A/N:I lied. I think I want to update this Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It's just that I have so much of this written already. Also, I own no part of Twilight. Enjoy.

VIII.

i'm real and i don't feel like boys

The Sunday before the first day of her senior year, Leah took the earliest bus to Neah Bay. She had just been dropped off at the bus stop when she realized she hadn't even called her cousin to let her know she was coming. Hopefully, she wouldn't be at work.

Leah knocked on the Youngs' front door, and Emily answered it. Her parents were home, so Leah politely said hi and trailed behind Emily upstairs.

Emily had just graduated from Forks High School last spring. Her senior year hadn't been as hellish as its predecessors. She still hadn't done anything about her depression, but she had constantly convinced Leah that she was okay, which was true—for one thing, she wasn't physically hurting herself anymore. She often got the impulse, but it went away when she distracted herself.

Emily would be taking a gap year before moving on to college. She needed the time to work on herself and write her novel and play the cello. Self-help shit, she liked to say. While holding a part-time, flexible job at a diner on the Makah reservation, Emily would finally be able to do what she wanted, and she'd be mentally taking care of herself. Her parents were against her choices, but they didn't know much about her or her depression, anyway. They didn't have the first clue about her.

"How's it going, senior?" Emily asked Leah as they went to her bedroom. She sat on the floor to resume painting her toenails lime green, and Leah sat in the swiveling chair at Emily's desk, slowly swaying.

"Finally off crutches," Leah replied.

"I see. How was the trip up here?"

"It was fine. I can actually walk now—like, really walk. It feels good."

"Can you still play?"

Leah sighed. "I haven't really tried, and I'm not going to UPenn, anyway, even though my grades have been fucking immaculate. I don't even know if I'm gonna play for the school team this season."

"Aren't you the best in the program?" Emily asked, still staring down at her toes. "Don't they need you?"

"They didn't have me last year and they were okay."

Emily looked up at Leah with raised eyebrows. "We both know damn well they would have made it to the championships again if you were with them."

Leah shrugged, as heartless and indifferent as usual. "Maybe. I bet they've already found my replacement."

"Whatever, then."

Leah really wished her cousin wasn't so passive. She wanted to pick a fight just so Emily could reassure her and tell her she was amazing, but Emily was too real and too chill and she had her priorities straight. Leah was too aggressive for her own good and especially passive-aggressive these days. If they weren't related, Emily might just hate her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and it drove Leah crazy. Silence was scary. It allowed the other person to consider what she had said and decide something new about her, but Leah didn't want them to think; she wanted to prove herself to the other person. Make up their mind for them. Leah's bitterness and attention-seeking disposition hung in the air, and even though she knew Emily would always love her, it bothered her nonetheless.

Leah played with her hair in the silence. It had gotten so long—it was down to her butt now. She had never cut in a day in her life. Maybe she ought to. She ought to cut the bullshit out of her life, too.

"Hey, Em," she said. "Do you have a good pair of scissors?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm gonna cut off my hair."

"Your hair's gorgeous, though," Emily countered. "Why?"

"It's getting in the way, and I need to do something new."

Emily got up and carefully walked to a drawer near her desk. She took out a sharp pair of scissors and started walking to the bathroom. Leah followed.

When Emily shut the door, Leah asked for the scissors. "I wanna do it myself," she said.

"If it gets fucked up," Emily said, "you can't blame me."

"It's whatever," Leah replied. "I'm not that attached, anyway." For the longest time, she hadn't been attached to anything. She'd remained entirely heartless.

Leah brought one section of her hair down to her collarbones and started snipping away. She did that until all of her hair was the same length. Her long waves were now scattered along the floor and she was left with a blunt cut. She looked just as hard as she felt.

"It looks really different," Emily murmured.

"Good."

Senior carried on like everything else did. Leah found herself lonelier than ever without Emily around as much. She was merely blue. Just blue. She had an on/off thing going on with Kim, but it was mostly off. Kim had bigger, better things to be focused on. She was officially the cheer captain, and her biggest worry was where she wanted to go to college. Leah resented her for it because deep down, she knew Kim wasn't as smart as her. Kim's parents just had more money. And knowing Kim and her stress coping mechanisms, she would end up freaking out over the options of college and end up not going anywhere at all. It would all be really difficult for Leah to watch.

Kim and Jared never stopped being the American dream, a vision in red and white and blue. Jared got into the University of Washington on a sports scholarship like everyone hoped he would, and he loved to rub it in Leah's face just by existing. He annoyed her more and more each passing day.

Jared was the new savior of the badlands—he set a good example even though everyone knew he liked to party on the weekends. He partied a little too much for Kim's taste, and she wasn't into the crowd that he ran with, so she mostly stayed home with her cheer girls and got a little crazy in her own way, which was much more tasteful. With time, Kim had learned that there was nothing on this planet that was sadder than popping pills at home. Every now and then, she reflected on her sixteenth birthday when she had gotten very high and very alone. Lonely parties were ugly and embarrassing. Now she did it with her cheer girls since she was over being sad over Jared. Ecstasy was very much a cheer thing, but Kim knew how to keep it under control because she wasn't an idiot. Jared didn't know how to stop partying, and weed was the guy's best friend, but he didn't care anymore. He was already in U-Dub.

On a Friday in early March, two months before Prom, Kim approached Jared during study hall. She knew he hated talking to her about personal, uglier things during school where other people could hear, but she was getting past caring what people thought of them. An image was only an image, and high school wasn't a big deal. Maybe it was for him, since she could easily see him peaking in high school like most other small town boys, but complacently standing behind him wouldn't work for her anymore. And it was March—they were cutting their Prom arrangements very, very close.

She sat next to him in the quiet classroom instead of with Ashley Newton, one of her cheer girls. He was sitting with one of his friends, a football player whose name she couldn't remember. Kim gave him a silent yet obvious cue to move, and the kid complied. Kim had that sort of power.

"Hey," she said, "are we still going to Prom?"

"I don't know," he replied. "Do you wanna go?"

"I'd really like to."

"Why? There isn't even a Prom king or queen. That's only for Homecoming."

"Prom royalty doesn't matter to me," she said, "but this is our last Prom. We're seniors, Jared."

"I'll think about it," he told her.

"You have 'til Monday."

On Monday during study hall, Jared told Kim that he didn't want to go to Prom. He hadn't specifically said he didn't want to go to Prom with her, but it hurt just as much. At first it only hurt her pride—because as much as she knew she didn't want to peak in high school, she still cared about her image—but then it started to hurt her feelings. She did have some feelings for Jared. They had been dating for over two years; how could he just give it up now? She was still saving herself for him since Homecoming hadn't worked out a couple years back, and he had thrown her away like garbage—again. It was only worse this time because they were about to graduate.

But she was better than that. She was fucking independent as hell. Why should she ever reward him with the benefit of hurting her feelings just because he was human garbage and she was radiant? She would never.

She had too much damn pride for that.

"And then he was like, 'I don't wanna go. Sorry.' How pathetic is that?"

"God. He really is a piece of work."

"I was thinking more along the lines of 'piece of shit.'"

"That, too. Definitely."

Kim wasn't that close with Leah anymore, but she was closer with Ashley Newton more than ever these days. Ashley was the twin sister of Mike Newton. She was mostly referred to as Mike's sister, but Kim always knew she was more than that. They had both joined cheer together at the end of freshman year, and besides the fact that they both enjoyed the sport, they stayed in it for each other whether they knew it or not.

Even as high school cheer was over, they weren't. Kim thought about that a lot—especially now as she stared down at her nice brown boots against the dark green, slightly damp grass of Ashley's backyard. They sat on Ashley's deck. It was the first day of spring, and for Forks, it truly felt like it.

Kim looked up at Ashley. She had always thought she was gorgeous.

Ashley was a conventionally pretty white girl with dark blonde hair, hazel eyes, a slight gap between her two front teeth, and really fantastic eyebrows. In her natural setting, she loved to wear her tattoo choker paired with a denim jacket or a black skirt. She wore these scuffed-up, beaten-down, beautiful combat boots almost everyday since she had gotten them at the beginning of sophomore year. These days, she was experimenting with a fake septum piercing, too. Her style was really alternative, but Kim liked it because she would dress the same way if she were a little braver and a little less afraid of what others would say. Ashley wished she wasn't afraid of anything. She was funny in a really quiet way and completely encouraging towards the other cheerleaders—especially Kim—and she wasn't the smartest person in the world, but neither was Kim. All they knew was that they had each other's back.

Ashley was so much more than Mike's sister. And besides—Mike was a dick.

"You should still go to Prom," Ashley mused, running a hand through her hair and then setting her hand down on the deck. It touched Kim's, but neither of them moved. They were comfortable.

"Are you going?" Kim asked.

Ashley shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know."

"You're too cute not to go."

"I could say the same for you."

"But we both know that's not true, Ash."

"Fine. We're both too cute."

"Fine," Kim said. "I agree. But you should go. I bet a thousand boys are falling over themselves to go with you."

Ashley shook her head. "Fuck 'em."

"Why?"

"I don't feel like boys."

When Kim thought about it, neither did she.

Kim and Ashley spent more and more time after that. They played after school like kids, always sitting in her backyard and talking. They talked about dreams and whatever else they wanted. Cheesy shit like that.

"I wish we lived in California," Ashley said as she laid on a blanket with Kim in her backyard. Their heads were almost together, with the rest of their bodies going opposite ways. The contrast of Kim's black hair and Ashley's blonde hair came together.

"I wish we could go to a swimming pool in California on a nice, hot day," Kim said. "Like, real hot. Not just hot for here."

"That sounds good." Ashley looked up. "You ever been to California?"

"No. You?"

"I wish. Sometimes I think I'd really fit in there. I think you'd fit in there, too."

"People from there always think they're special," Kim said. "I bet there's something in the water."

"Maybe they are special," Ashley said. "Maybe we're special, too."

"Maybe."

The thing about Ashley, though, was that Kim had been in her presence for years. She'd seen Ashley almost-naked of a couple dozen times, and had probably gotten high with her at some point but had been too high to notice. Ashley was just Ashley, but she had never thought she'd mean so much more by the end of high school. Maybe that was what mattered: not where they started, but where they ended up instead.

The air between them was still.

You don't feel like boys, but I feel like you.

"Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"You're my girl."

"Kim, you're my girl. For life. And I mean it."

"I mean it, too."

They laid there until Mike caught a glance of them through his window and called Ashley inside the house. He started to yell about something, but Kim didn't want to hear the rest of it. She quickly packed up her bag and left, her skin burning with embarrassment and something else she couldn't pinpoint exactly.

She tried to ignore Ashley after that, but it didn't work. Every time she saw her face or heard her name, she knew she had to do something. She had to. Kim didn't feel like boys, but she didn't feel like anybody but Ashley, either.

It was the Thursday of spring break when they finally hung out again. It had been a quiet week—abnormally warm for April—and Thursday was the hottest day yet. Real hot—not just hot for Forks.

Kim and Ashley both wore shorts and tank tops (and the latter girl wore her tattoo choker) as they sat on their deck. Mike was supposed to be at work, and so were his and Ashley's parents. They were alone, and the air was still.

Even though Ashley had claimed she didn't feel like boys, she had just gotten her heard broken by one.

Kim knew the feeling all too well.

"I'm tired of them," Ashley said. "I don't want anything to do with them."

"I used to tell myself that all the time."

"Then why do we keep going back, Kim?"

"Because we believe in people's ability to change, Ash," she said, her thumb rubbing against the back of the other girl's hand. "We want people to change so bad that we imagine they do when they really don't. We're too forgiving."

Ashley nodded, and then bit her bottom lip. "You are such a nice girl," she told Kim. "And that's what's gonna get you hurt. I promise."

Kim nodded in response. "I know," she said. (No, she didn't.)

Ashley tucked some strands of blonde hair behind her ear and rested her head upon Kim's shoulder. They just breathed in, breathed out.

Kim thought she had ended up in the right place, and she was almost fully convinced of that until she felt her hair pulled hard and rough, and she was flying off the deck. Her body landed in the grass, and her head landed against some rocks by the garden. They scraped her forehead—hard. She blinked, trying to process what had just happened.

Mike then grabbed Ashley by the strap of her tank top and started screaming at her. When Kim focused, she could see the spit flying.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he demanded. "What's with all this dyke shit, Ash? Again?"

He slapped her hard across her pretty face. "Is this what you wanna be?" he yelled. "A fucking lesbo? You're not my real sister." He slapped her again. "What the fuck did I tell you about th—?"

He never got to finish his statement because Kim kicked him so hard in the head that he blacked out. While he was down, she started to beat him all that she could, pounding on his face with heavy, tight fists and shoving her heels into his stomach. Tears streamed down her face as she screamed down at his unconscious body.

"Fuck you!" she yelled over and over. "Fuck you, you fucking bastard!"

Ashley had to pull her back with both arms. "It's over," she kept saying. "Kim, it's over."

Kim finally calmed down and turned and held Ashley's face with both hands, carefully rubbing at the red in the girl's cheeks without even noticing the fact that she was wounded herself. Kim's face crumpled up and more tears flowed from her eyes.

Ashley ran her thumb along Kim's cut eyebrow, and then her bleeding jaw, the dark blood smearing everywhere. "It's okay," she whispered. "We're okay."

Kim turned away without looking back. She tried to burn the day out of her memory as she drove home, all the way out to the sticks, but as she walked the distance between her car and her front door, the wounds burned more than anything else.

Kim didn't feel like boys, and she wasn't sure if she still felt like Ashley.

She just felt like finishing high school the right way: with Prom. It didn't matter where she started as much as where she ended up, after all.

The Monday before Prom, after her wounds from spring break had been long healed (she had lied about kicking Mike's ass; he appreciated the gesture), Kim drove out to the gas station on the edge of Forks. A year ago, it had been remodeled to this century, and it was still a riot. The white kids from her school loved to hang out there because they were too hard to stay at home but too soft to be doing hard drugs. The gas station was a nice medium. Kim got in and out easily enough, and she was soon on her way to Leah's with bags of absolute comfort in her hands. Leah, as a person, inspired comfort despite her attitude.

Kim parked in the Clearwaters' driveway and went up the steps to the front door. She knocked on the door, and Leah opened it.

Before Leah could say anything, Kim asked, "Do you still have Selena on VHS?"

Leah got up from the ground when she was finished pushing the tape into her VCR. When she turned around, Kim had all the snacks laid out on the couch. It was their classic menu: Doritos, Coca-Cola, and Snickers.

"Damn, Bambi," Leah said. "You trying to make me fat or something?"

Kim smiled. "Nah. Sit down."

They were about halfway into the movie when Leah turned to Kim with serious eyes and said, "Okay, what's going on? We haven't done this since we were freshmen."

"Nothing's going on," Kim said curtly, with her eyes still on the TV. "Where's your mom?"

"She's at work," Leah replied. "Now tell me what's going on. Is Jared making you feel inadequate again?"

"Actually, no." Kim turned to Leah. She sighed. "I wanted to ask if you'd go to Prom with me."

"So Jared's definitely making you feel inadequate again," Leah confirmed. "Why don't you just tell him to stop being a little bitch and go with you? You guys have a look to keep up, anyway."

"I don't even wanna go with him," Kim admitted, not sure if she was telling the truth or if she was trying to seek safety in Leah to avoid feeling like a loser. "I'd much rather go with my best friend." Especially since I've been turned down once and can't look Ashley in the eye ever again.

"Right," Leah said with a roll of her eyes. "You weren't saying that when you and him were getting along for the past couple years." She pursed her lips. "Actually, you were hardly saying anything to me then."

Kim was silent for a moment. She inhaled deeply through her nose. "It's cool, I guess," she finally said, letting the conversation die.

"And that's kinda gay, anyway," Leah added. "I'm not into girls, and hopefully you aren't, either. Why don't you just take one of Jared's friends?"

"It doesn't even matter," Kim said, gritting her teeth.

Leah wasn't done yet, though. "Kim, you can't be doing shit like that just because Jared's making you feel bad about yourself. You're way better than that, and you're way better than him, too. Don't use me because you're mad at him—I'm not your rebound for that shit anymore. We're about to graduate. It's time to grow up."

Kim got up from the couch, grabbed her things, and started making her way to the front door. She slammed the door behind her as she departed.

"Bye!" Leah yelled, looking for the last word as always.

That night, Leah didn't know how to feel after being such an asshole to Kim. She didn't want to feel bad because Kim deserved it and she should have known better than to try to fuck with Leah's feelings for the sake of her own, but Leah did want to feel bad because Kim could have actually been sincere. Kim wasn't a malicious person in the least bit, and for Leah to assume that just because she had been having a bad time was fucking rude.

Not everyone was out to get Leah anymore; the world was pretty much done fucking with her. But she just couldn't shake it. Leah felt that with every step she took forward, something horrible would happen. After distancing herself and become as tough as nails since her world turned blue at the departure of Paul and her dreams, she didn't know how to handling signs of genuine interest anymore—how fucking pathetic was that? Shying away from growth was a new low for her.

Her mother was right: Leah had the worst fucking attitude. And the fact that she may have lost Kim because of her hard-ass disposition only made things worse.

Leah called Kim that night. She hadn't been able to eat junk food or watch Selena after Kim left, so she just put it away. Seth would quickly find and consume it all, she knew.

Leah dialed the number she knew by heart, and Kim answered the phone on the second ring.

"Yeah?" Kim asked.

"I'm sorry for being such a dick to you," Leah said, cutting right to the chase.

"It's okay."

You are such a nice girl.

"It's really not. Like, it's not your fault I'm such a heartless asshole who can't believe anyone would actually be nice to me. You don't deserve all that, and I'm sorry."

"You're not as heartless as you say you are," Kim replied, "but it's okay. I forgive you, Lee."

And that's what's gonna get you hurt.

"I'm just so sorry about how rude I've been lately."

"It's cool. We're still good."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

I promise.

"Hey, Kim?"

"Yeah?"

"What colors are you wearing to Prom? I wanna coordinate."

A/N: So I threw this chapter in because I felt the need to do something with Kim. She's important in this story. Thoughts? Also, I can't wait to show you guys the next chapter.

Thanks as always,

HS