A/N: I don't own Twilight.

I'm a lot more proud of this chapter than the previous one. I think I feel better when I write longer, fuller chapters. I also feel better when I write things that are Kim-centric. I don't know. One scene of this chapter is just a little NSFW. You'll see.

Enjoy.

LVI.

love me lights out

"How do you feel about change?"

Kim watched Tanya meticulously water her cactus plants, as she did periodically. Tanya's second love—after Carmen and photography together—was taking care of her cacti, a form of gardening that didn't require too much love. It wasn't so much of the tender loving care that mattered; it was the fact that Tanya could keep an organism alive not in a desperate way, but a self-reliant one.

Tanya finally turned around, and her face was bright. The woman loved her cacti.

"Change," she said, "is inevitable."

Kim's eyes wandered over the plants, and even though she knew it would hurt, her hand ached to graze over them, just because. "How?"

"For one thing, people push it too much. It's so common, especially with photographers. They say, 'Oh, I want my work to take this direction. I want it to have that influence.' But they don't know that their work will reflect their lives without even trying to. We change—naturally."

"Do you think that we can't change by our own force?"

"I think we are capable of it," Tanya said. "I just prefer not to."

"So would you rather we make an effort to stay in the past?" Kim asked.

Tanya shook her head, the strawberry blonde curls moving in a way that reminded Kim of a shampoo commercial. "You're not obligated to be the same person you used to be, whether it's five years ago or five minutes ago."

"But isn't that being fake?"

"I think it's a mere matter of change. It's only fake if you think it is. For instance, when I was sixteen and in high school, people thought of me to be a certain way."

"Which way?" Kim asked.

"Don't laugh, but I was a cheerleader," Tanya admitted.

Kim laughed instantly.

"I said not to laugh!"

"No, I'm only laughing because I was one, too. I just couldn't see you that way, though."

"Neither could anybody else," Tanya said, her gaze somewhere in the past. "Later. But back then, I truly thought I was going to marry my high school boyfriend right after graduation and have his children and live in my hometown forever."

This rang a little too true for Kim.

"And then what?"

"And then I met Carmen."

"Did people accuse you of being fake?" Kim asked.

"Of course, they did. Not the same people, of course, but different ones. No matter how little they knew of me, they always assumed I was fake." Tanya paused, and her gaze was suddenly in the present. "But for the record, I was never faking it. Not once, and never for Carmen."

Kim didn't feel the need to say anything.

"I guess what I'm trying to say, Kim," Tanya continued, "is that what you want when you're sixteen isn't what you want when you're twenty-seven, and that's okay. It's okay. But what isn't okay is to wait to go for what you want until what you think is the right moment. If you don't take that chance and embrace every single moment, time will move on without you and you'll never know what might have happened. Time will always win, but you still have to fight."

Kim didn't expect her voice to shake so much when she said, "Thank you, Tanya."

That Saturday night, the first of February, Kim struggled to apply pale pink polish to her toenails in the dim light emitting from the lamp. It was a weak little lamp, and it could go out at any moment. Painting her toenails while sitting on a bed was hard enough—without proper lighting, it was nearly impossible.

Bella sat next to Kim on the bed since there was the most amount of light there. A book was against her crisscrossed, bare legs. She had her head cradled in her left hand, trying to not let the shadow of her head get in the way of the words on the page, but the light was losing out.

"I wish it was summer again," Bella said, her eyes straining against the page.

"Why?" Kim mumbled.

"Because it doesn't get dark so easily. We wouldn't need this shitty lamp."

"We can just get a new bulb, you know."

"I think the lamp is shit, too."

"Whatever you say, Bella."

Bella continued to struggle with her novel, and then she finally gave up and closed it. She dropped the paperback to the floor. Then Kim gave up on her toenails. There was clearly more polish on her toes than the nails themselves, and she couldn't focus, anyway. Her mind was—and had been, all day—running Tanya's words over and over again.

Embrace every single moment. You still have to fight.

It didn't quit.

And when she looked at Bella—really looked at her, with her long hair and big brown eyes and soft skin and mere prettiness—she didn't want it to quit. It was too easy to not want to quit, especially with the way Bella was looking back at her like she wanted her, too.

"Being with you is so easy," Bella said.

"Is it?"

Bella nodded, and that was when Kim leaned forward and closed her eyes, and held her breath, and kissed her, kissed her, kissed her like the moment would be taken away if she didn't do something.

Bella was too accepting.

They kissed, and it was gentle but rough, calm but frenzied, everything but—no, it was still everything. Kim couldn't believe how good Bella tasted. She was better than anything. Better than Jared. Better than any boy or drug on this planet, and she could feel herself getting addicted already. She didn't feel bad. For once in her fucking life, she didn't feel bad at all.

But then Bella pulled away, wordless and wide-eyed.

"I'm sorry," Kim said. "I've never really done that before." And she hadn't. If Ashley Newton had been an old flame, then Bella was Venus.

If Ashley Newton had been an old flame, then Bella was Venus.

"Me neither," Bella said, but her tone wasn't at all regretful.

Bella then scooted forward, clad in nothing but a tank top and her underwear, and she pressed herself to Kim, who enthusiastically went right back to kissing her.

Kim wasn't sure where to put her hands, but Bella was her guide as they ran intrinsically along her thighs. One ended up on Bella's hip, and the other moved up to her hair.

Bella didn't play shy at first. Her fingers playfully ran up Kim's t-shirt, her thumb making circles on her stomach, not yet daring to reach further north or south. Kim got impatient, though, and she eagerly pushed Bella's hand towards the button hem of her own shorts.

Kim undid the button and tugged the shorts off. Bella made sure there was no space between the two of them, and she kissed her slowly as her hands focused on getting her t-shirt off.

Kim fumbled with Bella's tank top, somehow not being able to get it over her head, and that was when they laughed together. They laughed even harder when the shitty light bulb for the shitty lamp finally burned out, and the room went completely dark.

"I hate that fucking lamp," Bella whispered.

"God, I know."

Kim guided Bella's hand to where she needed it, covered by the cotton of her panties, and she swore to God that Bella was gay or at least had some experience with another woman, because that girl knew just what she was doing. It didn't take long before Kim was moaning softly into Bella's collarbone in between heavy kisses. The sound of her own voice surprised Kim—she'd never truly let go like this before.

Bella continued to methodically move her hand between Kim's legs until she broke away, and Kim pouted in the darkness.

"Baby girl," Bella said. The way she said it made Kim want to change her own name.

"Yeah?" Kim asked, her voice a little whiny.

"You know I've never done this before."

"Me neither. What's wrong?"

Bella tugged down Kim's panties and slid down onto the bed, one hand gripping Kim's breast and the other secure on her hip.

"Just let me know if you like it," Bella whispered, and then she placed her mouth at Kim's center, where the latter girl flexed instinctively.

Bella's tongue was too skillful, too talented. It was hilarious, really, that this was her first time going down on another girl. Kim would have been laughing her ass off if she wasn't screaming in ecstasy instead. She had tried to keep calm and keep quiet, and tried to not act like such a virgin, but she fell apart in Bella's hands and mouth.

Kim felt herself melting away, but she'd keep coming back. She felt it all.

Embrace every single moment.

They were finally coming down for the last time when, in the pitch darkness, Kim could catch a hint of Bella's gaze. They were face to face now, torso to torso. They breathed easily, trying to wrap their heads around what had happened.

And they missed each other already.

They laced fingers, and Kim brought them up to her heart. She placed soft kisses against Bella's hand, slowly moving along. Then she wrapped her lips around her index finger and bobbed her head, moaning so gently that Bella could barely feel the vibrations.

"Damn, baby girl," Bella whispered. "I wish the shitty lamp worked so I could see that."

Kim giggled and pulled Bella in closer.

Twelve hours after being in heaven, Bella found herself smack dab in the middle of hell, adorned with the coldness of the outside western Washington air and the burning of her lungs. She couldn't breathe, couldn't talk, and couldn't even think. Even worse, she was sweating.

It was the ass crack of dawn, and Kim had taken her out for a morning run.

Kim, clearly prepared in her Nikes, athletic leggings, and hoodie jogged backward along the sidewalk. Bella, clad in seasonally inappropriate shorts, her Chucks, and a sweatshirt, pathetically tried to keep up.

"C'mon, Bella, you've got this!" Kim encouraged her. "We're almost done."

Running three laps around the condo complex was what Kim did every Sunday morning before breakfast. It had never been that difficult. Then again, Kim was in shape and Bella was nowhere near it. In fact, Bella had tripped and fallen to her hands and knees twice now. It was a sorry sight.

Bella stopped suddenly and doubled over with her hands on her hips. Her high ponytail fell in front of her face. She was panting hard.

Kim paused. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Bella focused on catching her breath. If she had eaten anything for breakfast, then she would have puked it up already, but there was nothing to come out.

"I," she began between heavy breaths. "Am not. An athlete."

Kim crossed her arms. "It's not about being an athlete. It's about being in shape."

"Well, I'm not in shape, either," Bella breathed. Her face looked like she was in actual pain. "You don't get it, Kim. I'm skinny fat. I have no muscle, no stamina. The only thing keeping me alive is my fat, and it's all in my ass."

Kim threw her head back and laughed, able to see her hot breath in the cold air. "Come on."

Bella looked genuinely offended. "It's true!"

"We can fix all that," Kim said, her disposition positive. Then she went to Bella's side and wrapped her arm around her waist. "Let's get inside."

"For breakfast, right?" Bella asked enthusiastically.

"Not yet. Weights."

Bella groaned so loud that the whole neighborhood could hear her.

The measly gym at the condo complex was underdeveloped, but it was enough. It had a couple treadmills, an elliptical or two, and plenty of weights. It also featured a giant TV that always competed in volume with the radio. Nobody knew how to turn the TV down, and the remote was nowhere to be found.

Bella took one look at the exercise equipment and her face said it all. Kim laughed.

"This isn't funny," Bella said. "I could really use some breakfast."

"Drink some water, you'll be alright."

Kim made her way to the dumbbells and Bella followed. Kim began her workout, and Bella mostly supervised. The most that she learned was what the proper form of a squat looked like, and even then she couldn't really accomplish it.

"I'll make breakfast if you can do, like, one squat," Kim said.

"That's so patronizing if you ask me," Bella replied.

"Okay, but I wasn't asking. C'mon, Bella. You've seen me do a hundred of them."

Bella held the dumbbell between her hands and began to squat, but she paused before she had even really gotten down and stood back up.

"What?" Kim asked bluntly.

"Kim, I am so sore from last night. That was my annual workout."

The other girl smiled. "I know. I'm sore, too, but maybe it won't be an annual thing. You could get used to it."

"I better get used to it," Bella said.

"Good. Now do a squat."

It took two more tries to finally get one up to Kim's standards, but Bella actually performed a proper squat. She winced when she got back up.

"See, that wasn't so bad," Kim said.

"Anything for breakfast," Bella replied. She walked to the rest to the rest of the weights to return the one in her hands, and when she came back, Kim was frozen in front of the TV. The sound of the local news was blaring, but only under the radio.

Forks boy driven to suicide by bullies.

A familiar local news reporter stood in front of Forks High School, speaking into a microphone. Kim didn't know how to turn down the radio, so she couldn't hear exactly what the reporter was saying, but what she got was that a teenage boy who attended the town's high school had killed himself because he had been bullied. And he had been bullied because he was openly gay. It was like so many other sad stories in the news, but Kim started to literally ache. This story hit wildly close to home.

Kim found herself angry at too many things at once. For one thing, kids on the reservation killed themselves all the time, but it was never reported on the local news. Also, for some reason, she had never expected a kid in Forks to kill themselves under circumstances like that. It was the perfect town for something like that to happen in; it was small and close-knit and probably mostly conservative. But this was surprising, somehow. And last, blatant homophobia hadn't hit her in the face like this since Mike Newton had… well, hit her in the face. She could taste her own blood now. She could feel the warm spring breeze of that day, how inappropriately nice the weather had been that afternoon.

Bella nudged her. "Kim," she said. "Snap out of it. We've gotta go."

Kim blinked, and she realized Bella was right. They had to go.

The rest of that Sunday had been easy, so when Kim woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, she didn't understand where she had gone wrong.

She'd had yet another nightmare about the trip to Venice. This time, she had been beaten to death in jail and it felt so real that she had drawn real blood on the inside of her cheek.

Kim jolted, and Bella, with her arms wrapped around her, lightly stroked her arm. "What's wrong?" she murmured.

"Nothing," Kim whispered. "Just some stupid dream about Venice."

"That part is over," Bella reminded her. "It's been over."

It had only been six months. It hadn't been that long. Not to Kim. But she let Bella stroke her hair and act stronger than her for the time being. She was really good at that kind of thing.

Kim was starting to return to Earth on Monday, and by the end of the day, she had crash landed. As she and Bella ate dinner at their little table, her cell phone rang. It was Rob Conweller, her father.

"Hey, Dad," Kim said somewhat off-kilter. She hadn't received a call from her father since he'd gotten her the condo, and that was weeks ago. He usually just gave her things and left her alone with them. "Is everything okay? How's Mom?"

"Everything's great, princess, and Kristen's just fine. How's the condo?"

"It's, uh—it's great. I'm treating it right. Well, we're missing some pieces, but we're getting it together. Did I tell you I have a roommate?" Roommate was a much safer title than girlfriend.

She glanced at Bella, who had momentarily stopped eating to hear Kim's side of the phone conversation. Were they girlfriends? Kim figured that since they clearly had an emotional connection and had had sex more than once—at least five times now if she was being completely honest—they had to be something.

"You didn't," Rob replied. "How about me and your mom meet her?"

"Oh, you wanna meet her?" Kim asked, taken by surprise. "When?"

"Soon, probably. How about dinner at your place?"

"Dad, I wish I could agree to that, but the place really isn't… ready. In between work and school and stuff, we've been slowly getting all the missing pieces together. Me and Bella have been kind of busy."

Bella snorted, and Kim silently shushed her.

"Her name's Bella?" Rob asked.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that, but, yeah, that's her name. Bella Swan. I know her through Leah and the rest of them. But, anyways, Mom would freak out if we had you guys over. The condo isn't exactly you guys' place."

Rob laughed as if it was really that funny. He and Kristen were rich, whitewashed, and kind of old. Of course their kid wasn't going to have a house as nice as theirs. "Then we'll have dinner at our house," he offered. "We miss you, princess."

"I miss you, too. Can you do tomorrow night?"

"I think so. I'll let you know if we can't, but plan on showing up at seven."

"Alright, Dad. We'll see you tomorrow."

She was about to hang up, but Rob wasn't done yet. "Kim?" he asked.

"Love you."

"Love you, too, Dad."

She finally hung up, and she was surprised he had let her leave the nest in the first place.

Bella had her chin cupped in her left hand, and she smiled all goofy at Kim. "Wow," she said.

"What?" Kim asked, setting her phone down on the table.

"Daddy's girl, much?"

Kim rolled her eyes. "Not by choice."

"I wish my dad loved me that much."

"That's why you have your mom," Kim said. "So, anyway, you're gonna have to help me pick out something cute to wear tomorrow night since I haven't put on a dress in about two years."

"You're telling me," Bella replied. "I don't know even know what dressing up is, and I'm the one with an impression to make."

Kim smirked. "Why's that?"

"I've gotta make sure I'm just right for daddy's little girl."

"I think my dad will like you just fine," Kim assured Bella. "It's my mom that's hard to impress. Nothing pleases her and she judges literally everything."

"So I need to pick up a formal flannel, right?" Bella wondered. "Or a snap back that says, 'Yes, I just ate your daughter out but I swear to God I'm a decent person.'"

"Bella, please," Kim said. "You don't have to dress like a butch lesbian."

"Should I attempt to look gay at all? Or are we just gonna be roommates in twenty-four hours?"

"I don't know," Kim admitted. "I kind of want to come out to them. It would make me feel a lot less guilty for lying about why they haven't heard about Jared in a while. We've also had some practice with Tanya and Carmen."

"Tanya and Carmen aren't your parents, though," Bella pointed out.

"True, but they're the gay parents I wish I had. I trust them."

"Well, I think you'll be fine if you come out to your real parents. Your mom might get over it." She paused. "Are you an only child?"

Kim nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"Never mind, then. Your mom might not ever get over it."

The worst part of all this was that Bella was right.

Twenty-four hours later, Kim and Bella sat at the former girl's old dining room table. The table was too long, too separating, for a group of four. It was the most extravagant part of the house, and it suddenly made Kim feel very pretentious. It also made Kim feel more fake than ever.

The feeling of being fake stayed with her and her baby pink cardigan, an article of clothing that she hadn't worn since her junior year of high school. Matching with her baby pink skirt and white blouse, Kim looked like a feminine dream. She was trying too hard. Next to her at the table—but still so far away—sat Bella, clad in a conservative forest green dress. Based on her choice of dress alone, Kristen already found her to be plain.

Kristen Conweller was a half-white/half-Quileute forty-something who spent a majority of her life being bitter. Her husband, Rob, a full Tulalip from Marysville, had worked hard for what they had, building on what his father had, and what his grandfather had, and so on. The wealth—mostly in the casino business—had merely fallen into Kristen's lap she she met him, but she still wasn't happy living in Forks, even with everything they had now. Kim would never understand it. But to be fair, she didn't understand why they lived in Forks, anyway. Marysville, all the way on the other side of Puget Sound, had way more opportunities than Forks in every field... except logging, maybe.

So Kristen silently judged Bella, even as Bella nearly bent over backwards to sound as respectable and respectful as possible. There was no changing that. Rob, on the other hand, was as inviting as he could be. At this point, Kim hadn't even come out yet. All she had done was introduce Bella as her good friend and roommate.

"Does the condo have enough room for the both of you?" he asked. "I knew we should have gotten one with two bedrooms."

"It's perfect," Bella said gratefully. "And we're not afraid of sharing." She smiled, and it was a proven fact that Bella could charm the pants off at least one of everyone's parents.

"That's good, that's good," Rob said. "I'm so glad Kim here's got somebody to help pay the bills. Now, did you go to two go to school together?"

"No, I went to high school in Phoenix," Bella said. "We go to college together now, though."

"Phoenix," Kristen repeated, finally speaking up after saying hello to Bella half an hour ago. "That sounds exciting."

"It was as normal as any other high school," Bella explained. "Bigger than Forks High probably."

"Did you all hear about that kid committing suicide who went to that school?" Rob asked everyone.

"Yeah, that was really sad," Kim replied. "He was only sixteen."

"It was because he was gay, right?" Rob said.

"He was bullied for being gay," Bella clarified. "I guess the bullying was what sent him over."

"It's just not natural," Kristen piped up. "He could have easily not been gay. He had it coming, and honestly? I don't feel bad for him. If anything, I feel worse for his parents. Their son was gay and that must be the hardest thing for them to deal with."

Kim opened her mouth, prepared to drag her mother to the pits of hell, but Bella flashed her a look. Kim stopped herself. She gave Bella a look that said, Abort mission. Abort mission. Do not come out. You will be murdered on sight.

She didn't know why she'd even gotten her hopes up.

The rest of dinner wasn't the same after that, and it ended with the same awkwardness that every past dinner had ended with, all throughout Kim's childhood and adolescence. So maybe it was a good thing that this dinner had gone sour—they all turned that way eventually.

Kim had wanted this to be different, though. She had planned on it being different, and it had all slipped through her fingers like water.

As she drove back to her condo with Bella in Shady Pointe, she tried not to be upset, tried not do lose it, but she fell apart like the cry baby she was. Kim was an ugly crier. She did the face crumpling, the hard breathing, the whimpering. But she didn't fucking care.

Bella didn't care, either. She just let the tears fall in the car, and once they were home, she let Kim fall into her arms. It was all that Bella was good for, anyway.

It was Wednesday, one of Kim's days off at the gym, and she had come home from school rather early—and alone. She knocked on Tanya and Carmen's door, and the latter woman opened it, a warm smile spread across her face.

Carmen had been admiring the cacti. She loved her cacti, too. She didn't do anything but look at them. Make sure they were well. She told Kim that she would have taken pictures of the cacti, but she wouldn't want to bore her.

They sat in silence until Kim couldn't keep quiet anymore.

"How do you feel about change?"

Carmen turned, her face blank and honest.

"Change," she said, "is inevitable."

A/N: Thank you so, so much for reading.

Take care and stay tuned,

HS