The Long And Winding Road

Notes: Thanks to YellyBelly (who doesn't sound like a broken record to me), cutiepye06655 and amricangrl for the recent reviews and encouragement.

Chapter 21 -- Reflections

It was the middle of Sunday. Emma sat at JT's kitchen table stacking several sheets of paper together. She placed the stack down on the table and went to the refrigerator, grabbed a bottle of water then returned to her chair.

It shouldn't take JT much time to fix up this English paper before tomorrow. He really knows how to put his ideas down on the page; he just needs to fix some misspellings. I swear I think he comes up with so many peculiar ways to misspell words that his computer's spellcheck now just gives up and lets everything pass, right or wrong.

This house seems so quiet when he's not here. Figures he would offer to fix us a big salad for lunch and not realize he's missing a few key ingredients – like lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, carrots and salad dressing. I offered to go with him to the store, but he said I should just stay here and relax for awhile. He's no doubt trying to make up for disrupting my sleep this morning, as well he should.

Before he left, I tried to explain how to pick a good tomato, but he said one tomato is like another. Then he added that if it became too much trouble he'd save time and buy a new bottle of ketchup instead, which he said would give us all the "tomatoey goodness" we'd need. I frowned at him, hoping he wouldn't notice that I was trying not to give in and laugh at his joking around.

Needless to say JT doesn't like spending too much time grocery shopping. Unless it's for snacks. In that case, he becomes very particular about which chips are the best, which brands of frozen pizza to avoid and which cold drinks to buy. I regularly make sure he remembers to pick up some juice and fruit and other healthy items. He groans and agrees, with the warning that he's only doing it so there will always be things I like available when I'm here. He says that but he eats it all anyway. I'd like to think that's at least in part the result of my influence on him over the years. He likes to act silly about things, but he knows what's good for him.

I know his mom would be proud of how he's doing. School, work, his friendships, us. He even takes care of things around here. He still has one closet that's jam-packed with all the stuff he doesn't want to throw away. I'm sure if you looked deep enough in there, you'd find the bones of Jimmy Hoffa.

But the rest of the house, including his bedroom, is actually organized. He even runs a vacuum through the house every now and then, though I did have to show him how to work it the first time back in the Spring. He thought if he just plugged it in and turned it on, it would move around by itself. When he found out he actually had to push it around the room, he was less than pleased, but he did it anyway. Within minutes, he had gotten himself all tangled up in the extension cord and I couldn't help laughing, but then he just started acting like we were in a movie, that I was holding him prisoner and had tied him up.

JT can find humor in just about every situation. But he does have a serious side, a side the people closest in his life get to see. For instance, he and I tease each other about everything, but there are times when he'll stop for a moment and double-check that he hasn't gone too far and said something as a joke that might really annoy or upset me. He never goes too far, but it's sweet that he wants to make sure.

I'm so concerned about this thing with his dad. Part of me is glad that Nathaniel Yorke now plans to stay away from here after next week. Less reasons for JT to feel stressed. And JT certainly never doubts himself any other time. Only when he's thinking about or talking to his father. This whole business about not having a good enough job or a good enough life is bad enough. But then to have your own father tell you that – given the choice – he would have never had a kid…How is JT supposed to respond when he hears something like that? JT being JT, he won't bring himself to lash out.

I think that's one of the main differences between the two of us. Yeah, we have different food preferences and different interests, but that's relatively minor. Our big difference is that he will take in the bad stuff and either try to let it go or try to find a way to put a humorous spin on it. Me? I like to bulldoze my way through a bad situation or shout down a troublemaker. JT prefers to deal using one-liners, while I make speeches. So if I was in JT's shoes, I'd tell that man to back off, then I'd have a lot to say and he would have to listen because I wouldn't get out of his face until he did.

I've never known how to keep from saying what I think at the exact moment when I think it. No holding back. In a way, what makes JT and I such a good team – well, one of the many ways – is that I encourage him to speak up more when something's bothering him, to not hold back so much. And he tries to get me to, not so much hold back, but remain open to hearing the other side of a situation before getting myself in too deep. And if all else fails, he reminds me to breathe when I'm in the midst of a tirade.

Of course there was one time when I really did go too far, and it almost cost me big. I had the best of intentions. I always do. But it didn't go the way I planned. About a year and a half ago, summer was near and we were finishing up our last days in Grade 10 before the break. My friendship with JT had always been good, but it was during Grade 10 that we'd really started getting closer and spending a lot of time together.

It made sense. Chris was history. Manny was Manny, so I wasn't speaking to her unless it was absolutely necessary. Toby had become less and less a part of JT's life. The two of us had years of friendship and were now bonding more and more. We were also the only two still keeping to the Saturday movie plan that JT had initiated for the four of us.

But one Monday afternoon after the last class of the day, JT and Manny approached me at my locker. They shared with me what was to them happy news. They were getting back together. Okay, as much as I start going into monologue mode when something angers me, for once I was so caught off-guard that I was momentarily speechless.

What was JT thinking? They'd tried two other times to be a couple and both times Manny dropped him – the first time to return to Craig, the second time to date two soccer players, neither of whom knew she was dating the other. And let's not get into her indifference to JT most of the time when they WERE together. Her indifference made me think that not only was she a slut, but she was also a complete moron. Manny joked about how, for her and JT, the third time's the charm. JT laughed at her comment, but I had to mentally restrain myself from smacking her in the face.

I then took JT aside, asking Manny to excuse us for a moment. (Boy, did I hate being polite to her, but I had to talk to JT privately.) The two of us went around the corner. I proceeded to ask him if he'd given leave of all common sense. What could he expect to gain by getting mixed up with that girl again?

JT was surprised. I think he'd hoped that, as the person who'd by now become his best friend, I'd be happy for him. I know he thought that not only could he make it work this time, but he would also be helping to restore Manny's reputation. But I wasn't having any of it. With my voice raised and various students looking on as though we were rehearsing Degrassi's latest one-act play, I told him all the things that were wrong about Manny, then reminded him of the hurt she'd caused him in the past. I even threw in a few "hells" and "damns" for emphasis, which seemed to shock him most of all, since I don't think he'd ever heard me use those words. And though I don't normally use them, I was really trying to get him to see how serious this situation was.

He joked that they weren't getting married so I didn't need to object as though I was trying to stop a wedding. I told him to shut up and take this seriously because he was about to screw up his life. He said this was what he wanted and he knew what he was doing. He said that I needed to get used to the idea and be happy that he was happy.

Then I yelled back that if he was determined to ignore my help, then he could just go right ahead and let Manny treat him like a pathetic fool, but I wasn't going to stand by and support him. He asked what that was supposed to mean, and I told him that if he was going to get involved with Manny again, then I didn't want to waste my time and friendship on him anymore. I told him to consider me a stranger. Then I turned my back on him and went back around the corner. I slammed my locker shut and warned Manny not to say one word to me. I walked toward the school's front exit and out the door.

The next day at school, he tried to talk to me, but I ignored him, not saying a word. He looked confused, but left me alone. We didn't speak to each other for the rest of the school week.

It was very strange. You don't realize how much a part of your life someone is until they aren't there. No new joke each day. Not that his jokes are all winners. Many are horrible. But the way he tells them can't help but put a smile on your face. No sharing with him the plans for my next petition. He would usually kid me about most of my causes, but he listened anyway and, joking aside, always took me seriously. No asking me to double-check a paper for errors. No lunchtime food debates. No JT.

That Saturday, I decided enough was enough. I got to the theater that afternoon a little early. I apologized and promised that I wouldn't interfere with his relationship. He was gracious, as I should have expected, and didn't make me grovel. I kind of pressed my luck by next telling him that I still wouldn't apologize to Manny for what I said about her, but he just laughed and said he hadn't expected me to. I asked why he didn't seem surprised that I had shown up that afternoon. He said he knew it would all work itself out and that I wouldn't NOT show up for our Saturday afternoon movie get-together. If it had been anyone else, I'd accuse him of overconfidence, but JT was right. We couldn't NOT be friends, so any fights we have aren't going to last.

I can hold a grudge, certainly longer than JT can. Just ask Manny. The only time JT's ever gotten really mad at me, it didn't last a full day. But this had been different. This case of avoiding him for a week, it wasn't really Manny I was so angry with this time, but JT. Looking back, I think maybe a part of me had already started to fall for him. Perhaps some part of me was mad not so much that he'd gotten together with her again but because it wasn't with me. But getting mad about their relationship still wasn't worth pushing him out of my life, even for a week.

Anyway, following the movies that day, we went and got a pizza and talked for hours, joking and catching up on everything we probably would have said during that entire week had I not given him the silent treatment. As it got close to midnight, JT suddenly realized that he was supposed to pick up Manny at 7:30 that evening for a date. She gave him an earful the next day for forgetting, and I had to summon all my strength not to have a big grin on my face at the thought of her, for once, not getting her way with a guy.

But Manny's anger passed quickly enough and they continued dating until midway through the summer. At that point, she seemed to get bored and returned once more to Craig. A month later she learned she was pregnant and two months after that, she had the miscarriage. I did not even consider saying "I told you so" to JT, and though I knew it was in his best interests not to be with her, I was still sorry she had treated him like garbage yet again.

By the time of Manny's miscarriage, I'd already tried dating a couple of people. Neither situation lasted more than a few weeks. Then JT started dating Melanie in January of this year. I knew right from the start that she was all wrong for him. But since I'd already made a fuss about him and Manny, I held my tongue and tried to be supportive until JT realized exactly the kind of person she was and broke it off on the day of the funeral, defending me against her insults in the process. It was on that otherwise very sad day that I knew I was in love with him, even if it still took several more months to admit it out loud.

Emma got up and left the kitchen, walking toward JT's bedroom.

I haven't been in this room in awhile. Technically this is an invasion of privacy, but I don't think he'll mind too much.

She looked at the pictures on his desk, first the one of his mother, then the one of JT and Emma together.

I love this shot of us. I'm so glad Craig made two of these, one for me and one for JT. What a fun day that was this summer. JT and I were babysitting Jack, and Craig was looking after Angela, so the three of us decided to take the kids out to the park and we had a picnic lunch. JT and I were laughing about something or other and didn't even realize Craig was taking our picture until after the fact.

Oh, here's another picture, this one of me and Manny, with JT in the middle. I think his mom took this one of us back in Grade 6. He hasn't had this picture out in a long time. I guess he felt okay about putting it back now that Manny and I are getting along again somewhat. Us getting along. That's another situation where JT was confident things would work themselves out, even when the rest of us were sure he was wrong. I still have my doubts about her, but we are friendlier these days than we had been in a long time.

Emma went over and sat on JT's bed, looking toward the small bedside table holding an alarm clock and another framed picture.

Since JT mentioned the other night he had my picture by his bed, I've been curious which picture it was. It's my school picture from last year. I didn't think they had turned out so well. It wouldn't surprise me if the low-budget photographer Mr. Raditch hired intentionally waited until the exact moment I wasn't ready to snap the photos. At least I wasn't blinking or making a strange face, but I also wasn't looking directly at the camera. Naturally, when I didn't want to show JT how they turned out, he was all the more demanding to see them, at which point he mocked me for worrying because he thought they had turned out just fine.

To my surprise, he asked for a copy. I asked for one of his pictures as well. At first he didn't want to give me one until he had, in his opinion, improved his picture by drawing a Lone Ranger mask over his eyes, horns on his head and a goatee on his chin. Despite his protests, I made him give me one without any of his so-called corrections. Despite joking around as though he has a super ego, I don't think he knows how attractive he is. Not movie star attractive. He has a real and unpretentious look, with eyes that can see into who you are and what you're thinking, and a grin that even today still makes him look like a little boy who's always up to something that will prove to be both exasperating and endearing.

Okay, it's now a fact. I'm pathetic. JT's only been gone a few minutes and I'm wishing he'd hurry back. But if he asks, I'll blame my impatience on being hungry for lunch. Not that he'll believe me, but at least he'll humor me. To think it took us until last month before we could admit out loud that we were much more than friends. Smart but slow, that's us.

Meanwhile, JT was driving home from the supermarket, a bag of groceries in the seat beside him.

Okay, so the only things I didn't have at home in order to make a salad were, well, everything but the bowl. I told Emma it was a minor technicality. I'm sure she bought it – once she stopped laughing. But that's okay. She's been a good sport today, considering I woke her up early and kidded her about her lack of jogging endurance.

At least as long as she's getting a laugh at my expense, she's not obsessing over that "Animals and Music" presentation she's giving tomorrow. She's had it finished for days, and she'll get a high grade as always, but she'll still worry about it until it's all over.

If it's like every other time right before a big presentation, she'll call me up late tonight, probably after I've just fallen asleep, to ask once more if I think she's ready for the next day. I'll say "of course", she'll thank me and then hang up.

Then within 10 minutes, she'll call again asking if I'm really sure or if I'm only saying that I'm sure just to make her feel better. I'll tell her that I'm really sure, she'll thank me and then hang up. Within another 10 minutes, she'll call a third time to say she knows that I'm right but "just to make sure", she'd like to read to me one more time what she's planning to say in front of the class. I'll agree, she'll go through everything one last time, thank me and then hang up. Then within the next minute she'll call back and thank me again, telling me I made her feel much more confident about what's she's going to do and that she can now sleep easily. She'll hang up and get some sleep while I'm now stuck awake awhile longer until I can finally fall back to sleep.

Sometimes I'll want to joke with her and threaten to take the phone off the hook whenever we start going through this routine, but I know she's not up for jokes at times like that so I don't even try to kid about not taking the next call. It's a process she thinks she needs to go through, so I'm glad I'm able to help. Groggy, but happy to help.

But there's one thing about when she has school worries that sets her apart from the other A-students. Take Liberty. She stresses about papers and presentations, too. But she's all about making sure she gets a high grade, if not the highest. On the rare times she doesn't, you'd think it was the end of the world. That's fine. And Emma wants a good grade, too. But Emma's concerns are more about wanting to put out there all the information she can in the most interesting way. Since she talks about issues that are important to her, she doesn't want to be inaccurate or unconvincing in giving her ideas. If she's made her case, but still gets a B instead of an A, she's okay with that. She has no idea how cool that makes her. To me, anyway.

Then again, maybe she DOES know. She seems to know everything, at least when it comes to me. I'd wanted to tell her that stuff my dad said about me, but I didn't want to burden her with it. It's just stuff I have to sort out in my own mind. But she knew why I thought I should quit. After all, he's got a successful career, so it makes sense that he would be right about what's a good job or a bad job, right? Naturally, Emma reminded me how I've always thought I had a great job until talking to him. So I'm not going to quit it just because he thinks it's a loser job meant for a loser.

I still couldn't just come right out and tell Emma the things he said about being a father, but I couldn't hold it back any longer either. So I tried to put it into the form of a joke. I could say it out loud, get a laugh, and no one would know that I was the joke. Smart as she is, she cut through all of that right away and said the things I needed to hear, especially the part about how she's not going to leave. Like he did. Like Manny did lots of times. Like my mother did, even though in her case it wasn't by choice.

The one not-bad thing that happened in the time right after Mother died was realizing, at Emma's house on the day of the funeral, that I was in love with Emma. That she had somehow become more than my best friend. I think I started feeling that way long before then, but on that day, I knew for sure. It wasn't just because she was helping me survive that day, but because at that moment, sitting outside on those steps with her, it just made sense. She made sense. I'm sure Emma could put it into words a lot better than I can.

Of course, stupid me needed several more months before I could actually tell her. But I had to make sure I wouldn't get burned again. Not that Emma would ever hurt me intentionally. That's not her way. Even that one time she stopped speaking to me for a few days, I knew it wouldn't last. But I finally told her a few weeks ago, and lucky for me the feeling was mutual.

JT reached his house and pulled up into the driveway. He walked straight into the kitchen and set the grocery bag down. He called out to Emma but got no response. He entered the living room but didn't find her, so he decided to look around.

He searched the obvious places. That is, obvious to JT – the hall closet, under the couch, a desk drawer. It finally hit him to look in his bedroom. He went in there and found Emma curled up asleep on his bed, holding the picture of the two of them at the park. He smiled.

Well, there have been lots of times I've thought what it would be like to have a girl in my bed. It wasn't exactly like this, with the girl alone and asleep. But then Emma's always been one of a kind. My angel. I would go over and kiss her, but I already woke her up once today and lived to tell about it. No way am I going to risk waking her up a second time. I'll fix that salad while I'm waiting.

And now I just realized that with her catching up on her sleep right now, she'll probably stay awake even later tonight, finding more reasons to worry about her presentation, which means more reasons to call me back real late, making me miss out on even more sleep. You're a cruel woman, Miss Nelson.

But worth it.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Okay, definitely.

In fact, I won't even kid her about how I now know she makes a slight snoring sound when she sleeps. Well, I won't tease her about it TODAY. After that, no guarantees. And she wouldn't want it any other way.

Next Chapter – The return of spoken dialogue! (But I hope you liked this chapter, since I had wanted to write one that focused on their thoughts.)