I spend a long, restless night in Will and Christina's guest bedroom, crying and tossing and turning in the tiny twin bed. I'm honestly surprised Tobias didn't come looking for me after our fight but maybe we are totally broken now, and there's nothing that can be done to fix it. Just the thought makes me break down again. I look at the clock that rests on the nightstand and see it's only a little before 5:00 a.m. I'm not ready to face what the world has in store for me today so I roll over in bed and face the wall. I think back over every moment of the past 24 hours and sigh. How did things get so turned around?
Christina and Will tried to force me to tell them what happened but I was crying and blubbering so much I was totally incoherent. Since so much that happened last night revolves around Tobias' Abnegation life, I don't think I'm at liberty to tell them everything that happened anyway so it's probably best I didn't tell them anything at all. I realize I can't hide in bed all day as much as I would like to. I need to be brave and face my problems head on. I groan then roll out of bed and straighten the covers before going out into their sizable living room.
The sun is barely beyond the horizon so there's just enough light coming in the floor-to-ceiling windows for me to make my way around the unfamiliar space without bumping into things. Their apartment has a totally different layout than mine. One of their four bedrooms is downstairs along with a full bathroom, kitchen, dining room, and living room. From what I saw of it last night, it's a really nice place, and Christina has decorated it beautifully. Hopefully, they'll invite me back sometime when I can enjoy it more, preferably, for all of us, when I'm not falling apart.
I quietly leave their apartment, locking the door before I leave and stand in the hallway in front of my door for a long while wondering what awaits me on the other side. My heart rate increases and my breathing quickens. Did I overreact to the entire situation? I know why I'm upset. He chose to keep something that's very important and goes to his basic fundamentals as a person to himself, and I probably still wouldn't know anything about it if I hadn't read the note from his mother attached to the last bouquet of flowers. He never told me his mother is alive; the mother who abandoned him when he was 9 years old. He never told me he has a sister; a sister who he has never seen before and doesn't know where she lives, if she's okay, or even what her name is. He never told me his father abused his mother also; I think that might be what he was getting at yesterday after our meeting with Marcus but he didn't want to talk about it in public. I realize I might have screwed this up just as much by walking out last night as he did by choosing to not tell me the truth.
I test the doorknob, and realize there's no need to fish my key out of my pocket since it turns under my grip. I quietly walk into the apartment and find Tobias asleep on the couch wearing what he had on last night. If he had any kind of night like I had, he needs his rest so I try not to disturb him. I go into the kitchen and start a pot of coffee then tiptoe up the stairs to take a shower. I let the spray of hot water wash away the tension that's accumulated in my body over the past 24 hours, and I feel myself begin to relax. When I finish, I put on a comfortable pair of yoga pants and a long-sleeved black sweater. I pad down the stairs to get some much-needed coffee. I know I won't make it through the day without it. He's still lying on the couch asleep, so I quietly go to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.
"Will you pour me one, too?" he says as I lift the mug to my lips, making me jump.
"Oh, damn! You scared me. I thought you were asleep," I say, holding my hand over my racing heart. He gets up off the couch and walks over to the island and sits down across from where I'm standing. I pour him a cup of coffee and slide it toward him, eyeing him the entire time. He looks haggard.
"I didn't have a very good night," he says, taking in my inspection. His Four mask is firmly in place, and he's not showing any emotion at all.
"Neither did I, Tobias," I say, meeting his eyes. "I need to apologize to you. No matter how upset I was, I shouldn't have left the way I did last night. That was unfair of me."
"No, you shouldn't have," he says.
"We still have a lot to talk about. Let's sit on the couch," I say, picking up my mug and moving into the living room. He follows behind me, and we each sit on opposite ends of our couch angling our bodies toward one another. I hold my mug gently between my hands letting its warmth flow through me. I look into his eyes, and I can't see what he's feeling like I normally can, and it frustrates me. "I've thought a lot about what happened yesterday, and I think I might have overreacted a little. Finding out you've been keeping secrets from me hurt unlike anything has ever hurt in my entire life, Tobias, and I didn't handle things the best I could have."
"I'm sorry too, Tris. I should have told you about Evelyn and my sister. After thinking long and hard about it after you left, talking to you might have made me feel better about the whole situation. Instead of being afraid to share it with you, I should have leaned on you, borrowed your strength."
"So where do we go from here? I can't just forget yesterday happened," I say.
"Neither can I," he says, moving a little closer to me.
"I still feel like you're holding parts of yourself back from me, Tobias. If you have any other secrets, you need to tell me now. I don't think I can handle any more surprises," I say, putting my now empty coffee cup on the cork coaster on the end table then looking back at him.
"There are lots of things we still don't know about each other. We both learn new things every day but I have no more secrets. I promise."
"You warned me about your father yesterday. You wanted to tell me something about him but didn't get a chance to," I say. "What was it?"
"You found out last night. He was very abusive to my mother. He beat her on a daily basis for every reason under the sun and no reason at all, but that isn't everything," he says. He pauses before he continues. I can see this is very hard for him to talk about. "He was also psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abusive to her. There are things I heard in that house that I wish I could permanently erase from my memory. He called her names, degraded her, and made her feel worthless about herself, which made me feel worthless for not helping her. I don't blame her in the least for having the affair and leaving him. He deserved it." I don't feel as severely about Evelyn as I did listening to him tell me about the abuse she suffered at Marcus' hands. Tobias' eyes glaze over, and I can tell he's in another place and time, reliving past memories he would rather forget. "I just can't get past the fact she left me with him, the man who did those unspeakable things to her for so many years. I don't believe her when she says she didn't think he would hurt me. He had already started in before she left. I can't help but feel she had to know.
"Then when she told me the baby from almost 10 years ago didn't in fact die, that she gave her up for adoption, I couldn't believe my ears. How does someone give up their child, not once but twice, and if she succeeds in getting us to adopt this new baby, that is three children she gave away. How can a mother do that?" From what I've seen of Evelyn, mother is not a word I would use to describe her. "And then there's Tyler. I know I could learn to love him, but what makes him so special that she decided to keep him and throw the rest of us away. I hate myself for feeling this way."
"Hopefully, your sister is being well taken care of by two loving parents who are giving her the best of everything including themselves. You have to think of her that way," I say. "As for Tyler, I really don't know what to tell you. I understand why you feel the way you do but you need to remember one thing, it isn't his fault she kept him with her."
"I know. It just hurts," he says.
"I'm sorry she has the power to hurt you," I say, moving across the couch to take his hand. We lace our fingers together and stare into one another's eyes. I feel my heart start to race under the heat of his gaze.
"What about the baby, Tris. I know we're young, but I don't think I can have another sister out there in the world and not know who she is, where she's at, or if she's okay," he says quietly, pain clear in his voice. "I want to adopt the baby."
"Tobias, think about what you're asking? I'm 16. You're 18," I say but he interrupts before I can continue my argument.
"We'll be 17 and 19 soon," he says matter-of-factly.
"What do we know about raising a baby?" I ask.
"What do any first time parents know about raising a child? It's something we would learn together over time," he says. Oh, he's good. I think he must have spent a lot of time last night thinking about why he wants this child as I was down the hall thinking about all the reasons why I'm not ready.
"Do we want to bring a child into this relationship when we're both targets of some psycho?" I ask, trying to grasp at any angle to get him to reconsider his arguments, which are well thought out. He looks at my face for a moment, examining it thoroughly.
"You don't want to have a baby with me?" he asks, sounding hurt.
"Oh, Tobias," I say. I don't want to hurt him further, but I'm just not ready. "Right now? No, I don't. We haven't been together for six months yet. By the time the baby comes a full year won't have passed. Don't you think this is rushing everything, adopting a baby? That's so much responsibility. I just don't think I'm ready for that." Just the thought sets every nerve ending in my body on fire.
"Is there anything I can say that will change your mind? I want this baby, Tris," he says. I look at him, and suddenly fear envelopes me. If he wants this child bad enough, and I say no, he could leave me. I know without a doubt that is something I don't want.
"We have a week to decide, right? We don't have to be hasty. We need to work on this decision together. That's what partners do. I promise I will listen to everything you have to say about adopting your sister as long as you promise to listen to all of my concerns."
"You have a deal," he says. "There's something I need from you. Promise me you will never walk out on me again like you did last night. I can take a lot of things, Tris, but that is not one of them. If you ever do that again, we're through ... understand." I look into his eyes and see a mixture of anger, fear, hurt, and rejection.
"I promise, Tobias. I'll never leave like that again. It was immature of me, and I can see that I hurt you. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you," I say, leaning over and wrapping myself around him. He holds me tightly, running his hands through my hair. It's in this moment I realize we're going to be okay. After a minute he pushes me back gently and looks down into my eyes.
"I have to apologize, Tris. You were right. I was holding you at arm's length, not letting you in 100%. Everyone I have ever truly loved has disappointed me in some way, and I was shielding myself from that pain and frustration. I've always learned from example, and to me love equals pain, abuse, neglect, abandonment. I thought I was protecting myself by not letting you in all the way but I realized last night I was wrong. I was not only hurting you but I was hurting myself as well."
"We still have a lot to learn about each other, don't we?" I take both of his hands in mine and look into his deep dark soulful blue eyes, and all the hurt feelings I've felt in the past 24 hours vanish leaving only a deep, deep love behind. "I promise you, Tobias Eaton, to be honest every single day, to talk to you about things I don't always want to talk about without fear or embarrassment. I promise to love you and only you for the rest of my life and work out our differences or problems and not run away from them. I love you."
"Beatrice Prior, my love ... my life ... my heart. I promise to never hold back any part of myself from you from this day forward, to give myself over to you wholeheartedly without fear or reservation. I promise to treat you as my equal in everything we do, in all the decisions we make throughout our lifetime. And most importantly I promise to love you and only you for the rest of my life until we decide together to bring children into this home, then I promise I will love them just as much as I love you, and I do love you, my Six, more than you know."
He leans toward me, and I raise my lips to meet his. He kisses me softly at first but the kiss deepens as the need we feel seeps into it. We break away from each other breathlessly, and he lifts my shirt off over my head with no objection from me. I want him, all of him, now in this moment. I ache to feel him inside me. I straddle his lap and raise his shirt off over his head and toss it away just as his mouth lands on mine. I feel his hands reach around me and unhook my bra. He slides it down my arms and tosses it behind him without a care. His hands cover my bare breasts, and I moan against his open mouth. Suddenly a loud banging at the door brings us out of the passionate fog, and we freeze in each other's arms.
"If we don't make any noise maybe they'll go away," I whisper in his ear. He smiles at me and places his lips on mine once again, desire building again but the knocking continues.
"Beatrice Prior, I know you're in there. If you don't answer this door immediately, I'm going to go and get the spare key you gave me and let myself in," Christina yells through the closed door. I sigh into Tobias' mouth.
"I forgot I gave her a key," I whisper to Tobias. Then I yell at Christina, "Just a minute." I get off his lap after another quick kiss and slide my shirt back on, and I notice him doing the same. I smooth down my still damp hair as I walk to the door and open it. Christina and Will push their way inside.
"Come in," I say. Then I add, "Good morning."
"Are you okay?" Christina asks me, glaring at Tobias the entire time. I nod at her before answering.
"Yes. We were talking, working things out," I say.
"Talking?" she asks skeptically. Her eyes look down at the floor, and I follow her gaze to my lacy black bra Tobias just tossed away a few moments ago. How could I have forgotten that? I move quickly, pick up the bra, and toss it to the other side of the Christmas tree, out of the line of sight.
"I want some answers, Tris. You were a total mess last night. I've never seen you that upset, and now you're acting like nothing even happened. It doesn't add up," Christina says, shaking her head. I take a deep breath and think about her demands. I don't think I can tell her why I acted the way I did last night without exposing some of Tobias' secrets, and I can't do that to him ... no, I won't do that.
"Christina," I slowly say. "I'm so sorry I showed up on your doorstep last night the way I did, and you're right you deserve some answers but I can't tell you what happened last night. Just know I'm okay now."
"I'm not leaving until I get some answers, Tris," Christina says, crossing her arms over her chest, glaring at me now.
"Tris isn't going to tell you anything, Christina," Tobias says, "but I will."