Chapter Ten – Broken Strings.
"I found him in an underground station, one that hadn't been used for ages. I had no idea he'd been coming here until I'd gotten that note." Magnus started, his gleaming cat's eyes staring into the distance as he recalled the day he had found Alec going to visit Camille.
"Note from who, may I ask?" Tessa asked, clearly paying attention to every word Magnus was saying.
"It was from Camille." Magnus sighed, staring down at his hands now.
"Magnus you know better than to trust Camille's words!" Tessa said, "What did it say?"
"She told me Alec had been to visit her a few times and they'd discussed me. My immortality to be exact. She told me that Alec wanted to take it away and that he had struck a bargain with her." Magnus sighed, "At first I didn't want to believe her, it couldn't be true. But when I got there he was there."
"And you instantly took that to mean he'd agreed to let your immortality be taken?" Tessa questioned, "What did he say?"
Magnus shook his head, talking about Alec hurt, it meant tearing down walls he'd fought so hard to put in place, tears pricked his eyes, "He apologised over and over, he tried to explain."
"And?" Tessa asked, Magnus looked up at her then. He didn't really want to be having this conversation but he knew that Tessa would be the only one who was even remotely able to understand him, after all she had loved Will. Magnus sighed, clasping his hands tightly before speaking. Even to himself his voice sounded uneven, "I told him that I'd be out of my apartment all day and that he should go and get his things, leaving the key behind… I told him it was over and that I didn't want to see him again or any of his friends." Magnus's hands shook violently as the tears fell from his eyes, "I placed all the blame on him, telling him that he didn't trust me enough when really I was the one who didn't trust him!" He ducked his head, running trembling hands through his hair and shedding glitter. It was his fault he'd placed all of the blame onto Alec's shoulders, it was his fault. He'd broken the strings holding him and Alec together.
As promised Catarina met Jace and Isabelle in the lobby of the hospital, she beckoned to them and they followed her down the corridor and into an office which even had a hospital bed in it. One of Catarina's colleagues was stood by the door watching in case Alec tried to make an escape. Catarina nodded to them and they left the room, leaving her Isabelle, Jace and Alec in the room. Alec was staring up at the ceiling of the room, unmoving, he didn't even look around when Isabelle and Jace entered. His damp hair was plastered to his face and neck and his normally shining blue eyes looked dull and lifeless as though all the light had been taken from them. His face was pale and drawn; a sick bowl was beside his right side on the bed, one hand was cradled limply around it. "Alec?" Isabelle whispered, "Alec please talk to us. Don't shut us out. We want to help." She stepped forward slightly but stopped as Jace rested a hand on her elbow, he shook his head.
He turned his attention to Catarina, "What happened?" He asked, his voice cracking with withheld emotion. "What's wrong with him?"
"He's suffering from depression, Jace," Catarina said with a sympathetic smile, "I found him while I was on my way home, he was sat out in the rain drinking from bottles of wine. He didn't speak for a while and when he did he said…"
"I said: 'I can't relax! I can't rest! It never leaves! The memories, the pain they never fade! I hate it! I hate myself! This is my fault!'" Alec whispered, his voice dry and cracked, he still wasn't looking at them. "I can give him anti-depressants. But you'll have to keep a close eye on him, a very close eye!" Catarina warned, handing Isabelle a bottle of pills, "Make sure he takes them." Jace moved towards his Parabatai and sat on the edge of the bed, staring down into Alec's face, he took one of his brother's hands in his. "How are you feeling?" He asked a tear slipping from the corner of his eye, "Alec… please… don't leave me in the dark like this…"
"You do it all the time, Jace." Alec muttered.
"But you're not me. You're better… so much better than me." Jace muttered, the tears falling faster down his face.
"But I'm not though, Jace. It's more than just paper cuts now." Alec sighed, closing his eyes and falling asleep, Jace jumped down off the edge of the bed wiping away tears, "Sleep my friend. My brother. My Parabatai."
"Magnus," Tessa whispered, "there's still time to fix this between you and Alexander. It can still be fixed." Magnus shook his head, "There's no time. He won't want me back no matter how much I beg. I've hurt him too badly for him to just forgive me."
"If he feels as you do, he'll forgive you." Tessa smiled.
"When did you get so wise? Or have I simply never noticed it before now?" Magnus questioned.
"I've had a lot of time to read." Tessa said smiling.
"Thank you Tessa." Magnus said standing up from the chair he was sat in, "Now, I'm going to take a walk and decide what I'm going to do next. So if you will excuse me." Magnus said, leaving Tessa in the dining hall alone and heading out through the front door. The night was cool, not almost as busy as New York where even at this late hour you would still find people walking the streets. It had been a long time since Magnus had last been in London and he was surprised that he could still remember his way around from that one time he had brought Alec on a tour of London. He glanced up at the starry sky and tried to imagine what it was that Alec was doing now.
"I've had a Portal set up to here so that Maryse will be able to pick the three of you up from here." Catarina said as she turned to face Isabelle, "She'll be here as soon as possible." Jace was on the phone, no doubt to Clary, nodded as he tapped on the screen and put the phone in Alec's hand - who was now awake. "Talk to Clary. She's been worried about you."
"You tell her." Alec said trying to give Jace back the phone.
"No chance Gideon." Jace said, steering Isabelle and Catarina out into the corridor so they wouldn't be overhearing, besides Jace didn't think he could bear to hear any more about today. Suddenly a strong blast of cold air blew through the corridor and Maryse Lightwood stepped out from the Portal that had opened in the wall. "Where is he? Where's Alexander?" She demanded, her face was pale and her lip was bitten and her hands trembled as she stared between Jace, Isabelle and Catarina. Maryse stepped forward hugging Isabelle and Jace as she waited for the answer. "He's on the phone in there mom." Isabelle whispered, "We tried. We really did."
"I know you did." Maryse whispered back.
"Hi Clary." Alec muttered as the phone was finally answered on the other side of the phone line. "Oh my god! Alec! Hi!" Clary practically screamed down the phone, "How are you? Are you alright? What's going on? Jace only told me a little bit, are you okay?"
"Clary slow down. I can barely understand all of that let alone answer you." Alec sighed, "I'm okay, I guess. I'm not sure. There are just times when I feel happy and others when I'm sad and yet I'm still wondering how my emotions can be a roller coaster. At the moment I'm in the hospital with Jace and Isabelle."
"What happened?"
"I was found sitting on the corner of the street by Catarina, drinking, and she brought me back here. She says I'm depressed. But it doesn't feel like I am. I just feel empty." He sighed.
"Oh Alec." Clary said, desperately sounding like she was about to burst into tears, "I'll come and visit you. Don't go anywhere!"
"If I tried, I think Jace would actually break my legs." Alec joked, but his heart wasn't really in it.
"Okay see you in a bit." Clary said before she ended the call.
Clary ran into the hospital closely followed by Simon, both of them had gotten a lift from Luke who was sat in the car reading. Catching sight of Jace and Isabelle stood outside a room with Catarina and Maryse Lightwood, they found Alec's room easily enough. "Can I go and see him?" She asked, skidding to a halt in front of them. Catarina paused in talking to Maryse Lightwood, nodded and opened the door for her to enter. The moment the door had shut Clary ran over and hugged Alec, tears were threatening to spill over her eyelids. "Thank you." Alec whispered, as he hugged her back.
"You're my best friend Alec, I wouldn't leave you to go through this on your own!" She said, standing back and brushing impatiently at her eyes.
"I like this Alec. He gives hugs a lot more non-awkward then he used to. Do I get one?" Jace's voice called from the doorway.
"Yes, but this Alec isn't staying." Alec said, outstretching his arms Jace stepped into the hug.
"I hope the hugs stay though." Jace muttered and Alec laughed. The laugh sounded almost normal.
The three of them pulled back just as the door opened to let Simon into the room, "Well, darn! I just missed out on getting a rare hug from Alec Lightwood."
"Too bad Si." Clary laughed, "He's actually a good hugger."
"Maybe I could…?" Simon started but was cut off as Alec shook his head, "Sorry Simon. We're all out of stock at the moment." Simon sighed as Jace said, "You know Maryse is out there right?" Alec stared at the open door said trying to see his mom stood there, listening, they could hear her voice floating through the open door. "Oh no. No, no, no, no. She can't be home." Alec muttered shaking his head, his fists clenching his midnight black hair. Jace frowned, "Alec? Alec what is it?"
"She can't be home. She can't. No." Alec muttered his eyes clenched shut. Jace shot Clary a helpless glance and she rubbed Alec's shoulders comfortingly. "Why don't you want your mom home, Alec?" She asked, looking at Simon who crossed the room to shut the door. "Why is she here?" Alec whispered, "She wasn't supposed to be here!"
"She's worried about you!" Simon added.
Alec shook his head violently, "You're wrong! She's here to prove a point!"
Jace's frown grew deeper, "Prove a point? What do you mean?"
Maryse was growing impatient as Catarina explained Alec's situation. She just wanted to see her son and explain to him, make him see that she had been right, that everyone had been right when Alec had kissed Magnus in front of everyone. People had said he was going to get hurt, that he should have found himself a nice Shadowhunter girl. Not a Warlock, and Magnus Bane at that. She tapped her foot on the tiled hospital flooring, ignoring Catarina's words, Jace and Clary and the other boy had gone into room where Alec was. "You have to make sure that he takes those anti-depressants at least twice a day." Catarina finished and Isabelle nodded, she'd been paying attention. Maryse turned to face her daughter, "We'd best go and get your brother then." Isabelle nodded, letting her mom pass in front of her and into the room before following her. "I'll explain at home. My room." Alec said as the door opened and Maryse stepped into the room.
"Explain what?" She snapped, glaring around at the room before turning her harsh eyes on Alec who paled further. "N-Nothing." He whispered, standing up from the bed.
"Good. Come on. I'll have a word with you at home!" Maryse said, gripping Alec's right elbow tightly, "Jace!" She snapped when he didn't follow, directly behind, her from the room. Clary sent Alec a reassuring smile as he passed her and Simon.
The journey home in Catarina's car was a silent affair for the Lightwoods. Jace was sat behind Alec, staring at the back of his Parabatai's head. Clary, as promised, was following in the car behind them, he knew because she had texted him. Jace glanced over at Isabelle who was staring absentmindedly out of the window, Jace tapped her shoulder. "You okay?" He whispered.
She shrugged, "You should ask that to Alec." It was true. Alec had fallen unnaturally silent on the way back to the Institute, his eyes glassy and he stared out of the window without really seeing anything; he was constantly scratching at his left shoulder. Jace stared up at the rear view mirror, watching Maryse's emotions flit across her eyes. Shame. She was ashamed. Jace glared at her through the mirror, "Don't give me that look Jace!" She snapped, turning the car into the drive at the Institute, she glanced over at Alec, "Out and into the library! I want a word!" Alec clambered silently out of the car without looking at any of them. Jace still continued to glare at Maryse, "You're not helping him, you know. Treating him like that! You have no idea what he's been through while you and Robert have been lording it up in Idris! No idea!" Jace snapped, his gold eyes flashing brightly in anger.
"Lording it up? Is that what you think we've been doing?!" Maryse questioned, an eyebrow raised, her anger barely contained.
"You haven't called once! To see how any of us were! And if you really cared for Alec you wouldn't care if he was gay! You'd love him anyway!" Jace yelled leaping out of the car door and slamming it shut behind him, Isabelle followed him.
Maryse ducked her head, placing it on the steering wheel. Trying to slow her breathing back to a normal pace she climbed out of the car, locked it and headed into the Institute. She'd return the car to Catarina later, regardless of whether she'd need it before then. She walked up to the doors of the Institute wondering what she'd say to Alec. All that she had been going to say to him had flown from her mind after her argument with Jace. She stepped through the library doors, Alec was sat on one of the chairs in front of the desk. The expression of defeat and sorrow on his face nearly broke Maryse's stone cold heart. "Alexander," She said, staring at her son as she took her place behind the desk.
"Don't bother explaining. I already know what you're going to say. That you told me I'd get hurt. That I should have fallen in love with a Shadowhunter girl. That Max would be as disappointed in me as you are. You and dad." Alec said, tears filling his blue eyes.
"Max would never think that." Maryse whispered.
"Did you even think about us once?" Alec asked, "Did you ever wonder how we were coping? The truth is, we're not. But we have to. Jace is the son you wish you had, the brother Max wished he had. Isabelle has blamed herself ever since. And me? I'm just the family disappointment. I always have been." Alec stood, walking towards the door.
"Alexander!" Maryse called after his retreating figure.
"Don't!" Alec said, "I don't want to hear it. You know what I said is true. You even think it yourself. You didn't have to come back at all. I'm sorry." He let the door slam shut behind him. Maryse sat staring at the door, tears making her eyes glint, "I'm sorry." She whispered, but no one was there to hear it, only shadows and books.