4: Promise
Erin ran for what felt like ages. She didn't stop. She couldn't stop. Because there was no way she was going to let this happen to her again. But when she finally slowed down, Erin realized she wasn't running as fast as she thought she was. She found herself standing outside that convenience store near her house, breathless. "That's not possible."
She immediately started eyeing every corners that was surrounding her like a crazy person, making sure Charlie wasn't anywhere near. Thankfully, he wasn't. But when she turned her attention to the store again, Erin noticed how deserted the place looked and quickly figured out it was closed.
"Goddamn it!" She shouted before letting herself fall against the door, frustration eating the last bit of energy she had left.
And just when she could feel hope dying on her, the lights inside the store miraculously went on. Erin quickly got up and started to overthink how in hell was she going to be able to explain herself. But surprisingly, the old lady didn't ask any questions and immediately opened the door to let her in, "Come on, Hun. You're going to catch a cold if you stay outside."
The kind lady held her hand and told her to sit down so she would grab some water but was stopped by Erin's voice. "Please, don't leave."
"Oh darling, I'm right here!" She replied, replacing Erin's hair behind her ears to clear her face. "My name is Linda and I'm going to stay with you as long as you need. Take some deep breathes, love."
For some reasons, that made Erin cry even more. She mumbled a few words but the old woman could not make them out.
"Would you let me take a look at the injuries you've got going on here?"
"What injuries?" Erin got out before looked down at herself, noticing how her grey shirt became red from blood. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be here. You don't even know me. I'm not usually like this. I never cry; crying isn't what I do. But I..."
Linda held Erin close to her as she whispered a few words to her ear, "Don't be sorry. I don't know who you're running from but I've got you now. Just tell me what I can do to help you."
Suddenly feeling very drowsy, she fought hard to keep her eyes open as she spoke, "Do you - do you have a phone?"
"Yes, who would you like me to call?" The store's owner asked her with a sweet and caring voice.
She whispered her next words very weakly, letting out a few sobs along the way, "Call 911 and pl-please ask them to talk to Hank Voight, the Sergeant Hank Voight from Discrict 21. Tell him it's Erin Lindsay, tell him that he was right. Tell him I'm not okay and that I need him, that I need him really badly. Please? Tell him…"
Then everything around her began to spin and before she even knew it, black clouds pressed their way into her vision and she passed out.
— — — —
When Erin opened her eyes again, a flash of the past events roughly overwhelmed her before she could even figure out where she was. A replay of each seconds from those long minutes was being thrown back at her like a slap across the face. Worst thing about it was, she almost could feel his hands all over her body all over again.
"Erin, listen to me," She recognized Will's voice upon her, feeling his hand on her forehead. "I know it hurts but I need you to stay still. Can you do that for me? I'm pretty sure you can. You're a tough one, right? Come on."
And just right here, as he spoke, a massive wave of pain overwhelmed her. She started screaming as loud as she could, as if she needed to somehow get that pain out.
"I know, I'm sorry," He apologized, feeling useless because he couldn't do anything to make the pain go away yet. "You have to hold on just for another minute, Erin. You're half way there, I promise. You're doing great. Just hold on, okay? Hold on."
Erin knew pain. She went down that road over and over again before. But this one, this pain… it was more than what she ever knew and way beyond what she could take. This pain was sharp and constant. This pain was crushing.
"What, what's happening to me? What's going on?" She cried as pain was slowly starting to make it harder for her to breathe. "I can't, I can't… Please, help me. I can't. Help me. You need to help me. Please. I can't."
"Okay! Okay, I'll help you. Take deep breathes for me, okay? I'll help you," Will told her before turning to his fellow intern, Dr. Connor Rhodes. "She can't take this amount of pain any longer. We need to do something about it, now."
"We can't give her anything until the blood test comes back from the lab," Connor retorted on the same hard tone as him. "There is a protocol and you damn well know it."
"Go get a dose of morphine," Will ordered the nurse standing next to him, completely ignoring his co-worker's words. "Did you hear what I just said? Go get a dose of morphine. Now."
"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Will overheard Connor spit as he grabbed a needle anyway. "You can't do that. If she consumed any substances in the last 48 hours, you could kill her."
"Don't! Don't, Will!" Natalie's voice echoed in the room as she entered it, out of breathe from running around the hospital. "Everybody here, do not give her any morphine! Understood? No morphine!"
After Nat handed her boyfriend the results, he realized her bloodstream was filled with cocaine and that he could've killed her in a second. "Damn it!" He frustratedly shouted, throwing the needle into a wall.
In the main time, Natalie had approached Erin and had carefully wrapped her hand around hers. "Listen, I need you to focus for a short moment and tell me exactly how and when was the last time you consumed cocaine. We want to help you but we need this information to do things right, okay? Can you do that for me?"
Erin started apologizing repeatedly, ashamed - knowing she was going to disappoint Hank's family once again. "I think, I think it was… Two days ago, maybe. I snorted when I came home from work around midnight."
"We need to get her to the OR, now," Connor announced, everyone starting to get ready to transfer her as he spoke. "The bleeding is too important. She's going to bleed out if we don't."
Remembering he promised his father that he'd take care of Erin and that he'd stand by her side every steps of the way to make sure she wasn't alone, Will quickly got his shit together and walked to her bed. "Everything's going to be okay. You're going to be sleeping before you even know it."
And in that moment more than ever, Erin felt exhausted. So exhausted of fighting to keep her eyes open, of this damned pain, of this awful feeling of vulnerability she hated so much. She wanted it all to just stop, to shut down. She dreamed of a silent and peaceful place where she couldn't even think. And she knew that all she had to do was to stop fighting the drowsiness, to let go. But there was this micro tiny part of her who was afraid not to be able to come back from this place, who was afraid to die.
Because life may be a heartless creature to her right now but what if it the end of the storm was just around the corner? What if it was so close that she could almost feel happiness coming? Because even while walking through hell, Erin still had hope. She wanted to explore New York since she was a kid. She also wanted to do normal things like go iceskating and go to dance her butt off to a concert. She wanted to hike a mountain to the top just to hear the echo of her voice after she screamed random words out. She wanted to experience love, to fall for someone so hard that she could become more addicted to this person than to drugs. She wanted to prove her parents wrong, to show them that the only thing they actually did right was her. She wanted to make Hank proud. She wanted more of her best friend and her annoying voice waking her up in the morning. She wanted to adopt a dog and name it Pancake. She wanted to buy a car just to be able to sing along to "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson, windows open and sunglasses on. She wanted to travel, to discover new things.
God! She was realizing it now. She wanted more from life, from the world, from its people. She didn't have enough. She was hungry for more. She wanted to start over, to become someone good and she was willing to accept help to get there from now on if that meant getting out of that neighborhood - of that life. All she needed was the chance to ask for it.
"I'm scared," She confessed so quietly that the doctors around barely heard her.
Will gave her the ultimate offended look, making his girlfriend laugh softly as they were pushing her bed out of the emergency room. "What do you mean you're scared? Are you doubting my medicine skills?"
Just when Natalie was about to reassure Erin, Hank pumped out of nowhere with an impressive flow of a questions by second, "Is she going to be okay?! Where are you taking her?! What's going on?! What did he do to her?!"
"Dad, I'll send someone to talk to you and tell you all about what's going on but we need to take her to the O.R. as soon as possible," Will told him as the bed stopped in the middle of the hallway.
"Hank… Hank," Erin cried, panic starting to overwhelm her again. She was afraid to watch him go without hearing her out first, afraid that they'd take her away to surgery before she could finally ask him for help. Because this was her chance and she was ready to take it. She needed to take it. Now.
Hank turned around to met her beautiful eyes, tired and filled with tears. He offered her a reassuring smile and used his left hand to carefully caress her hair. He hated this. He hated seeing her in so much pain and not being able to do a damn thing about it. He hated feeling useless, especially with one of his children. "Hey there, tough little one. Don't cry."
His words only brought more tears to her bloody cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Jason was right. I should've followed him, I should've left with him. Because I was never going to be okay there. But I went again. I went for more, as if I was asking for it. But I wasn't. I was being stubborn, I was angry. But I want out now. I'm done, Hank. I need it to stop, I can't take it no more. Please, get me out. Please. Don't leave without me. Please, okay? I'll do anything you want. I just don't ever want to go back. Don't let me go back."
Hank swallowed hard, his heart breaking a little bit more with each words that she pronounced. "I won't go anywhere without you. You have my word."
"I'm sorry to interrupt but we really need to keep moving," Connor's voice made Erin jump as the young doctor urged them again.
According to the colors of their blouses, the doctors surrounding his kid were all interns - all kids themselves to his eyes. Hank loved his son. He loved him and that's why he would never trust an intern with his life neither. He really wished that Will was wearing that dark blue blouse. But he wasn't and Hank couldn't risk loosing her. "Where's the attending on call?"
"We paged him but he still hasn't show up," Natalie answered as Will sighed loudly, annoyed.
"I guess you'll need to page someone else then," His voice strictly ordered all of them as Erin was slowly letting her drowsiness win the battle they've been fighting for over half an hour.
"We don't have the time to wait for someone else," Dr. Rhodes spat, really not impressed by Hank or his big and almost scary voice. "She is going to die if we do."
"Go," Will told his colleagues, standing in front of his father to stop him from following them or do anything stupid. "Go, now."
Hank opened his mouth to probably threaten his own son to punch him if he didn't get the hell out of his way but was cut out when the young surgeon spoke before he could. "I'm going to talk to you as her doctor and you're going to listen carefully because I don't have time to repeat myself: We're trauma surgeons. We walk through those doors everyday, we put those blouses on and we do our very best to save the lives that are put in our hands. Being an intern does not make us any less good than the attending that we paged and who is, by the way, probably too busy sleeping to show up. Thankfully we are here and, although you seem to doubt it, we are qualified to perform surgeries on our own. So back off and wait here until we're done." When his father tried to interrupt his little monologue, Will stopped him. "Don't, I'm not finished yet. I'm going to take a second to talk to you as your son now: I know that it's hard for you to have no control over the situation and I know that you hate it but I need you to trust us, to trust me. We can do this. We will."
Before he could even think of an answer, Will ran away from him to join his colleagues upstairs. Because he had a life to save and there was no more time left to waste.
When he entered the scrub room, he was welcomed by his girlfriend's refreshing smile. "Everything's okay?" She immediately asked him.
On a normal day, he would've laugh at her question. Then he would've walked into the O.R. and performed this surgery he knows like the back of his hand. It would've been quick and clean. It would've been easy, almost like a routine. He wouldn't have had to question anything, he just would've trust each of his moves. Because this O.R. was his environment, his world. No place could make him feel as good and as fearless. He was always fine here, no matters what was happening outside. In between those walls, he always feet fine and confident.
But today wasn't normal. Because the patient wasn't anyone. She would've been if everything happened just a few hours earlier but it didn't and now he had to deal with it. Thing was… He didn't know how to.
"My dad… I saw it, in his eyes. He looked at me the way he would've looked at me if it was Jay on the table." He explained. "I tried to look confident in front of him, like I was sure we could do it. But, what if we can't? What if we fuck up?"
Letting all the doubts he tried so hard to keep to himself almost made him feel better. It probably was because he wasn't just facing a co-worker, he was facing his girlfriend. His girlfriend he knew he could tell everything to and expect the best advices out of it.
"We won't fuck up," She told him, approaching him close enough to let him know that he wasn't alone but away enough to look professionals. "We've already been there multiple times before and we saved the patient everytime, remember? This is our job and we are good at it. Plus, we are a great team. Which mean Erin isn't dying today."
He smiled at Natalie's words. "I'd kiss you hard right now if it was appropriate."
Her magic laugh echoed in the room before she left it to join Erin's side in the O.R. She wanted to hold Erin's hand while the anesthetist was doing his thing. She wanted to make her feel surrounded, to help her get through it. "Are you ready for this?"
"Almost," She weakly nodded. "I just… I started overthinking. That's what I do when I'm nervous, I overthink. And I realized that I never thanked him, I never thanked Hank. He always stood by my side and I never said thank you."
"Believe me, you'll have a billion opportunities to thank him when you get out of here," Natalie promised after she quickly vanished away the tears that Erin's words brought up to her eyes. "Because you are getting out of here."
She tried to hold her sobs back but couldn't. Not tonight, not right now. "And I'll thank him when I do, I swear I will. It's going to be the first thing I do when I wake up, actually. But… I need to know that he knows how thankful I am in order to be completely ready for this. So I'm begging you, could you go and thank him for me just this one time? Please."
"Okay," Natalie murmured in a whisper. "I'll do it, I'll go. I promise."
Erin managed to give her a small smile through her sobs, "I'm ready then."
Hank was sitting in a cold and empty room of the hospital, away from the noises of its hallways. He needed silence to figure out when in the world did he let it go that far, when did it got out of his hands. He used to be the one getting her out of trouble and the one helping her to get on her foot again.
"Here you are! I've been looking for you all around the hospital," His wife's voice brought him back to reality. "I brought you some coffee. Here, drink it."
"Thank you," Hank whispered as she sat by his side, resting her head against his shoulder. "You should go home and sleep a little."
"I'm fine," She refused.
"You're tired," He corrected her just before a familiar voice interrupted their conversation.
When Natalie appeared in the sight of the married couple, they both immediately jumped out of their chairs. She couldn't be standing in front of them already, they couldn't be finished when they probably haven't started yet. Something was wrong.
When she noticed the panic in their eyes, Natalie reassured them right away. "Everything's okay. I'm only here to talk."
"Go headed," Hank nodded - half relieved, half nervous.
"Erin came in with multiple broken ribs. She also needed a re-do on most of her head wounds. But most importantly… He stabbed her," She explained, using the word he because everyone here knew who did this.
Camille wrapped her hand around her husband's, letting him know that she was there and that he could hold on to her through whatever what was coming next. "Where? Where did he…?"
"Her abdomen," She cut him, seeing he had trouble to finish his sentence. "It didn't damage any organs but she lost a lot of blood and developed an infection."
"But she is going to make it, right?" Hank asked, not even bothering to hide how scared he was to actually lose her.
"We won't give up on her," She promised, a tear in the corner of her eye. That look on his face… It was tough to look at. "There is something else you need to know… She doesn't seem to know that he stabbed her. The old woman who called on your phone told the paramedics that Erin didn't notice the blood all over her shirt until she questioned her about it."
"How is it possible?" Camille asked for him.
"We think he did it to stop her from fighting back and leaving but that the knife didn't go deep enough to stop her completely. Adrenaline must've protect her from pain and made it possible for her to run away without even noticing what happened," Natalie explained.
To say that Hank was about to lose his shit was an understatement. He couldn't hold it in anymore, no matters how hard he tried to. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to find him and I'm going to kill him."
"You can't go!" Natalie grabbed his arm to stop him from taking another step. Her voice came out so firm and loud that it made him turn around automatically, with that are you seriously talking to me that way? face. "I'm sorry but you can't! You made a promise to Erin. You told her that you wouldn't go anywhere without her. You can't just leave and let her wake up by herself."
"I trust you to be by her side when she does," He told her.
Natalie laughed, shaking her head. "You don't understand. I'm just a stranger to her, someone she met a couple of hours ago over dinner and a doctor that won't even be able to take her pain away because no fucking medicine is strong enough to stop it without killing her in the process. My face isn't what she wants to wake up to. Yours is."
"I'll try and come back before she does wake up then."
"She freaked out, upstairs," Natalie informed him, playing her very last card to make him stay. "We were about to put her to sleep and she realized that she never thanked you. She couldn't stand it. She wanted to see you, right away. We couldn't make it happen 'cause we were out of time so I promised that I'd do it for her. Since I keep every promises that I make, here you go: Erin thanks you and she can't wait to thank you again in person," Hank was about to say something but she cut him off before he could. "I kept my words and with all due respect, you should quit being selfish and keep yours."
"The first time she entered my car with a black eye, she explained it by telling me that her mom's new boyfriend was unable to accept no as an answer. I was ready to go and give that asshole a lesson that he would never forget… But she didn't let me. She told me that she had never seen her mom so happy than since he was around, that she could take his shit as long as he kept on making her smile. Then she made me promise to never touch him and to never put him in a cell. So I accepted the drug trafficking, I accepted the fact that he got her addicted to heroin, I accepted to let him use her as a punching ball. I even accepted worse. I accepted everything he was throwing her way because I knew that she would walk away from me the minute I broke that promise and I couldn't…" He paused, shaking his head. "I kept that promise for four fucking years. But I'm done. Maybe she'll hate me for it, maybe she won't. I don't care. Because as long as that asshole isn't around anymore, she'll be fine and so will I. Accept it."
"Hank," Camille whispered, trying to get her stubborn husband's eyes on her. "Hank, look at me? I'm your wife. I stood by your side through it all, good and ugly. I supported every choices that you made because I knew that it was the right one everytime. But if I have to block the way out of this hospital to stop you from making this one choice, I will. Because you're about to make one hell of a mistake, there. Erin… She finally realized that she needed you, that you could help her get the life that she deserves to have. You can't just run away and let your angst ruin it. You have to keep your promise and be here when she wakes up, Hank. You have to do it for her."
— — — —
Meanwhile, on the other side of town and after a few beers with his best friend, Jason found himself on the step of the door of another friend. Mila.
It was always the same thing between them, over and over again. He'd knock on the door, she'd act surprised and then she'd do something to help him forget all about his day without asking any questions. The afterwards was always more complicated though, especially for her. She'd be needy of sweet kisses and of beautiful words that Jason couldn't and wouldn't give to her. Worst thing was, she knew it since day one; when he told her it would never be anything more than just sex, that he wasn't a dating kind of guy. He even offered her a way out before they start doing anything if it wasn't enough for her. But here she always was, desperately hoping for more everytime his blue eyes walked through her door.
"Who's Erin?" She asked, watching him grab his clothes around her bedroom half naked.
When her name echoed in the room, he turned around almost unconsciously and faced Mila right away. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me," She groaned in a way that did nothing expect upset him.
As Mila kept whining about his lack of attention toward her, Jay was trying to figure how in the world could she could possibly know about Erin since he hadn't talked about her to anyone, not even to Adam. But then it hit him.
"Give me my phone back," He ordered coldly.
She sighed as he interrupted her monologue, "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"
"No," He said, as honest as usual. "Now give me my fucking phone back."
"You're welcome,"
He had a couple of missed calls, of texts and even a voicemail from his dad. "What the fuck..."
"It's me, it's dad," He heard his father whisper after he put his phone to his ear to listen to his message. "I don't know where you are but Erin was transported to Med earlier tonight. Son of a bitch stabbed her and it doesn't look good. It's bad, actually. Anyway, just call me back when you get this. We need to talk."
Jay blanked, guilt and regrets starting to eat him up from inside. Letting the scenario replays in his head, Jay could re-see himself leaving her behind with her worst nightmare when he could've fight a little harder to drive her away from it. He felt like shit, almost dirty. He couldn't believe it. And all he could do was regret. He regretted believing her and her endless I'm going to be fine when he could've bet his damn car she wouldn't be, when all he should've done was drag her to that same damn car and get her back home. Because that would've been the right thing to do, even if it meant doing it with her voice screaming at his face and threatening to shoot him with her gun again. It would still be the right thing. Because she wouldn't be a in a hospital bed fighting for her life right now if he had. And also because you don't ever leave someone in domestic danger fight alone; you fight to take her somewhere where she wouldn't have to be afraid and then you fight on your own to make sure the son of a bitch pay.
"You're screwing her too, aren't you?" Mila's voice brought him back to reality.
He looked at her, disgust obvious in his eyes. She was being the walking proof that jealousy could make the prettiest person ugly. "Don't. You don't know what you're talking about. So don't."
It was more a don't go there, a do yourself a favor and don't make me say things you don't want to hear. He couldn't take her shit right now, he didn't have time for it. He grabbed his leather jacket and walked toward the door, Mila following his steps close behind him.
Knowing she couldn't do anything to make him stay, she decided to let her jealousy takes her a little bit further down the ugly road. "Don't bother come around tomorrow if the bitch doesn't make it, I won't help you forget about that."
"Go to hell," He snapped back without even bothering turning around, slamming her apartment door on his way out.
He drove his car as fast as his shaking hands and confused mind would allow him to go and got to the hospital 20 minutes later, which felt more like hours to him. He quickly stepped out of the car, ready to go in and find out what the fuck that son of a bitch had done to her so he could do 10x worse when he abruptly stopped.
Jason was a soldier. He was a man trained to face confrontation and not fear a inch of it. He wasn't supposed to get worried, to allow himself to think, to show any weakness. He was supposed to get up and go, no matter what could be waiting for him on the other side of the door. Because that's how you get to protect those who can't protect themselves without getting yourself killed along the way when you're fighting a war. Because that's how a soldier make it out, that's how a soldier get to come home.
But, just right here, shame and fear paralyzed him. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he couldn't carry on. He couldn't go in and face his father, tell him he offered her a ride home and then went for a couple of beers with his best friend and a fuck with some girl on the other side of town while she was being physically attacked by her roommate. He couldn't.
But he couldn't turn his back on her again neither. He actually needed to hear that she was going to be fine. So he walked into the hospital, ignoring his fears and his shame. He probably asked 6 different nurses where he could find Erin Lindsay before finally finding himself standing in a emergency room she was supposed to be in. But unfortunately, the only trace of Erin in here was her blood floating on the floor.
"Jay," He immediately recognized his dad's voice behind him and as he turned around to met his tired eyes, Jason realized it was the first time that he was able to read pain and concern on his father's face.
"Where is she?" He quickly asked him, skipping the hellos and co.
"Surgery," He answered as he took a step closer to him. "Jason, what happened? Did you drive her home? She said something about you being right, that she should've left with you. You were with her, right?"
He could barely get the words out. "Yeah, I was."
Hank took another step, laying a hand on his son's shoulder. "Hey. Just tell me what happened."
"When I left home to go to Adam's, I saw her walking on the sidewalk and since it was fucking freezing outside I… I don't know, I just figured I'd give her a ride," He started explaining, trying his best to hide how uncomfortable he was. "Anyway. When we got there, the lights inside the house were on. I told her that I could drive her back to you if she didn't wanted to go in anymore but she said that she needed to. She was so damn sure that this stupid fucker was the guy who shot you, dad, and she wanted to make him pay."
"Did you told her that he wasn't?" Hank asked immediately.
"I tried but she ran out of the car before I could," He answered, rolling his eyes. "So I followed her inside the house to tell her and then that son of a bitch appeared out of nowhere. He started bitching about me being here in his house with her, his priority. He said it in a way to let me know he owned her or some shit. Then he offered to let me borrow her for the night against a couple of bucks."
Hank shook his head, disgusted and angry. "You've got to be kidding me."
"He didn't like it when I told Erin that we should leave together so he ended up threatening me with a gun - but Erin stopped him. That's when she told me to leave, that she could handle him, that she'd be fine," He was the one to shake his head this time, still unbelievably mad at himself for actually believing it. "I should've pushed her harder, I should've made her come home with me. But I didn't. I left."
"Don't do that, don't blame yourself," Hank told him. "Believe me, I've known Erin for ten years and she has never listened to a word I've said. She wouldn't have followed anyone, not even a cop threatening to arrest her. She is almost as stubborn as you."
I'm unforgivable for the lack of updates. I hope this chapter can will help you forget about it.