A/N: Sydney preread this. (Thanks, homie.) It's a short chapter, but I hope it's informative. It ends the first Bella arc.

I own no part of Twilight.

Enjoy!

XV.

the power of youth is on my mind
sunsets, small towns, i'm out of time

Bella ran straight up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door shut. After she cracked open her window and then stuffed a towel underneath in the space between her door and the ground, she lit a joint and started pacing the room. She walked from her door to the window and then back again. Her nerves were going through the roof. She was practically sizzling.

God, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm a fucking idiot.

She was still high. She didn't even know why she was smoking again, but the more she thought about it, the more she freaked out. Maybe she needed it. Bella would never stop smoking, and she would never be totally loyal to Edward. She would never be loyal to anything or anyone or anywhere ever again after what she'd done.

It was easier to stay high, but she couldn't keep Edward off her mind.

I just fucked up so fucking bad.

She had gone to La Push. She had hung out with a kid from fucking La Push, the exact thing that Edward didn't want her to ever do. She'd made an ass out of herself during that date in La Push because she had been high. Prior to going to La Push for the date with the kid she'd made an ass out of herself in front of, she had met up with Edward's weed dealer in La Push to get a stash of weed of her own to get high by herself. And prior to that, she had stolen a wad of cash from Edward's house, while he was sleeping, to pay for the weed that she hadn't shared.

She had only broken a thousand rules: stole money, went to La Push to get drugs with said money, did said drugs alone, went to La Push again for a date, and didn't tell her boyfriend about any of it. As far as Edward knew, he wasn't short two hundred dollars, Bella hadn't been to La Push, she hadn't gotten high without him, and she hadn't acted inappropriately with a boy who wasn't him.

I'm so fucked up.

How she had acted with Jacob was half-fake, half-real. She had been truthful in that she did feel stuck (Why had she opened up to him like that? She didn't even know), but she hadn't meant a word about wanting to do him. Most of the more wild things she'd done and said were just so he would never want to go out with her again and Charlie would be effectively off of her back. She had only hoped it worked, but now it didn't matter.

Now that she knew she had dug herself into an even bigger hole, it was time for her to leave. Even if she stayed and was truthful with Edward, she would have to leave because he would hate her too much. She and Edward were over. They were just fucking over. He didn't know about her affairs now, but he would definitely figure it out soon. He was quick, but she could be quicker when she had to be.

She just had to pick up the pieces before he could do it himself.

Fuck me.

Bella quickly changed into blue jeans, a gray t-shirt, and black sneakers as she called Q. (Another rule she'd broken: looked into Edward's phone when he was sleeping.) She even put the necklace with the ring back on. It'd be the last thing she would let go of regarding Edward. She could steal all his money and smoke all the weed in the world without him, but she wouldn't give that ring up.

Quil didn't answer the phone the first two calls, but the third time was the charm.

"What's up?" he asked, his voice easygoing.

"How tight are you with Edward?" she asked as she buttoned up her jeans, her phone between her ear and her shoulder.

"I just sell him weed," he said. "So not very."

"Well, I need you to not say anything to him when—if—he asks about me," she told him. "I'm leaving town soon—like, really soon, tonight soon—and he might ask you about me when he figures out he's missing some money, but at the same time, he doesn't know that I know you."

"Okay..." he murmured. "I'm not really following here."

"Just don't tell him I went to La Push," she said impatiently. "And don't ever fucking tell him I bought weed from you."

"Okay," he said, affirmative. "It was nice doing business with you, Bella."

"Thanks, Q. But could you tell me one thing?"

"What?"

"Why do you go by Q?"

"My name's Quil," he told her.

"That's still one syllable," she reminded him as she tied her shoes. "Why don't you just go by Quil?"

"It's a family name," he said. "Now run."

She hung up, slightly satisfied with knowing that tidbit of information. After she flushed her joint down the toilet and she sprayed Febreze around her entire bedroom, she called her stepfather. Phil, her mother Renee's new husband of just over a year, still felt guilty for his treatment of Bella after they learned she had depression three years ago, so he was still trying to make it up to her because he felt that owed her something.

He answered the phone on the first ring. "Hey, Bella, are you okay?"

"Yeah, Phil," she said, putting on a glum voice to generate more guilt. "I just... I need to get out of Forks. Do you think you could transfer some money over to my account? I'm coming home."

"Does Charlie know?"

"Yeah," she lied. "He thinks it'd be better for me go, too. I'll pay you back, I swear. I just need the money for a cab and an airline ticket."

Phil paused for a little while. She could hear him tapping at his phone screen.

"Okay," he finally said. "I just put some money in your checking account. Spend wisely."

"Thanks, Phil. Love you." I should've been an actress.

"I'll see you when you come home."

Bella hung up and checked the balance in her checking account. Phil had just transferred eight hundred dollars to her.

After packing up all her belongings, safely hiding the weed, and booking the airline ticket, Bella called a cab to Port Angeles and anxiously waited.

You guys need some distance.

Charlie's words rang in her head, echoing and echoing all the way from Forks to Port Angeles to Phoenix.

She couldn't help but save herself from the guilt and embarrassment that had come with betraying Edward. She still loved him, but something inside of her would never be fixed. Her impulsiveness would never be muted no matter how hard he loved her back, and it killed her more than anything. She would never be stable and she wished she could be in his shoes just once to know what it was like.

She would miss him again—she'd miss him like crazy, just like she always had. She would miss heaven on Earth, and the orange sky sunsets viewed from his glass walls in his huge house. She would miss her body against his and his smoke against her lips. She would miss him telling her she was beautiful and worthy and perfect even if she would never believe it.

And once he stopped being angry that she had betrayed him so horribly, he would miss her, too. She could see the next few months already: cold, full of read and unreturned text messages, relapse after relapse. She was fine with hurting herself again as long as she didn't have to continue hurting him. That was what mattered. Running would hurt now, but it wouldn't hurt him forever. Because their lives were so aligned no matter how busy he was and their love was so eternal no matter how awful she was, they would find each other again. She knew they would. She was a traitor, but their love was forever.

She was always, always running. She ran from the truth, ran from her memories, and ran from the outcomes she would be forced to deal with. She just wasn't equipped for this world, wasn't ready to handle matters like a mature, stable adult. Maybe she'd never belong anywhere since she was always searching for something she couldn't reach. She belonged with Edward, but that was so part-time; it wouldn't be like this if she were more committed.

You guys need some distance.

Maybe her biggest issue was less of her needing distance from Edward and more of her needing distance from herself.

A/N: I probably won't update Friday because I have a few important things to take care of, and I need to focus all my extra time into those things. But I think it'll be fine; I update very often, anyway. This chapter concludes the first Bella arc, but she will be back very, very soon.

Take care,

HS