Prompt: (Letter To) Open when you need to laugh. Golly!

Dear Gail,

Whatever follows is for your eyes only and if this information gets out in anyway - I will kill you. And no one will be ever able to find any evidence of it, trust me.

So, without further ado

My Short-lived stint as a Stand-up Comedian.

(If you're sniggering already you put this letter down, NOW!)

Now, this was a time when I was looking for my cool 'thing'. You know - some people are really good at poker, some people are amazing at darts - I lack the ability to bluff without snorting out loud (as you know - when you won five rounds of strip poker back-to-back) and my aim isn't that great. So I thought to myself - I would be a terrific stand-up comedian. I figured - well all the lesbians do it - maybe it is some common trait we share. (It's not. It's NOT.)

You have no idea how seriously this idea gripped me. I had this brilliant thought that my bit could be the Nerd version of Stand-up. Minus all the comic book/ Star Wars references. (Which is in-fact was a recipe for disaster.) But I was naive, and full of dreams of how the Stand-up business could do with some really cool science stuff. (The Stand-up business is just fine the way it is - could have used a bit more insight on that.)

So, one night at the local bar, it was open mike night, and me with my Dutch courage assumed this would be a GREAT time to out try my new idea.

And I was hilarious. If I were the audience that night - I would have outright enjoyed every one of those jokes.

I was dishing out the classics here! The electrons at the bar, the h-2-o-2, and a lot of my own jokes as well – the bit about how taxidermy was similar yet different from forensic pathology, this absolute gem on about how you could soon just get drunk right from the fuel tank, how plants are way more organized than animals even at the cellular level. (I worked very hard on those jokes!)

You do know that alcohol impairs judgement right? Well I thought I was an absolute hoot. But the patrons of the bar thought otherwise.

So, there I was - rather intoxicated and completely oblivious to the fact that I was being booed off the little stage, I kept rambling on (I would NOT have stopped for anything, I was on a roll!)

It wasn't until popcorn landed in my hair did I realize that my jokes were being wasted on the rather dim crowd, so I took the hint. Which - I don't know kind of threw me off balance. So, finishing up with a splendid pun - I did my best of haughtily walking off the stage like a diva.

Which actually was me tripping right off the stage - face first into the floor.

And can you believe those buggers - they laughed at that! Instead of all the brilliant jokes I came up with - they laughed at the drunk girl falling flat on her face. THAT was the funny part. Pfft.

So - that's when I decided that my glorious sense of humour was far too advanced for the human race - and gave up on that.

There ended my dreams of being an amazing stand-up comedian.

But I would absolutely kill at hosting the Nobel Prize ceremony and you know that.

Hope that made you laugh honey.

Love you.

Holly.

Ps. No questions on this will be entertained. Ever.