Chapter 6: Talking Capabilities

CPOV

It's Tuesday. Two whole days since the disaster with Ana. Two whole days since I've slept and two whole days since I've smiled. I've had subs terminate contracts with me but I never felt like this. Every time I picture the look on her face when I told her it's like my guts twist and twist over again. She won't answer my calls or return my voice mails. I don't blame her. Why would she want to be with a monster like me when she truly is so pure?

"So, Christian. Tell me how you are doing?" Flynn is looking at me, reading my face with his note pad ready. He knows I'm not good. He knows me well.

"Well, John. I'm horrible. That's how I am." My guts are twisting tighter and tighter.

"I take it the date with Anastasia on Saturday didn't go well?"

"I think that's an understatement. The only way it could have gone worse was if she figured out I was a monster and shot me with a silver bullet." I'm twisting my hands in my hair now. I need to do something and this little bit of pain helps to take away the horrible way I am feeling elsewhere.

"Christian, I do think you're being a bit melodramatic. And, you aren't a monster. We've discussed this many times over the years. Tell me what happened."

"I, how did you put it? 'Woo'd' her. I sent her flowers and chocolates, and first editions of a Tom Hardy novel. She has her degree in English Literature."

"I see, you have something in common as you both like to read literature. How did she react?"

"She sent the books back. And, I don't know why. I thought she would like them. Who wouldn't love to have first editions of a book from their favorite author?" This has confused me since then and I still don't get it.

"Christian, do you know what Ana's upbringing was like?" What does this have to do with anything?

"She's from Montesano. Her father died when she was an infant so the man who was her step-father at the time adopted her. When she was six her mom left the step-dad and signed full custody over to him. Apparently since then her mother has hopped from relationship to relationship. She got into University of Washington on an academic scholarship. Her best friend and roommate comes from a wealthy family and lets Ana live there for a fraction of what the rent would be." While the fact that her mother would rather be with men instead of her own daughter angers me I am comforted by the fact that she seems to have people who love her in her life.

"Did she tell you all that?" I think I know where he's going with this.

"No. I did a background check on her like I do with all of my subs. She did talk about Ray, her step-father a lot during dinner. She really loves him." I remember the way her eyes sparkled as she spoke about him.

"Christian, it sounds like you and Ana come from different socio-economic families. She probably doesn't understand what it's like to have extra money to spend on things you like, most people don't. So, Ana didn't volunteer any of the other information to you? And, is she a sub?" Yup, I knew it. This really pisses me off. He doesn't have to hit me over the head with a hammer.

"No and no. But you know that." Flynn looks up at me and smirks. Sometimes he can be such a smug bastard.

"So, tell me. How was the date?" He is furiously writing notes. He should just get an iPad or something it would be a lot more efficient.

"It was actually going really well. We had a great dinner, we talked and we laughed." I have a sad smile as I think about how good it was before it went so, so bad.

"What happened to make it turn around?"

"Elena came by." I still am not 100% sure why she stopped by. She denied any malicious intent when I called her to rip her a new one on Sunday.

"That's interesting. What did Elena want? She normally doesn't just stop over, especially on a weekend does she?" Where is Flynn trying to go with this?

"No, not usually. She said she had an important business matter she needed to discuss with me."

"Which was?" His one eyebrow is cocked up as he pries me for information.

"I don't know. I had a phone call from Ros that I had to take. When I came back Elena said she had to leave and that's when Ana freaked out on me. I don't even know what her and Elena talked about. Well, I know but I don't know the details." Everything went downhill so fast. If I hadn't taken that call this all would have never happened.

"So, if Elena didn't need to speak to you so urgently, why do you think she just stopped by for a visit and quickly left?" That's the $64,000 question.

"I don't know…"

"But?"

"But I have my suspicions." I have had this rattling around in my head for days now.

"Christian, you know what I am going to ask. What are your suspicions?" I can tell Flynn is getting frustrated and it actually makes me feel a little better.

"Well, I haven't had a sub in a little while and Elena usually arranges them for me and finds the women. She had hinted around a couple of times about me taking her into my playroom to release my tension."

"How do you feel about that?" Flynn is still furiously writing notes. He must use shorthand or something.

"Grossed out. I don't know. When I was younger I thought she was so hot and the sex was so great. But now the thought of that makes me want to puke. I'm actually kind of embarrassed that I had sex with her for all those years. Although, she is the one who stopped me from fighting and drinking so I really owe her a lot." She saved my life. If it wasn't for her I would probably be dead is some crack house or something.

"OK. We'll get to the other statement later. Tell me, what did Elena say to Ana that upset her? Do you know?"

"I don't know exactly but I think Elena thought Ana was a new sub of mine. After all, Anastasia is my type." She's better than my type. I have never seen a woman as stunningly beautiful as her.

"You think Elena talked to Ana about being your submissive?"

"She must have because when she left Ana asked me what a submissive was and what an NDA was." That still pisses me off that Elena took it upon herself to just tell Ana like that.

"So, after you told Ana about submissives and NDA's, what did you do?

"I showed her the playroom and told her I want her to be my submissive."

"Why did you show her your playroom? Why didn't you just tell her what Elena was talking about?"

"I had no choice. I figured now that she knows I might as well show her who I really am." I shrug. I guess it's like ripping off the band-aid.

"And who are you?" That's what he asks me? He's been my therapist for years and he asks me that?

"According to Ana I'm someone who gets off on hitting women." Those words still sting. It makes it all seem so… wrong.

"So, she wasn't receptive to your lifestyle and the part you want her to play in it?" That's quite an understatement.

"Well, if you consider her freaking out, leaving, and not returning my calls for two days as not receptive; then you are correct."

"Christian, a Dominant/submissive relationship is between two consenting adults. She doesn't have to participate if she doesn't want that. So why do you think she got so freaked out?"

"I didn't know this at the time but Ana is a virgin. I basically told a pure and beautiful virgin that I want to take her into my playroom, hit her, and fuck her in various ways she never could imagine."

"Yes. I can see how learning about the BDSM lifestyle can be shocking to someone who has never experienced sex. But let me ask you this, Christian. Now that you know she is not interested in being a submissive is your relationship or potential relationship with her over?" I don't want to think about this. Why was it so much easier before?

"I don't want it to be. I think about her all the time. I think about her laugh and it makes me smile. I want to protect her, be the one who makes her laugh, and be the one who she comes to for support." I have no idea where this is coming from. I have never felt this way before.

"Are those traits of a Dominant?" Good question, doc. I provided for the women but they are not like Ana.

"No, not really. And I had a dream about her. A dream I have never had before."

"Tell me about this dream, Christian."

"Anastasia and I come back to Escala after a date. We make love in my bed and then we go to sleep together. Like a normal couple." But I can't be in a normal couple. I am not normal. I can't do those things.

"Christian, it sounds like you are thinking of Ana differently from how you thought about your previous submissives. It sounds like you want to have a loving relationship with her." Loving? There is nothing loving about me.

"I don't do those things. I am incapable. And even if I was I completely ruined my chances with her." The thought of life without Ana is so bleak and dark. She's the first spring day after a long and cold winter.

"Christian. You are capable of those things. You just have to go about them differently which will require you to make some serious changes within yourself and in your life. Is that something you are ready to do?" Flynn thinks I'm capable. Maybe I could be.

"If I have to change and do that to be with Ana then I will do anything. I would move heaven and earth for her. But I don't know how. I have no clue what to do here." I'm shocked at the words coming out of my mouth. I used to be the only one mattered in my life until I met Anastasia a few weeks ago.

Flynn puts his pad down and smiles at me. "Christian, honestly, no one really knows what to do when it comes to love. Love is different for everyone and very often unexpected. But one thing is for sure; for you to be able to give and receive love you need to give up some control. Your scenes in the playroom are always mapped out. Are they not?"

"Yes." I'm not really sure what he's getting at here.

"Love is not like that. Love is chaos and pain and pure joy. In a second it can turn your life upside down. But in the end all of that chaos and emotions are worth it." Flynn smiles and looks like he is thinking of something. That's probably how he is with Rhian. I mean the guy moved to another country for that woman.

"So what do I do now? What do I do to be in a relationship like that with Ana?" One day I would like to look back at happy memories of Ana and me.

"You have to give up control. You have to be willing to change for her. You have to talk to her and be honest. And, you have to take the relationship at Ana's speed, not yours."

"So basically I have to let Ana run the show but it will be worth it because then I'll get to be with her?" I think I may be able to do that. I worked my ass off to be a billionaire before the age of 30.

"Yes."

"OK, thanks John." I get up to walk out the door. I didn't realize how long I have been in there.

"Oh, and Christian?"

"Yes?" What did I forget?

"Good luck." With that I smile at him, walk out the door, and put in a plan to get Anastasia back. I'm going to do this or I'm going to go down trying.