Tobias and I lie tangled up in each other's arms, not speaking. We just stare into one another's eyes in between long, slow, loving, tender kisses and listen to the sweet sound of the other's breathing for what seems like hours when I start to feel the chill of the late-December afternoon and a shiver rushes through me. Without saying a word, Tobias disentangles himself from my limbs and gets out of bed and retrieves the cozy extra-large quilt from the floor where he tossed it before we made love. He places it over me, then slides back into bed, returning his body to its previous position, apparently not ready for our lazy Sunday afternoon in bed to be over. I lean up and place my lips to his once again. We leisurely kiss, tangled up with each other once again. Soon he pulls away and rolls over onto his back and stretches. I stay on my side and snuggle up against his warm hard body, lying my head on his chest and placing my right leg over his, keeping it elevated. He wraps his right arm around me, winding strands of my hair around his fingers over and over and laces the fingers of his other hand with mine over his heart.
There are many things whirling around in my scattered mind right now that I want to talk to him about but I don't want to ruin this absolutely perfect moment. I've never been forthcoming about sex. It has always been an uncomfortable subject for me to talk about, somewhat taboo, and I don't know how to change these deep-seated feelings. I didn't even think about sex until I looked into Tobias' perfect dark blue eyes as he helped me out of the net the day I jumped into his life. Now it's a subject that quite honestly is almost always on my mind in one way or another. I want our relationship to be an open and honest one. I want to be able to talk with him about anything and everything without fear or embarrassment building to a fevered pitch but I quite honestly don't know how to start the conversation that's running through my head.
Soon my stomach growls, and he starts laughing, the deep belly laugh that I've only heard today. I love it so much already. He slides out of bed, and I take in the flawless site of his naked body as he goes to the dresser to take out a pair of his sleep pants. He's absolutely perfect, and desire stirs within me as I look at him. He slides the silky dark gray material over his nakedness, taking away my lovely view then turns back to me. He throws me my black lacy boy shorts, which landed clear across the room between the dresser and the wall, which is quite a feat if you ask me, after he took them off of me. I slide to the edge of the bed, trying not to be nervous about my own bareness and slide my undies on. With the protection of the small lace shorts now covering me, I don't feel quite as self-conscious. He's picking up our scattered clothing and didn't realize I got up. He stops when he sees me sitting on the edge of the bed and lets his eyes roam from the top of my head to the tips of my toes bringing a blush to my cheeks. The look in his eyes is one of pure pleasure. He looks in his hands like he forgot what it was he was doing then walks across the room to drop the clothes in the hamper. He goes back to our dresser and gets the t-shirt that he let me borrow the first couple of nights I stayed at his place and walks it over to me.
"Will you wear this tonight?" he shyly asks.
"Of course," I say. I stand on my good leg and playfully put my hands over my head, and he smiles down at me. He puts the t-shirt over my arms then pulls it over my head and lets it fall. It comes just below my knees but I know it's much longer than some dresses that Kirsten wears. I can't help but laugh at how I used to be so shy in this t-shirt because Tobias could see my legs. Now he's seen all of me.
He sweeps me up into his arms, and our mouths find each other automatically. He kisses me passionately all the way down the stairs. He pulls his mouth away from mine and sighs a little then gently places me on the couch. He goes to the freezer to retrieve the ice pack. He brings it over, grabbing the throw off the club chair as he walks by, and gently sets the frozen slush-filled bag on my right leg and forms it to the shape of my ankle. Then he covers me with the throw so I won't get too cold and heads into the kitchen to make supper.
He makes a very simple supper of grilled cheese sandwiches, which he makes with thick slices of crispy bacon and American, Swiss, and Cheddar cheeses on grilled sourdough bread and thick, creamy tomato basil soup. He brings the food to me on the couch, which is where we usually eat during our Sunday night home cooked meals. For some reason we find it cozier. I eat my sandwich slowly, savoring every delicious bite. He serves the steaming soup in a mug, and I drink it unhurriedly but I still finish before he does. I take him up on the offer of seconds, which I normally don't do but our extracurricular activities today are messing with my appetite. We each have another half sandwich and mug of soup then he puts all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and starts it. He comes over to the couch eyeing me suspiciously the entire time.
"You have something on your mind, Tris." This is a statement, not a question. "Do you want to tell me what it is?" he asks after he sits on the opposite end of the couch, placing my feet in his lap. He's so in tune with me and seems to pick up on the smallest change in my mood. It should be easier to talk with him now since we're no longer in bed, naked in each other's arms. My stomach muscles tighten at the sweet memories of this afternoon, and I flush bright red. After a moment, I slightly shake my head to clear the desire-filled thoughts.
"There are a few things I want to talk to you about," I start. I take a deep breath and meet his eyes, which are curious. "Please bear with me. You know this subject isn't very easy for me because of where we were brought up." I pause for a few moments, gathering my jumbled thoughts. "I need to know about your reaction to this morning. How can you think you hurt me, Tobias? I really don't understand, and I want to understand."
"How do I explain this to you? It isn't going to make a lot of sense. When you screamed and grabbed onto me, I could hear pain in your voice," he quietly says, looking straight in front of him. "The fact that I was the reason for that pain made my heart shatter into a million pieces, and I hated myself. I don't ever want to cause you pain, physical or emotional … for any reason whatsoever."
"Is there anything else? It feels like you're holding something back, that there's something more." I can't shake the feeling that there's more to this story, that he doesn't want me to know something. He hangs his head, and the room is deathly quiet for quite some time. I wait for him to answer me in his own time.
"When I left Abnegation, I brought the scars of that life here to Dauntless. I made myself a promise the day I jumped into that net that I've kept until this morning. I promised myself that I would never cause someone I love pain, and I caused you pain this morning. I know up here," he points to his head, "that what we were doing, making love, wasn't ... Oh God, I told you I don't know how to explain this." He gently moves my legs off of his lap, gets off the couch, and starts pacing back and forth in front of me. "Let me start over. When I made that promise, I was promising myself that I would never abuse someone the way my father abused me. When I heard the pain in your voice, because of me, it didn't matter in that moment that it was because I was making love to you and that it was new to both of us. All I could hear was the pain put there by me, and all I could think was that it happened ... I turned out exactly like Marcus after everything I've done to ensure that would never happen." A single tear slides slowly down my cheek, and I don't try to stop it. This isn't a tear showing weakness, and it isn't a tear telling him he's weak. It's a tear celebrating the brave child he was to survive that hell.
"I am so sorry, Tobias," I start to say but he interrupts me.
"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about," he says whirling around, regret in his eyes.
"Yes, I do," I say beckoning him with a finger. He sighs and comes to the couch. I move to let him sit down beside me. I lean up against his side, and he automatically wraps his arm around me, pulling me close. "I'm sorry that one scream hurt you so much. That painful moment, and that's all it was, a moment in time trying to get used to the feeling of you totally inside me for the first time, is haunting you more than it is me. I want today, as a whole, to be a wonderful memory for you, not a jaded one. Thank you for telling me why you feel the way you do. I do understand. I just need to tell you, you need to understand this. You never hurt me today, not once. I wish I could tell you exactly how today has made me feel, but there ... there are no words. You joked earlier that we were amazing together, but that's no joke, Tobias. It's unfathomable for so many reasons, but we are exactly right for each other on every level, and we fit together perfectly. Please remember that. Also remember you are nothing like Marcus. I wouldn't be here if you were."
"Thank you, Tris. I have one question though. Why do you think that it's unfathomable for us to be perfect for each other?" He's looking directly into my eyes, piercing straight through to my soul.
"I often feel like I'm not good enough for you. I still have trouble thinking that I deserve you, deserve your love, deserve all this," I quietly say as I motion to our home. "When we first started dating, I would touch you and I would feel your heart start to race, and I was amazed that I made you feel the exact same way you make me feel. There are times I feel like this is all one big dream and I will wake up in a different life, remembering every detail of this one, and I will feel cosmically cheated." He smiles at me for a long moment and then lowers his lips to mine and kisses me softly. The casual contact shoots electricity through every vein, making my body zing with energy.
"It amazes me that we so often have the same thoughts and feelings. I could have said exactly, word for word, what you just said." His eyes become curious once again and he says, "I know you have something else on your mind. Do you mind sharing?"
"Sex," squeaks out but that isn't exactly what I was trying to say. I look down, heat rising into my face once again. I look at him and see that he's trying very hard to hold back a smile, possibly a laugh. I take two deep breathes and look at the floor again. "It isn't funny, Tobias. I should be able to have a simple conversation with you about," I want to say sex but instead say, "anything but I'm ... embarrassed."
"Hey, look at me," he pulls my chin up until I'm looking in his serious eyes. "Let's make a pact right here, right now. We can say absolutely anything to each other, even if it's scary or embarrassing without fear or judgment. Okay?"
"Okay," I say nodding my head. I take another couple of deep breathes trying to calm myself further and duck my head into his shoulder. I know I won't get this out if I'm looking into his curious eyes. "Where did you learn that, with your tongue and fingers?" It barely comes out above a whisper. He's quiet for a moment, pondering. I know my face has to be bright red but I really want to know the answer to this question.
"Did you like that?" he quietly asks after a while. "I wasn't sure you would."
"I was ... surprised ... at first, and I'm ashamed to admit this, Tobias, but I never thought anything like that even existed. I didn't understand what you were going to do but when you touched me ... the way you did, it felt so good, unlike anything else. Yes, I liked it, a lot in fact. How did you know to do that? I'm almost certain they don't know anything about that in Abnegation." He pulls me closer to his side, and presses his lips into my hair.
"This morning I was doing some work on the computer when I couldn't sleep, and my thoughts kept drifting to you, as they so often do," he says, kissing the top of my head. "I was still upset with myself, and I wanted to find a way that would make it easier ... for you ... to take me," he quietly says, blushing also and I see that this subject is just as difficult for him as it is for me. "I remembered all the conversations I've had with Zeke and the guys over the years. Actually it's more like all the conversations I've listened to between Zeke and the guys ever since we've been friends. I will admit that the majority of my sex education has come from them." He blushes deeper. "I thought about calling Zeke but I couldn't bring myself to do that, so I started doing some research on the computer to better familiarize myself with what I could remember and I found that. It helped you didn't it. It seemed like it was easier for you this afternoon."
"Yes, it helped. It didn't hurt nearly as bad this afternoon as it did the first time. A little at first but it's mainly getting used to ... your size," I whisper. "I didn't make myself very clear this morning, but you are big, Tobias, and I just wasn't ready for that. I'm so thankful that our first time was in the dark because if I would have seen you then, I don't think I could have gone through with it. It scared me." We sit in awkward silence for a moment.
"What was your favorite part?" he asks, his voice husky.
"That's easy. You being so close to me. Feeling you inside me. Once I got past the pain, it was pure pleasure and ... fullness. I can't properly explain what I felt except for just that, full. You can't imagine how good it feels. I know it might sound cheesy to say but it's like you actually do perfectly fill a missing part of me, like you were made for me." We laugh lightheartedly at my admission. "What about you, Tobias? What did you like the best?"
"Let me think," he says, pondering the memories I imagine. "There are so many things that I could choose but I think seeing you, all of you, for the first time this afternoon is my best memory from today. You are the absolute most beautiful creature on this planet, and you are right. We were made for each other. I will never love another. There's only you," he says before he lowers his mouth to mine. He kisses me passionately, thoroughly but we're both absolutely too exhausted to let the kiss lead anywhere further.
He gets off the couch, turns the Christmas tree lights on, turns off the living room lights, and then sits back down on the corner of the couch facing the tree. He puts one leg on the floor and the other behind me and pulls me in, and I lounge against him. I hold his right hand with mine, and we sit in comfortable silence, enjoying the feeling of each other's bodies close to one another's and watching the dancing lights on the Christmas tree. I let my mind drift back over every single moment of today and relive every touch, every look, and every kiss. Suddenly, I become a little sad and angry at the same time.
"If we ever have kids, Tobias, promise me that we'll tell them the truth about sex, the whole truth even if it's hard to do, that we won't hold anything back. I feel cheated, and I'm very angry at my mom right now that she didn't explain to me exactly what sex is and what it's about. I appreciate that she told me the mechanics or I would have been completely blind coming into this relationship. I've learned more from Christina in the past five months, and obviously from you today, than I did from my own mother. I can't forget that and at least right now, I'm not willing to forgive. I would really like to go over to my mom and dad's and confront her. I know I never will, but I would love to," I say, one sentence running into the next. He's listening to me ramble, letting me get out my negative feelings without commenting on them. "I feel like Abnegation robbed me of that experience, an open and honest relationship with my own mom or at the very least one open and honest conversation. After experiencing it first hand, I don't see how they can think that sex is selfish. You weren't selfish today. I don't think I was. As a matter of fact you were quite selfless today, and I must say thank you. I don't know if that's the right sentiment but thank you, Tobias, for today, for loving me. I love you. I love you for who you are. I love you for how you make me feel. I love you for who I am with you." I sigh. "I just love you."
"Are you done?" he asks with a chuckle after I've been quiet for a moment.
"Yes, smart ass," I say, rolling my eyes even though he can't see me.
"I love you too, my Six," he says tenderly kissing my neck. We lounge together on the couch in each other's arms the rest of the evening making small talk and watching the dazzling Christmas tree lights dance sending prisms across the floor, wall, windows, and ceiling.