Chapter 16
Tris
I push it down,
Push it down,
*1 month earlier*
June 21st2014,
Dear diary,
As of lately things in my life has been increasing getting better. Although I don't really feel the happiness I should, or the healthy sadness for all I've lost. Instead the numbness settled on myself yet again. It crushes me with every breath I take and eats me alive. I shared no compassion, heart to heart confession with anybody. And I hate myself for it, it's the hole I call my problems was undug only to be redug. Wow that sounds pathetic. Sure I'll have those moments of shire bliss, were I feel everything at once but it's not the same as being able to express my feelings with you, or even fell anything for that matter.
Most of the time, I try to feel but I just can't. As if someone tied up my emotions and threw them away with the trash. As if someone took my, already blacked heart, out of my body completely. I do wish I could feel but then don't because if I can feel I can hurt. And if I can hurt, someone is bound to screw me over for they always do. And I fear feeling for someone, something because with the whisk of a finger they could be gone in a flash.
So I refuse to get attached, I resist the temptation to be loved, to love. Leave my past behind me, because if I keep looking back it will only slow me down… right?
As of my departure from the hospital I have been living with my brother and his wife, Cara, an ER doctor my brother meet through a friend. Cara is a difficult figure, with an off, on like switch. One day she'll be a great sister-in-law the others, a queen bitch. Although they aren't home much I do what I can for them, like cooking, doing washing, helping them when they need it. I do admit, though at times it gets quite lonely.
I started physical therapy for my injuries I received in the car accident that nearly killed myself and another girl, I have come to as Lynn, and severely injured my half-sister, Jordan.
Jordan and I have spent most of our spare time together, talking about random things such as sushi or cake. She happens to be just shy of two years older than me and no longer has a family after the death of her mother, Tori, two years ago. She is basically my only friend and I appreciate her for sticking around though, sometimes the nightmare are too much, the memories too vivid and I break down.
As of two weeks I have been attending AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) every Thursday. I no longer drink accessibly and have complete control over that part of my life. I do admit I have not yet shared my story with the group because not as many things as I had wished had been solved.
No, I have not yet told the blue eyed mystery the truth, even though I promised the truth to him.
It's cowardly of me, trust me, I know.
But there's something more to the famous Four, his eyes hold stories as old as himself and he forces them down. Perhaps he is like me, stories that are meant to be shared kept hidden for reasons unknown. Perhaps he is uncomfortable with the world knowing things that could potentially ruin him and his reputation. Or maybe it's the way he was brought up, like me, told not to burden people with our problem for they could potentially be going through worse and I know that even though it's an act of selflessness is not the best way to live.
I feel for him. I know what it's like to stop myself from telling people things. To think that others would be hurt, to forget about myself. To look away from the mirror because I will be my undoing if I become my obsession…
Right?
Wrong.
Most of the time the best option is to forget yourself and help others, yes but we must remember ourselves. We must be kind to each other but not let people blow over us. Tell the truth when it's needed but remember people have feelings. Use the knowledge we obtain as an advantage, not against someone. Be brave. Face fears, head on. Look passed the danger and help but learn to use it properly. Forget brutal force, bullying because sometimes being brave is completely adapting yourself to be a better person for it can be a task as hard as a war itself.
I'm going to do it when I'm ready. That's when I'll tell him. It may be months for this moment or even years but it'll be when I'm ready.
I still have no idea or what I'll do what I'll say but at least I will have fulfilled my promise. The one I gave him that horrid day.
Somehow that two days were the best and worst days of my life. I almost died twice, but I managed to tell the mysterious blue eyed pop star. That day I saw my mother, she gave me the will to fight. I saw my brother, who I forgave that same day, who I love, who offered me a place to live despite everything wrong with me.
That's what family is for, right?
That's it for today,
~Tris
*1 month later*
July 21st2014
"Caleb! I'm going out to a friend's place, I'll be back later!" Tris yelled up the stairs to her brother who seemed to be taking his time getting out of bed on the Monday morning. Of course he had the day off on holiday.
Tris waited for an answer but her brother did nothing to even remotely acknowledge her. She sighed, she then grabbed a pen and paper off the kitchen counter in front of her. She wrote a simple note with the smallest detail she could possibly use. Hoping her brother would leave her alone without calling or anything to disturb the chat she would be having with a certain bye eyed boy.
Since moving in with Caleb, Tris couldn't get Four out of her head. She couldn't sleep, without having the memories of the lies, flashing in her eyes and an ache burn itself deep in her chest, were her heart belonged. She couldn't sleep without his face burning in her brain. Every single detail tattooed itself to her eyelids, his deep ocean blue eyes made her drown. She'd never felt this way before about anybody and she hated it. The way he claimed her mind when it went silent, the way he found himself in every little thought she could think. Tris hated the fact she was completely and utterly out of control.
Tris had fought with herself for nights. She had no idea what to say what to do, but with a burst of confidence she found herself on her new motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket and black skinny jeans, threw on her black and red rose helmet she received from her brother for all the times he missed her birthday.
She cried only once since moving in with Caleb, when she had explained to him what had happened over the years were he was no were to be seen in her life. Other than that it was as if Tris had put herself in an emotionless coma. She hadn't been happy, really, when Caleb offered to let her stay at his house, only grateful. It wasn't as bad as before, she will eat full meals and some snacks, she no longer drinks with the same intensity or for the same reason, she won't even, so much as even pick up the bottle.
But…
She still doesn't feel, she still hates herself, still blames herself for the murder of her parents. She feels nothing but the guilt, for being a burden to everyone around her or close to her. She hated it, she hated herself for it, she basically was at war with herself all over again.
Tri slammed her hands onto the handle bars of her bike and rode off down the deserted road.
What if he hates me for the time I took away from him?
Or the way I tell the truth?
What if he doesn't like the truth?
What if he no longer wants to see me, again?
What if…
And the list went on and on. Tris went over every single 'what if' that paced over her mind but one.
What if he ended up…
Loving her?
She marched up the stairs after sneaking through a crowd of people, to get to the apartment unnoticed. Her hands shook, her almost lost her footing a few times and she felt a bile rise in her throat. God, she was extremely nervous. Actually nervous wouldn't cut for how anxious Tris was.
Her head spun as she knocked against the hard black wood of the door to fours apartment.
He lives here? She thought to herself for it was awfully modest for a world renowned singer, song writer and actor. With the amount of money he made, he was expected and pressured in to living in expensively large homes or flats but instead he opted for something less expensive and fancy. The apartment building he did live in was an expensive choice, yes, with most of the homes having two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms, and a den on the second story of the home (all of which were updated to be at the standards of modern technology and design).
She could faintly here someone rummaging through door that sat between her and an obvious what if. She kept her eyes trained on the floor that lied under her Doc Martine's (a gift from Caleb and Cara) as the handle to this door twisted, awfully slowly almost in annoyance. She snapped her eyes up as the door swung open and blushed furiously.
There stood the blued eyed pop star, there stood the man with countless stories hidden beneath the surface. There stood the man who waited, patiently, for two whole months for the truth she had promised him.
Be brave. Her mother's last words and death wish, rung in her head as she looked down at the floor, cheeks a flame.
"Hi," she said and lifted her head to be met with an extremely shocked Four. His hair mussed and stuck out in places.
"Uhg… hi?" he said but came out more of a question. She let out a nervous laugh and subconsciously scratched her arm. "OH, um, do you, ah, want to, um, come in?" he asked her, while scratching at the back of his neck, nervously.
She had the power to make Four, the emotionless super star, nervous?
"Sure." She said as he moved out of the way so she could make her way into his home. As she had predicted it was modest for someone like him but also awfully large for someone like her.
"so you can, um, just take a seat right over there," he said still as nervous as she was, whilst pointing to a plush white arm chair. "Do you want anything to drink?"
"No thank you, I quite alright." She declined, despite her mouth having gone dry because she was most likely to spill it for her hands were still shaking.
He took a seat on th coach that found itself in fornt of her pale blue eyes. She took a deep breath and begun.
"My life turn upside down in high school. I hated school, more than anything i ever hated before. A girl, Molly, would always pick on me for being a goody two shoes, a smart ass, Molly called me too fat to even be human. I had cried myself to sleep but was too selfless to let anyone know I had been struggling, I should have known better. The only person that knew what happened on a daily basis was Al.
"Al, a good friend of mine, had been the only one I cared for really. He was my only supporter, he got me through life when I had wanted to die, but after the death of my parents, I guess leaned to heavily on him and he walked away. Of course I was devastated, it was the first time I tried to commit suicide and definitely not the last time. Word had gotten around school of what had happened and Al came to me." She paused, years had gone by but she was still affected by it the same way.
"He told me to kill myself that I was just a piece of worthless shit. I broke down right then and there, I could hear the laugh of those brainwashed teens. I tried to kill herself again but later resorted to alcohol as my permanent solution.
"At grad, everyone showed up hugging and crying because they wouldn't see each other on a daily basis, I stood in the background only half into it. I was still buzzed from an earlier celebration I gave myself for graduating. I hardly even noticed when a boy came to see me. He took me by the shoulders and only then did I notice who this boy was. Al. I hated him, I wished I could have cause him pain. All of the pain I had felt after he left.
"He had come to ask forgiveness for his sins, forgiveness in which I could never give him. And I told him that. I let her feelings for him pour out of her now blackened soul, she told him how much she hated him, how much he had ruined her life. I had turned away and left a tearful Al standing in the corner.
"Al had killed himself that night. That night that was supposed to be a happy and celebrative night. People came by his family's house offering condolences but found no one there. I had stayed in my family's house cooped up in my parent's bed as I cried, it was all my fault. If I had just forgiven him-"
"Tris, you can't blame yourself for his actions. Please, it's not your fault." Four said to her, it was comfort in which she did not deserve.
"Anyways, I mentioned that my parents had died and I'm going to tell you how," she begun and choked back a sob. "On my eighteenth birthday, I turned on the world. I was out shopping with my parents when a robber took control of the small shop. He told everyone to put their phones on the table but my parents refused. They tried to call 911 twice. The first time they were cut off and second time they succeeded only to be shot down, right in front of me, their now eighteen year old daughter. Tris had never been the same. Unlike everyone else I didn't go to university the next year. Instead I stayed home and drank myself sick." She looked up at Four to find he had found his way over to her. He kneeled in front of her.
"Tris, I want you to know that I've done something's and not done something's that I now regret. You see, my father was never the nicest person. He beat my mother and murdered her when I was four. Then he beat me for every single thing I ever did wrong." Four began as he pulled his shirt off to reveal a tattooed back. Tris ran her down the inked skin to find it uneven and covered in scars. She gasped and pulled away. "When I was 19 he decided to rob a jewelry store, I knew what he was doing and that he had a gun in his pants but I did nothing. I watched as he murdered a mother and a father with six shots, six bullets. And I did nothing. So before you go blaming yourself for your parent's death, think of me first." He got up and walked away to the kitchen.
"Four," She said with tears in her eyes, not because she blamed him but because she felt his pain. "I know what its like to suffer in silence. Trust me I do. So I'm not going to let you do that to yourself any longer." She wiped her eyes.
"Please," He said taking a step toward her as she stood up.
"Tris," Another step.
"Call me," Another step.
"Tobias" Another step.
"Okay," She said as he took another step.
"Tobias." Another step.
"It's nice," he said taking another step.
"To hear," Another step.
"My name again." Another step. He leaned and rested his head on her forehead, their breathing mingled, noses touching. He looked in her eyes then glanced down at her lips.
"You're not mad? You don't detest me? Hate me with all you heart?" With every word his lips grazed hers leaving a buzzing felling on them.
"No," she said smiling. "How could I ever hate someone like you?" she asked.
And his answer…
He kissed her.
She poured her whole being into the kiss. And he did the same.
They moved like dancers with grace, they told each other stories in the kiss. They moved all the way to his bedroom where he laid her down on the bed, kissing up and down her neck sucking on sensitive spots, causing her to moan in pleasure.
He smiled as she pulled of her own shirt, her jacket was long gone, revealing a black and pink lace bra.
"Are you sure?" He asked her.
And in the heat of the moment she answered, "Yes."
They went all the way.
Both of them losing their virginity.
Tris waited in till Tobias was asleep fully before pulling herself out of the sheets and getting dressed. Tears ran down her cheeks as she looked at him one last time.
She wrote a note saying some lame excuse for her leaving and stuck it on the fridge.
It wasn't the truth.
She was running from the need to feel love, getting too close.
But she had fallen for the blue eyed boy, hard.
And was running from it because everything that falls breaks…
Right?
Hey guys,
immmmmm back!
booyah! 3065 words! hell yah beotches
hope you liked this chapter ;)
FOURTRIS FLUFFFFFFFFF!
hahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA im soo evil. lol.
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