The Long And Winding Road

Notes: The usual disclaimers apply, and remember that all episodes that came after "Holiday" and "This Charming Man" aren't canon in this story.

Chapter 64 -- Peace Of Mind

Looking up at Alex standing on his stoop, JT reached the front steps and hoped his face wasn't betraying to her how much her unexpected presence was alarming him. Sure, this wasn't Jay – the one who had intruded on his dreams more than once since the stabbing. But she wasn't someone JT intended to welcome with open arms.

"I guess telling you that you're not welcome here won't matter," JT said, trying to sound calm.

Alex looked at him. Though she hardly knew JT, she could always tell when someone was feeling nervous or uneasy around her.

"I've heard worse," she responded. "After all, I've worked in sales."

"Yeah, I think Sean mentioned that to me awhile back," JT commented. "You going door to door. Well whatever you're selling, I'm not buying."

"I quit that job for a better one," she informed him. "But none of that is why I'm here."

"I didn't think so."

JT told himself that no matter what was about to happen, he wasn't going to let fear control him. Then he wondered if he could actually believe such a thing.

"So what's it going to be, Alex?" he asked, maintaining eye contact with her as he tentatively walked up the front steps and joined her on the stoop.

"What are you talking about?" the dark-haired young woman asked.

"Your revenge weapon of choice for the evening," he explained. "A pocket knife seems too boring for you. Did you bring a machete? Maybe a gun?"

"I…"

"I know," he continued. "Your earrings. Maybe they're razor sharp and you're going to toss them at me. Maybe sever my head and then mail it to the prisoner as part of a care package to cheer him up."

"Look…"

"You know, those earrings really ARE big," JT observed while looking at her. "Almost like they could be hula hoops for guinea pigs."

"If you'd shut up for a second," she spoke up quickly after he'd finished, "I'd tell you why I'm here."

Tense, JT tightened his grip on the empty plastic Coke bottle in his hand while wishing he were just about anywhere else at that moment.

"I saw Jay today," Alex revealed.

Meanwhile at the Nelson/Simpson home, Snake was sitting on the living room couch watching TV while Spike sat beside him with pen and paper in hand. She had intended to make a list of errands she needed to take care of the following morning before going to the salon. Instead, she'd merely been staring down at a blank page for the past ten minutes.

"I heard it, and I still can't believe it," she finally uttered, though more to herself than to her husband.

Snake turned his head toward her.

"She speaks!" he announced jokingly.

"Huh?" Spike asked, confused, as she looked up from the blank paper.

"The silence during dinner was deafening," Snake elaborated. "Jack thought we were playing The Quiet Game."

"Sorry."

"No need to be," he assured while pressing the Off button on the television remote control. "It's just a little unusual. Even when something's troubling you, you're seldom quiet about it."

"I'm just…in shock, I suppose," Spike said, trying to put her thoughts into words. "To say that overhearing Emma talk about receiving a marriage proposal caught me off guard would be an understatement."

"Perfectly understandable," Snake responded calmly.

"You know, when Emma told me last night that she had an important decision to make…that she had received an unexpected opportunity…I thought maybe JT had asked her if she wanted to go away for a few days. After all, so much has happened lately. And it IS summer, so a little romantic vacation getaway seems like an obvious choice. I figured she wanted time to think because she needed to make sure that going away together like that felt right to her."

"So that wouldn't have bothered you," Snake noted, trying to understand her reaction.

"Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to know all the intimate details," Spike answered, "but no, it wouldn't have bothered me. It's one thing to spend a few days of fun together. They're both young adults who love each other and have enough sense and education to act responsibly. But to decide right here and now that they're ready to make vows and pledge themselves to one another forever in marriage? That's something else entirely."

"I understand what you're saying," he interjected.

"We live in a society where over half the marriages end in divorce," Spike continued. "Many of them don't work out despite the best of intentions. And others? So many couples treat marriage like they're signing up for a rental car – they want something nice but know going into the deal that it's nothing permanent. And they can quickly get a replacement if anything goes wrong."

"In general I agree," Snake offered. "A lot of people DO tend to take marriage too lightly. But I honestly don't believe that way of thinking applies to Emma and JT."

"I know, but marriage IS something that shouldn't even be considered without a lot of thought. Putting aside how young they both are, it's natural that they might not be thinking clearly right now."

"How do you mean?" he asked.

"The more I think about it, the more it's all starting to make sense to me now," Spike replied. "JT's just come out of a near-death experience. And I know how helpless Emma felt while he was in the hospital. She's like me in how much she dislikes feeling helpless about anything – especially when it concerns someone she loves. It's been a highly emotional time for them. Both the proposal and her seriously considering it…it's possible that this is based on fear."

"Rather than based on love?" Snake challenged.

"I know the love is there, too. No doubt about it. But after having to face your own mortality, it stands to reason you might feel like you have to rush into something that you might otherwise have waited a few more years to do."

"After talking to JT yesterday, I'm confident that's not the reason," Snake countered.

Next came a moment of silence as Spike was surprised to only now learn of this conversation. Then she stood up.

"You've known about this?" Spike asked accusingly. "What happened? Did JT come and ask for your blessing, and then you just happened to forget to mention it to me?"

"Nothing so melodramatic," Snake replied. "And nothing old-fashioned like asking for my blessing. The subject of marriage or a proposal never even came up. Although him proposing to Emma last night does put the talk we had in a clearer perspective."

"Then maybe you can help clear it up for ME," she requested brusquely.

"JT came by the school yesterday morning. We talked about a number of things. Some silly, some serious. His main goal seemed to be to make sure I knew he was doing all right and staying on top of things. His recovery, finances, the business… And especially his relationship with Emma. It was as though he wanted to make sure I still believed in him after everything that had happened to him. Hearing about last night's proposal, I'm thinking that, in addition to confirming my confidence in him, perhaps it was also his way of assuring me that things would be okay if and when he asked Emma to marry him."

Calmer, Spike sat back down on the couch beside her husband.

"Okay, so let's say he HAS given this some thought," she conceded. "Why not wait a few years? Emma can start AND finish college. JT can continue to get used to running his own business. They can use the time to really live life, without the responsibilities and effort that goes into making a marriage – especially a new marriage – work."

"They can still work, go to school and live an interesting and fulfilling life while starting a marriage," Snake offered. "I don't believe it's about age so much as it's about the strength and determination of a couple to make it work. After all, there are some couples in their 30s and 40s who have no business being married. And others start off young and it turns out great. Take the couple who went to Degrassi when we were there…Simon and…"

"Alexa," Spike inserted when it was clear her husband couldn't remember the girl's name.

"Right. They got married at an early age. Still together, last I heard."

"So what you're saying is that you're all for Emma and JT getting married."

"I'm saying that I don't foresee it as something tragic if they choose to get married even though they're young," Snake clarified. "I also think this whole debate is premature. We don't know for certain what decision Emma will make."

He thought for a moment and then started to laugh slightly.

"What?" Spike asked.

"If Emma says 'Yes' to JT, just promise me you're not going to be like the hysterical women in all those movies and TV shows. The kind that run from the back of the church down the aisle screaming right at the moment when the minister is about to pronounce the couple husband and wife."

"Not funny," Spike said, rolling her eyes. "Of course I wouldn't do anything remotely like that. This decision is hers to make and theirs to live with. But that doesn't mean I can't offer them my opinion."

At the Yorke home, JT stood outside looking over at Alex. He took a deep breath, trying to comprehend what he'd just been told.

"Well," he finally said moments later, "I guess they can't keep anyone from escaping nowadays."

"I never said he got out," she clarified. "I went to see him. Visitation."

Though it was quick, Alex could hear what sounded like a sigh of relief on JT's part.

"So he sent you here with some message for me?" JT asked, trying to sound confident. "Knowing him, I bet it's something clichéd like, 'Watch your back. I got people on the outside who can deal with you.'"

"Nobody sends me anywhere," Alex declared. She then paused and almost smiled. "Though that quote does sound like something stupid he'd say if he's had too much to drink."

"Not to be rude – though right now I don't really care if I am or not – but why are you here?"

"I guess you know just how long he's going to be locked up in there, right?" Alex answered with a question of her own.

"I heard," JT replied. "A long time. Not as long as I would've liked, but enough for me to be okay about the whole thing."

"Jay thought for sure you were going to try to keep him from getting to work out a deal," Alex then remarked.

"His confession and the quick deal that came out of it meant I didn't have to spend time in a courtroom watching him make excuses or even try to deny what he did."

"Jay didn't say anything, but I think he was surprised that you never came around to gloat over his being behind bars."

"That's one of the many differences between him and me," JT commented. "Also, unlike him, I'm not a worthless piece of crap. But that's a given. The point is that I'm too busy living my life to waste any of it having one more conversation with him."

This was a rare moment in Alex's life when she didn't have an immediate response to offer. Not that JT's hostility surprised her. The fact was that debating Jay's worth – or lack of it – was not why she had shown up, and she didn't believe that it was something worth discussing.

"So again," JT continued, "why are you here?"

"To let you know that Jay gets it," she revealed. "Or at least he's starting to. It's been years since I've seen him act so quiet and…I don't know…so…aware…as he was when I was talking to him today. Like he gets it that this is all really happening to him and that he finally went too far. Probably helps that he's got nobody left to try to impress and nothing to drink that's going to help him believe he's got some kind of great life."

"Somebody cue up the sad violin music," JT remarked sarcastically.

"I know how it sounds. But I've known the guy most of my life and…"

"Hold up," JT interrupted. "Tell me you're not going to go into a monologue about what a wonderful child he was up until something traumatic happened, and that it's not his fault that he turned out the way he did."

"Nothing like that," Alex responded. "Even when we were kids he could be a real prick a lot of the time."

Hearing that, JT couldn't help but laugh briefly.

"But he's had his good moments, too. Not that he ever makes it easy for most people to notice. Hey, he's my ex, so it's not like I think he's some great person or anything. But I'd never call him evil, either."

"That's okay," JT remarked. "I have a couple of scars underneath this shirt that are only too happy to call him evil."

"Trust me, I'm not here to make a case for him. I just wanted you to know that what he did to you HAS had an effect on him. Way down the road when he finally does get out, he's not going to be coming back to find you or get some type of revenge."

"Don't take it personally, Alex, but I'm sure I'll still try to get some sort of restraining order against him when that day comes. I know that lots of people have it in them to act like human beings. To maybe reform. For some I'm sure it's buried deep inside them, but they can do it if they really want to. Then there are people like him. He can rot in that prison for all I care, because from birth to death people like him are who they are. Nothing more. And they'll never change."

JT pause for a moment and thought about what he'd just said.

"Wow," he then remarked in a more light-hearted tone. "That was deep. Maybe almost getting killed makes a person sound more profound."

"You never know," Alex said in a similarly less serious tone, choosing not to argue with JT on his belief about Jay's potential.

"One last question for you," JT then said. "Even if all of what you're saying is true, why do you care about not wanting me to worry about him coming back and maybe trying some sort of samurai sword stabbing sequel years from now?"

"JT, I may not like a lot of people, but I don't lie to them. Just know that despite everything Jay's done, it really is all over. And no one else but me knows him well enough to tell you that and be certain of it."

There was another moment of silence before JT spoke up.

"You're very unusual," he noted.

"That's a new one," Alex joked. "Most people just call me a bitch. Not that I ever complain about it. I've worked hard for that title."

JT rolled his eyes, resisting the urge to laugh.

"Now that I've said what I came here to say, I'm out of here."

"You're not going to keep visiting him are you?" JT asked as Alex walked down off the stoop. "He IS your ex. Plus, you don't seem dumb, so I can't picture you being like those crazy women you read about who decide to write love letters to serial killers hoping to marry them some day despite the prison bars."

"All true," she conceded. "But if you and the blonde ever broke up…is there anything she could do – no matter how bad a screw-up it is – that could get you to turn your back on her forever?"

As Alex expected, JT couldn't imagine such a possibility and therefore didn't have a response.

"Believe it or don't, but it's good to see that you're back on your feet."

After saying this, Alex walked past JT and down the steps, heading toward the car she had parked on the street along the curb.

As Alex started to drive home, she couldn't get her earlier encounter with Jay out of her mind. Even during their most open and honest moments together throughout the years, she had never seen him look so vulnerable and eager to see a friendly face. It almost made her wish she had visited him sooner. Almost.

The two hadn't spoken in months. She'd given up on him at the same time Sean had. She didn't feel the same regrets that Sean did about the group's activities, and thus never felt like going around trying to make amends to people the way he had. Instead, she walked away because if Jay was going to start using violence on people who had things he wanted, it might not be much longer before he turned that behavior toward her. That was not going to be an option.

Still, they had been close for so long. Alex didn't know which felt worse. Cutting ties with Jay, or the fact that he didn't seem to care in the least once she did. She hadn't looked back even once, though.

But then came that unforgettable night when police officers showed up at her door asking if she knew of Jay's whereabouts. He'd been accused of stabbing Sean's best friend. Possibly killing him. It didn't surprise her that Sean would send the police in her direction to look for information. She was actually surprised to realize Jay HADN'T sought her out, either for help or just as someone he could boast to.

Alex was certain others would doubt it, but she was genuinely glad when she learned that JT had survived. As furious as she was that Jay had finally crossed the line, she didn't want him to actually be a murderer.

In the weeks since the assault, Jay had tried once to contact her, but she refused to speak to him. It was only now, with the all the dust settled, that she had decided to go see him. She'd expected to see the usual smug grin on his face, and then she would call him a complete ass and walk out of his life forever. Again.

However, the expression on Jay's face this day was anything but smug. She didn't feel sorry for him. Not after what he'd done to both JT and to himself. But this was still her friend since childhood, and she couldn't bring herself to hate him. They talked for awhile, and she felt like it was the first real, meaningful conversation they'd had in years. It made her all the more annoyed that it took prison walls for the decent side of him to resurface.

Leaving the prison, she felt like she had to seek out JT. Alex never liked to admit to having feelings of guilt. She tried to live her life on her terms and whatever mistakes she made were hers to deal with and move on. And while she certainly placed all the true blame for this situation on Jay, a small part of her kept returning to the same notion.

The two of them had always tried to look out for one another. Alex thought – right or wrong – that if she had at least remained on friendly terms with Jay after the break-up, things would have turned out different. She felt that there was at least a somewhat better chance that he wouldn't have gotten caught up in the stupid mindset of believing he could stab someone almost to death just because that person was neither impressed nor scared at the very mention of the name Jay Hogart.

As strange as it seemed, Alex needed to see JT. To let him vent about Jay if he wanted to. To try to assure him that, based on what she saw at the prison, the Jay that hurt him was never going to be a problem for him again. To get some sense that he was doing okay after what Jay had done.

Her encounter with JT left her feeling that he would be all right. And that perhaps these guilt-like feelings – which she was certain couldn't actually be guilt – would now subside.

Also, while she wasn't going to make a habit of visiting Jay, she knew she would never be able to completely cut all ties with him. For better or worse, she was his friend. And he was hers.

Coming to a stoplight, Alex checked her rear-view mirror and then shook her head.

"Hula hoops for guinea pigs? These earrings aren't THAT big."

Back at the Yorke home, once Alex was out of sight, JT unlocked his front door and went inside. Shutting and locking the door behind him, he took a deep breath. Then he smiled.

'I did it,' he thought. 'Okay, so she wasn't here to hurt me, but I didn't know that at first. I stayed calm. Didn't try to play it safe and not say what I felt like saying. I didn't crumble. Even worked in a little humor. After everything that's happened… I'm still me!'

Eager to share this feeling of accomplishment, JT walked over to the bar to pick up the phone. But then he remembered Emma's request. No calling her. Calls mean pressure.

'When she's ready to talk, she'll get in touch.'

She hadn't tried to reach him on his cell, and he noticed that no messages had been left on the answering machine even though he had been gone all day.

This had ended up being a completely Emma-free day. He wasn't used to those and he wasn't particularly in favor of them. Still, he refused to feel discouraged. He knew that everything was finally coming together.

Later on at the Nelson/Simpson home, Snake was asleep while Spike lay next to him still awake. Her thoughts were interrupted as she could hear the front door open and close downstairs. Knowing that it had to be Emma, Spike returned to her thoughts. She had things she wanted to say, but it would all have to wait until her daughter opened up the subject for discussion. For now, Spike chose to remain silent. Silent but curious.

Down in the kitchen, meanwhile, Emma stood there thinking that perhaps she should have accepted Manny's offer to drop her off at JT's place instead. Still, she believed that coming home was the right decision. She knew how she wanted to handle this and was determined to stick to it.

'Tomorrow, Jamie,' she thought to herself. 'I just hope that you… No. I know I'm doing the right thing.'

Next Chapter – Tomorrow is here!