Little Girl Lost

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This story is on an AU track.

Chapter 6: The Razor's Edge

"Morning, Captain." Serena set down the two coffees she was carrying, one on her desk and one on the desk across from hers. Only then did she realize that desk was unoccupied, and looked as if it had been since she'd left the night before. "Where's Zach? Not in yet?"

"Called in sick an hour ago," Hannah responded. "You're flying solo today."

"Got it, Captain," she replied a little distractedly, trying not to let him see her worry. It wasn't the idea of working without a partner that bothered her; she was more than competent and working alone for a day was nothing she hadn't done before. It was the fact that her partner had called in sick, something he barely ever did. Just the idea of Zach getting sick was unusual enough; the man had some kind of cast iron immune system, and she could count on both hands the number of times since she'd known him that he'd actually come down with anything. And even at that, he wasn't the type to call in for a minor cold or the like. He must be really sick. She made a mental note to drive by his house over lunch to check on him and see if he needed anything.

"Hey," she heard one detective say from somewhere behind her. "What's today? February nineteenth?"

"Twenty-first, airhead," the man's partner replied affectionately. "Have you ever considered getting professional help for that problem you have keeping track of dates? It's a miracle you come in to work on the right days."

The banter continued, but she didn't hear it. Something was nagging at her now. Today is February twenty-first. Something about that date felt vitally important, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

She flipped once through her calendar, but there was nothing there. Well, at least it's not a work thing I've forgotten. She did her best to put the question out of her mind. It wasn't vital, and the answer would no doubt come to her at some point.

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Zach lay on his side, having lost track quite a while earlier of how long he'd been staring at his bedroom wall. The passage of time had ceased to matter to him, and even if it hadn't, he doubted he'd be able to turn over and look at the clock. He'd used up all the energy he had to call himself in sick when he had realized that getting out of bed wasn't going to happen.

For a moment, he thought he heard his front door swing open and then click shut. But he dismissed the notion as soon as it occurred to him. You're hearing things, he told yet, it sounded so real; he could almost swear he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. But it didn't make sense. It wasn't like someone could have broken in without making a lot more noise than the sound of an opening door. And, if he was to be honest with himself, it hardly mattered. He felt so awful, he couldn't even bring himself to care about the possibility.

And then he heard his bedroom door creak open, and a voice. "Zach?"

Serena. Of course. It shouldn't have surprised him that she'd pay him a visit after finding out he'd called in sick. "Zach?" she repeated softly. "You awake?"

"Yes."

She stepped around the bed, coming into his field of vision. "How are you feeling?"

"About the same."

She laid a gentle hand on his head. "Well, you don't seem to have a fever. What are your symptoms?"

He reached up to clasp her hand. "I appreciate the concern, Serena, but this isn't physical. It's not something you can make better with a little care."

She flinched suddenly, closing her eyes momentarily and taking in a sharp breath. "Of course. February twenty-first - today's Andrea's birthday, isn't it?"

"She's nine today," he said by way of confirmation. "I should be celebrating with her. Only she's out there somewhere," he waved towards the window with a limp hand, "and I'm here alone. And it - damn it, it hurts so much I can't even breathe."

Serena moved her hand back to his head, this time just running it over his hair in hopes of providing some small measure of comfort. "Zach, I'm sorry. I should've remembered. Have you just been lying here all day?"

"I can't get up," he whispered. "I don't want to anyway. I just - I just want to lie here until I stop feeling anything."

"Oh, Zach," she whispered softly, full of pain for him. "I should've been by first thing this morning."

"It's okay. Wouldn't have mattered."

She ran her hand through his short hair again. "Yes, it would have. Even if all you want to do is lie in bed, you shouldn't be alone right now. Is there someone I can call for you, to stay for the next few hours until my shift is over?"

Silence reigned for a few moments as he racked his overwrought mind. He didn't have that many friends, especially friends he was close enough to call on for help, but he knew his partner would refuse to leave until someone else was there to look out for him. Megan, like Serena, would be at work. Who did that leave?

The answer came to him finally, cutting through the fog. "My mom. Her, um, her number is in my phone. Just tell her who you are."

She gave his hand a quick squeeze. "Okay."

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Serena slowly turned the key in the lock on her best friend's front door. She'd gone back to work after Zach's mother had arrived, but she hadn't been able to concentrate. All of her thoughts had remained in this house, and she'd bolted from her desk the moment her shift was over.

She was met just before the stairs by an older woman she'd met just a few hours earlier. "Mrs. Nichols."

She smiled. "Please, call me Charlotte. My sons' friends always have."

"Okay...Charlotte. Speaking of which -"

"Zach's asleep finally," she said softly, anticipating Serena's question. "Dropped off about half an hour ago."

The detective grimaced. "Rough afternoon?"

Charlotte nodded sadly. "He really loves her, doesn't he? I never saw them together, but..."

"I have, and he does," she confirmed. "They were - are - closer than a lot of my daughter's friends are to their biological parents. It wasn't one-sided by any means either. He's devoted to her, but she idolized him just as much."

"You have a daughter?" Charlotte asked. "How old?"

"Twelve," Serena replied, a smile filling her face as she thought of Kira.

The older woman smiled too. "They grow up so fast, don't they? Now, don't tell your partner I said this, but sometimes it still feels like yesterday when he and his brother were little boys." Her smile faded. "No matter how old they get, you still want to hold them close and protect them from the world like you did when they were babies. But of course, you can't. I can't. Can't protect him from this."

"I can't imagine. I get upset when I can't protect Kira from bullies on the playground."

Charlotte glanced behind her, up the stairs. "And what's worse is that what I'm feeling - I know that he feels that too. On top of everything else, he's torn up thinking that something could be happening to her that he can't protect her from."

"It almost makes me feel bad for all the times I've complained about missing my daughter when she's with her father. I mean, she's there right now, and yes I'd rather she was with me, but...for God's sake, I know where she is. I know I'll see her again in a couple of days. I know she's safe with someone else who would die before he'd hurt her. Zach -"

"Don't do that to yourself, honey," Charlotte said gently. "What Zach is going through doesn't diminish what you feel being separated from your daughter, nor should it. More than one person is allowed to feel bad at a time."

Serena couldn't help a soft laugh. "It does sound a little silly when you say it like that."

"I've had years to come up with that response. Without getting into specifics, it's a common misconception. Some people direct it outwards, others, like you - and Zach - direct it in towards yourselves."

"I can see it in Zach," she admitted, "but it's always harder to reflect on yourself."

"All that matters is, do you miss Kira?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll tell you what, how about I stay for another ten minutes so you can call your daughter without worrying about my son? Assuming your ex is okay with it, of course."

"He would be," she replied reflexively. "It's part of our agreement, we don't restrict each other's calls to her."

"Then make the call. Today's one of those days that just makes you want to hug your children, isn't it? Or at least make sure they're okay?"

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If Serena had been surprised to hear that her partner was headed to the roof of the precinct, it was nothing compared to what she saw there.

"Zach!" She tugged the gun from his unresisting fingers. "What the hell?"

He turned to look at her, and the pain in his eyes almost tore out her soul. "I wasn't going to do it."

"Then what were you going to do?" she demanded, more harshly than she'd intended. Finding him turning the weapon in his hands had sent her adrenaline level skyrocketing.

"I was - thinking about it," he admitted after a moment, grimacing, knowing how she was likely to react. "I hurt so much, Serena. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on like this. But I'm not going to hurt myself. I can't. Apart from what it would do to all of you...my baby's out there somewhere and she needs me. I can't let her down."

She carefully set the weapon down, a safe distance from his reach, and then closed the gap between them. "Oh, Zach, I had no idea it was that bad. Why didn't you just say something?"

"Tell you your partner can barely hold the pieces of his life together? What good would that do?"

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "We're more than partners, Zach. We're friends. At least, I thought we were."

"We are," he sighed. "I didn't mean - I just meant, there's nothing you can do. Nothing anyone can do. Why should I burden you with this when it wouldn't change anything?"

Serena suddenly stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his thin frame. Without any conscious intent, his own arms came up around her shoulders, his long fingers clutching at her shirt, his head lowering to rest on top of hers. She knew the instant he began to cry, his back trembling, his tears soaking into her hair. "You're right that I can't bring her back to you, though I wish more than anything that I could. But that doesn't mean that I can't be here for you."

"What can you do?"

The words were rough and laced with pain, but Serena could take a bit of solace in the fact that that hadn't been a snarky remark, but a genuine question. "Whatever I can. But just tell me what's going on from now on, okay? I can't help you if I don't know what we're up against."

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Finding her partner sitting alone in front of the river wasn't exactly a reassuring sight for Serena, not after what had taken place barely a week earlier. She approached him slowly, not wanting to startle him. "Zach?"

He looked up and, to her surprise, gave her a weak but genuine smile. "How'd you find me?"

"Took a guess," she replied, smiling too now that it seemed less likely her partner was preparing to do something stupid. "Or maybe asked a few vendors," she admitted. "You're pretty hard to miss."

"You're still worried about me."

"Last week, I actually thought you might kill yourself. Yeah, I'm worried."

"I'm not going to."

"Yes, you said. She's still out there somewhere, and -"

"No. I mean, yes, but that's not the whole reason anymore." He looked away, his eyes fixing on the horizon again. "It's been over two months since I lost my baby girl, and I miss her every moment of every day. And I will until I can hold her safe again. I'll never be able to move past it, but...I think I need to start living again. Even if that pain is always there, I can't let it stop the clock on my life anymore."

She knelt down beside her partner on the snow-covered grass, wrapping her arms around him. "That's good, Zach. That's really good."

He turned into the embrace. "That's why I'm here," he murmured. "Last week made me realize I need something more than going through the motions while waiting for something that may never come - I know the odds. So I came here to think about how that would work. Guess I lost track of time."

"Well, some things never change, at least," she teased, and was gratified to again see him smile in response. "How's your thinking coming?"

"Slow but steady," he replied, turning his head to again look at the river. "It feels like I'm really seeing the world for the first time since December. That's part of why I got lost looking at the river. All my life I've always been so tuned in to everything going on around me, and these last few months it's been like all that just turned off. I've been walking around in some kind of extended daze." He took a long breath, letting the cold air fill his lungs. "It's nice to feel something besides pain again."

She hugged him close. "You deserve it, Zach."

Wow...this was a lot harder to write than I anticipated. Hands down the hardest scene was the rooftop. I don't think Nichols (or my conception of him) would actually do himself harm, but in researching for this story I found stories of people who considered suicide in desperate situations, even without ever making an attempt. I wrestled for a long time with the question of whether to include it or not, and ultimately decided I should, but it also gave rise the scene that shows Zach finally finding a measure of peace, which offsets the grimness of that a bit.

The airhead who can't keep track of dates is me shamelessly making fun of myself. I needed something to plant the seed in Serena's mind and that seemed to be a good way to do it.

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