Prompt: Ok ok since you loved doing this. Twist my arm won't you? 😆 "I watched you disappear, all that's left is the ghost of you."
Zhat awkward moment when the Groupie is more Morbid than Morbid. :?
Robotic. That's what this is called. Doing things without telling yourself to do it - donning the uniform blindly, driving to work absent-mindedly, doing everything that you're told without thinking twice. That's precisely what you're doing. Someone could ask you to jump off a cliff and you would do it. You truly would. That's how empty you feel inside, that's how shallow you are right now.
But that's the only way you could cope with this. To think would be to allow thoughts about what happened, and that would bring on these thoughts that would take you all your emotional strength to push back to the corner of your mind. You can't afford the luxury of letting your mind wander, because that would take you to the one thing you'd rather not think off now.
You can notice all the changes though - vividly. Everyone's voices are sort-of muted, distant. Everything you're doing is done for the sake of it. You can't help it. Whether you want to deal with it or not - there's reminders everywhere. In fact, you really shouldn't be here in the precinct at all.
"Gail - head over to the lab with this." Sam shoves into your hand with in an urgent tone and your rush down there immediately.
Handing over the samples to the new pathologist, you sink into a nearby chair as the realization finally hits you.
What were you thinking coming here.
It doesn't take much for the thoughts to start creeping in now. You can feel Holly, you can feel that warmth she brought out in your bones whenever you thought of her, you can taste her lips, you can feel her whispers resonating in your ear.
And then you remember the events of a month back and it sucks the wind out of your lungs. It's surreal truly - feels like a choke-hold along something weighing down on your shoulders. It's like the continuous extension of the moment when someone hits you on the back of your head with a crow bar - this confusion, this momentary amazement and dread. And you're close to falling to your knees when you finally get the results and slump your way out of lab.
The minute you're out of the lab though? You're running. Running fast. Which is absurd because you never ran - Holly was the one who usually -
You have to stop at that thought and do something else. All your thoughts lead to Holly and you can't help it. It wasn't something you could help if everything thing in sight reminded you of her.
You find Sam in the interrogation room, and you sneak in to the little ante room on the otherside of the glass where Traci and Nick are engrossed in the investigation. You flop down into a chair setting the lab results on the table and decide to pay attention to the case. Except you can't. And this is a case you want to know the answers to. The bastard who took away the woman you loved was on the other side of that glass ,but you're past feeling enraged.
Holly takes over your thoughts once again, and you give in this time. You can't fight it. If this was your brain refusing to admit the truth so be it. It was real a few months ago. She was right here, in this very interrogation room, rambling and then kissing you. She was right here, why couldn't she be here again. You can feel her weight on your lap, feel her fingers through your hair. Yet, you clutch the arm of the chair tighter, in pain, knowing that you couldn't really do this. You just couldn't.
"Stop haunting me." you whisper to no-one in particular, in some wild hope that it helped.
Holly was straddling Gail's lap, running her fingers through that short blonde hair. She could hear Gail very well, but she really couldn't help what she was doing.
"I'm trying my best Gail." she sighed under her breath, not really sure if Gail could hear her.