The Long And Winding Road
Notes: The usual disclaimers apply, and remember that all episodes after "Holiday" and "This Charming Man" aren't canon in this story.
Chapter 68 -- Assisted Self-Help
Lying in bed, JT awoke suddenly. Quickly sitting up, his breathing was rapid as he turned his head toward the nearby nightstand to look at the clock.
6:00 a.m.
Though JT was much more of a morning person than Emma, this was too early even for him. Even moreso considering this was a Sunday. Then again, it's not as though he had intended to wake up at this hour.
Several minutes passed as he continued to sit up in bed. As he gradually began to feel less anxious, he considered trying to go back to sleep.
He ultimately decided not to bother. Instead, he got up and slowly made his way into the living room. Once there, he plopped down onto the sofa, pulled the remote control from between the cushions and turned on the television. He hoped there might be an old movie worth watching on one of the channels. Something that would be good for a few laughs. Something that might take his mind off the cause of his rude awakening.
About two hours later, Manny arrived at Sean's as they had planned and the couple was standing outside in his driveway.
"So, do you want to have some breakfast now, or ride for awhile and then stop and get something?" Sean asked, referring to their plan for the day. Tracker had once again given them access to one of his motorcycles.
"Let's stop later," Manny answered without hesitation. "I'm ready to hit the road."
Sean laughed.
"What?" Manny questioned.
"Nothing. It's just always fun to watch an excited Manny Santos. And even after the last time we took the bike out for the day and you had fun, I didn't expect you'd be the one to say we should do it again."
"It's a lot of fun. Both being the driver AND being the one in back hanging on. Of course it doesn't hurt that I happen to be crazy about the guy I'm riding with."
"Doesn't hurt at all," Sean agreed. "Anyway, it also gives us a little time together before you start getting too busy helping with wedding plans to do anything else."
In response, Manny wrapped her arms around her boyfriend and looked him directly in the eyes.
"Sean," she said, speaking in a serious tone, "I want you to trust me when I say that you will never need to worry that I'd be too busy for you. It just won't happen. Got it?"
At first Sean hesitated to respond, but looking at Manny he could tell that it wasn't an empty promise.
"Got it," he replied.
"Good," she said before giving him a quick kiss and releasing her hold on him. "Because I mean it no matter what, though honestly I don't know that I'm going to be all that involved in helping Emma."
"What do you mean?" Sean asked curiously. "When the four of us went out Friday night you two were getting along great. What happened?"
"Nothing," Manny assured as she sat down on the nearby stoop. "We ARE great. But she hasn't asked me about being her maid of honor, and so I'm not going to assume that I'll be her choice."
"They've only been engaged for a week," he reasoned. "Of course, like I told them the other night, I could've sworn they were already married because they've been acting like an old married couple for ages."
Manny laughed at his joking comment, just as they all had on Friday night.
"All I'm saying is that I can understand if I'm not Emma's pick," she then elaborated. "Sure, nowadays I think we're about as close as we've ever been. You'd hardly know that before 7 or 8 months ago, we were barely on speaking terms for the longest time. We're even able to get through the occasional little difference of opinion without it blowing up into anything big, and it's great. But I could still see why she might not ask me."
"Doesn't mean you can't be disappointed," Sean interjected. "But that's assuming she doesn't ask you."
"All things considered, getting to watch my two closest friends get married will be wonderful, whether I'm standing near them or sitting in one of the church pews."
"And like you said, for now don't assume anything one way or the other," Sean reminded.
"Right. Anyway, I know I can be selfish, but I'd have to be beyond selfish if I thought I was the only good choice. I just always had it in the back of my mind since we were kids that when it came to our weddings, Emma and I would be each other's maid of honor. And I guess I've never really outgrown that idea."
"Well don't forget this is Emma we're talking about. You said how she's going to walk down the aisle by herself, so for all we know she's not planning on doing the whole maid of honor thing either."
"True, you never know," she agreed.
Moments later, Manny started to laugh.
"What?" Sean questioned.
"Just thinking back. This talking about ideas we have as kids… Back then I'd have bet anything that JT and Emma would be the last hold-outs when it came to getting married. And I'm not talking about to each other, but to anyone. Well, JT would be next-to-last, and Emma would be last. And they both would have agreed completely."
"I know that you always seemed to be the most into the whole 'hearts and flowers' romance thing out of the three of you back then," Sean remarked.
"Yeah, but I'm talking about long before you first knew us. For example, when we were little the three of us played lots of games together. But they'd always outvote me whenever I suggested that we play House. Okay, JT was a boy so that made sense. But Emma agreed with him that it wouldn't be any fun. One thing they liked instead was Zoo Rescue."
"Zoo Rescue?" Sean repeated.
"Even as kids, Emma hated the whole idea of zoos. She called them 'animal jails.'"
Sean laughed, having heard Emma refer to zoos that way as well.
"JT would be a different animal each time we played," Manny began to explain.
"Never one of the rescuers?"
"No," she replied. "This way, he got to make all the animal sounds. So, he'd shut himself up in a closet, which was meant to be the cage. Emma would make sure the lights were off, and I was in charge of getting us flashlights."
Manny noticed Sean's confusion.
"We were pretending this was nighttime," she explained. "You can't have a secret rescue in broad daylight, of course."
"Of course," Sean said sarcastically, though in truth he was enjoying listening to her tale.
"We'd sneak around and slowly make our way to the closet," Manny continued, "where our caged animal was making all kinds of noise. Emma said it was up to us to save the poor thing from the evil zoo. So we'd pretend to struggle to open the door to the cage for awhile, or try to talk the animal into ramming into the door if he was supposed to have horns. JT really enjoyed doing, too…despite the headaches. Eventually he'd finally get loose from the 'cage.' Of course then JT would demand a big snack, saying that being trapped in the zoo made him hungry."
"And to think, when I was a little kid, all I ever did was sit inches away from a TV in a trailer watching roller derby," Sean joked. "Now I really feel deprived."
"We had a lot of fun back then. Not always typical. But fun."
"And now they're the first ones getting married," he commented.
"While marriage is something I can't even imagine for myself at this point in my life," she added.
"But the three of you are still friends who have a lot of fun together."
"Definitely. The more things change, and all that. And at least these are good changes. It goes to show what can happen with a little time and love for the right person. You can find yourself eagerly getting married when you never used to even want to pretend. Or looking forward to zooming down the road on the back of a motorcycle when not too long ago it would have seemed beyond scary. You just never know."
At that point, Sean took the initiative, reaching down for his girlfriend's hands, pulling her to her feet and wrapping his arms around her.
"So, Right Person…are you ready to get out of here?"
"In a moment," she replied with a smile before kissing him once again.
Within the hour, JT, having given up on finding any worthwhile television yet still restless, took a quick shower, got dressed and drove over to TMD. Parking right in front of the building, he had just gotten out of his car when he heard the sound of another car's horn. He turned to find Spinner pulling into the lot.
"Hey," Spinner greeted through his open side window after he stopped alongside where JT stood. "I thought that was your car I saw turning into here."
"Yup, you caught me."
"Surprised me. I mean, you don't usually come in on Sundays. Especially hours before it opens. What's up?"
"Nothing," JT answered casually. "Figured I'd look around. Make sure everything's okay."
"Okay?" Spinner asked in confusion.
JT, appearing lost in thought, didn't answer.
"JT?"
He then realized he had stopped talking.
"Oh…sorry Spin. Yeah, you know. That all the stock we'll need for today is in place. That everything looks ready to go."
"Okay…"
Spinner knew he'd never be accused of being the brightest guy in the neighborhood, but he considered himself smart when it came to his friends. And he knew that something seemed to be bothering this particular friend.
"I'm headed over to the house for breakfast," Spinner commented. "And even though I know my mom and sister would be crushed, I can cancel and…"
"Thanks, but I've got everything covered," JT interrupted.
"You sure? I mean…there's nothing wrong, right?"
"Positive," JT replied, hoping to sound more upbeat. "Besides, I'd hate to deprive your mom the excitement of doing your laundry."
"Hey, I'm sure it's the high point of her week," Spinner added in a similar lighthearted tone.
"Then you'd better get going," JT encouraged.
"So everything's okay?" Spinner again questioned.
"Yes," JT answered, hoping his friend and employee would finally be convinced. "You don't have to worry about me. Now go, unless you want me to start repeating everything you say."
"Anything but that," Spinner groaned. "Too cruel."
At this, they both laughed.
"Okay," Spinner then said, reluctantly giving in to JT's wishes, "I'm going. But if you need help with anything… Or want to talk about something…"
"I know. And thanks. See you tomorrow."
After Spinner drove away, JT unlocked one of the front doors and entered the building. Soon, he was in his office. Leaving his door open, he walked back behind the desk. Before he sat down, though, he looked down at the floor.
Memories flashed through his mind like film clips. Brief, but powerful, images. Being pushed to the ground. Trying to crawl around the desk and out of sight. The growing confusion. The intense pain. The fear.
Sitting down, JT actively sought to put away those mental images. Thus, he turned his attention to the messages that had been left for him on his desk. After reading them, he studied the pictured of Emma that sat near the phone. After several moments he picked up the phone and placed a call.
"Hi," came Emma's voice after four rings.
"Morning, angel. I was…"
"Sorry I missed your call," her voice continued following her brief pause.
JT rolled his eyes, realizing he'd been fooled by her voicemail recording.
"Hey," he tried again at the prompt once her message was complete. "It's me. Now don't try to scare me by thinking to yourself, 'Me who?' Anyway, I'm just…checking in. I'll see you later on. Love you."
After his call, JT sat silently, save for tapping his finger on the phone. Several moments passed and then he once more picked up the phone, using that same finger to punch in another number.
"Hi," a voice eventually answered. "I may or may not be available to take your call right now. But good help is hard to find so, alas, you get my machine rather than a professional phone screener. Leave a message and if you're interesting enough I'll return your call as soon as I can."
"Love the new message," JT said following the beep. "But my favorite is still the one where you ended it by saying 'I hope you have a very Paige-worthy day.' No message for you. I just… Hey, it's been a couple of weeks and you know what they say… A week without talking to Paige…"
"…Is like a week without sunshine," Paige Michalchuk completed after picking up her phone. "It's so true."
"It's that high level of modesty you have," JT teased. "It draws people in. So, am I really talking to Paige, or is this just the next level of interactive messaging before I can reach the real deal?"
"Very funny, hon," she replied while sitting at the desk in her dorm room on Trent University's campus. "So to what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call at such an unseemly hour?"
"Did I wake you up?" JT asked in an apologetic tone.
"If only… Major English test tomorrow, so I want to get in enough study time today. See all the fun you'll be missing out on this Fall?"
"Yeah, sounds like tons o' fun," he answered, matching her sarcasm. "I still can't believe you decided to stay there in Peterborough for the summer."
"It was a good first year…even though my roommate for the first semester had even hairier legs than Heather Sinclair. Oh, it's so nice not to have a roommate sharing the dorm over the summer. Anyway, I've told you before about the friends I've made since I've been here, and some of them are still around taking summer classes too. And if I can get a couple of these required generic courses out of the way right now, I'll be that much closer to getting to focus on the interesting ones that actually relate to my major."
"Well I hope you'll be able to tear yourself away from all of that for a couple of days in August," JT urged.
"Why? What's going on in August?"
"A wedding. Specifically…mine."
"You're getting married?" Paige asked, not expecting such news.
"You got it."
"Okay," she responded casually, "but just make sure you know that the baby's really yours before you say, 'I do.'"
JT rolled his eyes. He knew Paige's first response would be a sarcastic joke, and he was glad that she didn't disappoint.
"Why Hallmark doesn't have you on its payroll, I'll never know," he fired back.
"You know I'm totally kidding, hon. But a simple 'Congratulations' seems too clichéd to be worthy of either of us."
"You're probably right."
"So is this what you really want?" she then asked in a more serious tone. "The thing that'll make you beyond happy?"
"It is."
"Then you know I'm happy for you, sweet potato."
"I thought you would be," he responded, sounding pleased.
"Even though your intended and I have never been all that chummy," Paige added.
"I know, but maybe that could change when you come back for the wedding," JT suggested.
"Couldn't I just mail the two of you a toaster as a wedding gift and be done with it?"
JT couldn't help but laugh.
"Again…kidding," she quickly added. "You know I'll be there."
"Good."
JT hesitated for a moment as he summoned up the nerve to change the course of the conversation to the main reason he wanted to speak with Paige at this time.
"Um…" he soon began to speak once more, "the upcoming wedding isn't the only reason I wanted to call you today."
"I had a feeling there was something else."
"Am I that transparent?"
"No, but after all the time I've spent around you when you wore your mascot outfit, I don't have to see your face to recognize your various moods. There's body language. Or, like in this particular case, I can tell by the tone of your voice. When you first called, you sounded a little off."
"Maybe a little," JT admitted. "A few weeks ago, when we talked for the first time after…after I got hurt, you said that if…well, you know."
Paige got up from her desk and, taking the phone with her, moved over to her bed so she could be more comfortable while they continued their conversation.
"Yeah, I know," she said while stretching out. "That day when Ellie first called to let me know what had happened to you the night before, my first reaction was shock. Then anger. Then came the urge to head back to Toronto. Not that I could really do much to help. But I also knew you were already surrounded by other friends, and that it might start getting claustrophobic for you to have yet another person hovering around. So like I told you when I called, if there was anything you needed or if you felt like venting about what happened, you shouldn't hesitate to call me. After all, we've been known to have the occasional serious conversation amongst all the others."
"And you also sent me the huge card a few days later, which was great."
"Not as sweet as the bear that a certain someone once bought me, but I figured you'd like it."
"I didn't want to take you up on the serious conversation offer," JT confessed. "I'd hate to come off sounding like, 'Poor me.' Not when you survived something that can't be compared to anything else."
"You're right that I survived something horrible," Paige responded. "And you've survived something horrible, too. Two different kinds of horrible, but things that neither one of us deserved. Things that we have to live with. As far as I'm concerned, you more than have the right to sound like 'poor me' if you want to. But I know you won't because that's not you.
"Look JT, you were a big help to me at the worst time in my life. And I don't just mean the way you stood up for me that day in the gym. I also mean the way you were so accessible after that. You are equal parts joker and great listener. And most of all, you're my friend. So if I can ever be of any help to you, I don't want you hesitating to speak up."
"Maybe it's nothing," JT offered.
"If it's bothering you, it's not nothing," Paige countered.
"It could have been a fluke," he then suggested.
"'It' being what exactly?"
"The dream I had last night," he revealed, with serious concern evident in his voice. "Or I guess early this morning, to be more accurate. The thing that woke me up."
"About what happened to you?"
"More or less."
"JT, it's only natural that the memory of something so traumatic would cause you to have unsettling dreams from time to time."
"Not anymore it shouldn't," JT disagreed. "The first week or two? Sure. It happened a few times. Either dreaming about what led up to getting hurt or dreaming that it would happen again. But not now."
"Why not now?" she questioned.
"Because I'm still here. Because I've stopped feeling anxious all the time. Because I've got a really good life that includes Emma, great friends and a growing business. Because the only person who ever wanted to hurt me is locked up and, from what Alex told me, isn't interested in hurting me or anyone else ever again. Alex said his new prison life is really hitting him hard."
"Alex?" Paige asked, confused. "Who's he?"
"Not a he. It's Jay's ex-girlfriend."
"Ah," she responded. "Well, I was never one to keep up with Who's Who of Degrassi's criminal element. If I ever met her, she obviously didn't make a lasting impression."
"No, she's okay," JT said in Alex's defense. "After all, she was smart enough to break up with him at some point. And she came to talk to me a week ago, which I really respect. I bet it wasn't easy for her.
"The point is that I don't have any reason to still be having dreams like this. And I haven't had one for days. Until now. So what I'm wondering is… When did you stop having dreams about what happened to you? That is, if you're okay about telling me."
"I'm okay with telling you," Paige assured. "And when and if they ever DO stop, I'll let you know."
Her answer caught JT by surprise.
"You mean…"
"Not often," she explained. "Sometimes not for months at a time. But every once in awhile, I'll find myself having a dream and it's like no time had passed. When I first wake up, it's as if it had only been days, not years, since Dean raped me."
"I had no idea," JT responded.
"It's rare when I have a dream about it. And Ms. Sauve had told me early on in our talks that it could happen. That even after long periods of time, there could be moments where the memories are strong again. Even if it's just for a little while. The important thing is to know that it's natural and not to get discouraged by it."
"But it DOES happen a lot less over time, right?" JT asked, feeling the need for confirmation.
"It does," she replied.
JT didn't say anything in response.
"I know you were hoping I'd say there's an ending in sight," she said, having a good idea that was the case. "And obviously, each person's situation is different. But I just can't give you a timetable for how things will go with your recovery."
"It would've been nice," JT admitted. "But you're being honest. Which I knew you'd be. And that's better than getting sugarcoated answers. At least I know that I'm not crazy for having this dream."
"Not crazy at all," Paige was quick to confirm. "My advice is to not try to expect too much of yourself too soon. I know that's saying a lot to JT Yorke. You're almost as persistent as I am when it comes to knowing what you want and going after it."
"Thanks for the compliment. High praise indeed. But as for the advice, is that coming from the psychologist-in-training?"
"No, hon. I still have a long way to go before I get my degree and can start charging top dollar for my brilliance."
Her sarcastic response resulted in JT laughing, which was her intent. Now, as during their previous conversations since his assault, Paige was glad to know that JT's innate sense of humor hadn't been taken from him.
"That was the advice of a friend," she continued, this time in a more serious tone. "One who knows you and doesn't want you to have unrealistic expectations about recovery that leave you feeling disappointed in yourself."
"Got it. I'll work on that," JT promised.
"That's all you can do. This is an ongoing process."
"I'm noticing," he remarked.
"And since we've established that you're wise enough to appreciate my honesty," Paige continued, "I'm just going to throw this out there and we don't have to mention it again if you don't want to."
"What would that be?"
"Have you given any thought to talking to someone?"
JT didn't respond right away.
"No," he answered moments later. "I've always found it to be more fun to talk to people without doing any thinking at all."
"Clever, but you know what I meant," Paige said, not willing to let JT dodge with a joke in this instance.
"My doctor told me that some counseling could be good in case I had any post-traumatic stress," JT explained. "I think that's what he called it. He said he'd be glad to give me a referral to a counselor in the neighborhood."
"And knowing that you're someone who prefers helping others rather than asking for help, I'm guessing you didn't take him up on his offer."
"No offense to you and your career goals," JT prefaced, "but spending an hour telling a stranger things about my life that he'll probably just use as material for his next book doesn't sound like my idea of a good time."
"You forgot to add the part about how he or she will try to shrink your head, then hypnotize you and make you cluck like a chicken," Paige cracked. "Unfortunately, I won't get to learn those skills until junior year."
"They make you wait that long?"
"Look, I'm not trying to sell you on something you don't want to do. The first time someone mentioned counseling to me I was dead set against it."
"Really?"
"Absolutely," she confirmed. "I even remember my exact response: 'You know how to spell "therapist?" T-H-E-R-A-P-I-S-T. Which also spells "the rapist." And I've had more than enough of those, thank you very much.'
"But over time I realized that maybe an objective listener would be helpful. Not that family and friends weren't already there for me in a big way. But a counselor has had special training and could help in ways that the people close to me wouldn't even think of. And it turned out to be very good for me. Naturally it's not for everybody, but it never hurts to keep your options open."
"Well I do try to keep an open mind about most things. And I can even admit that I know talking to someone does help some people. Like you. I'm still not sold, but maybe I won't rule out asking the doctor for that referral."
Glad to know that JT was at least open to considering counseling, she wasn't going to push.
"So…care to tell me about this latest crazy scheme of yours?" she asked in a lighter tone. "Something about for better, for worse, blah, blah, blah?"
JT smiled. His friend had been able to assure him that his sense of recovery wasn't a lie just because he'd had another dream. Plus, she was then able to bring the conversation back to something she knew he'd enjoy talking about.
"Paige, you have such a way with summaries," he answered sarcastically.
"Never mind the flattery. I want full details. For example, how many Knock-Knock jokes did you have to tell Emma before she agreed to marry you just to shut you up?"
"So slanderous," JT kidded her. "So cold-hearted."
"Hey, I said never mind the flattery…"
They continued to talk for a good 15 minutes before their phone call came to an end. Paige returned to her studies, while the early part of their conversation left JT with something new to consider. He'd always been good at talking to people he didn't know. Whether it was a new kid in school or TMD customers. But could talking to a stranger about the personal details of one's life really do any good?
It wasn't long, though, before his phone rang and interrupted his thoughts.
"Thank you for calling The Movie Difference," he answered. "Can I help you?"
"Why yes," the voice on the other end responded. "I was at the theater last night. You were showing that Marx Brothers movie, 'A Night At The Opera.' Such a funny film, and another good selection for your Saturday classics line. But I'd like to know how I could get in touch with the cute young man who owns this theater. I understand that he's funnier than all the Marx Brothers combined."
"I think a meeting could probably be arranged," JT replied, smiling. "Morning Emma."
"Hi," she greeted, calling from her bedroom. "Sorry I missed your call earlier. I tried you back a couple of times but your line was busy."
"No problem. How about I come by and pick you up and we can go get some breakfast."
"Sounds great," Emma gladly accepted.
"Hey Emma…" JT began, but stopped short of saying more.
"What is it?"
"I'm not saying I'm going to or anything," he resumed while looking at her picture. "Just thinking about it. But if I decided to…I don't know…maybe… You see, I had another one of THOSE dreams."
"JT, I'm so sorry. I know you know that you're safe. I guess sometimes it takes the part of the mind that controls our dreams a little longer to figure these things out."
Emma understood that having such dreams was probably par for the course considering what he'd been through not so long ago, but she also knew – however unrealistic it might be – that JT had thought he was done having them.
"I agree, and I've heard that it's not crazy to still have the bad dreams sometimes. Annoying, but not crazy. Still, if I ever decided to try talking to someone…you don't think that would be the worst idea in the world, do you?"
"No," she replied. "Not at all."
Even though she'd only said a few words, JT could hear both the certainty and understanding in her voice. Still, he had one other concern.
"I don't want you to think it means that I think talking to you isn't a good thing," he quickly added. "It always is."
"I'd never think that," Emma assured.
"It could turn out to be a big waste of time, but maybe it would be helpful."
"Whatever you decide, Jamie, you've got my complete support. Always."
"I know. So anyway…I can be at your place in about five minutes."
"I suppose I can suffer through such a long wait somehow," she teased.
"If you feel like trying something new, I heard about this place that serves breakfast pizzas. No idea what that's all about, but it could be interesting."
"And a bit scary," she suggested. "But sure, why not. We're both open-minded when it comes to trying new things."
"That we are, Emma. That we are. I'll be right over."
Next Chapter – The Inside Story