passed by us, throwing wayward glances, making every second more unbearable for us both. We both knew the reason why she was really there, but after what happened two days ago...it was much harder to play it off than usual.
...Well, I was headed up to school anyway. Might as well look for it together on our way back, I suggested.
"Mm..right...As it should be. I am the Brigade Leader after all! It's your job to assist me!", she recovered. Once again, she was able to put on a smile and move forward, bursting with new found energy. And despite the fact that we just decided to walk to school together, the release of tension was on par with that of getting out of being trapped in closed space. And that's telling. Just last weekend, I was thrown into a closed space, the most dangerous and unsettling location you can be unfortunate enough to find yourself in. That was nothing. I didn't even flinch. Somehow, this stuff was much more unsettling.
"Be that as it may, I believe this is a good experience for both you and Miss Suzumiya.", Koizumi reasoned.
What about on the Organization's end? Any decrease in closed space?, I asked.
"It's funny you should ask!", he exclaimed, with a proud, yet still creepy smile.
Do tell.
"Do you remember when Miss Suzumiya learned of Sasaki? How the celestials in her closed space weren't attacking anything?", he reminded me.
Yeah, it was like they were in a daze or something, right?, I asked.
"Precisely.", he confirmed, "And it seems they're at it again! It's almost comical at this point."
But that means that they're popping up all over again, doesn't it?
"It does, but they're relatively small. And, since the celestials aren't aggressive, a single skilled esper can clear several closed spaces in a day. It's a more of a chore now than a challenge, really."
So, is that better or worse than before?
"It's hard to say, really. On one hand, the closed spaces are small, non-expanding, and generally harmless to us espers. On the other...there are several close spaces appearing throughout the day, giving us more work, albeit easier. They seem to appear most frequently during the early morning and late night, though.", he continued, "Would you like to know why?"
He told me before. They thought that she created closed spaces when she was having a nightmare or something.
"No, that theory isn't relevant anymore.", he corrected me, "By early morning and late night, I mean to say somewhere around Six AM in the morning, and then Nine PM later on in the night."
Why?, I asked. He smiled again, replying,
"Well, our theory is that she gets so very excited thinking about you when she goes to bed or gets ready for school that she stresses herself out in the process."
Jeez...she's such a pain...she's the cause of her own stress now, I moaned, resting my cheek on my hand.
"Oh? That doesn't flatter you at all?", Koizumi prodded.
All I hear is that I'm the cause for another set of disasters.
"Well...regardless of the cause, the closed spaces are appearing all over the place, and we aren't really sure on what kind of advice we could give you to help.", he told me.
Advice?, I asked.
"Things to say to her, stuff to do with her...romantic gestures that might change something.", he elaborated.
Changing anything right now seems like an insane idea to me. She was already this unstable, and we weren't even dating. The most romantic thing we've done is walk up the hill together. Once. I mean...she and I did kind of go on a date back when I first asked her out, but I would hardly consider that a date.
"You did mention you went on a date after your talk, but you never did explain exactly what happened.", Koizumi said.
Well...
It was typical at first, her dragging me along wherever she wanted. But, after about an hour of wandering aimlessly and giving into her demands, the high we got from expressing ourselves wore off, and we were hit with the reality of the situation. Haruhi and I, out together, wandering, with no other SOS Brigade Members? Even if we would normally write it off as "Mystery Finding", or whatever, after I asked her out and she...didn't say no...we realized that we were on a date. Not a two-man investigation. A real date. And that was weird. As soon as we realized that, our flow was gone. We went back to the cafe for one last drink, then went separate ways. It was...really awkward.
Honestly, I have no idea if I liked the way it used to be better. Back then, even though she treated me like her lackey, there was an understanding between us and the dynamic of our relationship. But, now...there is no understanding. Our whole relationship at this point is a gray-zone, all riding on a "maybe" and "I'll work for it".
"But, you're aware of how Miss Suzumiya feels about you, don't you?", Koizumi questioned, "And she's aware of your feelings?"
Yeah, I wish it were that simple. But, we're both at a stalemate. It's like we're taking one step forward and two steps backwards every day.
"Hm...well that would also explain the strange behavior of the celestials.", he sympathized, "I believe I understand now. Miss Suzumiya has never been in a relationship with someone she's cared about before, and you're the most important person in her life. She wants to be closer to you, but she doesn't want to ruin what you already have at the same time. That's quite the predicament..."
I didn't really have a problem with the way things were. They were much more comfortable than this.
"You don't want Miss Suzumiya to change?", Koizumi asked.
Well...no. I don't. I asked her out in the first place because of who she was at the time. She's not a totally different person now, but she's definitely not the same. Trying to be nice to me should feel good, shouldn't it? I've always wanted her to show me more respect. But, now that she's trying...it's ruining my flow.
"Perhaps she's just trying to show you that she's working hard as well to make this thing work between you two. Maybe being submissive is her way of trying to be equals.", Koizumi suggested. That's when it hit me. That's when I got my answer.
Thanks, Koizumi, I said to him.
"Hm? Did I spark an idea, perhaps?", he asked.
"Yeah. You did.", I told him. So, after lunch ended, I returned to the classroom. When I entered, Haruhi looked at me for a brief moment, then looked away. I guess that's the reaction I should expect now, after all that's happened. So, I sat in my desk and turned slightly.
Mind if we have a chat after class?, I asked her.
"About what?", she asked back.
There was just something I needed to tell her. I didn't need her to discuss anything with me. So, she nodded in agreement. Unfortunately, that made the day go by very slowly as I anticipated what was to come. Eventually, class ended, and her and I walked behind the old building, just like we did when she showed me that note. Come to think of it, we never did find out who wrote it...
"So, what is it?", she asked, almost timidly.
I just wanted to say a few things, and I didn't need her to answer. I just wanted her to listen.
"Well, spit it out!", she ordered.
Things between us as they are right now...are weird. I figured that being equals would be a good thing, but it's messing up my flow, and I think that being equals right now...wouldn't work out well, I said.
When I said that, she saw her shrink down a bit, so I continued.
I told her before that I needed to work hard to earn that second chance, didn't I?
"Yeah. And?", she asked, getting defensive.
...She's the brigade leader. It's the grunt's job to work his butt off. The brigade leader needs to just keep being the same leader that she always was, and she shouldn't have to change herself for a lowly grunt. The confident, bright, and unrelenting leader of the SOS Brigade. That's just the kind of person the grunt wants to work for.
There was a short silence, as she comprehended everything I just said. Honestly, I was trying to comprehend everything I just said as well. I wasn't expecting to say what I just said. It just kind of...turned out that way.
"Hmph! You've got some nerve telling your Brigade Leader how to act!", she barked, raising her head and looking at me. With what I said, I was expecting her to be happy...or...sad or maybe in between, but definitely not as angry as she looked right now.
"I've told you before! It's the Brigade Leader's job to look out for her underlings! I'm not a tyrant, you know!"
Could have fooled me.
"So, if I want to do something for a Brigade member, I'm gonna do it! And a lowly grunt like you has no say in it!", she spat, going into her bag and pulling something out. She shoved something square into my chest, then turned her head away from me as she did.
"It's the Brigade Member's job to be grateful!", she told me, "So...be grateful!" I took whatever she was pushing into my chest, then added something else.
As long as she can go about it with that sort of attitude, I don't think there'll be a problem. A submissive brigade leader is unnerving. At that, she looked up to me with a devious smile.
"So, you're into that kind of stuff, huh? I always knew you were a loser, but I didn't know you liked being a loser.", she replied.
Shut it, I replied dryly.
"Anyway, this conversation is done! We've got a stage performance to plan! And you're in charge of decorations!" And so, she strolled off towards the stairs, bright and powerful just like before. And boy, was I glad to see it. I've said many times before, but it's just weird when Haruhi isn't in top form. I hoped that now she was back to normal. But, as I looked at the lunchbox in my hands, I realized that a little change here and there isn't such a bad thing.