The pub meal had been superb, Alex had expected them to arrive at their destination and fall straight into bed at the cottage; but Si wanted to talk about the years after MI6 and before the Dog and Duck. Alex skirted the issue and talked of finally getting over his past with the help of Enid, a woman who had survived and enjoyed life beyond the horrors and disappointments. "She showed me that I am the master of my destiny and that I was the one preventing myself finding happiness and security. Her death was horrible but also kick started my walking this path, where I found you. You who want to know me despite the fact I am a million miles from nice or normal." Alex sipped his glass of water, and watched Si finish his pint of Guinness.
The walk back to the cottage in the cool twilight was so different from London. Alex wondered if the quiet would keep him awake, but quashed that thought as he knew they would be talking into the night and then fuck. He had to be open with Si, the line had been crossed and he could no longer evade, run or hide.
With freshly brewed coffee in front of them Si asked his first question "What happened with you foster parents, the Pleasures? That book on Alan Blunt published last year by your foster father was dedicated 'to Alex with much love and a million regrets'."
"So, he spilled the beans on the Grand Master of Black Ops at MI6, sorry I missed that book launch."
"It was in litigation for months. Some guy at the CIA had full anonymity via a video link from Washington to the Old Bailey gave evidence for Edward and the crown prosecution collapsed. It was on the news for weeks, we all expected it to go all the way to Strasbourg. The forward stated certain cuts were made but the book was still damning about that man." Si then smiled "Nice bit of diversion there. So, you went to live in San Francisco with your friend Sabina and her parents."
Alex leaned back and thought back to his darkest hour. "It was mistake, I just wanted to get as far away from Blunt and Jones as possible. I had no thoughts of my future and no plans on integrating back into normal life. I was broken, damaged and unwilling to seek help. So, you have a boy who had witnessed his best friend being shot, survived torture, seen the woman who had raised him burn to death, try to fit in with a happy, completely normal family unit with no previous experience of fostering, mental health issues or dealing with full on PTSD and ingrained paranoia. I was a mess with nightmares, flashbacks, major trust issues and controlling behaviour including not taking my prescribed medication, mixing painkillers with alcohol and not eating." Alex rubbed his eyes. "I thought hunger strike was a brilliant idea. Wanted to protest about my treatment but they took away my voice with the Official Secrets Act. My body became my battle ground. I slowly reduced my food intake, so by the start of High School I was on no meals, no snacks and as little fluid as possible. The shrink I had was shit. I read Sabina's psychology books and gave off pat answers about grief." He looked at Si and smiled, thankful he was no longer in that pit of despair. "I collapsed at school during my second sports lesson. I had made a promised to Liz, Edward's wife, to always tell the truth about my health and well being; but for that to work you have to ask the right questions with no leeway for bending the truth with omissions. In the emergency room the attending doctor knew the right questions to ask. When had I last eaten… fifteen days previously…. Was I controlling what I drank… yes… and did I want to die… yes. So, I went straight to the psychiatric hospital do not pass go, do not collect £200. Liz and Edward were great but they were out of their depth with a sneaky, nasty and world weary trained spy. It was surreal to begin with, as they put me in a unit with a bunch of anorexic girls. It took two days of full on non-compliance on my part to get sent to the secure unit. Sabina tried to understand but I was a major league fruit loop by them. A visit from one of my past abusers actually kicked me up the backside. Joe Byrne was a big a bastard as Alan Blunt, but he apologised with the adage, he was sorry but life was hard. If push came to shove and with hindsight, he would still have used me. I had stopped awful things happening, saved thousands if not millions of lives. I was a credit to any agency I worked with and that he himself had been where I was. In a psych ward, trying to justify the losses and his actions. He then quoted Nietzsche, 'What does not kill you makes you stronger' and that I should be strong for Jack. She would want me well and happy. To be the man I had the promise to be and stop wallowing in self-pity. Take each day at a time and talk, tell my shrink everything." I got better and five months later I was back at the Pleasures house. Sabina smiled at me but her eyes were full of pity. Her friends were complete bitches. I overheard Edward giving a report on my recovery to Tulip Jones and the truth of my life there was laid bare. That woman just had to threaten Sab or her parents and I was back to square one. To say the next four months were tense is an understatement. I was a ghost and I worked full on catching up with school work and stayed in my room. Oh, I towed the line, went to therapy, ate my meals but the lights were on and nobody was home. I got my place sorted with St. Brendan's ahead of a planned holiday to London. I left the hotel and exchanged life with a foster family to a halfway house with my own social worker. I cut them out of my life, paranoia was in play but it was my way of distancing myself from being blackmailed back into operations. The queen bitch of the universe came to tell me my trust fund was off limits the day before my eighteenth birthday. At eighteen I planned to sell Cheyne Walk and move to rural France and live like a hermit. Tulip tightened her grip over my future so I left and lived on the streets."
His coffee had gone cold. Simon had let him talk with no interruptions, allowing him to get it out without clamming up. The blond got up and put the kettle on. "I still live in fear of her turning up, ruining my life again. Her, Blunt, my Grief clone and Yassen visit at night to shape my nightmares with cruel twists of fate. I prefer my dreams of you, your lips, your hands and your cock."
"So, let me reassure you. I love you, your body, your mind and I want you to be my future. I will take exile, if you want. We can move about, keeping everything easy and just like you're used to. I would give up my secure bit of surburbia for you."
Alex almost chuckled in a strained half sob. "No, here I draw the line. I am starting to live my life. I been running far to long. I need stability and I fell in love with a photographer with a snazzy home, a love of good food, excellent wine and evil Irish stout. No, I will do on the books at the pub, become legit, sort out my back payments to the tax man. I need a check up with both dentist and doctor. For you, I will become civilised. You have tamed me." The last was said with an genuine smile. The photographer had admitted to being attracted to a wild stubborn and dangerous man, masquerading as a temporary barman; seeing through the charade and the masks of man, who had had made a life of escape and evade.
…
Alex was well aware there was no happy ever after and that some things were worth fighting for, even dying for. He announced the fact he was planning on moving in with Si at the end of August, giving the two flatmates the plenty of notice, to see Chris handing Lee twenty pounds.
"It was obvious you were in need of a protector and well, big bad Si can look after you." Lee smiled. "I love it when Cupid strikes. So, you guys actually use that four letter word then, the l-o-v-e one?"
"Yeah, Si was first, saying he'd run away with me, as I've spent most of the last six years running and I said I'd stay for him, because I'm addicted to him. I had a childhood moving about every three to six months, only stopping to go to shitty Brookland Comp for four years, so I've made a huge commitment. God, I sound so soppy. So, how about I treat you guys to dinner, I was planning on either lasagne or spaghetti and meatballs?"
"You keep spoiling us like this and we won't want you to go. Make Lasagne and I'll buy desert." Chris was happy with the bribe of food.
Lee chuckled knowing his best friend's favourite pud, "Let me guess it'll be ice-cream."
"Not just ice cream but chocolate ice-cream with marshmallows and mixed in M&M's."