My heavy eyelids flutter open and take in my surroundings. It must be just before dawn because there's just enough light in the room to make out that Tobias is lying in bed next to me gazing at the ceiling. He doesn't like it when I stare at him, but I take a chance and study his features anyway. He has dark shadows beneath his stormy blue eyes and two days' worth of stubble on the lower half of his face and neck. I don't think he's gotten more than a total of eight hours sleep in the past three nights. My bombshell of thinking that our attackers come from outside Dauntless has him on edge.
Monday and Tuesday both passed in the exact same way. Tobias and Zeke locked themselves in his office viewing hundreds of hours of Dauntless security feed recordings starting with the recordings from the approximate time of Hana's attack but they didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Then he started watching the recordings that were specifically of the list names. Zeke analyzed the recording of his mother's attackers. He determined that the first male was 6'3" tall and approximately 200 pounds and the second male was 5'9" tall and approximately 175 pounds. When he was done with his analysis, he started going through the backlog of security footage from the past few months looking for anything that can be useful. Tori and Will were covertly walking around under the guise of being available to talk to Dauntless members but they were actually checking faces against the sketches Tori made from Hana's memory. I emailed all the information about the upcoming leader's meeting to Tori and asked her to have Summer point out Gunner and pick up Tobias' Christmas present for me.
Tobias and I talked about my theory that these people are somehow not active members of Dauntless, and he thinks it has merit and after they go through all the security footage, they'll start going through the inactive files. I'm hoping that my doctor's appointment goes well so that I can go back to work and help them out. Other than that contribution, I've been useless, and it's taking a toll on me.
Tobias feels my gaze on his face and turns his head to look at me. We don't say anything, we just lock eyes. I don't know which one of us reaches for the other first but soon we are wrapped in each other's arms, bodies pressed tightly up against one another, hungry mouths moving together in perfect unison. I reach down and get my hands on the hem of his skintight black tank top he slept in last night. He breaks our kiss to let the fabric slide over his head, and then I feel his hungry mouth back on mine as I toss it aside. I let my hands roam over the muscles in his perfect chest and arms. I feel his hand move down and under my camisole and up to cover my bare chest, and I moan into his open mouth. The spark I felt when our lips first met is now a raging fire that threatens to consume me. He moves his hands to my hips then rolls us so I am on top of him. He gently slides his hands up and grasp the camisole and inches it up. He breaks our need‑filled kiss and looks up into my eyes. I can see myself mirrored in his dilated eyes as he continues taking my camisole off over my head and throws it on the floor. My mouth collides with his once again as I feel the new sensation of bare skin on bare skin. He runs his hands up my back and pulls me closer still.
A loud banging noise coming from downstairs pulls us out of our trance. He leans back and looks up into my eyes again and lets an expletive I've never heard before slip from his lips. He rolls us onto our sides, then gently kisses my lips once more and momentarily lets his eyes roam over my bare chest, causing me to blush crimson, before rolling out of bed. He picks his shirt up off the floor where I tossed it and slides it on over his head as he heads toward the door. I roll over onto my back, trying to catch my breath. Soon I realize I am lying here bare chested and move to the edge of the bed to retrieve my shirt and slip it back on. I get up and hop over to my crutches and make my way to the bathroom.
I know the moment has passed so I get ready for the day. I take a shower and dress in the clothes I laid out for myself the night before. I put on my usual makeup and brush my teeth. I look into the mirror for a while trying to decide what I want to do with my hair. I decide to just pull my bangs back away from my face with a barrette. I'm tired of the same buns and braids day in and day out. I need a change. I need something more … Dauntless. I know I'm actually just stalling right now because of what happened earlier. He's now seen my bare chest, and I'm a little shy about it. I take two deep breaths and open the bathroom door. I notice him sitting on the edge of our bed. When he sees me, he comes to the bathroom to meet me.
"Who was at the door?" I ask quietly.
"Zeke. There's a lead on Hana's attacker. He wanted to tell me as soon as possible," he says, not quite making eye contact. "Do you want to go downstairs while I take a shower?"
"Please," I say. He takes the crutches from me and leans them up against the wall and pulls me up into his arms. I wrap my arm around his neck to secure myself to him. He cradles me gently as he carries me down the stairs. He puts me on my feet in front of the couch; however, I'm careful not to put any weight on my right leg. He goes to turn back toward the staircase but I grab his hand, and he stops and looks back at me. I give him a bright smile and beckon him with my finger. He returns my smile and is in my arms in one step. His mouth lands on mine, gentler this time, the indescribable need gone. He picks me up and carries me to the island and sits me down.
"We keep getting interrupted," he says in between kisses. Right now he has his mouth on my neck, sending little shivers to the pit of my stomach. He pulls back and looks in my eyes. "I love you, Tris."
"I love you, too, Tobias. You should probably go take your shower. It sounds like Zeke needs you," I say with a sigh. I want to tell him I need him too, but I don't want to add to his stress. He helps me off of the island and over to the couch where I'll spend the majority of my day. "Don't forget my doctor's appointment at 12:30."
"It's on my calendar. I'll come home for lunch then take you to the infirmary after." He heads upstairs to get ready for the day. Now that the adrenaline is no longer flowing freely through my veins, fatigue sets in. I don't know what time it was when I woke up but it was most certainly earlier than I've been getting up. I lie down on the couch and tell myself I will rest my eyes until Tobias comes down to tell me about Hana's attacker.
The next thing I know my eyes spring open at the sound of an unusual noise. I listen for the noise again and when it comes the second time I realize someone's at the door. I holler out just a minute and look around, dazed. My crutches are leaning next to the love seat, and I see a note from Tobias on the table.
VI
I didn't want to bother you. You were sleeping so peacefully.
I'll see you at lunch.
I love you.
IV
I slowly make my way to the door and open it to an agitated Christina.
"Took you long enough," she mutters, pushing past me.
"Sorry, I was asleep. What time is it?" I say with a yawn. I can't wait to get back to my old routine. I was never this tired before.
"A little after 10 a.m.," she says holding a garment bag and two smaller sacks.
"Oh, my dress. Thank you so much," I say, taking it from her and laying it over the back of the loveseat as she lowers herself into the oversized club chair she loves so much. I sit down next to the garment bag and unzip it to find an exquisite dress. It's black, of course, with a halter neck, keyhole chest, tiered crinoline ruffles, and jeweled neckline & waist or at least that's what Christina tells me, sounding like a diligent salesperson, as I'm gazing at it.
"I went with a timeless design for you. The keyhole chest and the fact it's sleeveless will show some skin but not too much for a Stiff like you," she says with a grin on her face. I can't help but return her smile. "I think the ruffles are fun, flirty, and young but also elegant. Plus I fell in love with the different shades of black jewels on the neck and waist. Now look at your shoes!" she says excitedly. I pull a shoebox out of one of the sacks and open it. Inside are a pair of black ballet flats that are adorned with the same kind of jewels that are on the dress in a simple floral pattern. They, too, are absolutely gorgeous.
"I love the shoes. They're perfect for this dress. I knew I had nothing to worry about with you picking an outfit out for me. You know me so well. Do I dare look in the other sack?" I ask with a grin.
"It's just some lingerie designed to go under the dress. If you wore a regular bra, the straps would show, so I got you a halter bra and matching boy shorts. I swear I'm going to get you in a thong one day!" I shake my head at her. That is never going to happen.
"Christina, can I ask you to do something for me?" I tentatively say. "I want it to be a surprise for Four."
"Sure, what is it?" she asks, curiosity alive in her eyes.
"I want a different hairstyle. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning, trying to figure out what to do with my hair and something dawned on me. I've had this same hairstyle my entire life. When I look in the mirror, I still see Beatrice, and I wanna see Tris," I say. "Will you help me?" She squeals in delight and leans forward in the chair.
"This is so exciting! Do you have any ideas what you want?" she asks. "There are so many colors and styles!"
"I'm not really sure. I know I loved the curls you gave me for the welcome party but I'm not sure if I want curls all the time."
"I know what we'll do. When you get cleared from the doctor you can come to the salon, and we'll run the hairstyle simulation program on you."
"Hairstyle simulation?" I ask. I've never heard of that. Of course, my mom cut my hair every three months for at least 15 years so I don't have any experience with salons.
"We take your picture and enter it into a program. Then it shows you what you will look like with different hairstyle and color options. It'll be so fun! I've never gotten a chance to try it out on anyone."
"When do you work there next?" I ask, suddenly excited at the prospect of a change.
"My next shift starts after lunch today then I don't work there again until next week," she replies.
"Maybe I can talk Four into letting me walk to the doctor's appointment then I could swing by after. Do I need to make an appointment?"
"Just text me if you'll be able to make it," she says as she absentmindedly rubs her stomach.
"How are you doing, Christina?" I say, eyeing her hands.
"I had my first bout of morning sickness yesterday afternoon. I really don't know why they call it 'morning sickness,' it can hit at any time of the day according to the pamphlet Isobel gave me. I was fine one minute and the next, some lady's perfume had me yacking in the bathroom. It was quite embarrassing that it happened at work. I ran off from her in the middle of a sentence. She was not happy at first, but she understood when I told her I'm pregnant and something made me sick. I was nice enough not to tell her it was her but I thought about it. The Candor in me wanted to!" She laughs at the memory. "I know it might be my imagination but I think I'm starting to show. The pamphlet says around five months and I'm only a little over three months." I think it might be in her head because she's still wearing the same skintight clothes she's adopted since she got to Dauntless, and she doesn't look any different but I keep my opinion to myself. We are so involved in our conversation we both jump when Tobias walks through the door. He gives us an odd look then smiles slightly.
"God, Four, you could make more noise coming through a door," Christina says holding a hand over her heart. "You nearly scared us half to death!" Her eyes get wide when she notices the clock next to Tobias' head. "I've got to get down to the cafeteria. I'm glad you like your dress, Tris. I'll see you soon." She gives me a conspiratorial wink, I smile in return, and she walks out the door.
"Hormones," I say to Tobias when he gives me a questioning look. He just shrugs at that answer. He walks over to the kitchen in silence, something obviously on his mind. I've learned over the past few months not to try to pull information out of him. He'll divulge what's on his mind in his own time. I get up from where I'm sitting and go to my spot at the island. He must not have heard me because he jumps a little when he realizes I'm closer than he thought.
"I'm sorry. I guess you and Christina aren't the only jumpy ones today," he says somberly. He slides a bowl of heated potato soup across the island to me. He brings two spoons with him when he sits down beside me. I take my spoon and quickly finish my bowl. Once again, it's been too many hours since I've eaten. When he finishes his, he puts our dirty dishes in the dishwasher then he goes to the refrigerator and retrieves the last slice of chocolate cake we pilfered from the cafeteria a few days ago. He comes back to me and sits the cake between us. We eat in silence. I look up at him several times but he seems a million miles away. Finally I catch his eyes, and he smiles tiredly at me.
"I'm sorry I'm not good company right now, Tris," he says sounding more like he did when I first met him instead of the man I've come to know over the past few months. "Zeke found one of Hana's assailants on video outside of the commissary a week before her attack. That's the lead he was talking about. We still don't know who he is, but we have an actual photograph now instead of a sketch. I have to give it to Hana though, her memory of him was spot on. There's hardly a difference between the two. Zeke and I have been going back through old footage of the people from the first list, seeing if any faces pop up a large number of times. Did you know Peter follows you around?" A fixed Four look is set on his face, and the knuckles on his hands are turning white from the pressure of his balled up fists. He looks murderously angry at this moment, and I shrink back involuntarily.
"Peter?" I ask, memories of my initiation tormentor flooding back to me. My heart rate speeds as adrenaline starts to course through my veins for the second time today. "Peter has been following me around? How have we not noticed this before?"
"I honestly don't know but the proof was right there on the screens today. He seems to be lurking around in 75% of the video we have on you."
"Have you watched your videos? Has anyone been lurking around you?" I ask.
"Zeke watched my videos and he didn't see anyone more than once or twice, except for Peter," he says, hate noticeable in his voice.
"So Peter's watching us both, not just me," I say. I'm not sure why, but this makes me even angrier. If Peter were to hurt Tobias I would kill him. There isn't a person in Dauntless who could stop me.
"I'm confident he's actually only watching you. He never shows up on my solo video only when we're together."
"If, in the moment, we catch him following us, can we stop him? Would that be evidence enough to get his DNA at least?" I know he isn't one of the attackers because his face doesn't match either of the sketches, and he hasn't been in Dauntless long enough to have killed Amar or George but I would feel better getting someone's DNA. I look into his eyes and see a mixture of fear for me and anger at Peter and this impossible situation we didn't know we were inheriting when we signed up to be Dauntless leaders.
"How do we balance it all, Tobias?" I ask. "We can't keep going on like this. No offense, but you look like hell. You aren't sleeping. Me, I'm being eaten alive by guilt and sleeping all the time. There has to be a balance." He gets up from the island and takes the cake plate and spoons to the dishwasher. He paces in the kitchen for a while. He abruptly stops and looks at me for a long moment. He slowly walks over and stands in front of me.
"What do you have to be guilty about, Tris?"
"First of all, I hurt myself and took us both away from our jobs enabling those monsters to kill someone. I have to live with that the rest of my life," I say, anger creeping into my voice. "Second, I didn't take your numerous warnings during initiation seriously, and I wound up on someone's radar. Now you are in danger from Peter because of it." Unthinking, I try to ball both my hands into fists, sending a shooting pain through my left hand.
"I'm not in danger from Peter," he says smugly.
"Yes, you are. Don't underestimate him. He's sneaky and poisonous. I remember what his punches feel like, Tobias, and he always seems to enlist help when he's attacking someone. He could catch you off guard or you could get hurt trying to protect me. Please keep yourself safe. I can't live without you," I say as I lean forward and wrap my arms around his neck. I pull his mouth to mine and kiss him gently at first. I force his mouth open with mine then push my tongue inside and let it glide over his. As the kiss deepens I pull him closer to me wanting to fill this intense need that is now humming through me. He pulls back breathless and extricates himself from my arms.
"Tobias," I moan, the inexplicable need evident in my voice. He shakes his head at me and turns around, still trying to catch his breath. Finally, he turns back to me. He leans forward placing his hands on either side of me on the island making me lean back.
"That kiss was leading somewhere we don't have time to go," he says with a gleam in his eyes, "unless you want to skip you doctor's appointment, Tris."