A/N: Dearest reader, we are heading into new territory: Bella Swan. I hope you like her.

I own no part of Twilight.

Sydney preread this. Ily babes.

Enjoy.

XIII.

this is special, baby
fuck 'em, only we know

Once Bella Swan got into her father's police Cruiser waiting for her at the Port Angeles airport, she started picking at her chipped purple nail polish, anxiously waiting for her cell phone to buzz and bliss to come.

She stared out her window, and even though she had been coming to Washington every summer since the end of her freshman year, she was still in shock of how green the state was. When she had reflected on Forks, she had never really pictured the town itself. Forks certainly wasn't Phoenix, but then again, Earth certainly wasn't heaven.

Forks was as plain as she expected it to be, but that wasn't what made it heaven. For Bella, Forks became heaven when she got that text from that boy she'd been seeing for a few years now. Even though it was August and not June, the summer would still be theirs, and that was what mattered. She didn't want to think about the fact that they had less time to be with each other.

Her father, Charlie, pulled into the driveway of his two-story house in Forks and, routinely, helped her out with bringing her bags up. Bella saw her old red truck, a Chevy from the sixties, in the driveway and felt content. Her truck was truly home for someone who didn't have a definitive home.

Having just graduated from high school in Phoenix, she would be taking a gap year before going on to college (possibly), and it would start this summer. Things had been really rough lately; she couldn't see herself diving right into college. If she really hated Forks in the absence of her boyfriend, then she would just go back to Phoenix to live with her mother and stepfather.

Once she had all her belongings upstairs and in the same small bedroom with the same purple linens and the same books she used to read when she was little, she checked her phone again. It turned out that she hadn't even sent him the text. I'm so stupid. She finally sent it out (it said, I'm home) and laid back onto her bed.

Bella Swan was what one would call a hopeless, obsessive romantic.

Even though she had been with her boyfriend for years and they knew each other more than they knew anything or anyone else, her head was still up in the clouds, in the honeymoon stage. In her head, they still had all the time in the world to be together. In reality, he had just finished his first year at Dartmouth, and he was a busy guy with big plans for himself. Maybe he didn't really have time for someone like Bella, a quiet girl with a handful of her own afflictions and who wasn't even going to college in the fall because she hadn't gotten into her top pick, but she didn't want to consider that. Instead, she focused on her love for him because it was so easy to do. Loving Edward took up all her energy so she didn't have to waste it on thinking about her problems.

Bella was head over heels in love with him. It was all she knew.

"Hey, Bells," Charlie called. "Could you come down here for a second?"

She got up and made her way downstairs to find Charlie in the kitchen. He had just set the wireless telephone down onto its base.

"Yeah, Dad?"

"So I just invited Billy and Jacob over for dinner tonight," he said. "But if you're too tired, they can come over some other time. I should have asked you first, though, so sorry about that."

"No, it's fine. Dinner tonight sounds good," she said. "What do you want to eat? I'll cook."

"Whatever you make will be just fine."

"Alright. What time are they coming?"

"They'll be here at six."

She glanced over at the clock. It was four. "Okay. I'll have something done by then."

"Thanks, Bells."

She smiled with her teeth like a good girl. "No problem."

Bella was supposed to go to the grocery store to get food for dinner, and she did end up going, but she got sidetracked when she saw none other than Edward Cullen, the person she loved more than her own life, completely on accident. She hadn't seen him since last May.

They both came there for food and ended up in his car, chilling in the very back of the parking lot. They were as high as a damn kite.

Bella's laugh was breathy as she leaned on Edward's shoulder, about to take another nice, long hit of the joint between her fingers. She held the smoke in her mouth and shifted so she could put her soft lips to his. She blew gently, and he caught a taste of his two favorite things at once: weed and Bella. (The order was interchangeable.) Then she laughed again.

"What's so funny?" he wondered.

"You're gonna get me killed someday," she said. "I'm always risking getting into all sorts of trouble when I'm with you."

They had no business smoking weed in a grocery store parking lot in broad daylight on a Saturday afternoon. Everybody knew who they were, and they knew all the sharks would come swimming at the slightest hint of blood. These people in Forks, out in the badlands... they saw everything. Out here, nobody ignored anything and everything came right back.

It was the same in that everyone ended up coming back to the badlands. The area was a beacon, and it scared Bella more than anything because she and Edward could easily fall into that mess. The badlands and the people that occupied it were living in hard, ugly times. It could permeate Bella and Edward and the epitome of them at any time.

But they were better than all that, better than all those lurking sharks. They still had the chance to get out, and maybe they would. Edward was already mostly out the door, and Bella was well on her way once she got her shit together. Their less-than-admirable habits weren't all that they were; they were just hobbies.

Bella and Edward were more sane and less static than people around here because they knew their priorities. They had their heads mostly in the right place whereas no one else had their heads at all. They never put drugs over the other person; they smoked weed while enjoying each other's company. Edward knew a guy who went by Q who always hooked him and Bella up. Bella and Edward always shared, and if that wasn't love, then she had no idea what was.

They had that real, true, cinematic kind of love going for them. It only made them even better than the others because part-time love was the life round here, but theirs was full-time and it was authentic. Their love wasn't thriving due to boredom or wedlock or anything like that; they knew true romance. They lived a love story to tell to the new age forever, just so they wouldn't be forgotten. And what would they be if they weren't historical?

It was all very self-centered. That was how they were supposed to be. The me me me generation thrived on this kind of self-hyping yet self-loathing, what the hell do I do if I'm not remembered? mentality. These kids had more to worry about, since mental health was more in the forefront, yet they dreamed a little bigger and brighter than their parents had. These kids had to have a hedonistic air of self-fulfillment in order to survive. Living a dull life without questioning anything or searching for the finer, more beautiful things just wasn't enough anymore. Bella didn't want to stop there—she was always searching. Edward's love for her had authorized that. His love made her braver and more beautiful. She had sacrificed honesty for it, but she didn't mind.

She kissed him, and even though the image was a selfish one, she didn't want to see them any other way because deep down, she knew they were better. Only they knew the truth.

Whenever Bella mentioned Charlie's constant questions and assumptions of her and Edward, she'd tell Edward.

He just doesn't get it, he'd tell her. He doesn't know us. Nobody does. Fuck 'em.

And Edward was right. He was always right. She'd never stop agreeing with him.

She'd nod and take another hit and repeat his words.

Fuck 'em.

When can I see you again?

Bella tried to remain inconspicuous as she tapped at the screen of her phone in her lap. She wasn't missing much at the dinner table. She had stumbled into the house twenty minutes after six with a pizza and a half-assed apology. Still a little buzzed, she knew she hadn't missed anything important. It was the same old Charlie and Billy banter around her.

The response was assuring, as everything was with Edward. He was a solid guy. How could Bella ever not believe him?

Soon, baby. Soon.

Jacob, the kid who had been making sure her car was working the past couple of summers, sat quietly next to Bella as he ate his pizza. He noticed her eyes were down in her lap. He didn't want to say anything, but Billy did. Even though she had bad table manners, she was good at covering up the weed. She didn't even smell like it.

"Hey, Bella," Billy said.

She slowly looked up and dropped the phone in her lap. She blinked. "Yes?"

"How was your trip?"

"It was good," she replied. "Long. I'm pretty tired."

"I can tell," Billy replied. "Your eyes are all red."

She smiled slightly. "Sorry."

"Do you have any plans for summer, Bells?" Charlie asked.

"I'll probably just be working at the Newtons' store," Bella replied, which was true. She'd kept a steady summer job at the Newtons' Outfitters store since she had been fifteen. She was eighteen now, and she didn't really have plans on giving that job up. Mike Newton, a guy her age, had covered a lot for her in working and storytelling so she could be with Edward, and even when she was around him, she didn't mind his presence. Mike was an alright kid, and she hardly even had to do anything at the store. It was a good way to soberly kill time without entirely wanting to kill herself.

"You should come down to La Push when you're not working," Billy suggested. "Come check out something new. The beach is real nice in the summertime."

She gave him a promising look. "I'll consider it," she said even though she wouldn't. In the summers, she only hung around in Forks and Port Angeles. Edward was always telling her stories about the people in La Push and what happened to them, based on what he had heard. His dealer, Q, was always rolling into hard places and he didn't want Bella to get caught up in it, day or night. Edward only wanted her to be safe.

Even if what Edward said wasn't that true, and even if Bella would ever finally figure out that Forks was just as bad as La Push, she still found the reservation dirty. Just dirty. It was low-key racist and high-key prejudiced of her to think that, but it was true. La Push just wasn't a place for someone like her even though she was fond of going everywhere.

"You guys should go down to First Beach," Charlie said to Bella and Jacob. "While the weather's still nice."

Bella just smiled. Wouldn't even dream of it.

Her cell phone buzzed in her lap. She looked down when the conversation moved away from her.

I'll pick you up tomorrow morning at ten. I have a plan and it involves ruling the world.

She typed back quickly. The usual. I love you.

I love you. Forever.

Forever.

The next morning, Sunday, Bella was dressed and downstairs at nine forty-five. She had tried to avoid Charlie and his questions after making him breakfast an hour ago, but he was comfortably sitting at the dining room table still, sipping on a mug of coffee.

"Where ya headed to, kid?" he asked. She stopped dead in her tracks in the living room.

He knew she had been dating Edward for a while now, but she wasn't sure if he was comfortable with it yet. Since both Charlie and Edward had occupied the same space last May in Phoenix, she couldn't lie anymore. She couldn't say she was going to see Jessica Stanley, one of her coworkers, anymore. She could no longer hide.

She took a moment, thinking of a way to sound as vague as possible, but she didn't see the point in lying. She was an adult, so she should act like it, even if it wasn't true because adults lied more than anybody else.

"I'm gonna go see Edward," she told Charlie. "He's going back to Hanover at the end of the month so we wanna hang out as much as we can." (His return to the East Coast was true, but the "hanging out" part was merely a broad term for their activities.)

"Where's Hanover again?" he asked.

"New Hampshire," she said slowly, carefully.

"Right, he's an Ivy League man."

She nodded, dying to run out the front door. "Mm-hm. So I'll see you later." She turned on her heels.

"Wait, wait, wait," Charlie said.

She turned around again, losing the little patience she had left. "Yes?"

He set his mug down and looked over at her. "Don't you think you and Edward should have some..." He faltered. "I don't know, some distance? From each other?"

"We only see each other in the summertime," she reminded him. "That's the only time we see each other all year." She lived for those summers; she bloomed for them.

"Yeah, I know, Bells, but you're pretty much gone all summer. I hardly see you around the house."

"I can't be cooped up in here twenty-four seven. I have work a lot of the time," she told him. "And I still do see Mike and Jessica a lot." The last part was nothing but a lie. She only used Mike and Jessica to cover for her when she needed it.

But Charlie could almost see right through her. He was relatively easygoing, but not clueless in the least bit. "We both know you spend a lot of time around Edward," he said.

"We're kind of dating," Bella said curtly. "And like I said, we only see each other in the summer. We see each other even less now since he's in college."

"And like I said," Charlie replied, "you guys need some distance."

She could feel her face growing hot. "If you want me to see Mike and Jess more," she said quietly, "then I'll do that."

"I was thinking you could hang out more with the kids in La Push," he suggested.

She shook her head. "I don't know any of the kids in La Push."

"You know Jacob."

"Not really."

"C'mon, Bells, don't be like that. For years, the guy's been making sure you have a truck to drive around all the summer, and you guys were even friends when you were little. I think you know him at least a little bit."

That doesn't mean anything. "I don't know anybody else in La Push," she told him. And I'm not interested in knowing anyone there, either.

"You've graduated from high school," he reminded her. "You know how to socialize. Go and make new friends."

I don't know shit about interacting with other people. "I like my current friends."

"No, you like Edward," he pointed out. "Only Edward. And there are plenty of kids out on the rez who are your age. They're just like you, I bet. You might as well get to know them since they're closeby. So give 'em a chance. Go out to La Push for a little bit. As much as you think you know everything about this area, you haven't seen much. You just might like it."

She clenched her jaw. "Okay," she said. "How do I give La Push a chance, then?"

"Go out with Jacob," Charlie told her. Before she could say anything, he continued. "I know you don't like him like that. But you should catch up with him and act like you care. It's the least you could do since he's been making sure your truck isn't falling apart."

"Okay, I'll do it," she told him, nodding. "I'll hang out with Jacob." Then she heard a car pulling into the driveway. "That's Edward. Can I go now?"

Charlie sighed. "Go ahead."

She turned around and headed to the front door.

"Distance!" Charlie called out as the door slammed shut.

It was never summer in Forks, but when Bella was in Forks, she was hotter than the sun. Thinking about Edward set her on fire every time.

She'd been saving everything up for him like a present with a nice, big bow on it. She'd been saving all her summers just for him, and the little taste she had gotten yesterday in the parking lot hadn't been official. Now she was ready to bloom.

He had pulled up to her small town house in a big city whip, borrowed from his dad. He was only three months older, but four lifetimes. She liked to believe that money didn't age people, but with Edward, money made him into a man.

The second she got in his car and closed the door, she leaned over and kissed him hard enough, sweet enough, with enough love—all to make up for the lost time since last May. After he had visited her last May, just after she graduated, she thought they imploded. July had been the quietest, coldest month of all time. It was far past time to speak up again.

He pulled away to breathe, and when he looked her in the eyes, he knew that they had never imploded; they had blossomed all over again. Yesterday in the parking lot hadn't been formal enough.

"I miss you," he told her. Present tense.

"I'm here," she told him. Present tense.

"I didn't stay mad."

"I know."

He put his lips on hers again, and her heart exploded. It burned the entire fifteen minutes it took to get to his house on the other side of town, and she was in love. She was alive.

She wasn't much of a homebody, seeing as she liked to go places for fun, but he was, seeing as he hated traveling unless he absolute had to. Bella was a homebody around Edward, though, since she was so adaptable. So they settled in his big, empty house on the other side of Forks, in the woods and on the other side of the sticks. With a bottle of her favorite white wine and a bag of her favorite weed, they were in heaven.

Life was sweet—it actually couldn't get much sweeter than this, and when they officially reunited in a soft bed (though she wasn't particularly picky), she was gone. Out of this world. All that was left was the cloud of smoke as evidence of the explosion. And when it was all said and done, he picked up the pieces and stitched her back into who she wanted to be, the best she could be. He had done it before.

Except this time, she wasn't sad afterward. She was reflective because his love wasn't entirely distracting from her harsh memories, but she wasn't sad.

Their first summer together continued to haunt her. Somewhere inside, that little fifteen-year-old part of her hadn't died yet. That summer had been a sweet, beautiful, youthful mess that had turned ugly on the last day. Knowing her better than anyone else, he'd had the choice to be disrespectful, make her feel shameful and embarrassed for opening up to him in the way that she had, and he had taken it. Their first summer together had ended rotten because she had been delicate and he had been full of pride. That aspect of trust was long gone, but she was stronger this time around. She had enough pride to tell him when he was being disrespectful, and he wasn't even being disrespectful now.

They had definitely grown. They had too much history to have not grown.

So she couldn't be sad afterward, and he couldn't be regretful. She couldn't be embarrassed, and he couldn't be self-loathing (she did that enough for the both of them regardless). He held her tight. She had saved everything for him, and now he had to save the pieces.

For the time being, it was almost like that freezing July hadn't happened between that cool June and this scorching August.

She had sat high and dry, and it was then that he truly saw how small she was. They had been together for years now, the most transformative years of their lives, but now he could see.

Everything about her was tiny. Small lips curved into a pout, and she had a small nose, as well as small wrists with small scars etched into them. The only remotely wide things about her were her tired brown eyes, her stretched hips with tiny signatures of adolescence to prove it, and her elastic heart.

He said to her, "You are so small."

She said, "Then let me grow."

She didn't have to get permission this time.

At this very moment, this very reunion, she blossomed on her own. That cold July had allowed her to replant herself.

Bella stared up at his ceiling. Edward was cocky and rich enough to have a mirror up there, and she couldn't help but notice how awkward she looked compared to him. In that aspect, she was still that little fifteen-year-old. Even though she was eighteen and she knew she was beautiful, it was hard to believe it when he, just having turned nineteen, was a god on Earth.

Her flaws stuck out to her the most. Her breasts were uneven, and her stomach could be flatter. Her dark brown hair splayed out onto the gold satin pillow, thick and wild. Everything about him was even and symmetrical, though, from his picture-perfect face to his smooth stomach to his wildly beautiful bronze hair.

"Anyone," she murmured. "You could have picked anyone, and you picked me."

The only thing she wore was the promise ring he had given her, on a necklace. She knew that if she wore it on her finger, she'd only lose it. That ring, given to her the summer after her sophomore year, when they were in Seattle, was the most beautiful thing about her.

"I've never wanted anyone else," he reminded her for only the fiftieth time today. But what he said remained true. He had seen a lot of women in a lot of places, but none of them compared to Bella because he knew the real her and he knew that she was beautiful.

It was true in that she had afflictions of her own, but she knew how to keep searching for meaning even when they seemed out of her reach. He had been that way before he met her, but the second she had come into his life was the second he had given that ability up to remain as stable as possible. She was mostly unstable in other fields, but she remained absolutely stable in regards to him.

It was what he loved the most about her: she knew her freedom.

She just didn't know her value. That was because she didn't know herself at all. All she knew was how much she loved him, and it made her both stable and unstable.

He didn't know how to give good conversation; just good wine, good weed, and good head. So he kept holding onto her like things were the same as before her graduation, like her depression hadn't taken a toll on everything they had, and like he hadn't left her frozen because he hadn't known how to fix her or her issues.

His stability was what she needed more than anything, especially when she had spun out so far from who she used to be.

A/N: If nothing regarding Bella and Edward makes sense right now, give me a minute. I've got it all written out. I'll update Monday.

Feedback is encouraged and thanks as always,

HS