"You have another child?" Tobias asks Evelyn. I can do nothing but sit on this old, tired train station bench and watch the scene in front of me play out between the man I love more than life itself and his supposedly dead mother.
"Yes," she says, hitching her chin up a notch like she is being reprimanded. "His name is Tyler. He'll be 2 years old in a little over a month."
"Who is his father?" Tobias asks, his body as still as stone and his voice like ice.
"His father is the same as his sister's," she says. Sister? Tobias has a sister? I see him look my way but I can't meet his eyes. Another piece of my shattered heart falls away as I hear important information about the man I love from a virtual stranger. I can't help but wonder what else he's keeping from me. Just this afternoon he came out and said there were things he hadn't told me yet but I had no idea it could be about anything this important. His dead mother is alive. He has a sister whom he never told me about. He has an almost 2-year-old brother, although I can't fault him for that. It seems like he didn't know about him either.
"I'm here now, Evelyn. Why don't you tell me what it is you want," Tobias says sounding exhausted himself. She looks my way but I'm still staring at Tyler, watching him run between the rusty train wheels and climb on everything in sight. If I didn't know better I would swear he was Dauntless. He doesn't seem to have an ounce of fear in him.
"I'd rather talk in private, Tobias," Evelyn says, finally bringing me out of my reverie. Who does she think she is? I glare at her.
"Whatever you want to talk to me about will be talked about with Tris right here. So if you want to talk to me, talk. Otherwise, we're leaving." Evelyn's hard eyes meet mine with a scowl. It's difficult to believe she once was a member of Abnegation. I don't see anything about her that's selfless.
"Fine. I need you to do something for me," she says looking Tobias in the eyes. Right now both their eyes look black as night. "I'm pregnant again, Tobias, and I can't raise another child." They hold each other's stares. Pregnant? One would think someone of her age would know how that happens and take precautions. Even Tobias and I knew enough to use birth control before we made love for the first time.
"What am I supposed to do about that, Evelyn?" he asks, his tone flat.
"I want to give the child to you to raise," she says. "I will not give another child up for adoption unless I know exactly where she's going. The only way that can happen is if I give the child to a family member. You're my only hope, Tobias."
"Once again, Evelyn, what about the baby's father. Give the child to him," he says, his voice rising slightly.
"He can't take on the responsibility of another mouth to feed any more than I can," she says. "Please, Tobias. I know I'm asking a lot but I've never asked anything of you before."
"Never asked me for anything," Tobias says so low I'm not sure he knows he spoke out loud. I can sense he is on the verge of exploding. "You walked out of my life when I was 9 years old, Evelyn. Marcus told me you were dead, I mourned you. You were my only bright spot in an otherwise dark and horrific childhood. I clung to those memories so hard. Then I learned you were alive and you had abandoned me, left me there at the mercy of the sadistic monster who had so cruelly abused you for so many years. You say you didn't think he would hurt me but I don't believe that not for one minute. He was already turning his attention my way before you 'died,'" he spits. His chest is heaving with each word.
"The worst part is I don't even blame you for leaving him. When I was finally old enough, I left his sorry ass, too. What I don't understand is why you didn't take me with you. You chose to leave me, you son, your little boy, with your monster of a husband. You couldn't have loved me very much." Tears are swimming in his eyes, and I can see he's trying very hard to hold them back. "Then when I meet with you for the first time in almost eight years I find out the baby I was told had died didn't, and she is out there somewhere in the city and you can't even tell me her name or what faction she belongs to. Now in meeting with you again I not only find out I have a little brother but another brother or sister on the way and to top it all off you want me to raise the baby." He stands there shaking his head at her. "Is that everything, mother?"
"I know I'm asking a lot of an 18-year-old young man, taking on the responsibility of a single parent," she says. Obviously she doesn't know Tobias and I live together. If he raises a child, I'm right there with him, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm only 16 after all. "If anyone could do it though, you could."
"I wouldn't be a single parent, Evelyn. I have Tris," he says looking at me. This time I meet his eyes. I give him no indication as to how I'm feeling right now mainly because I don't know how I'm feeling, I'm numb. Little Tyler comes toddling over to his mother and pulls on her coat. She bends down to his level, and he whispers in her ear. She smiles lovingly at him.
"Tyler, this is your brother, Tobias," she says to him. I notice Tobias straighten up a little then he squats down to Tyler's level, and they stare at each other for a long time. It must be surreal for both of them. It has to be like looking in to the future for Tyler and into the past for Tobias.
"Hi," Tyler bashfully says. "I Ty." Tobias sticks his hand out, and Tyler takes it, laughing.
"It's nice to meet you, Ty," Tobias says shaking Tyler's hand. "You can call me Four. All my best friends call me that." Tyler giggles at hearing Tobias' unusual nickname.
"'Kay, Fo," he says. Tobias beams at his brother then looks my way, and I can't help but smile at him and his little mini-me.
"Would you like to meet someone who's very special to me, Ty?" Tobias asks. Tyler bobs his head up and down, his light blue eyes shining bright with excitement. Tobias straightens up and walks over by me and Tyler shadows him. "Tyler, this is my girlfriend, Tris."
"Hi, Tyler. It's very nice to meet you," I say to him holding out my hand to him. He ignores my hand and laughs and points at my collarbone.
"Pitty biwd," he says.
"Those are my ravens," I say to him.
"Waven," he repeats.
"That's right," I say pointing at my tattoo. "There's one for my brother, one for my dad, and one for my mom." I slide my finger down the three ravens. I catch Tobias' eye when he realizes he's not yet represented, and his mask momentarily falls away. He looks truly devastated, and I have to look away. I can't stand that in this instant I'm the one causing him pain. I smile back down at his little brother who gives me a big lopsided grin and turns and runs back toward his mother. When I look back at Tobias his Four mask is once again firmly in place. He turns towards his mother.
"I want to get to know him," Tobias says, "but I don't like the idea of having to see you on a regular basis. I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for leaving me the way you did."
"I wish you would try," she says. "What about the baby, Tobias?"
"That's a decision I cannot make on my own, and it cannot be made lightly. How far along are you?" he asks.
"I'm due at the end of April. The 29th to be exact." In approximately four months her baby is due. Suddenly fear is ripping through my body. There's no way Tobias can honestly be considering her request. "It's another girl by the way. I found that out at my last doctor's appointment, which you were at if I'm not mistaken, Tris." Tobias' head flies in my direction.
"I knew you looked familiar when I saw you sitting in the clinic waiting room looking out the window," I say, not taking my eyes off of Evelyn. "I even mentioned you to my friend, Christina, but I had no idea who you were. To be honest until I saw you again tonight standing here next to Four, I hadn't given that day or you a second thought." It comes out sounding harsher than I mean it to. I don't know her at all but I do know she left him with Marcus and even as mad as I am at him right now, I wouldn't wish his childhood on anyone. Her eyes narrow at me. I can tell we aren't going to get along. I thought he only had one psycho parent for me to contend with. I sigh.
"I'll discuss it with Tris, and I'll give you our answer one week from tonight," Tobias says. So we have seven days to determine our future. He turns and looks at me. "Are you ready to go?" I nod my head yes, and I get up off the bench. Tyler comes running back over and we say goodbye. We walk back across the train yard to where we jumped off the train and wait.
"Are you okay, Tris?" Tobias asks. How am I right now? How do I feel about all this? I'm far from okay.
"No, I'm not, Tobias," I say, needing to be honest. "We have a lot to talk about."
"I'm sorry all of this was sprung on you tonight," he says, looking down at me. My eyes are still adjusting to the darkness but I think I see tears in his eyes again. Seeing him in pain makes my heart constrict.
"Why didn't you just tell me your mother was alive?" I ask, needing to know his reason for keeping me at arm's length. He's quiet for a long time, and I'm not sure he's going to answer my question.
"I wasn't ready to talk about it, about her. As much as Marcus' beatings hurt, it hurts a hell of a lot worse that she left me. I don't like thinking about it. I guess I would rather pretend she never contacted me, that I didn't know," he says. We see the light of the approaching train, and he stops talking. We start running as soon as we see the engine, and he once again helps me into the train. My ankle's starting to throb quite a bit. I'm probably going to have to take some pain medication when we get home.
"I'm sorry Evelyn was selfish and left you," I say as he closes the doors. He turns and looks at me. "I truly am, Tobias. No one should ever feel unwanted and unloved, especially by the people who should love you the most in the world, your parents. But I'm still angry and hurt. We made a promise to each other that we could always tell each other anything without being embarrassed and without fear of what the other one would think. Did you only mean me, because you keep things from me? That hurts a lot and makes me feel like you don't trust me."
"I trust you," he says. "There are some things in my life that are too painful for me to talk about. Not telling you doesn't have anything to do with you, it's all about me."
"It's not you, it's me. That's laughable, Tobias," I say spitefully. We sit in silence until it's time to get off the train. This time I don't fight him when he goes to pick me up. I automatically wrap my arms around his neck and wait for us to jump. He opens the doors, takes a few steps back, and then jumps off the train. Once again, I feel like I'm flying for a moment. If it were under any other circumstance, I would be having a wonderful time right now in his arms.
After he gets a hold on his footing, he sits me on my feet. I march off toward the Pire, and he follows closely behind me. When we reach our apartment, I get a couple acetaminophen and down them with a big glass of water then I collapse on the couch.
"How's your ankle," he asks me, once again taking my foot gently in his hands and massaging the ache away.
"It's okay, Tobias," I say. We stare into one another's eyes for a long time not saying a word. He finally releases my foot and sits down on the loveseat, putting his elbows on his knees.
"We need to talk about this, Tris. Please don't shut me out," he says, a grave look on his face. "I'm truly sorry I didn't tell you about Evelyn being alive. I should have, I just didn't know how to tell you."
"Shutting you out?" I laugh but it's a hateful sound. I've never in my life heard anything like that pass my lips. I hate myself for it. I close my eyes and take a few calming breaths before I continue. "Do you even know why I'm upset with you, Tobias?"
"Because I didn't tell you Evelyn was alive," he says.
"And," I prompt. He thinks for a moment.
"I didn't tell you about the other flower deliveries, and I lied to you when I told you the first card was unsigned."
"You are so off base," I say, shaking my head.
"Then tell me why you're so upset," he say, begging. "I honestly don't get it."
"Put yourself in my shoes, Tobias. How would you feel if I had been keeping something this important from you since we met?" I ask. "This isn't an omission of your favorite color. This is not telling me your father lied to you, your mother abandoned you, and she's still alive. But that isn't what's upsetting me so much, what upsets me the most is you chose not to share this with me. The minute the first vase of flowers showed up you had a choice, Tobias. You could either tell me the truth or you could lie. You chose to lie."
"I ... wasn't ... ready," he says, his temper flaring. "I would have told you about her when I was ready. It isn't easy talking about her, thinking about her. She left me, Tris. You don't know what it's like to have someone leave you. I hope you never do."
"I need to know something, Tobias. If I hadn't opened that card from your mother today would you have lied to me about it? Be honest with me for once." He is quiet for a while, looking at the floor.
"Yeah, I probably would have," he slowly replies. Tears of frustration fill my eyes. "Like I said, I wasn't ready to tell you about her yet. We need to talk about the baby, Tris." I stare at him for a moment, a blank look on my face.
"You're ... what ... Are you kidding me? You're honestly sitting here in front of me asking me to raise a child with you? I don't think I can do that," I say shaking my head. "I don't even know you."
"This is absurd," he shouts, bolting up off the loveseat and pacing back and forth. "You know me better than anyone else ever has. Stop acting like this is the end of the world."
"You still don't understand why I'm so upset do you? I have given you everything, Tobias Eaton, everything. I even gave myself to you, and you still hold pieces of yourself back. That isn't love, I don't know what it is. I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving," I say, tears streaming down my cheeks. I turn and walk out of the apartment, feeling the hole where my heart used to be. I head down the hallway and knock on Christina and Will's door. When she answers, I fall into her arms, sobbing.