A strangled scream pierces the silence of the night, jolting me awake. Tobias is lying beside me thrashing about, sweat pouring off of him in buckets. I realize he's having a nightmare, and the fog of sleep lifts immediately.
"Tobias," I say. "Wake up. You're dreaming." He keeps twisting beneath the sheets, a look of terror on his face. I put my hands on his shoulders and lightly shake him. "Tobias! Wake up, please." I suddenly realize tears are sliding down my cheek. He hasn't had a nightmare since the first days we spent together at his old apartment when he would sleep on the floor or couch and let me have his bed. To my knowledge, he hasn't had a single nightmare since we started sleeping in the same bed together. I shake him again, and he bolts upright, gasping for air. He looks around the dark room confused.
"You were having a nightmare, Tobias," I quietly say. "Whatever it was, it wasn't real. You're okay." I assume he was dreaming of Marcus and the abuse he suffered for all those years at his hands since he shared the story of his childhood with Will, Christina, and Tori. Abruptly he grabs me and roughly pulls me into the protective circle of his arms. I wrap myself around him, comforting him. I can't stand it when he's in pain. I tell him again it was only a dream.
"Thank God," he says. "It was just a dream and you're okay." He holds me tight, gasping for air, and I can feel his heart hammering in his muscled chest.
"What were you dreaming about?" I ask.
"Oh, it was nothing. Why don't you go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you," he says. "I'm going downstairs to get a drink." He releases me from his arms and slips out of bed. He pulls on a pair of pajama bottoms before going down to the kitchen.
I lie in bed wondering when he will return because I find it hard to fall asleep without his arms around me. I look at the clock and see that a half-hour has passed, and he still hasn't come back to bed. I roll out of bed, go to the closet, and slide into my silky robe then go looking for him. I find him sitting in the middle of the couch huddled over, elbows on his knees, and his face in his hands.
"Tobias, what's wrong?" I ask sitting down next to him, rubbing my hand up and down his back. He looks up at me with a grave look on his face.
"I went through my fear landscape today after I was in the training room. It had been a while, and I wanted to see if anything changed," he says leaning back into the plush cushions of the couch.
"Are you still Four?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah," he says, but he can't muster a smile. "I still have four fears but they aren't the same anymore."
"Please tell me what has you so upset, Tobias," I say. He takes a deep breath then groans.
"You're my greatest fear, Tris," he solemnly says. Pain spasms through me, and I can't hold back a gasp. "Oh, God! I'm sorry, love. Let me rephrase that. Losing you is my greatest fear." He pulls me close and kisses the top of my head. "The simulation was so real. I heard you screaming at the chasm. I came around the corner to see Peter, Drew, and Al dangling you over the railing just like that terrible night. You were calling out for me, begging me to help you over and over then suddenly I was held in place by Eric and Marcus. They were relentless, I couldn't move a muscle. Then with an evil look on his face that bastard Peter tells the others to let you go, and I watch you fall. It was horrible not being able to do anything, to just stand there and watch you fall to your death." I lean back and look into his eyes.
"It was only a simulation, Tobias. You saved me from them that night. Remember that. Hold on to that," I say kissing his lips lightly. "I'm right here." He sighs and pulls me into his arms once again.
"That isn't the only fear that changed, Tris. I'm still afraid of heights and confinement, that hasn't changed but I'm no longer scared of Marcus ... I'm scared of becoming Marcus," he quietly says into my hair. That's absurd, Tobias is nothing like Marcus. "You and I were here in the kitchen making supper. It was surreal. I was looking around wondering what was so scary about the situation. Before I could finish the thought a little girl about 10 years old, who looked like the perfect mixture of us, dark brown curls, bluish-gray eyes, absolutely beautiful, came running down the stairs dressed all in Dauntless black, laughing. When she saw me she stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me with such fear in her eyes. I recognized that fear, Tris. It was the same fear I had when I would look at Marcus when he was angry. She bowed her head and said, 'I'm sorry, Daddy. I won't ever run down the stairs again. Please don't be mad at me again.' Then I saw my reflection in the window, and it was Marcus, not me. I had to calm myself for the simulation to move on. I tried talking to her but it only made me more upset. Those two things I faced this afternoon in my fear landscape were worse than all the beatings Marcus put me through combined." I suddenly realize that his fear landscape is why he was off this afternoon.
"Tobias Eaton, first of all, you are nothing at all like Marcus," I say, taking his face between my hands and staring deep into his sad eyes. "You would never put someone you love through what he put you through, especially your own child. Of all the fears and reservations about adopting your sister or having children in general, you turning into your father and being abusive has never ... will never be one. You will be a wonderful father one day."
"I know I won't allow myself to turn out like him but deep down the fear exists all the same. How do I get rid of it?" he asks. "There is something I've never told you, Tris, something I'm not proud of. When I get into a fight and allow the control to slip away I like the feeling of power it gives me beating the other person into submission. What does that say about me? Doesn't that make me just like Marcus?"
"It says that you're a normal Dauntless member to me," I say, shrugging my shoulders. "You can't let it define who you are, Tobias. Do you remember when I beat Molly?"
"Yes, how could I forget? You were like a wholly different person that day," he says with a grim look on his face. "I didn't know who you were, and seeing you that way scared me. I didn't like it at all. I wanted my Tris back, and you weren't even mine yet."
"Do you know what happened that day, what led to me becoming so aggressive?" I whisper.
"No," he says, shaking his head. "I figured you would tell me one day when you were ready." I think back to that day and rage surges through my veins. I have to take a few deep, calming breaths before I can continue.
"I was getting dressed in the girl's bathroom but my pants wouldn't go on over the new muscles in my legs. I had no other choice but to wrap a towel around myself and head to the dorm, hoping and praying the entire way it would be empty but Peter, Drew, and Molly were there along with some of the other transfers laughing and having a good time. I made my way to my bunk hoping they would just ignore me for once and got the dress Christina made me buy when I first came here. When I stood back up Peter was there," I say, lost in the memory. "He blocked my path with his arm but I saw that if I ducked underneath it, I could still make it to the bathroom. Then the other's gathered around us, and Drew and Molly were making rude comments and making fun of me. Peter grabbed my towel as I ducked underneath his arm trying to make my escape, and I ran for the bathroom while everyone in the dorm laughed at me. I was mortified because half the transfers saw me naked. I got to the bathroom and cried but then I realized that I was mostly just pissed off and the tears evaporated. So I put on the dress, went to the Pit, and got some new clothes. That's why I was nearly late to the training room that day. I was hoping that Peter's name would be next to mine. I was only slightly disappointed to see Molly's instead. She deserved what I gave her that day, and I liked how it made me feel in the moment but I didn't let it shape who I am. Yes, I got a bit carried away but it doesn't mean that when I have kids I'm going to abuse them."
"I could kill him, all of them, for doing that to you," he says in his scary Four voice. "I had no idea that's what happened that day. It's not really the same thing tough, Tris."
"In a way it is, Tobias. We all have our skeletons, and they help make us who we are. We just have to decide how we let them shape us," I say. "Tell me, when you've been angry with me have you ever had the urge to hit me or worse?"
"No," he says, appalled that I would ask such a question.
"So why do you think you would react that way to your child?" I say. "Why is that one of your greatest fears?"
"I guess I do have some doubts about becoming a father that I didn't even know I had. I just don't want to turn out like Marcus," he says. We are quiet for a moment before he continues. "Can we talk about the baby? I know we still have a few more days to make our decision but it's been weighing on my mind since she asked."
"Of course we can," I say. "Tell me what your reservations are."
"Until today in my fear landscape, I really didn't think I had any," he says. "What are your reservations?"
"Our age, how busy we are, all the trouble in Dauntless just to name a few. Do any of these things make you doubt this is the best time to bring a child into our lives?" He thinks about it for a while then shakes his head.
"No, they don't," he says. "I just can't imagine another sister being out in the world and me not knowing her."
"I'm afraid to ask this question, but I need to know your answer. If I say I can't ... won't do this, what does that mean for us?" I ask. He frowns a bit and gets up off the couch and starts pacing.
"I honestly don't know," he says. "What if I tell you I'm adopting this little girl whether you want to or not? What then?" I melt into the couch cushions. I don't like where this conversation is heading. I just stare at him, a look of terror on my face, I imagine.
"Is that how it's going to be?" I quietly ask him, tears forming in my eyes. He rushes back to the couch and pulls me into his arms. We hold tight to each other. It's abundantly clear that neither one of us wants to lose the other so we have to end this impasse.
"No. We will make this decision together, Tris," he says. "Are all your thoughts about this negative?" I'm silent for a long time trying to gather my scattered thoughts.
"Not exactly," I say. "I can't stand to see you hurt, Tobias, and to think of you being in pain for the rest of your life because I don't want to do this kills me. I hope that makes sense."
"Of course it does." If only there was a way for me to know exactly how I feel.
"Tobias, I need to go through my fear landscape," I say, suddenly excited. "This is just like when I pushed you away when you came home drunk. If I knew exactly what it is I'm afraid of, I can ... we can face it head on, and if it isn't in my fear landscape at all then there really isn't anything to fear. Can we do it now?"
"Yeah. Come on let's get dressed," he says. We go back upstairs and hurriedly throw on some clothes.
"What was your dream about?" I ask on our way to the fear landscape room.
"It was the scene by the chasm just like in my fear landscape," he says with a shudder.
"Until you experienced it in your fear landscape today have you ever dreamed of that before?" I ask. I know I've dreamt of it, many times. He thinks for a while.
"No, it haven't. My nightmares always centered on Marcus until today."
"Peter, Drew, Al, Eric, and Marcus cannot hurt me," I say.
"Drew, Al, and Eric can't hurt you but that doesn't mean Peter and Marcus can't and won't," he says.
"You're right but I'm not going to allow them to do anything to me. I'm stronger than that now," I say. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and kisses the top of my head.
"That's my brave girl," he says so low I think he's talking to himself.
When we get to the fear landscape room he enters my data in the computer then walks over to me with the simulation serum. He asks if I'm ready, and I nod my head at him. He kisses me then inserts the needle into my neck and pushes the plunger down allowing my adrenaline-spiked blood to spread the serum throughout my body. After a minute the room fades, and I'm standing in the grassy field. Off in the distance a black cloud is moving toward me. Damn crows, I think. My heart starts pounding in my chest. I kneel down in the tall grass and search for the gun. Finally I feel the familiar cool steel touch the palm of my hand, and I feel my hammering heart slow slightly. I grab the weapon and take aim. Crows start falling out of the sky.
Abruptly the gun is gone, and I'm in the big glass box with Tobias and my other friends gathered around on the other side laughing and carrying on. Simulation Tobias walks over to me and tells me to look down. When I do, the water is already covering my feet. I take a few deep breathes calming myself then think, "The glass is ice, the glass is ice, the glass is ice," and press my hands and feet firmly against the glass wall, and the glass shatters. Then everything goes dark.
All of a sudden I can't move. I look around, adjusting my eyes to the bright sunny day, and see that I'm tied to a stake in the middle of a log pile. Peter and many Dauntless members are in front of me. Peter has a merciless smile on his smug face. He saunters over to me and slowly lowers the torch to the wood under my feet, and my heart starts to race. I struggle with my bindings to no avail. I'm still tied in a fire. I look down at my feet and see the flames climbing closer to my flesh. Finally I feel the pain of flames on my feet, and I scream.
"Do you smell that, Stiff?" Peter says hatefully. "That's the smell of burning flesh." I take two deep breathes to steady my racing heart.
"No, I only smell rain," I say as a drop hits me on my forehead and slowly slides down my face. Then the sky opens up and rain pours down, dousing the flames.
Once again I'm standing in the dark. Soon my eyes adjust, and I see I'm in my bedroom at Abnegation. Damn Peter, Drew, and Al for kidnapping me, I think. I close my eyes and take two deep breathes. When I slowly open my eyes I see the creepy man from the aptitude test and two faceless men at my window. I back up until I run into the closet doors then I slide them open and feel around for the gun. When the feel of cold steel registers, I wrap my fingers around the grip and fire at each of the men in succession hitting them in the forehead. The room goes dark.
My heart rate begins to slow as I'm standing in darkness. Then I feel the barrel of the gun touch my left temple and the feel of cold steel in my right hand. My heart rate picks up double time. I hear Jeanine Matthews' voice in my ear telling me to kill him or be killed when a spotlight rains down on Tobias who is tied to a chair, struggling. No, I can't lose him, I love him.
"I love you, Tobias," I say as I turn the gun in my hand on myself and pull the trigger. When the pain of the gunshot subsides I find myself sitting on the couch in my living room cuddled up next to Tobias. He has his arm around me and is absentmindedly playing with my hair. Both of our attention is 100% focused on the floor in front of us where a 6-month-old little girl with black curls and light blue eyes is sitting. My heart swells at the site of her. She looks so much like Tobias. We are watching her play with the blocks that are scattered all around her when suddenly the door bursts open, and Evelyn and a faceless man marches in with two armed Dauntless guards. Tobias and I immediately spring up off the couch, and I grab my daughter up into my arms.
"What is going on here," Tobias says, addressing the security guards in his fierce Four voice. "You don't just barge into our home. We are your leaders."
"I'm sorry, Four, but we have papers authorizing this couple to take the girl," one of the guards says.
"You can't take my daughter," I shriek.
"She is my daughter," Evelyn says.
"You gave her to us to raise," Tobias says, taking the papers from the guard. He reads them over as terror spreads through my veins. No one is taking my baby. I won't allow it. Tobias turns to me with such sadness in his eyes. "Tris, they have a court order to take her. We'll fight this but right now we have to give her to them."
"No," I scream at the top of my lungs causing my perfect baby to jump in my arms then cry. I hold her tight, lovingly shushing her, telling her Mommy is so sorry. "You can't have my baby." Tears spill down my cheeks as the guards come closer to me. Tobias steps between them and me.
"Tris, love, you have to give her to them. It's the law. If you don't they can arrest us, and we will never get her back. I promise we will fight and bring her home. I won't let them get away with this," he says to me. Evelyn steps forward, and I reluctantly place my angel in her arms. Tobias holds me back as they leave with our daughter, and I collapse under the weight of her sudden departure.
Suddenly I find myself looking at the Dauntless painting on the back wall of the fear landscape room. I'm in a crumpled ball on the floor, tears rolling down my cheeks. Tobias runs to my side and pulls me into his arms. I cling to him as I cry. When I look up at him, I see tears in his eyes as well. Of all the fears I've had since Evelyn talked to Tobias about adopting his sister, this thought never once entered my mind. The idea of her taking the child back never once registered with me but I know one thing, I couldn't live through the pain.
"Are you alright, Tris?" he says, his voice unsteady. I know he was watching what I went through in the simulation. I wonder if he had ever thought of this fear either.
"I'm not sure, Tobias," I say my voice uneven. "She was so lovely, wasn't she? Evelyn really couldn't just take her away like that could she?" I don't even know what it is I'm saying at the moment. "I could feel how much I loved her. It was like I ripped my own heart out when I put her in Evelyn's arms. I couldn't go through that. I just..." The words are cut off by uncontrollable sobs racking my body. I can't control myself in this moment. He holds me tight, whispering words of love in my ear the entire time.