The Long And Winding Road
Notes: Major apologies for the unintentionally long delay since the last chapter. First I had computer troubles, then I got sick. Add the usual hectic day-to-day life into the mix and I haven't had much opportunity to continue writing until recently. But things are now back on track as we move closer toward the tail end of this story. Yes, there really IS going to be an ending. However, there are still several chapters, situations and relationships left to deal with. Hope you enjoy the following chapter.
Oh, and now for the obligatory notice… The usual disclaimers apply, and remember that all episodes after "Holiday" and "This Charming Man" aren't canon in this story. (3-28-07)
Chapter 67 -- Hear Ye, Hear Ye
As Liberty walked through the front door of Ryan's Grille on Tuesday morning, she noticed an old acquaintance sitting at the counter drinking a cup of coffee.
"Ashley?"
Ashley turned her head to see Liberty walking towards the counter.
"Liberty…Hi!" she greeted in a cheerful voice as she set her cup down. "How've you been?"
"Doing well. And yourself?"
"I'm good. Seems like it's been forever since we've talked."
"Indeed," Liberty agreed. "Emma told me awhile back that you're really enjoying the university's drama department."
"That's right. Until last semester, I'd never really considered doing theater. I still think singing is my specialty. But there's just something about playing different kinds of characters. Taking on a brand new identity on a regular basis. I think it suits me."
"I'll have to check out one of your performances this Fall."
"That'd be great," Ashley responded. "Hey, why don't you pull up a stool?"
"Thanks, but I'm meeting JT. He should be here any…"
"Did someone mention my name?" a familiar voice interrupted.
Surprised, the two women turned to see JT standing behind Liberty.
"Yes, it's me," he continued in a lighthearted tone. "Try to hold back your applause or we'll be mobbed by all my fans."
"And exactly how many fans DO you have?" Liberty challenged, playing along.
"Well, that's the catch," JT explained. "You see, all my fans are ceiling fans. So getting mobbed by them could get very dangerous. Especially when they're turned on and you're waving your hands in the air."
"I'm almost afraid to ask how many cups of coffee you've had so far this morning," Ashley remarked once both she and Liberty had finished laughing.
"Still waiting to have my first, actually," he responded.
"Okay, you are far too upbeat for this time of the day."
"Ashley, he's no doubt just getting warmed up," Liberty said knowingly.
She then turned back to JT.
"Is that table okay?" she asked him, pointing toward an empty spot several feet away.
"Fine with me."
JT and Liberty then said goodbye to Ashley and were soon sitting down opposite one another at the table. He noticed that she appeared to be studying him.
"Sorry if I startled you over there," JT offered. "I walked in right when you mentioned my name, so it seemed like the perfect jumping-in point."
"You know I don't startle easily," she declared. "I was just thinking that… No, never mind."
"What?" JT asked curiously.
"It's going to sound silly."
"I doubt that. What is it?"
"I've seen you or we've spoken on the phone any number of times in last few weeks," Liberty prefaced. "But today…just moments ago…you looked happier and more energetic than I've seen you since…well, since everything happened. You look like you're on top of the world, and it's great to see that spark again."
Before JT could respond, Mrs. Ryan approached the pair with breakfast menus in hand.
"Good morning," she greeted. "JT, I haven't seen you around here nearly enough lately. Liberty…how are you holding up, dear?"
Liberty hesitated briefly, but then she gave the woman what JT could tell was a fake smile.
"Just fine, Mrs. Ryan," she answered in a polite tone, "and thanks so much for asking."
"Are the two of you ready to order or would you like time to look at a menu."
"Um…I think we'll need a little time," JT suggested. "So menus would be good."
Mrs. Ryan then handed each of them a menu.
"Just take your time, and I'll be back to check on you soon."
"That would be great," Liberty told her, still smiling.
After the woman walked away, Liberty quickly dropped the fake smile.
"Ever have the urge to call someone a bitch even though in all likelihood that person doesn't deserve it?" she then asked JT.
"Um, I've never really thought about it," JT answered, looking slightly surprised. "I know that I've never heard YOU use that word before. And I always figured if you ever wanted to, you'd just use some 12-letter word instead that means the same thing. I don't know of one, but you probably know a lot more 12-letter words than I do."
"I suppose it's not her fault," Liberty considered. "It stands to reason that she'd take her son at his word, despite its complete lack of worth. It's just grating to hear her talk as though I should be devastated now that her son and I are no longer together."
"So that's what all that 'how are you holding up' business was about?"
"I never told you, but the first time Mrs. Ryan saw me after I had ended things with him, she wanted to assure me that I was always welcome here…and that even though her son had ended the relationship, she was still quite fond of me."
"Wait," JT stopped her, a look of confusion on his face. "She thinks he's the one who dumped you, and not the other way around?"
"Oh yes," Liberty confirmed. "She told me that he had explained the circumstances of the break-up to her. Except his explanation involved saying that I was afraid of commitment, and that he decided the best thing for both of us was for him to let me go. If I cared enough to get worked up about it, I'd have enlightened the woman about her son, but what would be the point? In his mind, that erroneous explanation is no doubt a reality. Best to leave it all in the past."
"Absolutely," JT assured. "I'm a big believer in moving forward."
"I know. It's a good attitude to have. Though I worry about you sometimes, JT. After all you've been through…"
"You should know better than that," JT interrupted. "I'm tip-top. The tip-toppiest, as a matter of fact."
Liberty laughed, but JT could tell that she was still concerned.
"I can't undo what happened to me, Liberty" he said in a more serious tone, "but I'm alive, in one piece and trying to live every moment to the fullest."
"Thus the spark I mentioned a few moments ago," she remarked. "Of course you're also the one who has ALWAYS tried to find the fun and enjoyment in every moment."
"See? So everything's business as usual."
"Just do me one favor."
"Aw, c'mon Liberty…I'm already buying you breakfast today," he teased, trying to sound annoyed. "What more could you want?"
"For you to continue to stay alive and in one piece," she answered seriously. "I don't think any of us could take that kind of scare again."
"You have my personal guarantee, Liberty," JT promised, hoping to reassure her. "The only psycho I know is in prison. And I'm not a character on a TV show, so writers looking to do a cheesy ratings stunt can't kill me off. Life is great. Now, let's see what we want and then order. Because after that, I've got some news for you."
Back at the counter, Ashley was finishing a biscuit when she got a call. Swallowing her last bite, she checked her cell and then answered it.
"Morning El," she answered.
"Hey Ash," Ellie said, speaking from her desk at the TV station. "While I'm on a break, I wanted to let you know I made up my mind. I plan on telling JT that I'll participate in the ad."
"I know when we talked last night you were going back and forth about it," Ashley responded, sounding surprised, "but I really didn't expect you to go ahead and do it."
"You're right. It'll be stepping out of my comfort zone in a big way, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Besides, it's not like I'm promoting the latest brand of peanut butter or doing one of those tacky 'this lawyer got me thousands of dollars' commercials. In my own words, I'll get to explain that The Movie Difference is a great place to see quality films, especially when you need a break from the inane crap showing at every mall and cineplex in town."
"I don't think you're allowed to say the word 'crap' in TV commercials," Ashley joked.
"Really?" Ellie questioned, playing along. "That's it, I quit."
Laughing, Ashley turned her head and happened to see JT and Liberty at their nearby table.
"El, don't get mad," she said, becoming more serious, "but I have to ask… You aren't agreeing to do this as just a way to spend time with JT, is it?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Ashley," Ellie replied firmly. "First of all, we already talk on a regular basis. I don't need an excuse to see a friend. Second, I won't be the only one participating in this, so it's not as though it would take up much time even if I did have an ulterior motive. And finally, I've told you before that I put away even the idea of having thoughts for JT that crossed the line beyond friendship. He's completely devoted to someone, and I would never do anything to interfere with that."
"I know you wouldn't," Ashley interjected. "But I also know from personal experience that, regardless of what you've said before, a person can't completely 'put away' feelings. Even though nothing ever came of those feelings, it's not like you can toss them in a box in the back of your closet and forget they ever existed. I just want you to be sure this is something you can do that won't leave you feeling hurt in some way."
"Thanks, Ash. But they ARE put away. In that box. In the back of the closet. Never again to see the light of day. Add to all of this the fact that even though I'm hardly a fan of Emma Nelson, since JT was hurt I can better appreciate the role she plays in his life. Whatever faults she has – and I really don't have the time or interest to list them all – as his girlfriend she's both loyal to and protective of him, and I can't fault her for that."
"All right," Ashley said, recognizing the certainty in her friend's voice. "I'm convinced."
"Good," Ellie responded. "I will admit I probably wouldn't have even considered doing this if he wasn't my friend. But I liked TMD long before our friendship, and I like his ideas for bringing in more customers without sacrificing the things that make going there special."
"Then all I can say is 'have fun.' Do you know when he wants to shoot the ad?"
"No, but it's bound to be in the near future. After all, this is probably one of the biggest things going on in his life right now. If all goes well, I'll stop by TMD on my lunch break and tell him my decision. Maybe he'll have some kind of a time frame in mind."
"What do you mean 'if all goes well?'" Ashley questioned.
"Don't you remember? I said last night that even if I wanted to do this, there would still be one thing I needed to check on first."
The friends soon wrapped up their conversation and Ellie returned to her work. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ryan was leaving JT and Liberty's table, having just taken their orders.
"Here I was expecting you to order yourself some doughnuts and instead you chose blueberry pancakes," Liberty commented to JT once they were alone. "Something is certainly going on with you."
"Blueberries have been good to me, that's all," JT said, remembering how they were part of his recent proposal. "Anyway, it's nice to know I can still keep you guessing."
"So tell me already," Liberty urged. "Is your news related to work or something more personal."
"Well, work IS personal in a way. But not in a bad, workaholic way. And I am meeting Joey Jeremiah for lunch today. Mr. Simpson had suggested it, and I called Joey yesterday morning and set it up. With all the TV ads he's done for his business, he knows good film crews as well as which ones to avoid. But that's not my news. Not even close."
"Do tell…" she encouraged, wondering if her friend's news was what she had started to suspect it might be.
"Okay, okay, enough torture," JT teased. "I invited you to breakfast because you're one of my closest friends and I didn't want to just tell you on the phone. Me and Emma…we're getting married."
Keeping quiet since finding the ring, Liberty had wondered how much longer it would be before there was a new development. Though happy, she wanted to keep her emotions in check for a moment longer.
"Oh?" was her only verbal response.
"Yeah," JT said excitedly. "I asked Emma the other night and yesterday it became official."
"Is that all? I thought you said this was BIG news."
"Seems like major news to me," he protested.
"Not really," she responded, hoping to sound unfazed. "Since the night the two of you finally got together I knew it was inevitable."
Then she smiled.
"No, while it might not make front page headlines, this is certainly big news. Congratulations."
"Thanks," JT said, relieved. "For a moment there I thought you weren't going to reach the appropriate level of enthusiasm."
"It's nice to know I can still keep YOU guessing as well," she kidded him before becoming more serious. "Especially since you HAVE to already know how happy I am for you."
"I do," he confirmed. "Wait…make that 'I know.' Gotta save all my 'I do's' for the wedding."
This made Liberty laugh.
"Now you know public emotional displays aren't my style," she then remarked. "But in this case I've got to make an exception. You're getting a hug."
"Hey, couldn't we just wave to each other from across the table?" he joked, knowing she understood he was only kidding with her.
"Are you sure Emma knows what she's getting herself into by marrying a would-be comedian?" Liberty teased him in return.
"Hey…" JT pretended to be offended. "That's would-be comic genius, thank you very much."
"My mistake," Liberty offered sarcastically.
Moments later, Liberty got up, and then JT stood up as well and met her half way.
"This is a wonderful thing, JT. You know that I wish both of you only the best."
As the friends hugged, Liberty thought about how happy she was for JT. For Emma as well. But recently she had started to wonder whether JT had decided to put proposing on hold following the assault. So she was very glad that he wasn't letting his bad experience deprive him of what she knew he truly wanted.
Liberty was also looking forward to talking to Spinner about this new development, considering they had both known about the ring for awhile and managed to keep it to themselves. Then again, these days Liberty found that she looked forward to any and all interactions she had with Spinner.
What had gone unnoticed, though, was that in the excitement of the moment, Liberty's voice had gotten slightly louder and, sitting several feet away at the counter and about to leave, Ashley unexpectedly overheard her comment about Emma marrying JT. Though pleased for the couple, Ashley's thoughts soon turned to Ellie. Even if the redhead had truly comes to terms with her feelings for JT and was happy with their friendship, Ashley believed this news could still be unsettling for her.
Ashley briefly considered calling Ellie back to let her know but decided that, despite her concern, she simply wasn't comfortable getting involved. Besides, she was fairly certain Ellie would find out from JT himself if she talked to him at lunchtime as she was intending. Then if she felt the need to talk about it later on, Ashley would be glad to lend a friendly ear.
The morning eventually gave way to midday, which found Manny sitting on the couch in the Nelson-Simpson living room thumbing through a bridal magazine she had brought over.
"Okay, that's done," Emma announced as she entered the room from the kitchen. She had just gotten off the phone with her boss, explaining how much she had been able to accomplish that morning.
"I don't see how you were able to concentrate long enough to get any work done today," Manny remarked, laying the magazine down beside her.
"I assure you, it wasn't easy," Emma said while glancing down at her ring and smiling. She then noticed the magazine on the couch. "Already buying research materials, I see."
"Only the one," Manny explained. "I saw it yesterday afternoon while I was in line at the checkout counter and I couldn't resist. It was either that or the tabloid with the headline about the wolf boy from Neptune that's now sharing a condo with two women in Concord."
"I can't believe rags like that are still able to make money in this day and age," Emma complained. "Then again, JT would probably get a kick out of reading that story for the humor value."
"And of course he also knows genuinely good writing when he sees it."
Emma nodded in agreement, thinking about her fiancé's continued appreciation of her writing. That gave way to thoughts about their upcoming marriage, and the enthusiasm was evident on her face.
"Manny, a part of me still can't believe this is really happening."
"I know," her friend agreed. "It's a little strange to think that in just a couple of months you're going to be a married woman. But it's a good kind of strange. Like I said yesterday, I'm very happy for both of you."
"Thanks. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up any minute now and the last few days will all have been a dream."
"Don't worry," Manny said cheerfully. "This is all very real."
As Emma sat down on the arm of the couch near Manny, a thought came to her.
"You know, the one thing that would make all of this even more perfect is if JT's mother could have been here. I know she would have been really happy for us. She also would have had fun finding subtle ways to say 'I told you so.'"
"She's here in spirit," Manny offered.
"You're right."
"And on the big day, I'm sure she'll be looking down, very proud, as you're escorted down the aisle to her son. Even though she'd probably be even happier if she could have made your wedding gown."
"Yeah," Emma agreed. "She'd…"
She paused suddenly, leaving Manny confused.
"Wait," she resumed after thinking for several moments. "What's this about being escorted down the aisle?"
"You know," Manny began in an attempt to explain, sounding as though it should be obvious what she meant. "After the bridesmaids have walked down to the front. Then the father…or father figure…walks the bride down the aisle and gives her away."
"Hold on," Emma said, looking as though she was struggling to grasp this concept. "This is the 21st century, right? Don't tell me I've been mistaken about that all this time."
"You're not mistaken, but…"
"So you're saying some people still do that at weddings?"
"All the time, Em."
"Next you'll tell me that dowries are still all the rage," Emma remarked, rolling her eyes.
"What?"
"A dowry was supposed to be the incentive that sealed the deal back in the old days, especially when it came to arranged marriages. The husband-to-be wouldn't just be getting a bride, but also some item or items considered of great value. Like a piece of land. Or maybe a prize-winning goat. Marriages were more like business deals between the families, and if the couple happened to love each other, that was just a bonus. For the most part, a bride was only as good as the stuff that came along with her."
"That's definitely an insane concept," Manny agreed. "But nowadays the idea of giving the bride away isn't like that at all."
"Isn't it?" Emma questioned. "Just the phrase…giving the bride away…it's enough to give you chills. It's as though no matter how much progress women make in this world, in certain ways society in general still considers us little more than property. You don't walk a woman down the aisle as though she's incapable of moving perfectly well on her own two feet. And you don't claim to give her away as though she's first prize in some raffle."
"It doesn't mean all that, Em. It's just a harmless tradition showing the movement from one part of your life to the next."
"If that's what it meant, we'd see women being 'walked down the parking lot' to their first job and 'given away' to their new employer,'" Emma countered. "That's assuming, of course, that women who can be given away are allowed to hold meaningful jobs of their own choosing."
"So I take it that's a 'no' on being walked down the aisle?" Manny attempted to sum it up.
"This bride doesn't need anyone to give her away," Emma declared. "I'll walk down the aisle on my own. Not as a property, but a person…a person moving freely toward the man she loves."
"Got it."
Manny felt this was further confirmation of how happy her newly engaged friend was since, even though Emma was adamant in her opinion, she actually remained calm throughout the discussion. She hadn't raised her voice or shown signs of getting into uber-protest mode. Manny hoped it was also a sign that perhaps Emma would eventually change her mind and not forsake this wedding tradition.
"Are you ready to go to lunch?" Emma then asked.
"Sure," Manny replied.
They both got up from the couch. Emma grabbed her keys from her purse while Manny grabbed the bridal magazine and the pair walked toward the front door.
"Hey, speaking of wedding gowns, any ideas what you're going to do for one?" Manny asked. "After all, you don't have a lot of time to decide."
"Nothing definite yet," Emma replied as they reached the door. "Mom said I could always wear hers, though I'm sure it would need alterations."
"Or JT could always dust off his old sewing kit and get back into master designer mode and fix you something original," Manny joked as they walked outside.
"I think it's supposed to be bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress before the wedding," Emma suggested while locking the front door. "So can you imagine the bad luck we'd have if it was up to the groom to actually create the dress?"
"True. And if you're going to do that, you might as well walk under a ladder on your way down the aisle."
"Hey, I could always let a black cat walk me down the aisle."
"Emma…"
"Well, at least that way we'd know it wouldn't cross my path," Emma joked.
Manny rolled her eyes but still ended up laughing as they walked toward her car parked along the curb.
"Emma, I think you're definitely ready to become a Yorke."
Meanwhile, at a television station several miles away, Ellie was sitting in Caitlin Ryan's office. She had just finished explaining the concept of JT's commercial and what her participation in it would be.
"It sounds great, Ellie."
"But my concern is, if I agree to do it, would there be any kind of conflict of interest problems?"
"None that I can think of," Caitlin answered. "You work for me and my show rather than directly for the station's news department. Besides which, you're not an on-camera part of the show. Now if we ever do a story on local theaters, I might let someone else handle the particulars. But that's only so I can avoid even the slightest headache-inducing conversation with upper management, not because I in any way question your objectivity. Since you don't have an exclusive contract with the show, you really didn't even have to ask me if this would be okay, but I do appreciate the thoughtfulness."
"Thanks Caitlin."
"Think you're ready to be seen on television sets all over town?"
"Trust me, this is a one-time-only deal. And my part will probably only last a few seconds."
"A star is born."
"Right," Ellie said sarcastically. "Prepare for cosmic destruction."
"Aw, does this mean you won't be signing autographs?" Caitlin teased.
"There's a scary thought. I'd better go before the ideas get ever scarier."
Before Ellie could stand up, they both heard a knock on the open door.
"Hey Caitlin. Ready to go to lunch or do you need a few more minutes?"
"Come on in," Caitlin said to the newly arrived Spike, who was standing at the door. "We were just finishing up."
"Caitlin, I'm going to go ahead and take lunch now as well," Ellie said, getting up from her chair while Spike entered the office.
"That's fine," Caitlin responded. "I'll meet you in Editing in about an hour. You can give me your opinion on the latest cut of Segment 3."
"No problem. I'll see you later."
"Oh, Ellie," Caitlin said suddenly, "hold up a sec."
Though nearly out the door, Ellie stopped and turned back around.
"It seems my manners have already left for lunch," Caitlin explained. "I don't know if the two of you have ever met. This is my good friend Christine Nelson. Christine Nelson, this is Ellie Nash, one of my production assistants."
"Nice to meet you, Ellie," Spike greeted her. "I've lost count of the number of times Caitlin's mentioned what an asset you are to the show."
"Thanks," Ellie said quietly, giving a slight smile. Hearing positive comments pleased her but she never felt as though she knew how to react in such situations. She only hoped that she wasn't blushing.
"I also know about you through my daughter Emma," Spike added, bringing Ellie back down to reality.
'Yeah,' the redhead thought. 'And I can just imagine how Emma would describe me.'
"In a roundabout way, I suppose," Spike continued. "You see, I remember her mentioning your name as one of JT's friends who visited him while he was in the hospital."
"Oh," Ellie remarked, surprised that the connection wasn't one of bitterness. "That's true. It's still hard to believe what happened."
"I know. That was such a bad time. Thankfully he's been able to make a relatively quick recovery. Anyway, don't let me hold you up from going to lunch."
"It was nice to meet you, too," Ellie offered. "See you later Caitlin. You want the door open or shut?"
"Open's fine. We'll be leaving in a moment anyway."
After Ellie left, Spike sat down in the same chair that Ellie had previously occupied.
"Seems like a nice girl," Spike commented. "A bit on the shy side, though."
"Not so much once you get to know her," Caitlin responded. "So, what do you feel like eating?"
"I'm flexible. But before we go, are you ready for some news?"
"What sort of news?"
"Actually, it's Emma's news. But knowing we were having lunch today, she said I could go ahead and tell you."
Spike smiled as she watched her friend grow more and more curious.
Ellie, meanwhile, made it halfway down the hall to the back door leading to the employee parking lot when she was stopped by a confused looking young man who was asking for her help. Though she didn't know his name, she recognized him as one of the station's new interns in the legal department.
"My boss wanted me to bring these over to Caitlin Ryan," he explained, referring to the files in his right hand, "but this is only my second week and I have no idea where her office is."
"I think you just missed her," Ellie told him, assuming that her boss probably left by the front entrance to the visitor lot with Emma's mother. "She was on her way to lunch when I left her a moment ago."
"Oh."
"But I could take those and put them on her desk for when she gets back," she offered.
"I don't want you to go out of your way," the dark-haired intern remarked.
"It's no trouble," Ellie assured. "It'll only take me a second. Don't worry. In this maze of offices and corridors, I know how easy it is to get lost around here if you aren't used to it."
"Tell me about it," he said while handing the files to Ellie.
"Is that everything, um…"
"Wayne," he responded to her prompting. "Yeah, that's all."
"Well I work for Caitlin, so I'll make sure she gets these."
"Thanks. Hey, fair's fair…what's your name?"
"Ellie," she answered as she turned around to walk back to Caitlin's office.
"Maybe you can give me a tour of the maze sometime, Ellie," Wayne suggested while watching her walk away, but she didn't hear him.
Walking back toward her boss's office, from several feet away she could see Caitlin and Spike leaving the room while continuing to chat.
"It all sounds exciting," Caitlin offered. "Think you're ready for your new role as Mother of the Bride?"
"I'll admit this is all going to take some getting used to," Spike explained. "But they have my support. Em and JT seem to be truly thinking things through and making solid plans for their future. If they're happy, how can I be anything but happy for them in return?"
"So Spike Nelson's daughter is getting married…" Caitlin remarked. "Does this mean we're starting to get old?"
"Bite your tongue," Spike replied, laughing.
Walking out the nearby front exit, the two women hadn't noticed Ellie, who had stopped several feet away from them upon hearing the nature of their conversation. Now alone in the hallway, the young woman simply stood still for a moment, as though she were frozen.
'Married,' Ellie soon thought to herself. 'Did I really just hear that JT…and her…? Dating is one thing. But marriage? That's just…scary.'
Walking into Caitlin's office, she placed the files on the desk. Next, rather than simply go over to TMD as she'd intended, she decided it would likely be better to call ahead first. Using the phone on the desk, she was told that JT had just left for a meeting and wasn't expected back until mid-afternoon.
"Just tell JT that Ellie Nash called to accept his offer regarding the advertisement," she told the theater employee. "Once he has more information – and assuming he's still interested – he can get in touch. Yes, he knows how to reach me. We're friends."
Putting down the phone, Ellie was disappointed she couldn't speak to him. She'd hoped to hear his plans first-hand. Perhaps get some reassurance that it wasn't going to effect their friendship.
Whatever might happen, Ellie was certain that it was right to still go ahead and participate in the ad. She felt that her friendship with JT had usually remained separate from his relationship with Emma and decided not to let this new situation change that.
'Whatever they're doing, that's their business,' she thought. 'It doesn't bother me. Not in the least. He won't hear one word of criticism from me about any of it. He's my friend, and I want him to be happy.'
She then walked out of the office, still trying to get used to the news.
'But it's still a scary thought.'
Next Chapter – Assisted Self-Help