A/N: I own no part of Twilight.

XVII.

i'm laughing, i'm crying
it feels like i'm dying

Leah crossed her long legs over Kim's as they settled into the couch on a chilly November evening. Kim had just popped Selena into the VCR, and it was time to start Leah's nineteenth birthday right, or at least the best way they could. So far, it felt like any other night.

Cramped in her little living room, Leah hadn't expected more people than just Kim and Emily being there, but as her eyes crossed over the room, she realized that just about everyone was here, and she really shouldn't have put Kim up to planning her party. She appreciated the gesture, but it didn't help. The party was only pitiful so far.

To Leah's right, Paul sat in the armchair, staring long and hard at the box television in the middle of the room. He had recently taken an interest in Selena Quintanilla, since she had been a real Mexican and all, but he still paid Leah no mind. Seth and Embry sat on the floor next to Paul, talking amongst themselves over cans of soda. Their voices were low and serious. When Leah looked over to her left, past Kim, she saw Jacob sitting on the edge of the couch, as far away from Kim as physically possible while remaining on the couch. He had this strange aversion to her, and Leah didn't know why, but Jake was kind of an idiot, anyway. He stared at the corner of the room, over at the huge bouquet of helium balloons Kim had gotten Leah earlier today. All Leah was waiting for was Emily. She knew Sam wasn't going to come, and she made sure Kim hadn't invited Quil because she was still angry with him.

For a house as occupied as hers, Leah sure felt damn lonely. It didn't help that Kim, who was still her best friend despite her constant annoyances, played on her phone in the pocket of her oversized hoodie. The bright LED light bothered Leah to no end, and the worst thing was that she knew exactly who Kim was texting.

"Don't let Jared ruin my birthday," Leah told Kim.

Kim immediately turned off the screen of her phone and looked over at Leah. "Quit freaking out," she said. "We're only watching Selena for the millionth time."

Don't you learn anything? Leah thought. That boy's been hurting you from day one.

Leah couldn't believe her best friend was still so stupid. Kim never learned, and that was because she was so nice. For as long as she had known Leah, Kim had remained totally complacent. It killed Leah on the inside.

"What's Jared even been up to?" Embry wondered aloud. For a second, Leah had forgotten what his speaking voice was like. She was used to him being silent.

"Clearly sexting Kim," Paul said.

"I thought you guys broke up last June," Seth added. "You know, at the beach when he called you a bitch."

Kim gave Leah a look that said Well, look what the fuck you've started.

Leah shrugged. It's not like you invited all these people or anything. And it's not like it isn't true.

Before Kim could defend Jared and his ugly behavior like she usually insisted on doing instead of defending herself, the front door opened. Everyone looked in the same direction, and Emily entered the house, holding a huge rectangular box. Quil followed her with plastic bags in his hands. They were greeted by everyone in the living room.

"Hey, Em," Leah called. "Whatcha got there?"

Emily smiled as she made her way to the kitchen. "You'll find out."

Leah followed her to the small kitchen, ignoring Quil, who set the plastic bags down on the counter. He went back to the living room, and Leah cornered Emily.

"What's Quil here for?" she asked her cousin.

"He's just trying to help out," Emily replied. "He's been going through a lot lately."

Leah crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't give a fuck what the guy's been going through."

"You're cold as ice."

It wasn't the first time she'd heard that. "I know."

"And isn't it better that he's here with us instead of up in Neah Bay with Claire?" Emily raised her eyebrows.

Leah sighed. "True."

Emily squeezed her arm. "Now lighten up, birthday girl. Don't make this into a pity party."

Emily had brought food and a big, chocolate cake since Kim had supplied the decorations and company. Leah quickly blew out her candles in the presence of everyone, but she felt so alone. She didn't wish for anything genuine, and at 5:03, she realized she had been nineteen for a whole minute. Her mom called her from her job at 5:04, crying about how her baby was so old now and how it felt like "just yesterday" when she pushed her out into the world.

Leah wished her parents could be there for her tonight. She needed more of them and less of the people who currently occupied her living room. These people weren't here because they wanted to be—they were here because they had to be.

She now realized she wasn't supposed to be here in La Push with the same old people doing the same old thing. She was supposed to be a freshman at UPenn, playing basketball. She especially hated herself for letting her cockiness (and Jared) get to her.

After the cake was cut, somebody decided to turn on music via boom box, effectively shutting down Leah's millionth viewing of Selena. It was deep trap music that was playing, the type of music that nobody could really dance to, so it must have been Quil who put it on. He had no idea what old-school meant; he was always on the new shit. So everybody just stood and sat around and drank soda and talked. These people saw each other almost every day; what could there possibly be that was new to discuss?

Leah had been trying to avoid Quil the entire time, but as she talked with Kim on the couch, trying to convince her to not pursue a long-distance relationship with Jared while he was in Seattle, Quil came up to them and interrupted Leah's persuasion. He pulled his impish grin and leaned in next to her.

"'Sup, ladies?"

Kim was polite since she was a good person and all. "Nothing much, Quil. How's it going?"

He shrugged. "Just chillin.' Happy birthday, Leah."

"Thanks for remembering," Leah said sincerely.

His smiled widened. "You know me."

Leah lacked the patience for him regardless of his fake politeness. She focused her attention back to Kim. "Anyway, there's no reason for you to keep being with him. Long-distance isn't worth it."

"No offense, but you don't know anything about relationships," Kim said.

"Yes, I do," Leah countered, slightly offended. "I've seen a lot."

Quil still hung around. "Kim, are you still trying to see Jared even though he's at college?"

Kim nodded. "I didn't know this was becoming everyone else's business, but yeah."

"It's a party, Kim. That's when everyone's business comes out," Emily said, approaching the couch. She pointed towards the empty space between Leah and Kim. "You mind?"

Kim folded her legs under her and moved back. "Go ahead."

"This party is the opposite of lit," Leah said under her breath. Emily ignored her.

"Long-distance isn't even worth it," Quil told Kim, shaking his head.

"See," Leah said. "Even Quil knows that."

"And what would you know about that?" Kim asked Quil.

"Me and Claire aren't working out."

"That's more of an age thing," Leah said. "Not a long-distance thing."

"What happened?" Kim asked Quil. "With you and Claire?"

"She started tenth grade," Leah said with a roll of her eyes. "Then she realized she's not a complete idiot, so she doesn't wanna date a fucking drug dealer."

Emily was getting out something from her bag, but then she paused and looked up with a concerned look. "You're still dealing, Quil?"

"Semi-regularly," he said.

"Just don't pull any shit in my house," Leah told him.

"Wouldn't try it, Lee," he said, his tone a little bitter.

Leah looked over to Emily, and she had books in her lap. The pile included works of Kate Chopin and Sylvia Plath. Leah caught a glimpse of The Awakening and The Bell Jar. Sad white girl classics. Leah thought of Emily's old habits and wanted to throw up. She'd have to say something to her later.

Seth came up to Leah and tapped her shoulder. "Hey, I'll see you later," he told her as he headed to the door. Embry followed behind him.

"Where are you going?" Leah asked Seth.

"Embry's house."

"For what? You know Mom's gonna be mad."

"Mom doesn't care," he said. "We both know that."

"She'll care tonight."

"Look, Embry really needs me over at his house. We're kind of working on something important."

"Whatever, then," Leah said. "It's your ass."

He and Embry left. Paul and Jacob followed soon after.

"Boring already?" Leah asked Paul. They were neither on bad terms nor good ones; they no longer had any terms. It was like he was trying to erase their history by merely ignoring her, and she hated it. She was fond of still talking, still acting like they hadn't fallen out because she hated silence. She hated the idea of falling out more than anything because she hated feeling regretful.

But it was all over now. They had nothing. Now he treated her like he would treat anyone else. He treated her like he had never sought safety in her, likely to protect his own pride since she was so good at destroying it. If she didn't love him as much as she did, she'd see him the same way everyone else saw him: as a jerk.

"Food's gone," he told her as some sort of half-assed explanation. He didn't even wish her a happy birthday. She bit the inside of her cheek, tasting blood.

I fucking hate you.

He and Jacob departed, leaving the girls and Quil, who quickly ran out after Paul and Jacob with his boom box in hand, trying to catch a ride home.

"This is the worst fucking birthday," Leah said to nobody in particular as she turned up the TV. Selena was still on, and Leah's least favorite part was playing. Selena didn't catch the white rose a fan threw to her onstage, and Leah knew the end was near. She felt so sick that she couldn't even eat her slice of cake.

Even though she had seen the movie too many times, Leah couldn't force herself to watch the ending without crying.

A/N: I'll update soon. Heads up: Bella x Edward. (I promise he won't be around that much. I don't like him, either. He's very temporary in this story, though.)

HS