(Hey guys, just wanted to say, i decided to split the final episode into two, so you guys don't have to wait too long, and also to get some opinions on my experimental, combination of serious and comedic writing. I tried to make the plot as weird as possible while still maintaining enough realism as to not make this a Monty Python sketch and instead a proper story. Tell me what you think. Regards, super nervous writer. )

Razed vehicles lay strewn across the dirt path.

Around lay unconscious White Fang men, some still in their seats, while others were positioned chest up on the ground.

Fire crackled merrily in various places surrounding them.

Night had fallen like a stone, and the jet black sky was dotted with brilliantly twinkling stars.

Pyrrha, Jaune, Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Professer Ozpin and Qrow sat on roughly hewn, makeshift logs encompassing a burning campfire.

After Roman had been carried away to his death, the two adults had found the team and helped to defeat the rest of the White Fang convoy. They had left none conscious, save Cinder and Adam, who had managed to overpower them and escape.

Ozpin gazed up at the stratosphere in deep thought.

It was expected that Adam was formidable, but as for Cinder…

How had she gotten that powerful?

That woman would mean a big problem for them. Once she got his hands on Jaune's balls…game over, for all of Remnant.

He tapped his long finger on the cragged surface of the log.

"Where is Yang?" Qrow mused softly. The orange light from the campfire lit up a side of his weathered face, giving him a ominous appearance.

"She'll be fine." Ruby looked up from her boots.

Ruby always had an unbreakable confidence in her sister. Yang was like her angel, coming in to rescue and look after her. A bully had once cornered her, demanding for her lunch money. But Yang was there, hair flaming more ferociously than the fire she had before her now. And the bully ran.

Ran, ran, ran. And never bothered her again.

If there was one undisputed fact to her, it was that Yang was one tough cookie.

MMMMH. Cookies. Delicious, warm, homemade cookies with a sprinkle of chocolate chips that melted in your mouth. Ruby could really do with some cookies. How many days had it been since her last one? 3?

That was terrible.

"I know she will be." Responded Qrow, but his brow still remained wrinkled with worry.

They sat there a little longer in sustained silence, listening to the roaring fire mellow to a gentle crackle.

The 7 were in a situation that was waaaay out of their league. The witch had immeasurable power. And if Yang had gotten in her way…

Chances were that she wouldn't make it.

Suddenly, the leaves behind Ruby shuffled vigorously. The racket of snapping twigs and scuffling overgrowth echoed around the canopy.

Crescent Rose snapped to attention in Ruby's palm. CHHHH LINK.

Glinting mechanics and cogs of the sniper/scythe rolled and clicked into place, the resonance of it reminiscent of a shotgun reloading.

When the two sister heard it for the first time, even Yang couldn't disagree. The sound was badass as hell.

The gang got into strategic position, surrounding the source of the sound.

"Get ready!" Qrow yelled.

They needed no warning. For all they knew, it could be Cinder and Adam.

A flash of glowing yellow, a smell of gunpowder and a figure flew from the bushes and crumpled into the middle of the defensive circle like a deflated balloon.

"YANG!" Blake exclaimed loudly, rushing to her teammate's aid without a second of hesitance.

Yang was down on all fours, clothes torn and hair unusually mangled.

"What happened?" Weiss asked, almost in an interrogational voice.

"Fuck…" Gasped the blonde girl desperately. "Guys." She tried but failed to stand up. Instead, she fell onto her rear and settled on looking up at her friends. "I need to tell you something."

( Meanwhile, deep in the heart of the jungle… )

Cinder took long strides over the overgrown floor, with Adam at her heels.

They had been so close, so close to the target. And a group of assholes ruin it all. Not only have they lost an entire squad of soldiers, not to mention their vehicles, Roman had, for some reason, been taken away and brutally eaten by a massive bird.

She had tracked the beast down as fast as she could, as Torchwick was a valuable ally, and she had made it to the thing's nest, but alas. The Nevermore had torn him into bird food.

Fire tore away his, and his family's entire universe, but there was only so much Cinder could do. Killing his killer would not resurrect Torchwick.

"Shit…" She cursed under her breath, the hem of her dress catching onto a mischievous thorn.

Adam drew out his sword, but Cinder waved him away, eying his blade with apprehension.

"No time for saving my dress Adam. We have some little meddling kids to kill, and a ballsack to retrieve."

"Cinder." Adam enquired. "How exactly are you going to get the ballsack?"

"Simple." Cinder applied an evil, but undeniably sexy grin onto her face. "I'll just kill her."

( Back with our protagonists… )

An uncanny silence reined in the makeshift campsite.

Yang had just finished telling every singular detail about her encounter with the witch, and it left the group stunned.

"That woman has your mother?!" Qrow yelled in anger "I am so going to fucking gut her!"

"That bitch has it coming." Jaune nodded firmly.

"Let's break her legs!" Ruby squealed, quoting a famous line from Nora Valkary, a fellow student of Beacon and friend.

"But wait." Ozpin interrupted. "Killing her would effectively kill Ms Xiao Long's mother."

The excitement died as fast as it came.

"Exactly." Yang cried in the silence "So what can we do?!"

While the other scratched their chins and muttered dubiously, Ozpin offered his hand to the blonde huntress.

Ozpin straightened up to his full, impressive height.

"What we do, Ms Xiao Long?" He pushed his silver spectacles up the bridge of his nose sternly with his index finger. "We negotiate."

( Later… )

Asshole the Witch stood in the centre of a ruin. The ruin of an old Vacuo fort to be exact.

She looked down at the floor : cracked and splintered marble that had once been polished and beautiful.

And next to her…Raven. Yang's mother.

She reached into the pocket of the robes she donned. Felt something round and smooth. And pulled it out.

And in her palms… the two round, perfectly symmetrical balls of the Arc family, only slightly bigger than actual testicles. They were of solid silver, and gleamed with a certain magical aura that sprung joyfully off its surface. Her own little curse. Nothing to be proud of.

The balls felt metallic to the naked palm. And it looked like nothing more than glowing paper weights to the untrained eye.

Asshole closed her fist around it.

No way she was going to let anyone take it. Not that she needed it for mass destruction, no, but for what she had been using it for all these centuries.

They made killer pinballs.

Oh, how other witches loved them. ( The balls ) It gave Asshole the Witch great pride to be in possession of them. And no other witch or wizard had thought of enchanting human body parts.

So these were clearly some balls to hold on to.

She began to pace the once grand floors of the fort, letting the soft tapping of her black shoes echo around the ruined walls of the structure.

Other than that, once again, silence filled the air.

Silence.

Asshole enjoyed that. It was something under appreciated by the rowdy, stupid people of today. And something that witches like herself rarely could indulge in, due to their chaotic lives.

A brush of wind.

Thats all it took for her to realise that she wasn't alone in the room.

"Witch."

The voice was authoritative and unforgiving. The voice of a fool who though she had more power than she really possessed.

"Yes?" The sorcerous spun round sedately. Calmly.

Cinder Fall and Adam Tarus faced her, each with their weapon out.

Adam had his long, shimmering red blade out and by his side, and fire gleamed maliciously on Cinder's hands.

"You're going to give us those balls." Adam said. "NOW."

Their opponent took a few relaxed steps towards them, hands crossed. She looked them in the eye.

"Now why on Earth would i do that?"

"Because…" Cinder answered, keeping her voice as neutral as possible "If not…I'll kill you." Her voice vibrated with extreme joy. She was finally about to get Jaune's nards.

The sorcerous smiled graciously, and put the balls back in her pocket leisurely, while waving her hand at Raven, causing her body to disappear. Yang's mother would be of no use to her. At the moment.

She leant the smallest bit forward, and said her words slowly, and gently.

"Go ahead love."

"So be it." Cinder replied, with identical casualness in her tone. They could have been discussing the weather. "So be it."

She repeated, and hardened her gaze.

Immediately, the atmosphere thickened, and the air got warmer.

A jet of bright orange light soared from Cinder's palms. A wave of a hand, a slash of silver light, and the attack was deflected.

Adam darted at Asshole ( The witch ), and swung his sword. From her robes, his enemy withdrew a gleaming staff that parried his lunge.

Targus growled, and twisted his wrist, leaned his weight right, employing the ancient Mantle technique of balance. Asshole recoiled and struck low, but missed.

A bar of dazzling flame singed the tip of her dark hair.

Cinder ran right, then left, then right, bobbing and weaving in order to confuse Asshole. And confuse her she did.

"WTF!" Asshole whined "How the hell did you do that?!"

Adam's sword cut across her shoulder, and the cold sting of the open air rushed in the wound.

The witch thrust the tip of her staff into his gut, and urged her aura to heal the cut.

Another beam of fire flew at her, but this time, it struck home.

Hitting her squarely in the chest, inferno wrapped around her and knocked her to her knees. The floor beneath her sizzled and crackled under the heat.

Gasping in pain, Asshole muttered disdainfully. "When had these people started getting so powerful? Back in my day they were like goddamn apes."

Rolling and dodging a swing from Adam, she quickly got back on her feet and shot a curse from her hand aimed at Cinder, but she disappeared and the hex bounced harmlessly off the wall.

Adam kicked her shin, making her cry out in pain, and a quick flourish of his katana cleaved the staff into halves.

Cinder reappeared behind her and slammed her to the floor.

The two of them had been too much for the sorcerer.

"Fuck you…" Wheezed Asshole the witch, who was aching all over. Maybe she was too old for combat, she thought sadly.

Adam seized the hood of her cloak and pulled, tearing it clean off her body. Shaking it roughly, two round objects fell out and onto the ground with a soft clack.

Cinder smiled ruefully at the shaking body of her fallen foe, and reached for the balls, but at the last second…

BA-BANG

Smoke rose from the area.

A bullet shot the balls out her her reach. A cheer of a young girl followed.

Ruby stood, framed at the entrance of the old castle, Crescent Rose trained directly at the place where the genitals had been.

"Meddling bitch." Adam barked, but a loud sound of a weapon arming cut him off.

The wall behind him exploded and crumbled in a cloud of dust. Yang walked through it, face steely.

"No one, calls my sister, a bitch." Her now fully functioning gauntlets whirred in furious agreement. Yang thanked her lucky stars she remembered how to repair her weapon. It was odd, as she rarely remembered schematics.

Cinder still had her calm smile. "You think two sisters and a senile old hag can defeat two of the most feared warriors in all of Remnant?!"

As if on cue, Pyrrha, Jaune, Blake appeared behind Yang, each equally serious.

Ozpin, Weiss, and Qrow appeared being Ruby, weapons out.

"No." Jaune's voice was shaky. "We…" He guestured proudly around at his friends, teacher, and well…Qrow.

"We, can defeat you."

Pyrrha looked up at him with awe. In fact everyone did, even Asshole the witch. A man who looked, and was, timid, careful, and nervous now was bold, brave and stood, weapon out, held with a confident hand.

Adam and Cinder reevaluated their opponents. Their opponents did the same.

Asshole arose and walked to Yang's side.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Yang hissed

"I'm helping." Asshole replied, but with a grim tone.

They grouped together to form a semi-circle around Cinder and Adam, who did the same.

In the middle of their circle : the Arc family testicles.

"You think you can win this fight?" Ozpin taunted Cinder.

"I know i can win." Cinder corrected sweetly.

They continued to circle each other, each side prowling around, all the while maintaining a perfect circle. This was a showdown. A Mexican standoff.

Tension was being increased, like the pressure of a bowstring on a tightening bow, one that was pulled back as far as it could.

"What's the use of all that training Adam…?" Qrow taunted. "You got skills, but nothing else."

He knew Adam only through stories and incidents, and never actually met him face to face before, but he knew enough to insult him.

"You got nothing. No family, no friends."

"I don't need either." Adam snapped. "They're for the weak. The strong can survive by themselves."

"Say that to yourself every night at the mirror?" Qrow sneered.

"Its a pity." Adam replied, "All those nights partying, all those one night stands…could never get you anyone. Or maybe you were too drunk to try."

Qrow's cheeks flushed, but his expression said nothing of embarrassment.

He gripped his scythe, his eyes wide, like a snake poised to strike.

"Careful…" Adam jeered. "If you lost your temper like you did in those stories i've heard of you, you'll be even more of a disappointing uncle. Can't even spend a day sober, and gets into mindless fights all the time."

"I'll strangle you with your intestines." Qrow seethed.

Still moving sideways, each party kept the same distance away from each other, each person so focused on the other, nothing could break their concentration.

The situation reminded Ruby of old Western movies, where the good dude and bad, ugly dude would circle each other in a minute of condensed rage, and then, all hell would break loose.

"It all comes down to this, doesn't it?" Cinder cackled, with a mad look rising in her eyes.

"Yup." Asshole the witch snarled. "Your final hour."

"I think you have us confused, darling!" Cinder whispered, a psychotic tone in her voice. She was ready to kill, and kill without hesitation.

The pair of shining balls winked at them. It was now or never. Jaune held his crappy sword above his head, and yelled as he charged. The circle broke, and like Ruby had anticipated, all hell broke loose.

( I hope I didn't fuck up with this chapter. )