The Long And Winding Road
Notes: The usual disclaimers apply, and remember that all episodes after "Holiday" and "This Charming Man" aren't canon in this story.
Chapter 69 -- The Inside Story
"Maybe setting up this counseling session wasn't such a crazy idea after all."
JT made this remark inside an office of a building located several minutes away from the hospital where he had been a patient. Having finally decided to take a chance, he accepted his doctor's referral several days ago and, on this late Wednesday afternoon, was speaking with Randall Bennington, a counselor whom JT guessed was in his late-20s.
"I'm not talking about trying to solve all of life's great mysteries or anything," he continued. "But there ARE a few things that keep circling around in my head, and maybe you would have some of the answers."
"Where would you like to begin?" Randall asked, preferring for the time being to let JT lead the way in their discussion.
"I'm glad you asked," JT responded with eagerness. "My fiancée Emma doesn't eat meat, outside of chicken. So sometimes we'll go out to restaurants that are big on salads. You know…the kind of places that have those salad bars that look like they're a mile long. Have you seen these things?"
Sitting just a few feet from JT rather than from behind his desk, Randall nodded in response.
"Okay," JT resumed. "Then you know that big thing of glass that always hangs just over the top of them, no matter which place you go to? Emma told me they're called sneeze guards. Okay, I've never seen anyone actually sneeze on one of them before, but I think if someone's sneezing anywhere near the food, just having that sheet of glass there isn't going to make me want to eat the salad that's sitting underneath it. It's like the owners of these places have decided that as long as the snot and phlegm only land on the glass then the food is still safe.
"Now what you should also understand is that Emma is the most health conscious person I know. She even used to protest school cafeteria food. But she's never seemed bothered by having sneeze guards at salad bars. So does that make me the crazy one?"
JT saw the confused look on the counselor's face.
"Man, this is a tough room," he noted with a touch of sarcasm in his voice. "But I guess you don't get too many people in here who start off with a gag problem to put some fun into the sessions."
"No," Randall agreed, "you'd be the first to come in with an opening monologue."
"Maybe this is the start of a new trend that will soon be sweeping the country and land me in the history books," JT kidded.
Within moments, Randall observed as the smile gradually left JT's face.
"Man, I still can't believe I decided to give this a shot," JT remarked.
He then considered his comment and didn't wish to seem like he was personally insulting the man facing him.
"No offense," he quickly added. "In the time we've been talking, you seem like a good guy. And you've got a really nice office."
"Thank you."
"Part of me expected dark lighting," JT explained. "Maybe a hypno-wheel in the corner. But it's just a regular office. Oh, and it's good that you have chairs in here. Even though you're not a psychiatrist, I was afraid you'd have a couch instead of chairs, and I wasn't going to go for that."
"What makes it difficult for you to believe you would come to talk to a counselor?" Randall questioned.
JT thought for a moment.
"Maybe it's because the only example of a counselor I ever knew about was the one at Degrassi," he soon replied. "I have friends who swear she was a big help to them, and I'm glad for them. But I'd sooner talk to someone with a split personality and take either version of his advice before I would've ever talked to her about something important."
"I see."
"I know that sounds cold," JT granted. "But get this… My first day back at school after my mother died, Ms. Sauve – that's Degrassi's excuse for a guidance counselor – stopped me in the hallway. She asked if I wanted to set up a time to meet with her to discuss how I was feeling. I'm not back one full day and this woman was in my face. Acting all polite but assuming I'd want to talk to her. I know lawyers have this reputation as ambulance chasers, but school counselors? She had this big sad look on her face when I told her it wasn't going to happen. It was so obvious she gets off on hearing people talk about their situations, then getting to give solutions which I bet come straight from fortune cookies."
"As with any field, you can't judge an entire profession based on one person or one experience," Randall suggested. "Also, while I won't criticize someone whose work I don't know, it's good to remember that not every counselor is the right one for every person."
"I know. Still, the whole idea of telling a stranger the personal details of your life just seems…odd. Even if that stranger IS up to the job."
"It's perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable, JT," Randall said in an effort to reassure the young man. "Perhaps you could tell me a little about what you're hoping will come out of this session."
JT's smile reappeared, as he wasted no time in answering this question.
"Well…I always wanted to take the ink blot test. I've heard that all the pictures are supposed to look like either food, butterflies, or women's private parts. And I want to see for myself if that's really true."
"Sorry. No ink blots. Just talking."
"Ah…well so much for today's opportunity for higher education," JT joked. "Hey, before I forget, there's something else I'm curious about. My doctor was telling me you also hold group counseling sessions."
"That's right," Randall confirmed.
"How does that work? Each person stands up and tells their story and then there's a vote at the end to see who's the most interesting or the most dysfunctional? Or who's both?"
"Not quite."
The two men then sat in silence for several moments, with JT uncertain about what to say next.
"So…what do you want me to talk about now?" he finally asked.
"That's up to you," Randall responded. "What would you LIKE to talk about?"
"I can talk about anything," JT informed him. "I talk to my friends all the time. I was always able to talk to customers at my theater. Give me a topic and I'm sure there's something interesting we could say about it. Or at least something humorous."
"What's it like to be back at work?" the counselor asked as a way to offer JT the direction he seemed to be seeking in this discussion.
"It's great," JT answered quickly and simply. "Next question?"
"Would you like to elaborate on your last answer first?"
"I'm not sure what you want me to say," JT explained. "I stay busy trying to keep the place running smoothly. Meetings, paperwork, customer service, dealing with employees… Next week we're shooting our first TV ad. So I work hard but have a lot of fun doing it. It's all about bringing entertainment to as much of the public as we can. How could I not have fun?"
"Has it been difficult returning to the place where you were assaulted?"
This time JT wasn't as quick with a response.
"It…it has its moments," he confessed after momentarily thinking about it. "But nothing I can't handle."
"But you aren't talking with customers anymore?"
JT considered this an odd question.
"Where did you get that idea?" he asked in response.
"From you."
"Then there must be another me around here who's invisible," JT said as he made a show of looking to his left and then his right for another person. "When did I say anything remotely like that?"
"Several moments ago," Randall revealed. "You said you talk to your friends all the time. Present tense. Then you said you were always able to talk to customers. Past tense."
"Thanks, but my school days are over. I don't need a grammar lesson. Of course I still talk to customers. Maybe not as much, but that's only because I've been busy playing catch up, plus preparing for the commercial. Not to mention getting engaged. So I don't always get to step outside the office and ask people if they're enjoying themselves or if there's anything they think we could be doing better. But I'm not getting any complaints either, so I don't always need to be front and center."
"That's true."
"And before you say it," JT added, "I know it's okay to be a little nervous being back. But it wasn't like this was a situation where a stranger stabbed me because he didn't like the movie he just saw or the quality of our popcorn. I could have been working in a supermarket and things probably would have ended up the same way."
"Do you think about him very much?" the counselor questioned.
"Him?"
"Your assailant."
"Oh. Him."
Though JT was slow to respond further, Randall had no intention of trying to rush him to speak.
"Jay Hogart," JT spoke up moments later. "The guy who puts the 'ass' in 'assailant.' Even calling him an ass is an insult to asses everywhere. Anyway, he's gone now. I'm sure all the other lunatics in his cell block are busy fighting to see who gets to make Jay their new girlfriend."
"But do you think about him very much?" Randall asked a second time, noticing that JT hadn't truly answered the question.
"Until all of this happened, I never thought about him except for the few times when he tried to slither back into my friend Sean's life. So don't you think it would be silly to give him any room in my thoughts now? It's not like he can hurt me anymore."
"You're right that he can't hurt you again. But I don't think it's silly if your thoughts occasionally return to him and what he did to you. After all, it was a life altering event, and still very recent. In fact, it's possible that the less you try to avoid such thoughts or push them to one side, the less likely you'll have the dreams you've had on occasion since the stabbing. The dream recalling what happened and the one where he assaults you a second time. Those were the two dream scenarios you mentioned during our preliminary phone discussion on Monday when setting up this appointment. Basically, time and talking about what happened are the big keys."
There was another period of silence before JT eventually spoke up again.
"You know, I was wrong before," he prefaced, sounding more cheerful than when he was discussing Jay. "I do know of one other counselor. Well, a psychiatrist actually. And not a real one."
"Someone illegally practicing psychiatry?" Randall asked.
As a counselor, he was familiar with people changing the subject when feeling uncomfortable. But with this session, he had a genuine curiosity about where JT's various detours would lead.
"No," JT answered. A comic strip character who did it part-time."
JT noticed the confused look on Randall's face.
"Don't you remember Lucy from the old Peanuts strips?" he went on to explain. "She had this setup outdoors that looked like a lemonade stand, only she was selling advice. The sign over the stand said, 'The Psychiatrist Is In — 5 Cents Please.' Then she'd give her words of wisdom. Saying what she thought even if Charlie Brown and the others didn't want to hear it. And she was funny while doing it. I can just imagine Paige with a setup like that when she was a kid. Paige is another friend of mine. She's a psych major now, and the one who said counseling can be a good thing after going through something like I did."
"I remember those comic strips, too."
"When I was little, my mother bought me the books that reprinted all those older strips " JT recalled fondly. "I guess she could tell even then that I liked things that were funny."
"It sounds like she was an encouraging presence in your life," Randall offered.
"Yeah," JT confirmed. "Hope you aren't too disappointed. After all, I've heard about how counselors and shrinks love to blame everything on the mother. But I had a good one."
"And your father…?"
"…Isn't worth wasting the time or the breath it would take to say his name," JT was quick to interject before more could be said, his tone becoming brusque. "He's not in the picture, and that's all I'm going to say about that topic."
Randall, sensing that if he asked for further details that JT might shut down on him, decided not to pursue the issue of JT's relationship with his father at this time.
"So…I take it humor has played an important role in your life," Randall commented.
Liking the change in direction the discussion was taking, JT once again felt more relaxed.
"You've got to enjoy life," JT responded. "And there's always room for comedy."
"Where does it fit for you?"
"I show old comedies on Saturdays. The occasional indie comedy during the week in between the dramas and documentaries. If someone's got a funny story or one-liner, I'm all ears. Best of all is when I can make someone laugh. If you can make someone laugh, I think it's a gift. And if you can give someone who's upset a reason to smile, even if it's just for a few seconds, you've really done something good."
"With everything that's happened, are you still finding things to laugh about?" Randall then asked.
"Sure."
"Who's able to make YOU laugh?"
"The short list?" JT questioned, knowing there were many people he could name.
"You decide."
"If we're talking films, we could be here all day. But the classic comedian and film guy who always makes me laugh is Groucho Marx. Whether it was the movies he starred in with his brothers or the quiz show he hosted later on, he always had a good one-liner. Never at a loss for a clever comeback. Even seeing some of the old interview footage with him, the guy just seemed to KNOW funny."
"And how about among the people you know?"
"I think most of my friends have their moments," JT explained. "Definitely Emma, which I guess is no surprise. We've known each other the better part of forever. She'd HAVE to have a good sense of humor to put up with me all this time. But the one who really stands out for me is someone most people would never expect to be funny. Sean."
"The friend you mentioned earlier who was once associated with Jay?"
"Yeah. Anyway, I don't mean he's telling jokes left and right. Sometimes it's not even so much what he says but the fact that he's said it at all."
"I don't understand," Randall admitted.
"You see, I've known this guy for years, but we only became friends late last year. He's never been the kind of person who's going to talk your ear off. But in getting to really know him, we've had conversations where he's been able to really make me laugh. There's this more lighthearted side of Sean's personality that not very many people get to see. But it's there, and I've got to say it's nice to be one of that handful of people he feels he can be so open around."
"So I take it there hasn't been any awkwardness between the two of you since the stabbing, what with his past connection to…"
"None," JT replied with certainty before Randall could even finish.
"Have you felt unusually uncomfortable around anyone in these past few weeks."
"No. I've felt more and more confident every day. That's why it was so annoying when I had the nightmare the other day. I thought those were done. But Paige told me it's natural to still have them every now and then."
"That's correct."
"But the thing she couldn't tell me is the thing I'm hoping you can."
JT then pointed toward the framed diploma hanging on the wall behind Randall's desk.
"After all, you've got your degree."
"I'll be glad to tell you if I'm able to," Randall assured.
"How long before I can know for sure that I've had my last dream about that night? Or about him coming back and doing it again. About all of that. What kind of timetable can you give me?"
"I'm sorry JT, but there IS no answer to those questions."
JT sighed upon hearing this.
"Great," he said with slight annoyance, feeling as though he'd taken a chance only to have wasted his time. "You should put that on a sign. 'No answers found here.' That would look great on your front door. Not that I'm really surprised. But I was open to the idea that someone with your level of knowledge might be able to give more than some vague maybes. It's obvious you still don't get it."
"Get what?"
"I wasn't at the wrong place at the wrong time," JT said.
He wasn't raising his voice, but there was definite frustration in his tone.
"It wasn't random," he continued. "Someone wanted to see me dead and almost made it happen. Doesn't matter that he's never lived one day of his life as a decent human being. Doesn't matter that I've always thought he was crazy. It's still someone who…"
JT stopped rather than finish his sentence. Rather than taking offense at the remarks directed at him, Randall felt as though JT was going in the right direction and truly opening up about his experience.
"Do you have any idea what it's like to know that someone not only feels you deserve to die, but is horrible enough to try to make it happen?" JT asked, but in a quieter tone than before. "How I spent so much time those first few days afterward thinking back to that night and wondering what I could have said – or not said – to keep what happened in my office from happening?
"You tell me not to avoid thoughts about what happened, but I HAVE thought about it. A lot. Except going over it again and again doesn't do any good, because it won't change anything. Jay was evil, no question. But I should have done something more or said something more. And when the dreams are finally gone for good, that'll be like a sign that this whole bad experience is finally over."
Randall started to speak, but JT noticed.
"Before you say what I bet you're about to say, you don't have to. I don't think it was my fault and I don't blame myself. But I still wish I'd come up with some way of dealing with him that night that wouldn't have ended up with me on the floor hoping my blood wasn't all going to leak out.
"And I'm not stupid. I know it's normal to have dreams about that night. Maybe it's even normal to have dreams about it happening all over again only with a worse outcome. But don't sit there and tell me there's no answer to my question about when I'll be done with the dreams."
"There's no answer," Randall finally interjected, "because you're not asking the right question. Instead of questioning when you'll stop having the dreams related to the stabbing, ask yourself things like: 'Do I understand that the worst is over?' 'Do I get the fact that I'm a survivor and that I'm in no way at fault for his horrible choice that night?' 'Can I accept the idea that the dreams may seem scary at the time but they can't really hurt me?'
"JT, it takes time for people who've been where you are to reach the point where they can solidly answer those kinds of questions. You have to allow yourself that time."
"Time," JT repeated after taking a deep breath. He felt calmer, though his tone was sarcastic. "I think Lucy actually gave better advice to Charlie Brown."
"Things must be moving along at a steady pace, though, since the frequency of the dreams is so low after such a relatively short amount of time."
"I guess," JT allowed.
"But the immediate recovery you'd like doesn't exist. Still, stepping out of your comfort zone and meeting with me here today is a very positive step."
"Thanks, but don't get used to seeing me."
"I think we're already making progress, but of course when and how often you return is up to."
"That's right," JT concurred. "Not to mention whether to come back at all. And even though there's still some time left today, I think we've reached the end of our first – and last – session."
"But…"
"There's not much left to say," JT continued before Randall could suggest that he reconsider his decision. "You said it'll take time. Not what I was hoping to hear, but I guess the part of my brain that works the night shift and deals with dreams is just slower than the rest of me when it comes to trying to move forward. I can deal with it. I've survived too much to let a few nightmares be the thing that gets me down. But I won't need your help to do that."
JT stood up, prompting Randall to do the same.
"I really wish that you would…"
"Thanks for taking the time to talk to me," JT again cut him off before reaching out to shake the counselor's hand. "I think you ought to learn to laugh a little more, but you're an okay guy."
Randall felt that, nightmares aside, there was still much more JT could talk about in coming to grips with the assault, and he was sorry that JT didn't wish to pursue such a conversation.
"If you change your mind, don't hesitate to call," he encouraged as JT started for the door.
Hearing that, JT smiled and turned back around.
"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. And I'm sure you still have lots of other people with enough problems to fill your day. Not as entertaining as me, of course, but maybe someone will come close. Hey, just give it time. Time… Isn't that supposed to be the key?"
JT opened the door and as he walked into the outer office he observed Emma sitting in a chair on the other side of the room looking at a magazine.
"Good article?" he asked.
Emma looked up. Surprised to see him so soon, she checked her watch.
"Don't you still have another 20 minutes?" she questioned as JT approached her.
"The man's a genius, Emma. Not only did he hypnotize me to stop having those dreams, but now I'm also fluent in French even though I've never spoken a word of it before. Just think…now I can finally understand everything that's said in those Pepe Le Pew cartoons."
Emma simply rolled her eyes.
"Actually, we're developing an act," JT continued. "He'll give out advice while I tell jokes. We're going on the road this Fall."
Emma put the magazine back on the small table in front of her chair, and then she stood up.
"Should I even ask if everything went okay?"
"It did, more or less" JT replied, seriously this time. "I hadn't had another bad dream since that one the other Sunday morning, but I figured maybe he'd have something worth hearing about staying bad-dream-free. But he didn't have much to say. Just that I'm supposed to be more patient and not expect to rush getting over stuff. Fine. I can work on that. But there's no reason for me to stick around and hear more of the same. So I'm not coming back again.
"It makes sense. With almost everything else being so great, now that he and I have covered the situation about having the dreams, I would've had to start inventing crazy stories for him to analyze just to keep him from getting bored by my otherwise happy life."
"Yeah, I don't think he'd appreciate that."
"You're right."
"So, how are you doing? Really."
"I'm good," he assured his fiancée. "Part of me wants to forget all the bad stuff with Jay. Part of me wants to remember everything because it means I lived to remember it. If I can get through that, I can get through anything. And I didn't need any counseling to figure that out about myself."
"And in good times or bad, you can always count on me to be there for you," Emma commented.
"Working on the wedding vows already, are we?" he teased, followed by a wink.
JT then wrapped Emma in a hug, feeling more comfortable in that moment than he'd felt since they first arrived at this office.
"Thanks again for coming along," he offered once their hub had come to an end. "If he'd tried to hook me up to some kind of brain-draining machine, I know you would have rescued me."
"You better believe it."
"Hope you weren't too bored out here."
"No," she replied, "the magazines on the table are only three months old. The ones in my dentist's office are at least six months to a year old."
JT laughed, and then he checked his watch.
"Hey, it's still a little early to get dinner. So before we do, feel like going for a drive and just talking for awhile?"
"I'd like that. But you mean you're not all talked out by now?"
JT looked back toward the private office he'd exited moments ago.
"In there…that's not for me. Too formal. Too judgmental. Even if it's not meant to be."
He then turned his head back to face Emma.
"Anyway, when it comes to sorting through the inner workings of my crazy mind, no counselor could ever come close to getting me the way you do."
"Now who's working on the wedding vows?" Emma teased while also being very touched by what he said. She then took hold of his hand. "Let's get out of here."
"Gladly," he said.
Leaving the outer office, the couple walked down the hallway until they reached the elevator that would take them to the parking garage.
"You know what someone ought to do?" JT asked as they stepped into the elevator. "I can't believe no one's tried it before."
"What's that?"
"Comedy counseling."
"What?" she questioned, looking confused.
"You've heard of those comedy traffic school classes, right?"
"Yeah, I've read about them. Where the teachers have some sort of comic background and supposedly inject a lot of humor into the standard curriculum."
"Right. Maybe the world needs some stand-up therapists and counselors."
"Planning a career change?"
"Never," he declared. "But if that kind of counselor couldn't give you good answers…the advice you got could at least be entertaining."
Next Chapter – That's Showbiz