38. Confessions of a Squib and Weasley
Having a nightmare on the first day of school makes you wake up in a bad mood. No, not bad, terrible. Horrid. What makes it absolutely catastrophic is the new spot that screams for attention. The big red imperfection sat on my chin as if my normal chin just wasn't chinny enough. I couldn't stop fidgeting, finding any excuse to hide it by cradling my chin in my hand as I leaned my elbow on whatever surface was available. Thankfully, Alicia came to my rescue during lunch as she plonked a small bag on the table.
"Move your hand," she ordered as she unzipped the bag.
"I'm eating," I said.
"Move it."
As soon as my hand fell into my lap I lowered my face, only for it to be held up by Alicia's forefinger and thumb.
"Your skin is slightly darker than mine but I got some concealer from Grace as well. It'll blend well into your skin. Keep your head there."
Alicia squeezed a drop of liquid onto her finger and lightly rubbed it over the spot, repeating the process with some concealer from another bottle. Grabbing a brush, she blended the two over the spot and my chin. Another bottle, some more blending and brushing.
"The redness has gone but you can still see a slight bump. Here, have a look."
My reflection in the compact mirror had my mouth falling open. The spot had disappeared.
"Now will you please eat and talk with us?"
I looked up to see the girls smiling at me.
"Was I that bad?"
"No," Angelina said at once. "But it was obvious it was bothering you."
"Thanks," I said, handing Alicia her mirror back.
"Happy, now?" Fred asked, his thumb turning my face towards his as he gently stroked over my chin. Was he also mesmerised by the ethereal powers of makeup?
"She did a great job."
"You looked great before." He placed a chaste kiss to my lips.
"Ella, you're in my DADA class, right?" Katie said, sipping her juice from a goblet.
I nodded. "Has anyone had that class yet?"
Lee's following groan was so loud it startled students from the Ravenclaw table who turned to glare at him. He flipped them off, his face buried into the table. The twins patted his back in sympathy.
"That bad?" Katie asked.
"Worse," Lee's muffled voice answered. "She's a bat straight out of hell."
"Toad," the twins corrected.
"What happened?"
"Well for starters, no magic," George said with a sneer.
"Oh, yeah, good one, George," Katie laughed.
"Babe," Angelina put her hand over Katie's. "He's not kidding"
Katie's eyes bulged out. "What?!"
"We couldn't have our wands out," Angelina stabbed at her food, no doubt picturing the foul professor as she did so. "She's making us work from a book that we could have easily done in our third year."
"Is she allowed to do that?"
"Apparently."
"She should be sent away simply from the way she dresses," Alicia said. "All that pink surely means there's a screw loose somewhere."
"Or a few," Fred snorted.
"She's just infuriating!" Angelina growled.
"There, there, Ange," George consoled, rubbing his hand along her back. "At least she didn't threaten you with detention."
"You always get detention, though," I said.
"Extra time with her, though? Not a chance." George shook his head.
"And she let on to destroying the snackboxes if she ever saw them," Fred said.
"Or anything else of ours."
Katie and I gasped. "She didn't. Great, now I'm dreading this lesson. Thanks, guys."
Fred walked with me to my DADA lesson after lunch. Alicia and Katie were walking ahead as Fred ambled behind leisurely, his arm around my shoulders.
From everyone's reactions I knew this lesson was going to be a bore and the professor a nightmare. It was my first lesson in an actual class with other students in Hogwarts, but I was going to do it without Fred. I had Katie, but we weren't the closest. She was nice and spunky and protective and sarcastic, but I didn't really know her, the real her.
The only thing that had me anticipating the lesson was the no magic aspect of it. I felt guilty that the one thing everybody hated about the class was the only thing I was looking forward to. I still didn't have a good control of magic and dreaded the thought of other people witnessing my disasters. Maybe this would be a good start in integrating myself further with the students. The other professors would help me with spells and my focus until I would be able to join them during the usual times for classes. I would be able to rely less on books and more on my own ability.
I thought of Bill and Nanny Anne, and how proud they would be to see me making these leaps in such a short amount of time while everyone around me had been practicing for years. It would be such an achievement.
"You ready?" Fred's voice brought me out of my thoughts.
"No."
He smiled at my answer and swooped down to kiss me, his lips landing on my cheek at the last second as I turned my face.
"Fred…"
"How can I resist you?" he chuckled. "You really expect me to keep the PDA down?"
"Yes."
"You're cute."
"You're annoying."
Fred glanced at his watch. "I need to go now, George and I have some devious plans to perfect. Dinner in the kitchens? Just you and me…"
"Okay." My hand pushed him away as he leered down at me, forcing me to the wall. Without his long hair to curtain the privacy of our faces, we were exposed to everyone around us. Unfortunately, at that moment it happened to include a very small and blinding professor.
"Hem-hem."
"In a minute," Fred murmured, his lips grazing my jaw. I hardly heard the exchange, too distracted by the heat of him surrounding me. Until it was gone.
"What the f–"
"We do not have a minute, Mr Weasley. Lesson begins now." Professor Umbridge smiled sweetly at him, her hands clasped together and head tilted. Fred glared at her from the other side of the corridor. "I'm sure you have some studying to do. You need every minute you get, from what I saw of your performance this morning. Now, hop along."
She pivoted on her kitten heels and went into the classroom before Fred could retort.
"Bitch."
"Did you hit the wall?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No, but there is something I really want to hit. Someone."
"Fred, don't get into it with the new professor. She'll be gone by the end of the year, just like all the others."
"It's only the first day and she's pissing me off more than Snape," he growled, fixing his uniform.
"Ignore her," I said. "Go on, George is waiting for you."
"Have fun," he drawled sarcastically, winking as Alicia dragged him off with a farewell wave of her own.
People were already taking their seats inside the classroom, making sure they were amongst their friends. Katie grabbed my arm and pulled me to the middle row of tables but on the far right. Sitting in uniform amongst people my own age in a school setting felt normal, just like back in Ottery. The anxiety bubbled into excitement for the lesson to come. At that moment I didn't care that probably no one in the room knew my name or my face, or that maybe they'd stare when the professor would call out my name for register.
"Good afternoon class," Umbridge said, silencing the class. "Welcome to Defence Against the Dark Arts, where I am here to help you finally grasp the essentials. There will be no need for wands, so back in your bags they go."
The students who hadn't heard from others about the strict rule whispered their outrage. Katie pinched my elbow and pushed a scrap of parchment in front of me on the table. Quickly checking to see Umbridge was looking elsewhere as she carried on her introduction. I had never passed notes before in class. The friends that I had in my year were always the type to keep their heads down either concentrating or doodling, never the chatty types. Witnessing the ones who had passed notes and gotten caught I'd learned the art of it. Now was the time to put it into practise.
At the bottom was a rough sketch of a toad in a pink dress and bow with crazy spirals for eyes and a speech bubble beside it.
"I teach DADA and not Transfiguration because I can't do anything to fix my face"
I stifled a giggle, covered the parchment with my hand before scribbling back a response. Beside a poor stick drawing of Dumbledore was another speech bubble:
"You look like you could turn a basilisk to stone"
Katie snickered aloud, slapping her hand over her mouth a second too late as all heads whipped around to her.
"Is there something funny, Miss?" Umbridge said.
"No! No, sorry, I was about to sneeze. I'm alright now."
She crumpled the parchment and brought it to her lap under the table. Umbridge made her way towards us, beady little eyes flicking between us.
"What is that in your hand, Miss…?"
"Katie Bell."
"Your hand?"
She brought them both up, fingers splayed open and palms up.
"Nothing. See?"
Umbridge tutted. From her sleeve came out her wand, and with a lazy flick the parchment flew into her hand. She smoothed it open, an eyebrow steadily rising as she read.
"Oh dear. Dear, oh dear. Miss Wood, I must say I am very disappointed. Dumbledore informed me of your, shall we say, burden. But from the good of my heart I decided to overlook it and give you the benefit of the doubt in allowing you into the classroom, and may I say that I expected better."
Whispers were starting up again, drowned by the blood pumping in my ears. Were the gossiping about me? My name? The new girl getting told off? My burden?
Did she say Ella Wood? Is she related to Oliver? They look nothing alike. Will she be trying out for Quidditch? Doesn't look like she'll last long on the pitch. That's Fred's girlfriend? What is he thinking? Why is she sitting beside Katie? What's up with her nose? How comes I've never seen her before?
"Spreading notes in the first few minutes of class? Tut tut. How disappointing. This will be your only warning. Another incident, and it will be a detention. Is that clear?"
"Professor, it was me!" Katie said. "I wrote it first, not Ella."
"Miss Bell, I take it you are aware of your friend's predicament and therefore commend you for looking out for her. However, she must abide by the rules just like everyone else, regardless of how capable she is in comparison," Umbridge smiled at Katie.
"No, I started it. Ella didn't know –"
"That she was disrespecting a member of staff and also the Headmaster?"
"She didn't!"
"Miss Bell, do not raise your voice at me."
"But you're not listening."
"This is your first warning now be quiet. Miss Wood, was I clear?"
There was a noose around my throat preventing me from speaking. My face felt hot and there was sweat coating my skin. All I could do was rub my hands against my thighs. I nodded.
"I should like you to reply with either a 'Yes, Professor Umbridge' or a 'No, Professor Umbridge'."
I swallowed the bubble in my throat but the elephant on my chest wouldn't budge. When I spoke my voice came out like a mouse's squeak.
"Yes, Professor Umbridge."
She fixed us with a pointed look, turned on her feet back to the front of the classroom and burned the parchment until ashes drifted to the floor. We knew she could have cleared it up. She left it.
"Dumbledore has kept Miss Ella Wood in the dark from you for a while now," she said, addressing the class. "I, however, do not agree with this, and feel it my duty to inform you of your fellow student. You should not be blinded and deluded as to her condition that is neither right to you or her. Ella must learn to embrace her difference. There is to be no belittling or snide remarks in this classroom. She is a student here and you will treat her accordingly."
Katie began shaking, her hands fisting her robes.
"Ella had the misfortune of being born a squib. It is unsure of whether she is capable of much magical ability. This classroom, without the use of wands, is perfect for her to assimilate to the schooling and the rules."
The words flew around in my head. Squib squib squib squib squib. It was out now. The entire classroom knew. They were looking, I could feel it, pairs of eyes burning into me, actually burning me through my skin. I was hot but I felt cold and I would willingly melt into the floor if I could but then I'd be a pool staining the ground and that would make me even weirder that I could do such a thing, like an animagus but not exactly and not as cool and clever because I couldn't even do basic magic.
"Now that that's done, shall we begin? Open your books please."
For the rest of the hour I kept my head down and concentrated on the words in the book as much as I could. I didn't get very far, though. It was too quiet, unbearably so. The turning of pages was a welcome sound but it reinforced everybody else's capability as they read more. From the looks I managed to catch at the people in front of me the silence was as odd and unnerving to them as it was to me, even though I was used to having lessons alone. Every so often I was sure I heard whispers.
As soon as the bell rang the only destination I had in mind was my dorm down in the kitchen. Leaving the room I couldn't tell whether someone had purposely bumped their shoulder into mine or if I ran into it. I apologised anyway.
"Ella, I'm really sorry," Katie said. She had already apologised straight after the incident as quietly as possible.
"Katie, it's fine, really. You didn't know. I'm just sorry you got a warning."
"Don't worry about that, I deserved it. It's so hard not to say anything! That was possibly the most boring hour I've ever sat through. And it was only the first lesson."
Fred was leaning by the wall. As glad as I was to see him, I knew he'd want us to spend some time with the other Gryffindors before I had my Charms lesson and then dinner.
"Hey, how was your lesson?"
I walked straight into him, making him stumble backwards.
"Whoa, was it that bad? Are muggle schools different?" he asked, rubbing my back.
"Umbridge has it in for her," Katie said.
"Katie!"
"I passed her a note and Umbridge took it out on her and then she –"
"Gave me a warning. Next time I step out of line I'll get a detention."
"What? That's out of order," Fred said.
We began walking towards the Entrance Hall. Everybody was most likely outside by the lake, taking in as much of the sun as they could before the harsh autumn weather came.
"That wasn't even the worst of it. Umbridge then went on to tell everyone –"
"About the new Ministry guidelines on education DADA. How was your experimenting?"
"Huh? Oh, it was fine. Managed to catch up with Lina on my way here."
"Ella! Stop interrupting me," Katie snapped. "She told the class about her being a squib."
I carried on walking even as Fred froze with Katie. There was a tornado in my stomach spinning and spinning and growing until dark clouds seized my lungs. I could see George and Lee dancing by a tree next to the Black Lake.
"Are you okay?" Fred asked, pulling at my elbow to face him.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. No one had the chance to say anything about it but I'm sure the entire school will know soon."
It actually hit me then, that the entire school would know about me being a squib. Everyone. I wouldn't be able to walk down the corridors without people knowing who I am. I wouldn't be able to hide in the shadows and go to classes on my own without having people suspicious. They would all know.
They probably already did know.
"Oh my God."
"Ella, just breathe, it's not a big deal, come on."
Fred pulled me over to the tree where I saw George and Lee. They yelled out their greetings but stopped short when they saw us.
"What happened?"
"Umbridge," Fred said through gritted teeth. He sat me down against the tree, loosened my tie and unbuttoned my shirt some. "You okay?"
"Everyone knows."
"What did she do?"
"She told the class she's a squib."
"WHAT?!"
"You need to tell Dumbledore."
"Give her some space."
"I'm fine."
"I swear if she wasn't a professor…"
"Do you need anything?"
"What are you looking at?"
"What's going on?"
"I'm fine!"
Angelina and Alicia had arrived. I apologised for yelling. Them not knowing was a good thing, I told myself. But someone would have to tell them now, and I didn't know if I could hear it again myself.
"You sure?" George asked.
"Yes," I exhaled. "It was bound to happen. I guess I should be happy someone got it over with quickly."
"Bullshit," Fred said. "If it was a good thing Dumbledore would have announced it before now."
"Dumbledore doesn't know shit," I murmured.
"Ella?"
"Look, I'm fine. It was just a bit of a shock. I can handle myself."
He looked unsure. I felt unsure. But I wouldn't let it take over me. It was only the first week, I had plenty of time left in Hogwarts and I wouldn't let something so small ruin it.
"So what if everyone knows I'm crap at magic? Now I don't have to hide," I said.
"But there are people here who won't like that you're here," Alicia said. "Don't think that everyone will just leave you to your own business."
I had thought about that. But what could I do? I didn't want one of my friends to hang around me all the time, babysitting me. I'd have to just get on with it and hope Dumbledore knew and could do something about it. It was out of my hands.
I wasn't alone. I had support and resources to get better. Already I could feel a change in my magic. It was still weak and couldn't control my magic. The other day in Transfiguration I had managed to turn a quill into a pen. It was not a very good one, but I still managed to use magic without the involvement of fire. McGonagall's smile and applause resolved my belief. I could do this. I would do this.
Having dinner in the kitchen the previous night turned out to be a great idea, because at breakfast I was aware of all the stares. The Gryffindors were great at keeping me distracted, glaring at everyone who did not look away quick enough and making absurd jokes.
Dumbledore made an announcement.
"It has come to my attention that the condition of one of our honoured students has become the cause of gossip as of yesterday," he said, silencing the hall as everyone put down their utensils, halting their breakfasts. "Any untoward behaviour will be punished immediately. We are a principled school, and a respectable community. I urge each and every one of you to be welcoming and charming in your behaviour towards this student. You will do both yourselves and your ancestors' great honour by being the warm hearted students I know you to be.
"Her safety was the sole reason I have been silent up until now, but I have every confidence in you that the worry was for nought. Compassion goes a long way. I hope you all share your compassion to our student and fellow witch, Ella Wood."
Everybody already knew who I was and where I was most likely to sit. I didn't bother standing up, but I didn't want to look like the cold hearted bitch who knew she was different and think it made her a goddess. I offered smiles to those I could, those my eyes landed on briefly then moved on point two seconds later. It was dizzying.
Fred's hand gave mine a squeeze. It was warm and soft. I hadn't realised mine was shaking.
It was only a matter of time to see whether the Headmaster's words would have any effect.
Fred was a comfy pillow. Not like the normal pillow that you use for your head, but the long one for your entire body. There was a place for every part of me on him. His shoulder cushioned my head while my arm cuddled his waist and leg hooked over his thighs. He wasn't soft, though, but the years he'd spent attacking bludgers made him wonderfully sturdy.
"…And just as I grabbed a bit of her hair she flipped! Spun around with her wand when Flitwick stepped in between us and she jinxed him instead! Poor guy, getting a wedgie by a student."
"You're terrible."
"Hey, I didn't tell her to get violent."
"But you goaded her!"
"Because it's fun, Elle! You know fun it is to watch Lina get angry. She's like a firecracker."
"You know…you talk about her a lot."
Fred shifted, moving his hand from where it was threading through my hair to stroke my face.
"You have nice cheeks," he murmured. "Not quite chipmunk like but not hollow. Really nice cheeks."
"Are you avoiding the conversation?"
He sighed. "Ella, I don't know where you're going with this."
"It's just…I know you two have a past, but you bring her up almost all the time, whether it's something that happened in class or just in general," I said, feeling foolish for every word that left my lips. Why was I doing this? I knew Fred was genuine and wouldn't be doing anything immoral. I guess I just wanted reassurance. As if he didn't tell me or show me already. God, what was I doing? "No, forget I said anything, I'm sorry I know it's nothing, just ignore me I'm being stupid."
"Elle, love, don't feel stupid. If you have something on your mind I want you to tell me." He shuffled until we were both on our sides facing one another, his fingers locked with mine. He kissed my knuckles. "I guess I talk about Angelina because we're good friends, nothing else. She's in my house and a lot of my classes so of course I'll be spending a lot of time with her. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you."
"What?" I managed to ask as my mouth went dry and heart drummed crazily.
He smiled his crooked smile. "I love you, Elle."
I kissed him, and somewhere in that kiss I told him I loved him too, a confession he swallowed and spread around my body through his magical touches and lips. Because I did. I loved Fred Weasley, and he loved me.
"Will it always be like this?" I asked.
"Merlin, I hope so. I really, really do. I love you."
"I love you, Fred."
AN: This took much longer than I had anticipated. My life isn't a sob story so I won't bore anyone with the details but I hope you enjoy! Had to have a little happy ending after hitting Ella with a minor shit storm.