Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or his characters, and have no right to it except as a long time fan.
Love Emerging Through Pain
Chapter Four: Thoughts & A Trip of Aggravation
Sesshomaru stared down the well and watched the miko disappear in a blue flash of light filled with magic before turning and walking away into the forest named after the half-breed. As he headed to see his ward he decided to take the time to consider the past night and all that he had learned from the broken miko.
He would admit to being surprised at her comments and questions. It seemed to him that now that she no longer cared if she lived or died, she was speaking more freely then she otherwise would have and letting her curiosity have free reign. It didn't surprise him that she was attracted to him. He was an attractive demon. He was not being arrogant or conceited, he was simply stating a fact. He was bred to perfection and that included his appearance despite his missing arm.
What did surprise him was the fact that he did not mind that she, a human female - a miko no less, was attracted to him. Usually it disgusted him when human females were attracted to him, actually females in general, because he knew what they wanted from him. Perhaps he didn't mind with the miko because he respected her, because he knew that she didn't want anything from him, and because her comments and questions had explained her attraction.
Either way he didn't mind. Perhaps during their time together her questions would be answered.
As his feet took him in the direction he had left Jaken and his ward in he remembered the miko's explanation of what happened with the jewel. He thought her foolish for making such a wish, and despite her current pain she was lucky that the once dead priestess was his heart's desire. His heart's desire could have been anything. He could have wanted his parents, he could have still wanted to be a full demon, he could have wanted his hated half-brother dead, he could have wanted both of the females. He could have wanted another chance at Naraku so he could end the spider the way he wanted to. The list went on and each would have had dire consequences.
Still, the wish was obviously pure and did its job in destroying the jewel. It was just a shame that the miko had to suffer for it. From the narration he got the night before it was clear that the miko had been suffering for years because of the half-breed.
Sesshomaru wondered if the half-breed had actually been courting the miko or had simply told her that to keep her satisfied. Maybe spending a little more time with her then he usually did to make it seem like he was serious. It was obvious that he wasn't, in fact, serious because if what the miko had said was true, and he had no reason to doubt her, then the half-breed was still seeing both females. He probably planned to keep them both, because if he remembered correctly then the older clay priestess had not died during the final confrontation with the spider.
He narrowed his eyes as a thought came to him, something that he had picked up on the night before that the miko had said. She said she had never let on that she knew what the half breed was up to, when he would go off to rut with the dead one, but he had the sense that there was something more there that she hadn't said.
Could there be something that she didn't remember? Perhaps it was as simple as that since she had been so forth coming. Still, it bothered him and he wanted to know what it was.
As he cleared the tree line he began walking through an empty field and decided it was time to turn his thoughts in another direction. He considered the fact that the miko was from the future. He wondered what this future was like. Obviously humans were more educated, especially the women, and cleaner.
She had spoken of many things that he did not understand, and he considered asking about them. He didn't like being ignorant after all since he was an intelligent youkai. Still, while there had been things he hadn't understood, he got the general idea of her problem. She had spent most of the time since he had first laid eyes on her in this era looking for jewel shards, and because of that she was apparently so behind in her studies that it may have ruined whatever prospects she might have had in life.
Sesshomaru could understand her predicament. He likened it to when he was younger and if he had been obligated by honor and responsibility to handle a situation, but that situation took him away from the important studies he would need to be lord of his lands when it was time. The situation would be just as important, however, he could not very well rule his lands if he was ignorant of history, ignorant of finances, the villages on his land, what type of demons were most likely to cause strife, if he hadn't been taught how to fight, hunt, and the use of his youki.
Yes, he could very well understand the situation the miko found herself in. She could not very well live a full life in her time if her education was not complete.
Sesshomaru then turned his thoughts in another direction and considered what the miko had related about her visit from Midoriko. The legendary priestess apparently agreed with him about the miko not giving up her life because of the half-breed. He certainly was not worth it, and she should not allow him such control of her life.
He was curious about why the legendary priestess visited the miko. Surely the miko wasn't the only priestess that had ever been hurt to the point where they wished to take their life?
Perhaps there was something special about the miko that he was unaware of that warranted her being visited by the long dead priestess. He supposed he would find out eventually if the miko continued to be as forthcoming as she had been thus far.
Sesshomaru put a hold on further thoughts of the miko and took to the sky on his youki cloud and tracked his wards scent to her location. When he arrived he greeted his small pack in his usual fashion- ignoring Jaken and asking Rin how she fared
Once that was out of the way he told them to go home to the House of the Moon since they wouldn't be traveling with him for a while.
Rin was her usual self. Following his orders and cheerfully asking him to please visit her. Jaken seemed to have forgot himself and tried to question him, and received a boot to the face for his insolence.
The demon lord saw them off on Ah-Un and then returned to the well to wait for the miko, while curiously wondering if the half-breed would show himself since he wasn't entirely sure the whelp was done with the miko.
-oOoOoOo-
Kagome landed lightly on the other side of the well as the magical blue light faded. She breathed a weary sigh as she looked at the wall as she realized she would have to climb out. She did not want to. The action would take effort and she did not care to summon any.
Maybe I could just stay in the well and let myself waste away. It would take time to starve but hopefully I could sleep through most of it until I just didn't wake up one day. She thought as her dull eyes traced the numerous lines in the wood. Hmm...but that would only work if my watcher was not around to stop me. She considered as her eyes continued their mindless task. Maybe he's not here. Maybe he changed his...
Kagome's hopeful thought trailed off as she felt a heavy youki flare and settle over her before a shadow did the same. She closed her eyes briefly before opening them and looking up to see the cold golden eyes of Sesshomaru staring down at her.
She sighed once again and closed her eyes as she leaned against the side wall feeling tired. She really did not want to leave the well, but it seemed the small option was taken out of her hands as she felt a strong arm wrap around her waist and pull her against hard armor. There was a slight gust of wind and then her feet were set on the ground and she was being released.
"Can we go see Totosai?" Kagome asked him numbly without thanking him. She saw no reason to thank him since she had not wanted any help getting out of the well.
Sesshomaru looked at her for a few moments, his intense eyes boring into her as if doing so would tell him why she wanted to do such a thing.
"We can travel to him after you speak to your companions." He answered as he looked down at her. "You should at least inform them of what happened, assuming the half-breed has not done so, so they will not come searching for you."
He did not wait for a response as he began to walk, and Kagome had no intention of giving him one as she reluctantly followed after him. He walked her to the edge of the village and informed her that he would stay there while she went in and settled things with her companions. She didn't really care to do that, but if it got her away from the village faster she would scrounge up the effort.
There were cries and shouts that broke the calm silence in the hut and the occupants looked at each other curiously. Hearing Kagome's name from the villagers perked them up and Sango, Miroku, and Shippo went out to wait for her. The two adults immediately noticed that something was wrong with their friend. The smiles she gave to the villagers, usually happy and bright, were small and fake.
Sango and Miroku greeted Kagome with welcoming smiles, hiding their concern as they took in her blank eyes, and Shippo gave her a tight hug but didn't say anything since he could tell that something was wrong with his mother figure. They all gathered in the hut and she greeted Kaede, who also noticed that something was terribly wrong with the usually cheerful girl.
"I'm going to go travel around for a while." Kagome said blandly as her eyes slowly roamed over the occupants of the hut. She didn't feel the need to tell them that she was going with Sesshomaru since she didn't want to deal with their worry, and for them to try and talk her out of it or come with her. It was also better left unsaid that she was very suicidal.
"What?!" Sango gasped in surprised before exchanging looks with Miroku and Kaede. "Why?" She asked as she stared at her hearts sister.
"Yes Lady Kagome, why would you want to travel so soon after defeating Naraku? Surely you would rather relax." Miroku said with a slight frown.
"Where is He?" Kagome asked instead of answering her friends.
Miroku and Sango frowned in uncertainty. They could tell by her tone that she meant their half demon friend, but they had no idea where he was. Until she arrived alone and her demeanor so changed they had assumed the two of them were together.
"He has yet to come back child." Kaede answered, understanding that Inuyasha had something to do with what had changed Kagome so much, and not entirely surprised.
"My wish on the jewel was His heart's desire. That desire was a living breathing Kikyou." Kagome stated simply in a quiet voice devoid of emotion.
They realized instantly what happened and now understood what happened to make their friend so numb and want to leave them. She needed to be away from any place that Inuyasha was likely to be. She needed space to get over him and deal with the hurt, and she wouldn't get that if she was around him being affectionate with Kikyou.
"What do you plan to do now that Naraku and the jewel are gone?" She asked in a monotone voice.
"We're going to stay here in Edo. We're going to get married in a small ceremony and start our lives." Miroku said proudly while Sango smiled and blushed.
"I'm sure it will be a beautiful ceremony." Kagome said with a barely there smile that didn't even try to reach her blank eyes.
They were surprised that she wasn't staying at least for the wedding, but she told them that after what happened she wasn't in the right mood for a wedding. And she really wasn't. She did not even care enough to summon up a little happiness that her friends were finally able to start their lives without the threat of Naraku or the wind tunnel over their heads.
"Will you do me a favor? Will you look after Shippo for me?" She asked the adults in the room as she prepared to leave, and they assured her that he would be well taken care of.
For his part Shippo half-heartedly tried to get Kagome to let him go with her because he wanted to be with her, but at the same time he had the feeling that she wanted to travel alone to deal with what Inuyasha had done to her.
"I wish I could bring you but with the way I'm feeling I would be unable to look after you properly." Kagome told Shippo as she gave him a light hug. "If anything happened to you because I wasn't paying attention I would feel even worse then I do right now."
Shippo understood and accepted the fact that he would be left behind, but he worried even more with the tone of voice she had spoken in. She sounded as if she didn't care about anything, let alone what she had just said to him.
Kagome said goodbye to everyone, purposely leaving out any mention of seeing them once she was feeling better. If she had her way she would never see them again in that life. They would be able to live their lives without her there to cause trouble.
Once everyone had said a goodbye they were happy with, Kagome left with thoughts of ditching the demon lord waiting for her in mind. She let her feet take her away from where she had last seen him, but it was only moments before Sesshomaru appeared out of thin air and had his large clawed hand locked around her slender wrist.
Eyes met, gold and blue clashed, and demon and miko began their travels together.
-oOoOoOo-
As they traveled Kagome quickly let Sesshomaru know that her death wish was still very much there and as strong as ever.
She did not want to let her mind wander to Him, and so she does all she could to annoy Sesshomaru enough to kill her. She touched his arm and legs, stroked her hands over the fur draped over his shoulder, ran her fingers through his hair, and asked intrusive questions about his personal life.
"Why aren't you married? Or is it mated? Are you mated?", "What do you have under that armor and those silks?", "How do you get dressed with only one arm?", "Do you wear a fundoshi or nothing at all?", "Do you feel naked in your true form?" "Do you lick yourself like mortal dogs do?"
On and on the questions went, and when Kagome sensed demons she tried to head toward them. Only to be stopped, snatched mid stride and carried until the demons were long out of range.
As Sesshomaru found himself carrying the miko yet again he considered what to do about the situation. He promised to keep her alive and that would become tiring if he didn't find a way to distract her from her constant attempts on her life.
Perhaps training her to use her powers better. He considered as he walked with her wiggling form hanging from his arm. Yes. The use of her powers and how to protect herself with weapons and her own body. That should help distract her mind for hours at a time. He decided with an internal nod.
When they stopped to settle down for the night and a fire had been made for the miko, he decided to inform her of his decision.
Kagome listened half-heartedly as she pulled out her night clothes but she still heard him, so she pulled out the twin daggers that his future self had gotten her so he could see that she had those to use as well in this plan of his.
"Strap one to your leg and the other to your arm. Take them off only when bathing. You are to keep them on even when sleeping so that you will always have a solid weapon at the ready." Sesshomaru instructed calmly while wondering why she had them. She hadn't had them before and he didn't think she would put in the effort to learn to use them on her own.
Kagome nodded her agreement carelessly as she laid out her sleeping bag and opened it so it was ready for her. She then took the short blades and her night clothes, a pair of gray yoga pants and a black tank top, and went behind a tree and some bushes to change and strap on the daggers. She calmly put one on her left forearm and the other on her right lower leg.
Once she was done she grabbed her clothes and went back out into the camp to discover that her watcher was gone. She tried to sense him as she put her clothes away, but she couldn't locate him. She wasn't sure if he was still in the area and masking his presence or if he had just gone out of her reach.
Either way she didn't care. He wasn't there at the moment and that was all that mattered. She stood and looked up at the trees around her. The area Sesshomaru chose to make their camp in looked like a cross between a regular forest and a jungle, because the green of the grass and leaves was dark and she could see thick vines hanging from branches all over the place.
Kagome looked at the tree she had changed behind with slightly narrowed eyes and thought it was the right height and sturdy enough for what she wanted, so she carefully climbed it and sat high in its branches on a thick one as she pulled a vine toward herself. After making sure it was a suitable length, she tied it to the branch she was sitting on and then calmly fashioned a noose.
She slipped the dark green noose over her head and tightened it, then looked down to once again check that the height was right before closing her somber yet blank eyes and pushing off the branch. She felt herself yank violently to a stop and gasped and gagged as she began to strangle. Part of her had hoped that her neck would simply snap but apparently she couldn't even have luck with that.
She gasped for air as her watery eyes stared at the trees in her line of sight as she felt her body struggle to survive even as she tried to stop its movement. Her vision began to go black around the edges but before it could spread she felt herself fall, and then caught before landing gently on the ground as her eyes slid closed. She gasped violently and coughed as her body sucked in as much air as possible.
She opened her watery eyes as she felt the vine around her neck being removed, and realized that she was leaning against something firm but warm. She felt herself once again being lifted before being set down on her sleeping bag and made to lay down. Only then did she see that her unwanted savior was once again Sesshomaru.
Kagome watched as he pulled the top of her sleeping bag over her and gently began rubbing her neck as he looked at her.
"Sleep miko." Sesshomaru said quietly as he shifted his eyes to her neck, watching the bruise from the vine get darker.
Clearly he was going to have to keep an even closer eye on the miko then he thought. Although he shouldn't have been surprised after the day he had just gone through. He had never been more tempted to kill someone before and the only thing stopping him was his promise to her, the fact that he knew that was her goal, and his curiosity about the woman-child from the future.
Sesshomaru sighed mentally as he watched her close her blank blue eyes. He was going to have to wait until she was asleep to patrol the area for threats from now on, and also be more careful about their camping location. He'd never heard of someone trying to kill themselves in such a way, but he had to remember to take into account that the time she was from was more advanced then this one and that obviously included ways to end one's life.
He would never admit to how concerned he was to hear her rasping gasps as he neared the camp, and then how shocked he was to see her body struggling as she dangled by her neck as he cleared the tree line. It was clear evidence of exactly how serious the miko was at ending her life. Not that what he had seen before was less serious. This had just a shocking reminder. He would have to make sure she wouldn't have another chance to put herself in such a position. Although he supposed he should be thankful that she hadn't thought to use her daggers. He would have to keep an eye on those as well.
Sesshomaru continued to gently rub the miko's neck until her breathing evened out to that of someone sleeping. He then moved to sit against a tree to watch her sleep and plan out their schedule for the next day.
-oOoOoOo-
Kagome woke reluctantly, her neck flaring with pain and she recalled her failed attempt to hang herself.
It would have succeeded if Sesshomaru hadn't come when he did, but it would have been better if my neck had just snapped when the vine tightened after I jumped. She thought morosely. She would have another chance though. Her watcher couldn't actually watch her every moment of the day.
She finally opened her eyes to the bright light of the day and stared at the bright blue sky in misery. The weather had no business being so cheerful when she felt like shit. Her blank eyes swiveled around the camp site and settled on her silent watcher, who was of course watching her.
"You will begin lessons on how to use your reiki once you have eaten. We will first start with how to access them, then proceed with how to control them." Sesshomaru informed her after a silent staring match of cold eyes boring into blank ones.
Kagome merely blinked at his words. Part of her didn't care to learn, part of her didn't want to put in the effort, and another part thought that it would keep her mind off Him.
She was right in her last thought. The lessons kept her mind from thinking of Him. Sesshomaru had her meditating, focusing on her powers, sensing them and feeling them.
As the days passed it wasn't long before she was focusing on the training since she realized it didn't take any thought at all and kept all thoughts away. The only problem she saw was that because there was nothing to distract her, and because she was focusing so intently, she learned faster. Once she had mastered accessing her power at will and without thought, she began to learn different applications.
Barriers, weapons made of her power, seals. She could learn to do more but that would require thought and she wasn't willing to open herself up to things not related to her powers flooding her mind. Since she wasn't willing to think of other unique ways to use her powers she was back to having nothing to distract her mind from her thoughts.
As Kagome and her watcher traveled, their steps bringing them ever closer to the sword smith, she was helpless against the thoughts that had finally managed to penetrate her mind.
She still couldn't believe He had chosen Kikyou over her, that the clay woman was his heart's desire, and- since Kikyou hadn't been killed- that she as a living being was his heart's desire.
Kagome wished she had never wished for His heart's desire, wished she had never promised to always stay with him. Making that promise had chained her to him. She had no way to get over him since she was always around him, had no defense against his rough and awkward wordless apologies and attempts to be nice. Knowing him the way she thought she did, she had found that behavior sweet.
She loved him so much. It hurt so much that he had used her and trampled on her feelings. She had been a warm body with Kikyou's face and that was why he asked to court her; that was why he protected her. She did everything he wanted and never asked for anything. Perhaps that was why he felt he could treat her the way he did, because she always forgave him without him actually doing anything for her forgiveness.
Pain shot through her heart as she suddenly wondered if he had been planning on keeping the both of them. Her face twisted as she realized that she must have given him the impression that she would have been fine with it. Would I have been?!
What had become of her?! She shouldn't have even had to think about it. The fact that she did disturbed her and increased her depression. She didn't want to live and be the kind of woman who was so in love with Him that she was willing to share him.
Will I ever be able to get over Him? If I do will I fall in love with someone like him? Will I be willing to share him too?! She wondered painfully.
Kagome hated herself. She hated the person she had become. She was pathetic. She was weak. She was worthless. She couldn't even compare to a dead woman. She wanted to escape. She just wanted to die. She wanted the agonizing pain to end.
She eyed the hilt of the long dagger attached to her arm, barely peeking out from the sleeve of her gray yukata, then glanced ahead of her to Sesshomaru. He would be on her before she had even finished pulling it from its sheath to make sure she didn't use it on herself.
She sighed morosely and looked up at the darkening sky and felt cold droplets of water splash onto her face, slow at first then faster and faster signifying a storm was on its way.
Kagome didn't care. She liked the rain. It went with her depressed feelings and the cold was working to distract her mind from her painful thoughts.
Sesshomaru frowned internally at the rain, irritated that there were no villages on their route to the demon smith to get Kagome proper clothing to prevent her from getting ill. It would be just his luck if she got ill and refused to take care of herself in an attempt to waste away without any effort on her part.
It was a good thing they were close to Totosai's mountain home. The miko would be warm there and hopefully sickness would be prevented so as not to complicate his difficult task of keeping her alive.
Author's Note: Any suggestions on how to have Kagome try to take her life are welcome. Keep in mind that I don't want her seriously hurt or actually killed. She can be hurt though.