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Chapter 4: Let Her Go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
Her weekend consisted of her watching Bonnie practice spells and praying she didn't kill herself from the magic. She was weary of the idea of Bonnie risking her own life just to get Kol back. What good would it be to have Kol alive if Bonnie killed herself in the process? Caroline was sure Kol was uninterested in coming back to this life if Bonnie was not there to share it with him.
"Can I ask you something?" Caroline picked at her childhood blanket. She had given up the blanket many years before, but after losing her mom it was the only thing she could carry with her that made her think of her mom. It even smelled like her from being packed in a box of things in their attic.
Bonnie nodded as she chugged a bottle of water.
"Did you ever talk to Kol about the future?"
Bonnie sat a second thinking back on all the conversations she and Kol had had over the past ten years. They bickered a lot about her future. Herbs and spells could keep her young for so long. At some point she was going to start aging, and he wasn't.
"Kol was always coming up with some different plan for me to stay young with him. Of course, the herbs slow it down, so I still look like nineteen, but we knew at some point I would age. There was this spell that could immortalize me, but I don't really think I ever really thought about what that meant. I don't know if I even want to live forever. The only thing I have ever been sure of is Kol."
"So you're willing to bring him back knowing full well you will have to leave him at some point?" Caroline couldn't bring herself so say die. She didn't want to think about the day she no longer had Bonnie. She was tired of thinking about death and all it entailed.
"He never was supposed to die. I was the one that was supposed to die, and he was supposed to grieve. Not the other way around. I was never supposed to live without him," Bonnie explained to her best friend.
Kol had been gone for six months now. She had no one to talk to about it so all she did was sit in her room and practice her spells. She didn't want to bring it up to Caroline, because Caroline was mourning her mother, and Bonnie didn't want to burden Caroline. So she grieved by herself. It made it easier she could still hypothetically could see Kol. The perks of being a Bennett witch.
"I'm sorry I haven't been a good friend lately," Caroline murmured. She had been so wrapped up in her own grief, she would tend to forget how much pain Bonnie was going through. Bonnie had lost both of her parents at a young age, as well as Caroline's mom, then Kol. It had been just as hard of a year for Bonnie as it had been for her.
"Don't be sorry. You are dealing with your own issues."
Caroline shook her head at her best friend's words. "You need me, and I need you. Plain and simple, so we are going to take a break from the spells and the practice, and we are going to watch movies all day."
Bonnie gave a small smile, "Can I cry?"
Over the past few months, she never took the chance to see how sad Bonnie was without Kol. When he died, a piece of Bonnie went with him. She wasn't as happy as she once had been. Bonnie was coping, but that was all she was doing. She was just going through the motions of life. She wasn't really living.
"You can bawl."
Caroline had run out to Mystic Grill to grab some food for her and Bonnie when she saw Stefan at the bar. Matt, the rather sweet bartender, was talking to him about his week. Matt was probably mid- sixties and from what she understood had worked at the bar since he was a teenager and when the old owner died left it all to Matt.
She watched Stefan laugh at something Matt had told him, still shaking his when he put the shot glass to his lips.
She had not spoken to Stefan since she snuck out of his room that morning. She had never felt so awkward around him, but last night was different. She didn't know how to explain it, but she knew she needed to end it. They were getting too attached. She could feel herself wanting to be near him at all times, and she couldn't have that. She didn't even know when that started happen.
It has been happening for awhile. You have just been denying yourself for months.
She wanted to punch her brain to leave her alone. She plucked up all her courage, yet hesitantly walked up to Matt and quietly asked to see a menu. Stefan spun in his stool, "Caroline Forbes."
"Hi, Stefan," she didn't look at him. She didn't want to, so she stared straight ahead looking at all the bottles of liquor.
"You weren't there this morning. You always leave," he observed and frowned, "I don't like that."
"I can't keep running to you because of my problems. It isn't healthy." Matt handed her a menu and made himself scarce, not wanting to interrupt their conversation. "Thank you," she called after him.
Stefan sighed, "I said, I was sorry."
Caroline shook her head, "And I said, I forgive you, but this isn't about that. This is about me being stronger than this. All we do is use each other anyway. You said so last night. I shouldn't have kissed you, and I definitely shouldn't have slept with you. It isn't fair to either of us."
She didn't want to be having this conversation in a bar with him drunk. "Matt, can I just have two chicken finger plates with honey mustard?"
Matt nodded, turning to his computer. Caroline sat twenty dollars on the bar knowing it would cover the meals and be a nice tip.
Caroline stood in silence not wanting to speak to Stefan anymore. She had been doing so well not seeing him or stopping by his house, and then last night she flushed all her hard work down the drain. Ten minutes passed and, before she knew it, Matt was handing her the food.
Stefan knew this was his last chance before she left to say anything. "I miss you."
Caroline turned to respond because even if she didn't want to admit she missed him as well. He had been a constant in her life for the past eight months, and the last week and a half had been hard. "You saw me last night, Stefan."
"But I still miss you. One night doesn't change that."
She opened her mouth, and yet her soft voice wasn't who he heard. Instead, it was the girl from math he had tried and failed to have sex with. "Stefan! I had so much fun the other night. I am sorry you got sick, and we had to end the fun early."
Caroline's eyes widened and her breath audibly caught. Stefan stumbled slightly from his stool to reach for the blonde. "Caroline."
Caroline snatched her things up and away from Stefan and the mystery girl. "The other night? You are unbelievable."
"Caroline—"
"Please, Stefan, just don't."
With that she left him with the girl. "Did I miss something?" she asked.
Stefan shook his head. "Matt, another."
Of course, looking back he would regret not running after her. Telling her he was sorry for how he acted. Explaining he should have never taken Tess home. Mutter he kicked Tess out after realizing she wasn't Caroline. These are the things he would have said to her, but he was drunk, and she was upset, and all it will lead to is sadness. Stefan had decided Caroline had enough sadness in her life and he refused to add to it.
"So I am going to assume things didn't go so well Friday night for lover boy," Damon muttered to his wife.
"Why you say that?" Elena looked in the mirror at Damon who rested in their bed.
They had planned on having a day just for themselves. They were going to get lunch and have a day without worrying about Kai or anything else. Of course, Damon was ready thirty minutes ago, and now he waited for his wife.
"He has been in a foul mood all weekend. Slamming doors and not wanting to talk to anyone. He's like ripper Stefan but scarier."
Elena rolled her eyes at his dramatics. "It must be a Salvatore thing. You went on a rampage when I broke up with you."
Damon glared at her good-naturedly. "I didn't rampage."
Elena gave him a pointed look.
"Okay, a small rampage, but still, Stefan is being weird."
"I think Caroline helps him stay grounded. She doesn't realize this of course, but he seems to have a better handle on the whole ripper thing ever since she came into the picture. I think it is why he has been drinking so much. It helps dulls his senses and temptations. It always has."
Elena sighed, sad to see Stefan go back to his drinking. The whole ripper thing had taken a toll on him. He hadn't had a problem with it until he lost his memory a year ago. A witch by the name of Qetsiyah had come back from the dead and upon seeing Stefan assumed rightly he was a doppelganger of Silas. In her fury of seeing a face identical to Silas, she stole his memories, thinking that she was making him forget about Elena, Qetsiyah not realizing that Stefan and Elena were not in love and never had been.
Those weeks with him not knowing who he was sparked him going on a killing spree. By the time he had gotten his memory back it had been too late. It took all his power to get it back under control. It seemed the only thing that helped him was alcohol.
"Human girls are always the ones to hurt us vampire boys the most."
Elena zipped up her make up bag and turned off the mirror lights before turning to look at Damon. "I never meant to hurt you."
Damon climbed off the bed and made his way in front of Elena. He cupped her cheek, making her lean into his touch.
"I know, my love. You didn't, not really. It just took some time for us to get it right," Damon smiled down at her.
"I'm glad we did."
"Now we just need to help Stefan," Damon said with a sneaky smile. A smile Elena knew would get her in trouble.
A teary-eyed Caroline slammed the door of her apartment making Bonnie come rushing in from the kitchen. "What's wrong?"
Caroline shrugged, flopping onto the couch. "What's wrong with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why can't I just be a normal girl who meets a normal guy and can just be with him? Why do I have to be this monster that can't even like a boy?" Caroline cried.
"You're not a monster." Bonnie had thought they were passed this. It was no secret Caroline thought she was this monstrous thing who did not deserve to live another day. Caroline had just started not thinking that so Bonnie wasn't sure what happened to make her back track so quickly.
"Do you have feelings for Stefan?"
Caroline shook her head and blew out a loud breath. "I don't know. I have been so closed off for so long that I don't know what I want anymore, but I know it hurts to know he is with another girl, and it hurts that he is fooling around with her and then sleeping with me the next night."
"Did you tell him that?" Bonnie asked.
Caroline sighed, "I can't. I can't lead him on."
"Then you can't be mad if he moves on to someone who will open up to him," Bonnie explained slowly, not wanting to hurt her best friend.
"I know. It just hurts to know it can't be me. I think I wanted it to be me," Caroline admitted, her voice low.
Bonnie knew Caroline did not want to talk about her actual feelings for Stefan. That was why Caroline was so confused. Bonnie figured Caroline did not even realize what she was feeling until Stefan no longer was around. So Bonnie did what she did best for her friend, she changed the subject.
"So what did you get us?"
Caroline sniffled and wiped her nose. "Chicken fingers."
"I love chicken fingers," Bonnie forced a smile to her friend.
Caroline nodded handing her a box of food. "With extra honey mustard."
Bonnie grinned, "What would I do without you?"
"Probably be as lost as I would be without you."
"Why do you feel the need to push her away?" Damon asked Stefan later that night. He had come home to find a grouchy Stefan in the study with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. When Stefan explained what had happened, Damon started asking about Caroline.
"Because look at me. I have to stay drunk so I don't go kill people."
Damon ran a hand over his face. "I thought it was better."
"Nope, being a ripper never gets better. The voices just get quieter. The alcohol drown them out completely."
"And what did Caroline do for the voices?" Damon asked.
"I forgot about them." Stefan took a swig from the bottle then growled. "You know, two years ago, I never thought about it. I had it under control. I hadn't hurt anyone in fifty years. Then that bitch was pissed and took my memories away from me cause I looked like her lover that wronged her. It isn't fair, Damon. I righted my wrongs. I got better. Now look at me. I am pathetic."
Damon allowed his little brother to rant out his frustrations. He never got sober Stefan to talk so he would allow drunk Stefan to say whatever he needed to say. "I kept telling myself that Caroline Forbes meant nothing to me. That I didn't even know her, but I know her Damon. I fucking know her, and I care about her and I don't want to hurt her."
"Emotionally or physically?" Damon asked wearily.
"I would never lay a hand on her, but Ripper Stefan—I don't know. I don't want to find out, so I just keep pushing her away, and she keeps coming around, and I keep letting her. " Stefan had been denying himself the simple pleasure of talking about Caroline that he now couldn't stop. "What am I supposed to do, Damon?"
"Why don't you just tell her how you feel?" Damon suggested as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
"I can't. Especially with Kai possibly coming back. She would just get hurt."
"You actually care about her."
Stefan nodded, "She can never know. I have to stay away from her. I have to for her own safety. She deserves so much more than what I can give her. The best thing I can do for her is make her realize what a shitty person I am."
"You're willing to hide the greatest parts of yourself for her?" Damon asked, gaining no response from Stefan who was already walking out of the study. "Why do I feel like that plan will back fire?"
"Jo, I think I found something!" Alaric called out to his wife as he rushed through their small house.
"Did you find the witch?" Jo asked hopefully, walking out of Annabelle's room.
"No, but I found the spell she has been using to get over there." Alaric smiled.
"And that helps us how?" Jo's face scrunched at his response.
"Cause you can go over there and ask Kol who is doing it."
"You really think Kol Mikaelson is going to give up the witch who is trying to get him out?"
"This is the only thing we can really try." Alaric stated handing her the book.
Jo sighed, "I'm not strong enough to do this,"
Alaric kneeled before her. "Then you practice. You can do this. You have beaten Kai, you can go to the other side."
"And what if he doesn't tell me?"
Alaric shrugged, "Then we try something else. He isn't getting out again. I promise."
"I'm scared of him," she whispered.
"Caroline!"
Caroline looked over her shoulder to see Stefan jogging down the quiet hallway to where she stood. The classes were about to let out so she had been awkwardly standing around till then so she could sit in the room till her class began.
"I can't talk, Stefan."
"I will be quick. I just wanted to say that I am leaving you alone. You're right. We shouldn't be running back to each other, it isn't healthy."
Caroline felt her stomach flip. She knew she needed to agree, but in that moment she realized she didn't want this to end. She wanted to be selfish and have him, but she couldn't. She knew that. So she struggled with a smile and nodded. "I am glad you see it my way."
Part of Stefan had hoped she fought him on it. It took all of his strength to sound so nonchalant as he muttered the words to the only thing keeping him sane anymore. All he wanted was to tell her truth, tell her what he was, but he couldn't. "I think it will be best for both of us if we just stopped."
"Totally."
Stefan nodded. Walking away from her was harder than he expected. He could tell her smile was completely forced, and her bottom lip was trembling. Stefan stepped closer to her, placing a hand on the back of her neck and kissing her forehead.
She could tell his aloof attitude was a façade. They stood that way for a second, both realizing in that moment they cared a little more than either had led on. Stefan leaned back, and Caroline looked up at him. Stefan gave her a slow kiss. He decided this might be the last chance he had. He might as well take it. Especially since he was about to become the biggest prick.
"I'll be seeing ya," Caroline whispered.
Stefan nodded, walking away from her, feeling her eyes burning into his back.
Caroline took one last look at Stefan's back before students filed out of the classroom, and she moved past them and to the classroom. It was time for her to focus on her studies and to not worry about Stefan Salvatore anymore.
It was the best thing for both of them.
So why did it hurt so damn much?
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
By: Passenger
So here is chapter 4. It might take a little longer for the next chapter cause I just got a job, but I will try to update on Sundays since the place I work is closed then.
Till then, Cheers and Smiles All Around.