The Long And Winding Road
Note: Thanks to luvdegrassi12345, PsYcHoJo, Degrassidreamer, cutiepye06655, Kristine, Agel15, citysoundtrack & almost-never for the great feedback.
Chapter 31 -- Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Late Friday morning, JT and Emma arrived at the sanitarium in Stouffville.
"Here we are," JT said, parking the car. "Nervous?"
"Anxious," Emma replied. "But not nervous. You?"
"Well, they say a person never forgets his first time. I know they didn't mean 'first time in a mental institution' but I think it still fits. Not nervous, though."
"Good, because this is going to be nice."
"Emma, you think we'll hear a lot of people talking to themselves as we wander through the halls?"
"What do you care, JT? You talk to your Rice Krispies."
"Yeah, well that's different. Snap and Krackle are quite the conversationalists. Though Pop? Not so much."
They got out of the vehicle. Emma carried a sack in one hand.
"Think he'll like it?" Emma asked, holding up the sack.
"Since this is my first time to meet him, I think it's safe to say that you know him better than I do."
"Knitting has always had this calming effect on him."
"Then I'm sure he'll enjoy working with this new material you got for him."
"Maybe he'll make himself another blanket. Or a scarf."
"I gotta say, the building looks a lot fancier than I imagined," JT commented.
"I told you it was a nice enough place."
"True, but I still had this picture of it being this dark, run-down old manor where it rained all the time, but only over this one building, while the sun shined everywhere else."
"Now you know," Emma said, rolling her eyes. "They even have electricity and indoor plumbing, so rest easy."
"I knew they'd have electricity. Gotta be able to do electric shock treatment."
"Let's go already."
"Wait," JT said, reaching out and taking Emma's free hand. "You DO get why I haven't exactly been thrilled about coming here, right?"
"Aside from your uneasiness with the whole 'being inside a mental institution' thing? Yes, I get it. You're concerned about me and how upsetting these visits can be."
"Good. That said, I still should have come along the last two years when you invited me. Sorry I didn't. You shouldn't have had to come here on your own."
"It's okay, JT. You're here with me now, and that's what's important."
JT kissed the hand that he was already holding.
"I'm ready when you are, Emma."
"Then let's go."
They walked through the parking area and eventually made their way to the front door.
"Of course, it's still possible that there are a bunch of secret passageways and underground torture rooms hidden around here."
"That's enough of that," Emma said, trying not to laugh.
The couple went inside and walked over to the front desk.
"We're here to see Shane McKay," Emma told the woman standing behind the desk. "I'm his daughter, Emma Nelson. We're expected this morning."
"Oh, that's right," the woman said. She then walked out from behind the work area. "Miss Nelson, I'm Janet Pierson, one of the administrators. Could you come back to my office with me?"
"Certainly," Emma replied.
JT and Emma started to follow the woman.
"Actually, I think it would be better if I spoke with you in private, Miss Nelson."
"Hey!" JT complained.
"It's all right, JT. I'm sure she just wants to give me a quick update on Shane's condition before we see him. Probably also needs to check this bag, too, before I can give it to him."
"But Emma…"
"It'll be okay. I'll be right back." Emma then smiled and gave JT's hand a light squeeze before letting go. "Just wait around here and try to stay out of trouble." She winked at him and then followed Ms. Pierson into one of the hallways and the pair was soon out of sight.
"Just be careful, Emma," JT called out even though Emma was by now out of earshot. "If the woman pulls out a big net, yell and I'll come get you. Sheesh! So much for the buddy system."
As JT had been saying this, an older man wearing a white coat was walking through the lobby, having come from the opposite side of the building. He stopped to notice JT talking even though nobody else was with him.
"Excuse me, young man. Are you all right?"
JT turned around and faced the man.
"I'm fine. Why?"
"No reason. My name's Dr. Williamson."
"What's up, Doc? Ha! Sorry, I couldn't resist. I bet people use that line on you all the time."
"No. Actually, you would be the first."
"Oh," JT said, starting to feel slightly embarrassed.
"I heard you mention something about nets and a buddy system a moment ago. Who were you talking to?"
"Oh, I was just talking to Emma."
"Emma?" Williamson asked, noticing nobody else around them that JT could have been speaking to. "And who is Emma?"
"My girlfriend. We're just here visiting."
"I see. That's nice."
"I wasn't really sure about coming here. No offense. But then Emma convinced me that it would be a good thing to do. So here we are."
"Yes…Well, it's good that you listen to your…ahem…friend. How long has this…Emma…been a part of your life?"
"Practically my whole life. Wherever one of us goes, it seems like the other is never too far behind."
"That's very interesting. And this buddy system?"
"It might sound crazy…"
"Not around here. Don't be afraid to tell me, Mr…"
"Yorke."
"Do continue, Mr. Yorke."
"Well, I just thought Emma and I ought to stick close together for as long as we're in here. Better to be safe than sorry. Right?"
"I understand perfectly, Mr. Yorke."
The doctor then turned from looking at JT to the emptiness right beside JT.
"We're happy to have you here, Emma. Please make sure that Mr. Yorke knows there's nothing to be nervous about. We're all friends here."
"Huh?" JT asked looking confused.
"Don't feel embarrassed, Mr. Yorke. It's not uncommon for people to retain their childhood imaginary friends if they're feeling particularly stressed or insecure."
"What?! Emma's not imaginary, Doc. She's real. Very real."
"I'm sure it must seem that way. But you can be honest with me. Emma's not REALLY here with you, is she."
"Sure, not right now."
"That's so good to hear you say."
"But just a minute ago, she was right here next to me. She'll be back soon."
"Uh-uh. No backsliding. But still, you're making remarkable progress. At least you've stopped talking to thin air as though there was someone here with you."
"Oh! Is that what…? Believe me, Doc, there's a good explanation. You see, Emma had already gone off to one of the offices. I was only calling out to her. Then I just started thinking out loud."
"It's okay, Mr. Yorke. Rome wasn't built in a day, so it's hardly likely that you'll be able to give up this lifelong imaginary girlfriend after just a few moments with me."
"No, you don't understand. There really is an Emma. She'll be back any minute."
"This is all very good. Part of you knows she's a figment of your imagination and in order to remove this fantasy, you're making yourself believe she's left for a nearby location where she can't hear you. But another part of you is scared and still trying to hold onto this fictional creation, and thus your insistence that she will return at any moment."
"You're not making any sense. Look, Emma is a real person."
"One that you were speaking with even though she was nowhere in sight?"
"Okay, so it doesn't sound so good when you put it like that, but I'm telling you…"
"You know, I was going to do some reading for the next hour, but it's nothing urgent. Why don't we go into my office and get to know one another better. Perhaps set up some regular sessions. By the way, which room are you assigned to?"
"Wait a minute, Doc! I don't belong here."
"I know. Most of our patients don't belong here, but the stresses of day-to-day life have taken their toll. It's our job to see that you become psychologically and emotionally fit so that you can return to where you truly belong – the outside world. I AM surprised the nurses let you wander off from your room like this."
Williamson put his arm around JT's shoulders and started to walk toward a hallway leading to some offices.
"Get away from me," JT demanded, getting out of the older man's grasp.
"Be nice, Mr. Yorke. I wouldn't want to have to get some guards to escort you to my office. If it will help you, tell yourself that Emma will be there with you. Now let's move along."
"Mr. Williamson!" a voice suddenly called out from behind. They turned around to see a woman walking toward them.
"Ah, hello, Nurse Taylor," Williamson greeted. "Beautiful day, isn't it?"
"Mr. Williamson, what are you doing out of your room?"
"That's DOCTOR Williamson, Nurse. And I was just escorting this young man to my office for a therapy session. The poor guy has an invisible girlfriend."
"Mr. Williamson, stop bothering that man. What have we told you about pretending to be a doctor?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
Williamson then turned back toward JT and stared at his shirt.
"Oooh, buttons!" he said excitedly, pointing at JT's shirt. "Pretty."
The nurse took Williamson by the arm.
"Sorry if he bothered you, sir. I don't know how he got this far away from his room without anyone noticing. One moment he thinks he's a doctor; then, when someone reminds him that he isn't, he suddenly reverts to childhood. How he found the white coat is anyone's guess."
"It's…okay. I guess." JT was still confused over what happened, but relieved to have the crazy man away from him.
"Now come along, Mr. Williamson," the nurse said. "Let's try to find you some buttons."
The nurse then led Williamson away.
"I knew something would happen," JT said once he was alone. "These places are crazy. Okay, I guess that's the way they're supposed to be, but still…And now here I am talking to myself. Someone really will put me away if I'm not careful. Wait, if I'm having this much trouble, I can only imagine what's happening to Emma right now. I bet that Pierson woman is a fraud, too. She's probably not an administrator. For all I know, she's not even a woman. Yeah, I'd better go start checking all the rooms and see if I can find where she's taken Emma. Time for a rescue."
Before JT could go anywhere, he saw Emma coming back into the main lobby area, and she wasn't looking happy.
"Emma, I'm glad you're back. I was just getting ready to…"
"We're leaving," she said as she continued walking toward the door.
"But I thought…"
"Now!" she shouted while exiting the building.
Puzzled, JT followed her out the door. He saw Emma drop her bag of material into a trashcan and continue walking. JT picked the bag up out of the trash and went after her.
"Emma," JT began once he caught up to her, "what's going on?"
"We never should have come here, JT. It was a mistake. A big, stupid mistake. What is wrong with you? Why do you let me talk you into things? You knew this wasn't a good idea."
JT said nothing but just looked at her as she paced a small stretch of sidewalk in front of the building.
"Don't worry, JT. We're not going to see him. I spoke with Ms. Pierson and one of his doctors. He can't have visitors today. And I don't think we should come back here again. Too bad they didn't think to bother to call me this morning so we wouldn't have wasted a trip.
"Shane…almost killed a nurse this morning. That's right. The woman came in to check on him and something set him off and he charged at her with one of his knitting needles. He's slow enough that he didn't even come close to reaching her, and in a few moments some guards came and put him in restraints and gave him something to make him sleep. From now on they're going to have to up the dosage of medication they give him.
"Ms. Pierson said he gets agitated sometimes, which isn't anything I didn't already know, but something must have really got to him today. Not that anyone will ever figure it out because it's probably something that only makes sense in his head. But to think he tried to use as a weapon something that normally helps keep him calm. Can you believe it?
"I don't know why I'm not laughing. We should both be laughing, JT. A crazy man in a crazy house suddenly runs toward a nurse with a knitting needle ready to stab her, but he's too messed-up to have the speed, strength and coordination to hit his target. Put this scene on black-and-white film, set it to music and show it on a screen along with some other slapstick comedy and we'd have a good double-bill for a Saturday afternoon. We'd laugh our heads off at the outrageous display, and don't tell me we wouldn't."
Emma stopped pacing and looked at JT.
"Why can't he just control his emotions, JT? Why does he have to…If he had waited just another couple of hours until we got here…he would have seen us…would have been okay."
JT dropped the bag on the ground and wrapped his arms around her.
"It's not fair, JT," Emma continued as tears started to form in her eyes, the side of her head now resting up against him.
"You weren't wrong the other day, JT. I always hope he'll see me and at least get a little better, if not recover. I know it can't happen, but I still hope for it. And today…it's so dumb, maybe I'm the one that belongs in there…today, I thought I could just walk on in there and Shane would see and know for himself that I'm doing great. That I'm healthy. That I'm going to graduate in a few months. That I've got this guy…this funny, unpredictable, sweet guy beside me who is my rock.
"So Shane would see that he wouldn't have to worry about me and could feel free to get all better. Because I'm doing okay, he wouldn't have to stress or feel obligated. He'd see me and know that he could be a part of my life without worrying that he had to be a father. And knowing that, he could will himself to be okay again. If he had just waited until we got here, he wouldn't have to keep going around with his system full of drugs, sleeping big chunks of his life away in that horrible place.
"He's not a dad to me, but still…he shouldn't have to be here. But this is it for him. This is his life. I've always known, but I never WANTED to know. If that makes any sense. He's always going to be like he is. Maybe even get worse. I don't think he's even aware of what he's doing most of the time because if he were, he wouldn't have tried to hurt that woman. His life…if you can even call it living…there's no place for me in all of that. It's not fair, JT. It's not."
As JT continued to hug her, she held on tight to him.
"I got the bag for you," JT finally spoke after several moments where neither talked and after Emma's crying died down. "You know, the bag you must have accidentally thrown away. We'll need it when we try this visit again in a few weeks."
"But JT, I said…"
"Sure, they probably won't be giving him back his knitting needles anytime soon, but maybe he'd like to have the material with him in his room. A reminder of you and a sign of hope that he'll get to work with it someday."
JT kissed the top of Emma's head and then backed away from her slightly.
"Or, like you say, he might keep getting worse. But even if he's in no condition to see you, you need to see him. Like you told me, he's not really a dad, but he's a part of you. Don't give up on that. If it gets too much to deal with, just put it on me."
"Thank you," Emma said softly before grabbing JT and pulling him forward into another hug.
"Besides, there are still things I didn't get to do in there."
"Like what?" Emma said, starting to smile.
"Well, I wanted to wander through the offices and see how many people have a sign or mug on their desk that says 'You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.'"
"I see."
"Oh, and then I wanted to ask one of the doctors a medical question. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
Emma laughed.
"You're laughing. I like the sound of that. So, what do you want to do now, Emma? We still have most of the day."
"I don't want to go back to the city yet. How about lunch?"
"We can do that. When we got into town I saw this soup and salad place that looked like the kind of restaurant you'd love."
"I'd like that. And maybe after that, we could just drive around for awhile? We can go back home later."
"Sounds like a plan."
"But first, let's just stay here for a few more minutes. I need you not to let go of me for awhile."
"Deal," JT responded, smiling.
"By the way, sorry it took me so long in that office, JT. I hope you weren't too bored. Or nervous."
"Me? I wouldn't say that. But you know me, angel. I seem to make friends wherever I go."