A/N: Can I just give a quick shoutout to those who continue to read this story? You guys are the best and I love you. So this chapter is interesting for me. I realized I labeled this story as "Leah, Jacob, Bella, Paul," but we don't get enough of the last guy. I mean, we've had Bella/Jacob interactions, plenty of Leah/Bella interactions, Leah/Paul of course, and Leah-talking-about-Jacob in typical Leah manner, but never much on Jacob and Paul. (And there's Bella-Paul interaction later, naturally.) I've planned this chapter for a while now, but I'm glad it's finally materialized. (And if you see this chapter mirror chapter 24, thanks. I did that on purpose.) So here is chapter 42.

So this chapter is interesting for me. I realized I labeled this story as "Leah, Jacob, Bella, Paul," but we don't get enough of the last guy. I mean, we've had Bella/Jacob interactions, plenty of Leah/Bella interactions, Leah/Paul of course, and Leah-talking-about-Jacob in typical Leah manner, but never much on Jacob and Paul. (And there's Bella-Paul interaction later, naturally.) I've planned this chapter for a while now, but I'm glad it's finally materialized. (And if you see this chapter mirror chapter 24, thanks. I did that on purpose.) So here is chapter 42.

I don't own Twilight. Obvs.

Enjoy.

XLII.

are you deranged like me? are you strange like me?
lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me?
do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me?
pointing fingers 'cause you'll never take the blame like me?

New year, Bella thought to herself, new me.

So it wasn't really the new year, but it was two weeks after Bella's twentieth birthday, and a Friday. It was a new year for adulthood. Maturity. Grown up shit was the way she put it mentally.

That Friday was her last day at the Newtons' store—for good. She'd put in her two weeks on her birthday as a gift to herself because as much as she liked not doing any work and getting paid for it, that wasn't how life really worked itself out and she found herself more and more suicidal there as the days went by. Mike Newton didn't even work there anymore, and he was the last person that she'd known. Replacing him were a gang of high school juniors—it made Bella feel older than ever, and she would have preferred to die than to take the open position of part-time manager.

So she ran instead. It was kind of her talent. Except she ran to a good place—she ran into another job at a daycare, of all job opportunities, where she had no room to be flaky. It was such an unexpected move that Jacob didn't believe her when she first told him.

It was a Sunday morning and it truly felt easy. They were walking along First Beach (which was even prettier when she was sober), taking in the very last breaths of summer as they were about to ease into their third week of college and her first day at a new job.

"I start at my new job tomorrow," she told him. They walked close, hand-in-hand. It was as easy as breathing despite everything in the past.

"You got tired of selling tents and backpacks?"

"Fuck all that," she replied.

"Damn. I was gonna miss having camping trips with you, since you're such an expert."

Bella immediately grew red and looked up at him. For some reason, she had been hoping that he would move past that. She didn't regret it or anything since it had been a fun time, but it was surprising how he brought up their first time just like that. They'd switched places; he was bold now, and she remained modest.

He started laughing. "Chill, Bells."

"Ha, ha," she said dryly. "You're so funny, Jake."

"Aw," he said. "I had fun that time."

"Me, too."

"So where's your new job?"

"Sunshine Childcare. It's in Forks."

"Listen, you're way too smart to come up with something that dumb."

"No, like, I really do have a job there now. I start tomorrow, actually."

"Childcare?" he asked. "Really?"

"What's not to believe?" she replied.

"One, you hate kids. And—"

"That is so not true," she interrupted.

"Almost every time you see one crying in public, you just go, 'Gross.'"

"Okay, well, that part is true," she admitted.

"And two," he continued, "you curse like a sailor."

"Oh, fuck off," she said, pushing him in the arm.

"You know you can't beat up on those little kids like you beat up on me, right?" he asked.

"Then that's why I have you for practice." She smiled up at him with the same devilish grin that reminded him of trouble. That smile also reminded him of summer and it felt like a million bucks.

That was where he was all torn up.

He knew he shouldn't treat her the same way that he had treated her before. He knew she didn't want to be fake or pretend. And he knew more than anything that he had to see her as a real person. Why was that the hardest part?

Oh, right. He was a fucking idiot.

So Bella smiled at him with that look of trouble, and he didn't know how to see her as a human being, a companion, rather than a thing that he was used to having sex with. And he just smiled back.

This was her walking the sidewalks and smelling the roses and breathing the air. This was her living and he loved it. He still loved it.

I am so screwed, he thought.

From the get-go at Sunshine Childcare, Bella knew that working there would be a major adjustment. For one thing, she had to work from ten to six, three days a week since she had classes on two days. And on those days, she did closing half shifts. Working at the Newtons had been nonchalant and with varying shifts. But this new job was one for a true Adult. She knew that especially because she had to cover up the tattoo she had gotten in Venice with Kim.

And even besides the shifts and dress code, Bella knew that daycares, in general, were something else. She had read the employee manual. It had specific rules that she would never find anywhere else. The one that struck out the most to her was that employees were not allowed to tell parents if their kid took their first steps or said their first words. Bella understood why, but it was still strange.

Sunshine was a special place, that was for sure. Upon entering the building, she regretted taking the job immediately. She could hear the children laughing and playing. She didn't understand how they had so much energy when it was literally ten in the morning.

A semi-familiar unnatural blonde with a real smile greeted Bella near the front door. "I take it that you're Bella?" she asked, sticking her hand out.

Bella shook her hand firmly. "Yeah," she said, feigning an air of excitement.

"I'm Lauren. I think I saw you at your orientation for a second, but I was busy."

Bella suddenly remembered seeing Lauren cleaning up little kid vomit in the library area just the other day at orientation. That was why she was so familiar.

"Oh, yeah," Bella replied.

Lauren nodded towards the main area. "Let's get started."

The next morning, Bella called Jacob. She didn't know, but she felt herself falling back into him. She somehow felt that she deserved to talk to him again because she was taking better care of herself these days, but some part of her still felt strange and slightly off-kilter. She knew he was the same way. And what could she say? He liked her insane. So she couldn't really blame herself. She was being selfish and she didn't care.

Still, she hoped he liked her enough to pick up the phone. She wasn't that surprised when he did.

"Hey," he said brightly.

"Hey."

"You sound awful," he said bluntly.

Her nose was slightly stuffed up. She could tell she was catching a cold. "Already?" she asked. "Ugh. I spend one day with those snotty little kids and I get sick."

He chuckled. "Good first day?"

"Despite the fact that I've probably been sneezed on about twelve times, yeah. It's not bad." She paused. "I would have called you last night but when I got home, I had dinner and dropped asleep."

"It's okay," he said, slightly freaking out over the fact that she had wanted to call him last night. "Are they good kids, though?"

"I don't know," she replied. She looked through the blinds of her window. It was an overcast day and summer had slipped between her fingers. "They're mostly just problem kids. Like, the daycare is pretty cheap compared to others so a lot of poorer families around here go to it. And the kids have attitude problems and shit like that. They're either aggressive little shits or really quiet. A lot of them don't get meals at home, too."

"Damn. That's a lot to deal with."

"Yeah. And I know I hate kids and all, but I just feel… bad, you know?"

"Why? They're not your problem."

"I guess they're not," she agreed, "except they sort of are."

"It'll get better, Bells," he said. "Need me to bring you some soup?"

She laughed softly. "Don't worry about it."

"Are you still going to school today?"

"Yeah, I guess," she said. "Are you coming to get me?"

"Definitely."

"Thanks, Jake."

"No problem, Bells."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

Bella had worked three full shifts at the daycare before she decided she was losing whatever edge she had. She was still physically sick from all the kids, but she couldn't help but think back on nicer days. There was still a part of her who longed for the trouble of summer. Somewhere deep down, that girl who had shown up to the beach with razor blades and a lock in a sock was still thriving. It was scary, but Bella supposed she could live with it.

Driving home from work on Thursday, Bella passed by a couple of old, rusty motorcycles with a cardboard sign next to them that said, Free. She had never U-turned so fast to go retrieve those motorcycles.

She didn't even call Jacob to let him know she was coming, so when he heard the iconic rumbling of her pickup truck, he didn't know what to expect, naturally.

He met her outside when she pulled up, and he wondered what was underneath the tarp covering the bed of her truck.

"Jacob," she began once she got out of her truck, "what do you know about motorcycles?"

He shrugged. "A little. Embry and I started fixing up a dirt bike a while ago but we never finished. Why?"

"Well..." She pursed her lips. "I recently acquired a couple of bikes, and they're not in the greatest condition. I was wondering if you could get them running?"

"Cool," he said easily. "We can give it a try."

"The thing is," she explained as a warning, "Charlie doesn't approve of motorcycles. If he ever found out about this, he'd… he'd..." She struggled to find the right words. "He'd bust a nut."

Jacob exploded with laughter. It took him a little while to calm down, and she couldn't help but laugh with him. His reaction had been funnier than her choice of words.

"Don't worry about me telling my dad or Charlie," he said once he composed himself. "Just don't ever say that again."

"Understood. Oh, and I'll pay you."

"Please, Bella. It's no big deal."

"Then how about a trade?" she offered.

"Such as?"

"You can have the other bike, but you have to teach me how to build and ride it."

"Fair enough. But do you mind if I ask something?"

"Go ahead," she said.

"Why do you care what Charlie thinks? You're twenty."

"Jake, you sound so white right now," she groaned. "He's the chief of police. His house, his rules."

"He literally threatened to have you arrested for almost killing Leah at the beach," he reminded her.

"I'm an adult in the eyes of the law, I guess," she said, "but not in the eyes of a dad. I don't know. Just don't say anything, though."

"Need me to pinky promise, then?" His tone was slightly teasing. He stuck out his pinky.

She hooked hers onto his and leaned in close. "Good boy," she said.

They stayed locked in like that for a moment. He pressed his forehead onto hers, and she shut her eyes.

"I don't know why," he whispered, "but I still miss you, Bells."

"Jake, trust me," she replied. "I feel the same way."

The cool air blew around them, but they remained warm. Maybe that was just the way things were supposed to be.

With her eyes still closed, she brought her lips up to kiss him. It was timid but timeless.

"Wait a minute," he whispered. "Do you still want me to call you Blue?"

She shook her head. "I don't wanna be Blue anymore."

"Okay."

In that moment, Jacob knew that Bella was truly perfect for him.

That autumn, Jacob and Bella's weekends were solely dedicated to motorcycles and each other. It hadn't taken them long to fall back into their old ways, except they had a more sober and less obsessive approach to it. They now had lives outside of each other and a bed. The closeness with a good amount of space was perfect.

Despite the space, though, Jacob didn't really spend time around anyone else. He still worked on the reservation, this time in a souvenir shop, but the rest of his time consisted of Bella, Bella, Bella, just the way he liked it. He never really acknowledged it as a problem until Paul did.

Paul and Jacob weren't best friends. They were as close as any other two guys who had grown up together on the rez. They weren't like Embry and Seth or Quil and Kim; they existed around each other, but not with each other. Jacob didn't mind, though. Paul was flighty and annoying and he just loved Leah, which meant he had to be crazy.

In early October, it was Paul who had called Jacob and told him to meet him at the beach. Jake didn't know if they were going to fight or anything, but then he realized they weren't Bella and Leah. Not at all. For one thing, while they weren't close, they could somewhat stand to be together.

"Haven't seen you in a while," Paul said when they met up. He leaned against a tree casually.

"Yeah, it's good to see you, bro," Jacob replied. "What's up?"

"Nothin'. I was just wondering if you were alive."

"Well, here I am. Living. Breathing."

"We all missed ya at the bonfire the other night."

"Oh, really?" Jacob hadn't even been invited. "I'm just now getting over a cold." That part was actually true; he'd caught the cold from Bella.

"Yeah, that's what Bella said, too," Paul said.

"So that's what you're getting at?" Jacob asked.

"Kinda, yeah."

"Well, what do you wanna know?" His voice was edging on defensive. "Or what does Leah wanna know?"

"Hey, don't be so touchy, now," Paul said. "And leave Leah out of this."

"Then what is it? Because me and Bella haven't thought of you or Leah in… oh, I don't know, a month? So I don't see why you care about us now."

"It's just weird." Paul's voice was nonchalant. "I mean, it came out of nowhere."

"We were together just before she went with Leah and the rest of them to Seaside."

"Seaside?" Paul asked with an incredulous look. "That's what she told you?"

Jacob tried not to show how confused he really was. "Yeah, that's what she told me."

"Damn, that's—you know what, never mind." Paul just laughed.

"Get to your point, Paul," Jacob said.

"You know what you are, Jake?" Paul finally began. "Do you know what kind of motherfucker you are?"

Jake watched him light a cigarette. Paul really thought that shit made him look cool. He also thought judging everybody else without looking at himself made him look cool, too.

"What?" Jacob asked. "What the fuck am I today?"

Paul took a long drag of his cigarette. He always thought that closing his eyes on the first drag made him look deep and alluring; it really made him look desperate. He was a poser, and everyone could only tolerate it for so long. Jacob knew Leah wasn't exactly stupid, but he couldn't see what she saw in Paul. The guy was such a fake. And a shark, too. He was just like the rest of them—he came swimming the second there was a hint of any blood.

"You're too still," Paul told Jacob. "It makes me sick. You're fuckin' static, man. You're dating that white girl to make you feel something when you're really just sitting there stuck in your own personal hell, not changing at all. You don't try to change, and you never want to."

Jacob couldn't believe he was hearing this shit with his own two ears. "Well, who says I wanna change?" he challenged.

"You sound stupid as hell," Paul said. "Everybody changes whether they like it or not—it's what we do. It's natural. You're just weak. You're pathetic. And Bella doesn't see it now, but she's going to. I can guarantee that. She's not going to like your problems because you're a 'broken soul' or whatever, you know that? You're not helping her at all, and you're sure as hell not saving her, because—trust me—she's not the kind of girl you can save."

"Leah's really got you on some shit!" Jacob exclaimed. "So her pussy's a prophet now? 'Cause you don't know shit. You make it sound like you know Bella like I do. You make it sound like you've fucked her as many times as I have."

Paul blew smoke rings into the air. "You're such a goddamn savage, Jacob. You're supposed to be the nice guy, but look what we've got here. Shit, Bella's a person, too. White girls have feelings, too."

"I never said she doesn't and I never said they don't. Besides, you're really giving her a lot of credit even though you've hardly said two words to her."

"I don't know. Maybe I can read between the lines. Maybe I've got eyes and ears. But you've gotta stop putting her on a pedestal just because she's some white girl who you think is so much more worthy than your brown ass. Jake, it's stupid. She ain't worth shit."

"Paul, you probably don't know this, but you just cannot go wrong with a white girl."

"Was your mother a white girl?"

Jacob was silent.

"It makes me sick," Paul repeated. "You're lugging that bitch around like some bowling trophy. She's got feelings and—"

"I know she's got feelings," Jacob said, annoyed. "But you're not gonna preach some shit about me respecting her when you just called her a bitch."

"Look, consider this a favor," Paul said. "I know that type of girl. I can tell. And she's not gonna do shit for whatever painful, self-hating, instilled racism angst you're suffering from deep inside. I promise, man. She's gotta do her own thing and so do you, just to stay sane. Anyone with a brain can see that."

And then Paul left. Just like that.

Jacob felt more static than ever.

A/N: Thoughts? Show me something.

Thanks as always,

HS