A/N: Just noting that I made a playlist for this story—though some of the songs have nothing to do with the story and just have the kind of beat built for the tone. We can't link in FFN (one of the best features of the site!) but it is titled "between the stars: writer's mix" on Spotify. In this chapter, try Alice.
—In Memoriam Ad Maiorem:
Cassian is right about everything he told her in the cemetery earlier that night. She looks better; better than ever. The year she's lived has a loneliness comparable to the three on Lah'mu. Jyn can say she can sleep at night, but she can't. But Jyn can still stand calm, even if everything she's lived for is gone.
Her secret? She knew where she was going. She knew that her last would be over, and that there would be no loneliness once it was.
But that is what she knew. Jyn's eyes scan the cabin of the ship. She is not surprised to see Bodhi there. Like her, he appears to look better than before. Then again, the man had gone through Saw's own form of psychological torture so anything after then will have been labeled "better."
She is on this particular U-Wing, though it appears to have gone through a repair job. She backtracks to moments ago, when the ship was flying through air traffic. The Imperial logo on the side is gone, just as she had purged some of her clothes of the mark.
Jyn is only glad they didn't decide to paint the Alliance's symbol on it. Even just saying the name led her murderous neighbor to aim a blaster at her head. "So I'm with the Rebellion again, I guess," she crosses her arms around her chest. "It still doesn't mean I'm a part of it." She will not make the same mistake as her father.
"I didn't ask you to come with us," Cassian struggles to get a foothold. Surprisingly, Chirrut and Baze are still there —there being the Alliance and not just this particular U-Wing vehicle. The blind man grabs Cassian by the shoulders to aid in steadying him.
Jyn bobs her head in a mocking laugh. "My house blew up, Cassian. Do tell me where else I'm actually going to go."
Bodhi comes to her question. "This was just an Intelligence mission. Your house getting blown up wasn't exactly in the plan."
"And neither was bringing you aboard," K-2SO adds. "Though both events appear to be mutually non-exclusive."
Cassian shrugs. "I had to improvise." His breathing is racked with adrenaline. Jyn counts his inhales and exhales along with the passing of ships. To break the silence, Chirrut laughs.
Jyn thinks it's a joke as well. "Intelligence?" she questions, "You're looking at the wrong places."
Chirrut drops the humor in his face. She is immediately taken aback. "You mean to tell us you're not an Imperial favorite?"
She's a bit offended at the light-hearted jest. But they're right. "Not saying that I'm not," Jyn denies, "But after everything with my father, do you really think they trust me with anything?"
"You just got an invitation to join the Fleet," Cassian tells her. "Again. Just a few days ago." Again equates to third time. Jyn knows why the Empire keeps doing that.
Because they want to keep her closer and be able to watch her. The Empire wants her locked on a Star Destroyer in between star systems, so they can throw her out the airlock if she does something they don't like.
Jyn exhales. "And I said no. I can't know anything if I'm not in a position to know anything to begin with."
"Wonderful," K-2SO says in a snide remark. He turns around to head for the cockpit. "Well, I will set the course for Hoth."
"Hoth?" She is more or less surprised. Hoth is an ice wasteland. (Then again, Fest is an ice wasteland too, and Cassian is from there.)
Cassian sneers, though it doesn't look to be directed at her. "Well, her majesty Princess Leia had her ship tracked and led the Empire all the way to Yavin 4." Jyn knows. She just didn't expect the Alliance to relocate to a place like Hoth.
Then she realizes that that is exactly why the Alliance relocated there. The fact that Jyn, who is knowledgeable of three suits of galactic warfare as Imperial, Rebel and Partisan, can't expect the base to be there, then much less the egotistic Empire. It's the least likely candidate, and that makes it the best one.
Bodhi leans in Jyn's ear and whispers. "The captain still isn't too happy about what happened, but he and the princess are good friends now."
"Major," Cassian hides in a cough. Jyn smiles. Clearly she isn't the only one stuck to calling him captain. Major Andor doesn't have the same ring to it, plus it gets on his nerves. He clears his throat from the faux cough. "And since you're here anyway, I need to make a comm to Echo Base."
He turns away to the comm units. As soon as Cassian has his back turned, Bodhi attacks Jyn with a hug. "It's great to see you again though," the pilot says as he squeezes the life out of her.
Jyn can't say she's missed any of them, but she doesn't feel any more discomfort in the company of these three men. After all, she's only known them a few days before they disappeared from her life for a year. But she feels close to them, the way one would be with a childhood friend they haven't spoken to through their teenage years.
They pull her down onto the floor of the cabin, which is cold and constantly vibrating but surprisingly comfortable if she positions herself well enough. She doesn't blame them for choosing the floor over the hard seats.
Baze ruffles her hair to a state almost as wild as his, and there is a smile on his face. Chirrut smiles at her, "I always knew out paths would cross again, Jyn Erso."
They must have crossed before. She thinks back, to any time when the people on the streets of Coruscant would bump her, whisper apologies then turn away. Jyn never saw any of their faces, and it could be them. Cassian has established full well that they have been watching her almost as long as the Empire has.
"We're heading out into hyperspace," K-2SO escapes from the cockpit. As he says it, the ship lurches through alarming speed past the air traffic of Coruscant, then up and up and up. Jyn thinks the droid is about to turn around and return to being the copilot. In her experience, most experienced flyers actually do need a right hand.
Instead, the droid approaches her. Bodhi clears the way immediately. In K-2's steel fingers are stacks of holorecords and datapads, not unlike those she buries her mind in back on Coruscant. He hovers over her then drops them all on her lap. "These are the transmissions and files Galen Erso sent during his service to the Alliance." It's a sudden weight on Jyn. "We have no use for them anymore."
She should probably scowl at his comment but instead she looks up at the droid then stands. Standing doesn't actually change the angle of her gaze either way. "Thanks, Kay-Tu."
He doesn't respond, and instead just turns around back through the bulkhead. "So," Bodhi nudges her with his shoulder, "How's your hand at sabacc?"
Jyn smirks. "Hit me."
The four of them shuffle around into a circle through an awkward shifting of bent legs and inchworm crawls. Once their positions at least resemble a circle, Bodhi starts to deal the cards.
She takes the first two in her hand, "You do this often at Hoth?"
"Cold planet," Baze laughs then shakes his head. "We don't play on Hoth. We've been escaping to Bespin as many times as we can." Jyn rearranges her cards. They're bad, for now. They always are at the beginning.
"I'm the pilot," Bodhi smiles cheekily. The game keeps going, flimsi cards passed in and out of the deck and onto their hands or their discards. Jyn grazes her finger along them, feeling the imprinted Aurebesh labels on the edges. They're for Chirrut's convenience no doubt.
"I take it the captain doesn't join you," she laughs. Cassian has never seemed like the type to disobey rules, and suddenly an image of Eadu pops up. Jyn is quick to choke it away.
Chirrut cracks a smile. "I suggest you be careful. The captain can hear you," his head directs to the cockpit.
"He's a Major now." Bodhi drops a winning hand. They wait a moment for Chirrut to feel the cards. "But yeah, he doesn't go with us to Cloud City."
"But he does turn a blind eye," Chirrut jokes before gesturing at the cards at the center of their circle. "He's been busy since… well, since Eadu. Keeps on volunteering for missions, even just escorts or Intelligence."
"Of course, he tried to refuse when Mon Mothma had us spy on you, but she wouldn't have it," Bodhi informs. "Cassian's been tossing himself into more and more jobs after Galen died, except for that one."
At times like this, Jyn forgets that Bodhi was also close with her father. She also forgets that maybe they're all orphans on this ship. The only difference is that they've had each other. All Jyn has been is alone.
She tosses her cards down. "Another round?"
"That was just a trial," the blind man tells her. "Because Bodhi was the one who won." To this, the pilot coughs and displays a look of offense. "Real sabacc includes bets," he continues. He takes the pile of cards from the center of the deck and shuffles them. "So what'll it be, Miss Erso?"
Even if they're ready to go front and into hyperspace, the congested airways of the Coruscant atmosphere slow them slightly. K-2SO returns to the cockpit just as the world goes white through light speed. "I've given her the data," the droid says, "But I still don't see why it is relevant."
Cassian shakes his head. "I didn't think you would, Kay-Tu."
There are several things Cassian has done that K-2 hasn't deemed relevant. Strangely, they're also the kinder of his deeds. The droid is always the more practical one in any duo.
He kept all the data tapes, originally because of mission formality. When Fracture ended, Cassian still kept them. Because he wanted to give them to Jyn.
K-2SO once asked why Cassian wanted to give Jyn those records.
For Cassian, the answer is simple.
He wanted to give them to her because Galen is hers more than he is anyone else's. Because he is Galen's friend; and she is Galen's daughter. Jyn Erso has lost the very things that Cassian has never really had.
Beyond everything, Jyn Erso is broken and so is he. But perhaps, he is not yet broken enough that he cannot pull himself into some semblance of a man who can still make right by everything he's done. She is not broken enough to pull herself apart at the memory of Galen and the others who died by the Death Star.
They drop out of hyperspace, and the world goes black. Between Cassian and Jyn is empty space and dark water; a silence Cassian can't cross. He can't walk the line between the finality she deserves and the violence the Rebellions demands.
Cassian still remembers the yells of the Imperial bridge officer, even ten years later.
Celes Moran walked the hallways of Yavin 4 with that man's blood staining her hands. Cassian glared at the older girl as she passed.
There, she paused and played into a scornful laugh. "You and I have done worse things for this rebellion, Andor." Her smile became rueful. "Whether we wanted to or not."
That hallway encounter with the late Officer Moran taught Cassian one thing: how to pull the trigger.
Cassian never had to close his eyes, never had to hesitate. It was for the Rebellion. His rebellion. Whether he wanted to or not.
How many people have you shot now, Andor?
Actually, Galen never cared about that body count. Galen did not ask questions. (And neither did Cassian, but the man often spoke of his family and Cassian often listened to the stories.) Galen Erso did not forgive, but he did not ignore either.
There is a side of Cassian Andor that believes he does not deserve Galen Erso's absolution, just as he does not deserve Jyn Erso's forgiveness. He deserves nothing more than his Rebellion, the one he's lived for and killed for.
His rebellion is not Jyn's rebellion. After everything that's happened to her, she deserves better.
"Approaching Hoth," K-2SO says.
The Baze is there in the cockpit, and Cassian was too lost in his thoughts to notice. "Captain," he calls with his gruff voice.
He hums and turns around on the pilot's chair.
"I would like to borrow your coat." It's a strange request, but Cassian has learned never to question anything if a Jedha native says it.
Instead, he battles with logic. "I don't think it'll fit you."
Baze grunts but doesn't appear to try and do anything else. He's only standing there.
"It's in my bag," Cassian rolls his eyes.
He gives a brief thanks then disappears. The rise in temperature doesn't happen on Hoth as it does on Yavin 4. The ice planet is as cold—if not colder—than hyperspace itself.
As soon as he feels like they're grounded again, Cassian returns to the back to see Bodhi packing up his cards. He catches blips of their conversation.
"Anyway," Bodhi says to Jyn, "if you're staying awhile."—("Bodhi, my home just blew up. Where am I going?" Jyn replies.)—"Well, we're going to Cloud City again by the week's end."
Ah, another one of Bodhi's infamous Bespin trips. Cassian likes to pretend they're a secret, but almost the entire staff at Echo Base is familiar with the protocol. They even drew up together to get Bodhi a personalized set of sabacc cards for his name day earlier that year, so that even Baze and Chirrut could play.
He scans the cabin more, and then he sees Jyn in his parka. His gaze drops to her bag, which she must have packed in record time. Of course she wouldn't bring a coat ready for Hoth. (No one can actually be ready for Hoth.)
It's big on her, to say the least. It makes Jyn look smaller more than she already is. Baze is standing over her smoothing out creases while Bodhi looks to be suppressing a giggle. "Just wear it," the man says, "I'm getting cold just looking at you."
Cassian decides to just look at Baze, eyebrows raised. "It's Hoth," is the assassin's only excuse. "You have more than one." Well, he does have an extra coat—for the accidental recruits he sometimes comes back with.
"Anyway," Bodhi somehow manages to sound even more awkward than he already is, "We'll be going." He and the Guardians of the Whills escape the boarding ramp quickly, letting the bitter chill of Hoth into the relatively warm cabin. "Remember, just four days, then we'll see about sending you to Demesel."
Demesel is a kind and small planet nothing short of a sector away from Yavin 4, in other words the direct complement of Hoth's location. It's a great place to go into hiding, which is the agreement Jyn must have struck with them if she follows through with joining them on their Cloud City excursion.
Jyn is glaring out the boarding ramp at the three of them. Clearly, the suggestion of a four-day wait did not come from her, or maybe even more. "I did not lose a sabacc game for this," she mutters.
Cassian wants to hear the story for that.
She rolls her eyes before forcing them to meet with Cassian's. Then she pulls the blaster from somewhere under his not-really-that-big coat. He tries to reach for his own sidearm, but for some reason it's already in K-2's.
"I'm not going to shoot him, Kay," Jyn says as she holds the blaster by the wrong end and outstretching her arm towards Cassian. Then she shrugs, "You left this on Yavin 4"—the gun hovers aimlessly between them by her dangling arm—"and Eadu, and Scarif."
It's the same gun she held over him only earlier that night. Cassian feels like he should have recognized it then, and it is another string on his list of miniscule failures. He shakes his head. "Keep it."
Jyn shrugs and puts the blaster in his hand anyway and says, "The last time someone told me that, they died." She tugs at the collar of his blue parka and turns around for the open boarding ramp. "Let's hope my luck hasn't changed."
Kay-Tu follows after her, leaving Cassian to stare at the same old blaster that had met a million beating hearts. This gun should never have been in the hands of Jyn Erso. This gun is a memoir of her father and the Rebellion and everything that isn't hers anymore.
["Unpublished Reflections on Galen Erso," FROM THE PERSONAL FILES OF MON MOTHMA:]
It is of my greatest regret to have only met Galen Erso once, and that our following correspondence had been limited to transmissions that were not even addressed to me personally. You may find more of a weary ex-senator in all this than you will Galen Erso, or perhaps even his daughter.
I realized Galen Erso was important, thirteen years ago, in what resulted to be the infamous Lah'mu mission. Ten years ago, I realized he was important again. My luxury of a single meeting with Galen came after having him kidnapped from an Imperial shuttle and brought to Yavin 4. To claim that I knew him well would be an insult to the brilliant scientist the Alliance had failed twice over. Exempli gratia, our sole encounter—I told him his daughter was dead.
Krennic looks over the small crowd in front of him, seas of black that don't make waves or currents. The people most likely to attend this are already dead. He clears his throat, "Galen Erso is,"—he catches himself—", was an old friend of mine." Krennic releases a nervous laugh and returns to the script he'd made prior to this event, which has been carefully laid out in his mind. "Isn't it strange that is eventually comes to past tense? The past is the past, but the present can never be the past."
Against my own knowledge and the Rebel Alliance's intelligence, his daughter was not really dead, but then it didn't matter. It was a lie that we did not realize. Galen Erso volunteered for the Alliance after learning of that lie. His legacy, the future of this rebellion, is based on a lie we never knew we told. Though I believe, lie or not, Galen would have fought for us anyway. For the injustice in the galaxy.
"But this thing of the past will continue through the present and the future," Krennic addresses, "That Galen is, was, and always will be a brilliant man. The people who killed him mistook that brilliance for folly." Krennic knows deep down that perhaps Galen was both brilliant and foolish. For now, he would like to remember his friend, not the traitor. Krennic scans the mourners and finds Jyn Erso, who is still watching angrily. But then Krennic realizes she isn't watching him, but beyond that to the carved marble by Galen's name: Lyra Erso.
But even that assumption is a lie. No, Galen Erso would fight for his daughter. He fought alongside the Alliance, for her memory. If then, we had known, I have no doubts that Galen Erso would still fight—for the future of his daughter. Even in our single yet pivoting meeting, he had exuded an air of humility and a thirst for righteousness. I saw the same thirst in Jyn Erso.
"I know Galen's daughter is here, and I am not among that family, but Galen was like a brother to me," Krennic says, "I met him in the days of the Old Republic, a brilliant colleague with hardened eyes of a man who has seen the world, learned and returned to what he already had. I cannot see those eyes, as they close where he is now in peace, but I do see them in his daughter's eyes."
Our shortcomings in the case of Galen are nothing compared to the failures we have made by Jyn Erso, because we have failed her in a hundred different ways: failed by our cause, failed by the extremists she tried to believe in, and most of all, failed by our inability to save her father and her mother. I looked at Jyn Erso and saw the child of those failures, an anger that will consume more and never be quenched. I looked at Jyn Erso and saw a desire to find a place that will not fail her.
"I do not believe in a higher power, I digress. But I do believe that if such a thing as the Force existed, then Galen Erso would be at peace and one with the Force," Krennic finishes. "Galen, my friend, you will be remembered."
Still, Lyra's inexplicable taunting does not stop. It plays along with Jyn Erso's voice and their final whispers from an Imperial transport that carried an Erso cadaver. You'll never win, Lyra had said—Jyn had said. Yet beyond that, watching the millaflowers on the Erso memorial, Krennic feels he already has. He clears his throat and steps away from the crowd. His hands do not shake beneath the dark gloves he had donned, but they harden as if he is the one who held the blaster to Galen.
And I pray, to the Force and everything thing else that will choose to listen, that Jyn Erso does not find that place among the Empire. I do not take this prayer selfishly. She has an intensity that I regret to say her father might never have had. Jyn Erso has a strength in her own humanity, and she might never have realized the presence she brings to a room. Galen Erso had a modesty that led to notice; Jyn Erso has a fire that cannot be ignored.
Krennic mutters to himself quietly, "I did not kill Galen." It is true, of course. He did not kill Galen, or Lyra; they killed themselves with the foolishness of their own choices. Though there will always be respect for the man, Krennic is not fond of having to clean the mess up himself—or rather, having Tarkin yell at him to clean it up.
She is a young woman with a fervor capable of capturing this entire galaxy; she is a power the Alliance has somehow put away. Yet to speak of her and her father as only rallying points would be an insult to their name. Because after all this, Jyn Erso is a young woman who has lost too much, given too much and gained too little. She is troubled and quarrelsome and, like her father, impossible to forget.
The future of this Rebellion, and our step against the Death Star, is not Galen Erso's legacy. There is talk in quarters that the Death Star is how the Erso name shall be remembered. I will dispute that claim to the last of my dying days. If anything, his legacy lies with Jyn Erso and the extraordinary person she can still become.
A/N: Plus points to one of my irl friends who noticed how Jyn's emotional arc is on reverse!
If you check back, Jyn is a bit more open in the beginning than she is in the current chapters. And because of her father's death, and generally just the death of the people who know her past—Krennic included—she has become emotionally repressed (or, in terms of the story itself "empty and hollow"), which is the opposite of what happened in the movie.
In the movie, she was an emotionally expressive kid, then all the things she went through led to her being unsympathetic, and then her father's death just made her care about things again; but that isn't what's happening~ we'll see what happens in this version of the story…
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