Murchison was sitting back in the armchair, staring at the silent man on the sofa. He'd taken his time brewing a fresh pot of coffee, allowing Mike to reflect on what they'd discussed, what he hoped was a breach in the wall of guilt that the detective had built around himself since his return from Kentucky. "How are you feeling?" he asked conversationally, and watched as the wary blue eyes snapped up, full of fire. They softened quickly and their owner looked down, snorting lightly.
"You can be a sonofabitch sometimes, you know that, right?" he said with a chuckle and a shake of his head.
"True," the psychiatrist agreed, nodding, "but it comes in handy, wouldn't you say?" He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, cradling his mug in both hands. "Look, Mike, what you went through in Kentucky, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but you and Steve, you both survived it. You're home and you're recovering. Now, I know it sounds trite and even facetious for people to say, 'You're home, you're going to be okay, get over it and get back to work.' But they mean well and you know that, right?"
Almost reluctantly, the other man nodded, looking away.
"Well, the problem with that is, they don't know what you and Steve went through, and they never can and they never will. And I don't expect either of you to tell them because, well, frankly, they won't understand, even if they are cops. For god's sake, I don't understand - and I never will - because I didn't live through it like you two did." He paused and stared into the older man's startlingly blue eyes.
"All is know is, you're too strong and too valuable to let this beat you. And I know for a fact that it won't… you won't let it. Am I right?"
Looking down, Mike dropped his forehead onto his left hand then through his hair. He sighed. "I hope you're right, Lenny, I hope you're right. But I just don't know…"
With a small smile, the psychiatrist sat back. "Well, maybe you don't, but I do. I'm not expecting a miracle here, you're not going to walk away from this, ah… talk we're having completely back to normal. It's gonna take time. For both of you, I'm pretty sure. But like the old axiom says, time gives you perspective and it does heal, as you well know. I find it constantly amazing how resilient people can be. Give it some time, and have patience with yourself, and I'm confident you're going to be just fine." His smile was encouraging. "Do you believe me?"
Mike took a deep breath, staring at the psychiatrist evenly. "I want to."
Murchison nodded curtly. "That's good enough for me. So," he leaned forward and put his cup on the floor, "what else is bothering you? What is it you still can't get past?" He knew that the older man was disarmed and at his most vulnerable right now, and it wouldn't be difficult for him to open up even more.
Mike's sigh was resigned. He was hoping that the psychiatrist really was right about his future, but he also knew he couldn't go forward without confronting the uncertainties that were preventing that at the moment. Maybe giving voice to them was the best way to overcome them.
The younger man waited patiently. Finally, Mike leaned back and wrapped his left arm across his chest, holding his right upper arm. He looked down. "The shots…"
"Shots…?" Murchison frowned, cocking his head.
Mike nodded. "When I was, ah, under the tree… I wasn't sure how long it'd been since they'd left me. I'm pretty sure I was drifting in and out… It was raining… it was…" He paused. "The dogs – I heard the dogs. They came so close… They stopped barking… I could hear them panting, sniffing; I could hear men yelling at each other. I knew it was only a matter of time till they found me... But they didn't… The dogs started howling again and they headed away from me… I couldn't believe it. But I knew they were going after Steve and Donny Lee, that they weren't going to stop till they found them…
"I was lying there, trying to hear anything, hoping I'd hear nothing. I don't know how long it was, but the howling had faded away… And that's when I heard the shot…" Mike swallowed heavily. "I didn't know how far away it was, or exactly where it came from… all I could think of was, they found them… they found Steve and Donny Lee…" He took a deep unsteady breath. "But there was only one shot and I thought, wait a minute, one shot?... Steve has his gun and mine… maybe… just maybe…" He closed his eyes. "Then I heard the second one… and I knew… I knew they were dead, both of them… only the sound a rifle shot could travel that far…" His voice had faded to a whisper, then disappeared. His eyes were suddenly bright and he blinked quickly several times.
Murchison leaned forward and laid a hand on the older man's knee in support and comfort. He waited, staring at the downturned face, patiently waiting.
The strong deep breaths eventually subsiding, Murchison offered gently, "But Steve didn't die, did he? He's still with you, isn't he?" He waited for his words to sink in. Finally Mike nodded. "How long did you think he was dead?"
A shrug and a head shake. "Until I woke up in the hospital… a day and a half maybe? But I wasn't awake most of that time…" His faraway gaze started to coalesce. "I think I'd given up…"
"Why?" Murchison asked softly.
Mike swallowed heavily again and closed his eyes. "Because I'd let him down. I should have been with him… I should have died with him… instead of hiding…"
"Is that what you think?" the psychiatrist almost snapped, not quite believing what he had heard. "You were hiding?" Mike dropped his gaze even more. "Michael, you'd been shot, you couldn't have kept up with them if you tried with all your might, and you know that." He paused and regrouped. "And they hadn't been shot, at least not then, you know that now."
The psychiatrist increased the pressure of his hand on the older man's knee. "You didn't let anybody down, Mike, least of all Steve. And he'd be the first to tell you that, wouldn't he?" When there was no response, he asked again, more forcefully, "Wouldn't he?"
Slowly the blue eyes lifted and looked at him. Mike nodded.
"I'm pretty sure he was as scared and worried about you as you were about him. And I bet when he heard those same shots, he thought it was you." Murchison leaned back, relaxing enough to cross his legs, resting his hands on the arms of the chair. He knew exactly what he had to do.
"Mike," he began quietly, "you're caught in what I call the 'if only' spiral, reliving things you can't possibly change, as if brooding over them will somehow rewrite history. It's never worked before and it's not going to work now, or ever, for that matter.
"As tragic as things turned out in Kentucky, you and Steve are home, you're going to be all right and, as much as you might wish it, nothing is going to change what happened, no matter how much you blame yourself for things you had no control over. And, to be perfectly frank, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you're going to be the Mike Stone everybody knows and cares about again."
The psychiatrist, watching his patient closely, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, studying the expressionless, downturned face.
"It's not going to be easy and it will take time but, well, because of your physical situation, time is what you have, thank goodness. Now, what I think is, you and Steve need to get together - but not necessarily to, you know, talk. I just think you need each others' company right now, to get your lives back on track."
Mike's brows had knit when Murchison mentioned talking to Steve then softened at the suggestion it not be a formal therapy session. He knew he couldn't take that right now.
The psychiatrist smiled. "Trouble is, we have to get you guys on the same sleep cycle," he chuckled gently and was rewarded when the corners of Mike's mouth turned up slightly. He glanced at his watch. "Look, ah, we've been up for a long time now, and it's almost three in the morning. But I don't want you sleeping till noon or we'll never get back in sync. Why don't you lie down for a couple of hours, try to sleep if you can… I'll take a nap on the couch here, and in the morning I'll give Rudy a call and see what's up over there. How does that sound?"
Staring at the carpet, Mike nodded. As Murchison got to his feet, Mike looked up. When he didn't say anything at first, the doctor just stood patiently, waiting. Clearing his throat quickly, the older man said quietly, "You've given me a lot to think about, Lenny. Thank you. You know, ah, you could have a pretty good career as a shrink, you know that?"
The psychiatrist grinned. "Why, thank you, Mike. I'll have to look into that." He held out his left hand and helped to carefully and slowly pull the older man to his feet.
# # # # #
"He was unconscious when they pulled him out of the back of the truck… I thought he was dead… he looked dead… I couldn't breathe, I froze… it wasn't happening, but it was… and it was my fault…" Steve held up a hand before Olsen could interrupt him and the older man closed his mouth. "At that moment, it was my fault, and I wouldn't've cared what anybody said to me… Mike was dead and it was my fault."
The green eyes were bright but there were no tears. The pain was too deep for tears.
"Rudy, I'm never going to get that image out of my head… ever… Mike lying on the ground, in the dirt, not moving… I couldn't see him breathing…" Steve closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face, heeling his eyes, then stared down into nothing. "I'll never forget that, or when I walked away from him lying under the tree…" Despite his overwhelming guilt and heartache, a slight smile appeared. "He was smiling at me, Rudy… and there was so much love –" He choked, with a strangled sob, and his hand moved quickly to cover his mouth.
Leaning forward slightly, Olsen said quietly, "That's because he loves you."
Steve began to nod slowly, his hand still over his mouth, his gaze still far away. "And I love him too," he said in a whisper, his voice unsteady, and drew in a deep ragged breath.
Olsen let the silence lengthen, then shifted his weight to the edge of the chair and put his hand once more on Steve's knee. "You know, I think you two need to spend some time in with each other, don't you?" he asked gently.
The hand came away from the younger man's face and the gentle smile returned. He nodded. "Yeah… yeah…"
Smiling as well, the captain glanced at his watch. "Look, Steve, it's almost four a.m. …" When the tousle-haired head came up, brow furrowed, he grinned, "Can you believe it – we've talked almost all night?" He chuckled. "So, how 'about we both try to catch some z's and in the morning, I'll give Lenny a call and see if we can get you and Mike together? Is that a plan, do you think?"
Steve had begun to nod slowly, staring at his boss with unabashed appreciation. "Yeah, I like the sound of that… Rudy, ah, I don't know where to begin to –"
With a laugh, the older man got to his feet. "If you're trying to thank me for just sitting here listening to you all night, forget it. It felt good to be of use to someone like this again. Being behind a desk all the time now, I lose track of how hard it is in the field sometimes. This has been as good for me as I hope it's been for you." He held out a hand to help pull the younger man to his feet.
"Now, let's get you back upstairs and I'll grab a couple of hours on the couch here," he nodded at the sofa, "then we'll figure out what we're gonna do for breakfast – I don't dare call Marie again," he chuckled. "And then we'll see what the day holds, shall we?"
"Look, Rudy, you don't have to sleep down here –"
"Are you kidding? This is a hell of a lot comfier than the one I have at home. I may have to look into getting a new sofa…" He looked up into Steve's smiling face, pleased to see the young man looking a little more like the exceptional and popular inspector he had come to know and respect over the past few years. And not for the first time he envied Mike the deep, seemingly unbreakable bond that they shared.
As Olsen picked up the crutches and handed them over, Steve chuckled, "You know, Lenny better start walking around with one eye over his shoulder. You could give him a run for his money in the shrink department."
"You think so?" Olsen grinned with a chuckle of his own. "Hmmm, I may have to give that some thought!" His laughter filled the room as he accompanied Steve towards the stairs.