Eyes Wide Open
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This story is on an AU track.
Chapter 17: Shared Empathy
"How was the IAB interview?" Olivia asked, pulling out the other chair at the small table where Bobby had been sitting.
"Rough. I don't know if it's because of my department reputation or because I'm not a cop anymore or something else entirely, but they pushed pretty hard. They were professional," he added quickly, "but they ran the whole thing down detail by excruciating detail, and I'm not even the focus of their investigation, I can't be, IAB doesn't investigate civilians."
"I shouldn't be asking you this, but - could you get a sense for who was, if anyone?"
He frowned. "It was kind of hard to tell. The two detectives doing the questioning were kind of out of sync with each other. I got the sense they weren't totally on the same page."
"Two?" Olivia was frowning now too. "Tucker interviewed most of the unit by himself."
"Well, I'm the one who pulled the trigger," he replied, grimacing. "Since that's the focal event, I guess they thought I'd have something more to give them. Tucker brought a younger guy with him - Cassidy, I think."
"Cassidy?" Olivia repeated. "He used to be SVU."
"Really?" Goren said interestedly. "He was the real wild card in the room. Tucker was pretty stoic throughout, though he did say near the end that, off the record, if he was the DA he wouldn't charge me over the shooting, and I could tell he meant it. But Cassidy - he was nodding along with me when I was explaining about Alex being in danger and shooting to protect her, but he really dug in when it came to asking questions about what Amaro did. Tucker had to back him off. If Cassidy were calling the shots, I think Amaro would be in it pretty deep, but he's the junior detective, and I don't think Tucker's quite as eager."
"That's not entirely a surprise. We worked a case with Cassidy a few years ago, and he and Nick got off on the wrong foot. I don't think he'd intentionally target Nick, he's got more integrity than that, but he might not realize that his personal bias is running away with him." Olivia sighed. "I know Nick's not going to get off scot-free for leaving his weapon unsecured, but I at least hope they'll be reasonable and take the circumstances into account. So," she added, changing the subject, "how's Sarah doing?"
He grimaced, and she leaned forward slightly, her face a mask of concern. "It's bad?"
"No. I mean, she's doing fine, it's just -" he let out a slow breath, shaking his head. "Something that's bothering me, that's all."
"You want to talk about it?" she offered.
He considered that for a moment. "I don't think you'd understand."
"Try me."
He cocked his head to the side a bit at her challenge. "I need you to know, I love my daughter more than I could ever express. But...I worry about what I might have passed down to her. You see, the thing is...my father's not my father. My biological father was a serial killer who had an affair with my mom." He rubbed both hands over his face. "I've spent my whole life wondering if that's somewhere inside me too. And now to think I might have inflicted that on my daughter...my precious little baby..." he shook his head, unable to find the words to finish the thought. "I know, I sound like an idiot."
"No, Bobby," she said softly. "Not to me. I know exactly how you feel."
His eyes shot up to meet hers, seeing the truth of her words in them. "How?"
"My father was a serial rapist." Oddly, it didn't hurt as much as it usually did to reveal that fact. Somehow, just knowing that Bobby understood, on a level that very few people ever had, made the words easier to say. "He raped my mother. That's how I was conceived."
"Olivia, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she replied immediately. "I've known ever since I was a child, I had a lot of time to come to terms with the idea of where I come from. You haven't, have you?"
"You are good," he said with the faintest shadow of a smile. "No, I really haven't. I only found out seven years ago, just before he died. Until then, I'd always assumed my mother's husband...I mean, it's a logical assumption...it does explain why he didn't like me very much, though."
"It might explain it, but it doesn't excuse it." She couldn't help but feel a flash of anger towards the man who had snubbed a child for the circumstances of his conception, just as her own mother had done. "Everybody has choices."
Something resembling a smile crossed Bobby's lips. "Why do I get the feeling we're talking about more than bad parents blaming us for being born?"
"Well, now that you mention it..." she shrugged. "Look, I of all people know it's not this simple, but if it makes any difference...when it comes to what's inside you, I don't think you have anything to worry about."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because I know you. Because I saw you flinch when you talked about pulling the trigger in the Johnson shooting. You had every reason to want him dead, the shooting was justified, and it still upsets you that you had to kill. A lot of reasonable people wouldn't feel the way you do, to say nothing of a cold-blooded killer."
"Um...I guess...yeah, I guess you have a point." Until then, the only connection he'd been able to make between Brady and the events of two days earlier had been to think that it proved what he had always feared. It hadn't occurred to him that the very fact that the shooting made him sick was a factor.
"Don't be too hard on yourself." Olivia's voice drew him out of his contemplation. "It's always easier to see the truth in other people. I still catch myself sometimes thinking I'm just like my mother, shoving my child aside for my own convenience if I do something that makes one of the boys cry, even if it's something like putting Noah down for a nap or leaving them with a babysitter so Elliot and I can go out."
"Is that what I have to look forward to?"
He'd tried to pass it off as a joke, but she wasn't fooled. "You'll have times when you hold your parenting decisions up to the mirror of your birth father, yeah. But Bobby, that doesn't mean it has any basis in reality. All parents make mistakes, it comes with the territory. I can already tell you're going to be a good father."
"Really?"
"Really."
xxxxxxxxx
"Um...Alex?"
She looked up, seeing the tall, wiry man standing in the doorway. "Zach! Come in."
He stepped in a little uncertainly. "I, um, I don't want to intrude."
"You're not intruding," she chided.
"Well, I mean, we haven't really kept that much in touch," he said, though he did step closer to the bed. "We talk what, a few times a year maybe?"
"And that's my fault as much as yours. Come on, sit down. You're hurting my neck looking up at you."
He laughed, relaxing a bit as he took a seat. "The perils of having tall friends."
"That's nothing new, anyway," she bantered back. "People always wondered why I wore heels in the office at Major Case. It was the only way Bobby and I would be in the same zip code."
"Speaking of which, I have something for you." He reached into his coat pocket. "For both of you, actually."
"Roses?" Alex teased.
He laughed again. "You know, I never told Danny, but I came clean to Megan a couple of days later that those weren't from me. I overheard her complaining to her sister that everyone was sending flowers when they were useless and would die a week later anyway, so I went out and bought her some things I thought she could use and then told her the flowers were Ross' idea and he didn't ask me first. We agreed not to tell him."
Alex was laughing now too, hard enough for him to raise an eyebrow. "I didn't think it was that funny."
"It's just classic," she said, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. "Ross was a good man, but he was definitely into image, the gesture. Whereas I know people sometimes think you don't care because you don't go much for gestures, but really you're just putting more thought into what a person might actually want."
"Which brings us back to..." He handed her a rectangular package. "This is a little out there, but..."
Alex had already ripped open the paper and was now staring at the framed photograph she'd just unwrapped. It was unmistakably a picture of Sarah, but not Sarah as Alex had become accustomed to seeing her, in a sterile ICU incubator hooked up to multiple machines. In this photo, the baby was lying on a lacy pillow in front of a soft lilac background. Not a single wire or tube was attached to her body. "How..."
"A few favors and a lot of computer magic. It's not totally real, of course, but I thought you might like to have a picture of her in her first days that doesn't scream 'hospital'." He could see that tears were shimmering in her eyes. "I'm sorry, I..."
The next thing he knew, her arms were around his shoulders. "You think I don't like it? Zach, it's incredible. I never imagined I'd get to see her like this. Never mind how you did this...how did you even think of the idea?"
"Can I show you something?"
She nodded, settling back on the bed as he reached into his pocket. "Tell me you didn't bring something else for me."
"No, this is mine." He handed her a small photograph. "Here."
Alex took it, frowning in confusion. The picture depicted a girl who looked to be about seven or eight, a girl who was definitively not Sarah. "I don't understand. Who is she?"
"Her name's Andrea." The mention of the name brought a smile to Zach's face. "She's my daughter."
Alex nearly dropped the photo in shock. "What?"
"I know, I know. I've been getting that reaction a lot lately."
"Okay, let's forget the whole part where you swore you'd never be a parent. When did you have a kid? She has to be at least, what, seven?"
"Nine. And as for your question, I haven't had her for all that long. She's not my biological child," he explained. "Technically, she's my foster daughter, though I'm hoping to change that soon."
"So you went from not wanting kids to fostering?"
"It's not quite that simple. More specifically, I went from not wanting kids to fostering Andrea." Again, Zach smiled at the thought of his child. "I met her about a year ago while working a case, and before I knew it she'd stolen my heart. She'd been in an untenable foster situation she was removed from. When I heard she had nowhere to go, I just...asked to take her in." He laughed lightly. "Of all the people to completely change my perspective on life, I didn't expect it to be a second-grader."
"Sounds like it's worked out, though," Alex said with a smile of her own.
"It has," he confirmed. "But bringing it back around to your original question, I don't have any pictures of Andrea that are more than a year old. I treasure all the ones I do have, but I wish I had some of her when she was a baby. Technically, you'll have pictures of Sarah as a newborn, but I thought you might not want to look at pictures of her covered in medical equipment all the time, so..." he gestured towards the altered photo.
Another laugh from Alex. "Only you would put all those pieces together and come up with this idea from it. Which is why I'm glad you're my friend," she added. "This is an amazing gift, Zach. I'm sure Bobby will say the same; he should be back fairly soon."
Zach grimaced slightly, checking his watch. "I'm sorry, I can't. I promised Andrea I'd be home by four; I'll be cutting it close as it is. It's complicated," he added in a tone that suggested he was used to justifying himself, "but I really do need to be home when I said I would."
"You don't have to explain anything to me," she assured him. "I know kids, Zach. Go. But let's try to talk a little more than a few times a year from now on, okay?"
"Absolutely," he replied. "Let me know if you need anything."
As he left the room, they were both smiling.
xxxxxxxxx
"Lieutenant Eames, why were you at SVU headquarters on the moment before the shooting?"
"You know why," she replied shortly. "If it's not in the official file, I'm sure someone's told you by now."
"Yes," Tucker sighed, "but for the record, I need you to tell me."
"I was there to make a voice identification of the man who raped me two months ago." She was pleased with herself for keeping her voice level as she said this.
"And where were you when the shooting began?"
"In the interview room with Sergeant Benson. I was preparing to leave when I heard the shots."
"What did you do then?"
"I looked out to see what was going on, and I saw a man enter the bullpen holding an officer hostage. I saw that the squad was unable to act because of the risk to her - he had his weapon at point-blank range to her head. I thought if I caught him by surprise, I might be able to convince him he wasn't getting out, or at least startle him enough to give someone a chance to take action, so I approached him from behind and ordered him to drop his weapon."
"Back up, Lieutenant. You said you saw 'a man' entering the bullpen. You do know who this man was?"
"I do now but I didn't at the time. His voice was muffled and up to that point I had never seen his face."
"And what happened after you approached him?"
"He turned. Rollins didn't turn with him. I had a shot at center mass and I took it, but he was moving and the target area was limited, so he was only wounded. At the same time, he fired two shots at me and I fell backwards from the impact into Sergeant Benson - I didn't even realize she was there until then. My arm went limp from one shot and I couldn't hold onto my gun. He raised his weapon at me and said something about it being fitting - that was when I realized who he was, I recognized his voice. I felt Olivia throw herself on top of me and I heard two shots. When I wasn't hit, I thought she had been. Then I saw him fall. It all gets a little fuzzy after that, bits and pieces. The next thing I remember clearly is waking up in a hospital bed and being told my daughter had had to be delivered prematurely because of the gunshot wound to my abdomen."
"That's all we need, Lieutenant. Thank you."
xxxxxxxxx
"Good news," Bobby said, bending over to kiss Alex. "Got the official word from the DA just now, they're not pursuing the shooting. I believe the exact words were 'justifiable defense of a third party'."
"That's great. Not that they wouldn't have been idiots for pursuing it, but I've seen some pretty idiotic stunts from DAs in the area." Charging Olivia Benson for the murder of William Lewis was at the top of the list as far as she was concerned.
"I got a pretty stern warning not to do it again," he admitted, "but I can live with that. It's not like I would anyway. It's the first time I've ever fired a weapon at an actual human being, and I hope to God it'll be my last."
"It's never easy," she said gently. "I've done it twice - three times if you count the non-fatal during the Johnson shootout. All three were to save a life, but you remember I didn't handle those two very well."
"I remember." He didn't like remembering, though. The pained expressions on her face still hurt him.
"Bobby, I know we're both up against more than our fair share here, but I just want you to know, I'm here for you." She pulled him to her, kissing his forehead. "I'm here. Just like you've always been for me."
Only about 1-2 chapters left to go! Stay tuned!
This chapter references the SVU episode Post-Mortem Blues and my parallel story A New Reality (sorry to summarize, but I know not everyone reads both arcs and the arcs are headed for a merger).
The idea about the photo came from a news article I read where a few anonymous people on the internet helped a grieving father digitally alter his baby's photo so he could have a picture of her without all the wires. Obviously, Sarah is still alive, but Alex and Bobby would still not get to see her without the equipment for months, and the idea fit so well with the kind of thing I think a character like Zach would do.
Please review!