Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or his characters, and have no right to it except as a long time fan.
Love Emerging Through Pain
Chapter Six: Understanding
Sesshomaru sat against a tree, watching silently as the miko disappeared toward the hot spring. If he really did get close to the spring to keep an eye on her he would be able to see her bathing. He didn't wish to invade her privacy, but she didn't need to know that. She couldn't tell if he was watching or not, so he hoped the mere threat would be enough to keep her from acting against herself.
He shifted his eyes toward their camp fire and allowed himself to once again think about his future self, the older Inu's actions, and what they could possibly mean.
He was very surprised at his future self's actions in regards to the miko. He could understand being there when she returned through the well since he knew himself well enough to know he would honor his promise to keep her alive even in her time. Everything else the miko said his future self had done was a bit of a stretch, and he was puzzled as to why he would do them.
He supposed some things he could understand such as picking out her clothing. He would want her dressed properly whilst she traveled with him. The medicine he could understand as well since he would want her to stay healthy and get better should she become ill. And he supposed the weapons made sense, at least the daggers and her bow and arrows.
He worried about her using those weapons on herself, but beyond that they would be useful if he were not around should there be danger; danger and she was in the frame of mind to protect herself. The daggers would be good for up close fighting, and the bow was her main weapon, something she was used to.
The other things she had brought were things he currently wouldn't have thought useful with her state of mind.
Thinking of his future self and the miko's belongings made him briefly consider the cycle of time. His older self had to have seen the items the miko had for him to pick them out for her, but he wouldn't have seen them in the first place if he hadn't picked them out and sent them with her. Logically the cycle would repeat indefinitely.
Sesshomaru shook the thought away as it was unimportant, and returned to his previous thoughts.
He further considered his future self's actions in obtaining the miko's belongings. Just like now he would have kept her with him, so she was obviously with him as he went around purchasing items that she would need just as she had claimed.
She also claimed he remained at her home, packed up everything she needed, and stayed the night to watch over her. He reminded himself.
He didn't understand that. He figured with her being at home she would be watched over by her family. But then he reconsidered. Just because the miko was being so forth coming with him didn't mean she would be with her family.
He imagined she might have at the very least told her mother about the half-breeds decision with the wish, but certainly not her determination to die. He doubted her mother would have let her return if that was the case, so taken in that light he could understand his future self remaining through the night.
The older Inu would have needed to make sure she didn't harm herself during the night, and make sure she actually went back through the well.
Beyond his presence in the future the miko couldn't inform him of his demeanor and the way he spoke, which impeded his ability to try and determine his future self's motives. He imagined he wouldn't have changed much from what he was now, but he acknowledged that five hundred years was a long time and there were many things that could have shaped him into something different than he currently was.
It also wasn't a stretch that his older self would maintain the demeanor the miko was used to while in her presence, so she wouldn't have been able to note any difference and inform him. He could definitely see himself doing such a thing.
Shifting that thought aside Sesshomaru pondered his older self's actions in giving the miko a fang, and one of his top fangs at that. He knew his top fangs were more powerful than all the others, and wouldn't have given them for anyone put his blood. And only deserving blood at that.
So why would his future self give one to the miko? He supposed he could say it was due to the cycle of time. He had done it because the miko said he had, and he had seen the fang for himself.
He had confirmed through scent that it was in fact his fang, and that there was obviously no other way for her to have obtained it other than him personally giving it to her. It had even still had remnants of blood on it, and no matter what time he was in there was no way he would allow anyone to remove his fangs without his say so.
Still, that fact might have factored in, but it couldn't be the lone reason. He had now seen the fang in its sword form, as his future self must have, but his future self must have seen that it would be needed aside from simply being in the miko's possession.
He obviously had no answer for what would come to cause the miko to need such a sword, and knew that trying to figure it out at present with the little knowledge he had would do him no good.
Sesshomaru shifted his eyes to the night sky and suppressed a sigh before he blinked, and narrowed his eyes as he became slightly alarmed.
He had only been lost in thought for a few minutes, but he was just now noticing that there was no sound coming from the hot spring. He expected some small amount of splashing as the miko bathed, even the slight sounds of the ripples in the water as she shifted if she was only sitting in the heated water, but there was nothing.
He rose and quickly made his way through the trees to the hot spring. He immediately spotted the miko's things off to the side, but she was nowhere in sight and he easily determined that her scent hadn't left the area.
He looked at her belongings once again and took in their arrangement. He saw her footwear, but realized the clothes she had been wearing were not there, her bag was untouched, and her daggers were there lying side by side when he had told her not to take them off for anything but bathing.
He narrowed his eyes as he looked to the steaming water, and then his eyes widened as he saw an odd series of bubbles come from the center of the spring.
He immediately jumped in, heedless of his clothing, armor, and weapons, and reached down feeling the silk covered body of the miko. He held back a grimace as he felt the large rock on her chest, and pushed it off before lifting her up until her head broke the surface.
He leapt from the water onto the grass and lay the miko's limp body down. He brushed her hair from her face and felt dread after a few moments as he realized she wasn't breathing.
His mind raced as he tried to figure out what to do. He had seen humans who had drowned, but he had obviously come across them after they were dead. He couldn't and hadn't wanted to help them, and had never felt the desire to use Tenseiga on any of them.
He obviously couldn't let the miko die. He had promised to keep her alive until she was healed, but he didn't know what to do. It displeased him to admit to such a thing even if only to himself in the privacy of his mind.
He decided to try using his youki and see if it helped. He called it up and pushed it against her, surrounding her body as he tried to determine what to do next. It had the effect of drawing her reiki out and he began to push and pull against it, somehow guiding it in forcing the water out of her airways.
She coughed suddenly, water spurting out pass her lips, and he turned her on her side. She coughed roughly as her body expelled the remaining water on its own, and gasped wildly for air as her body shook.
He watched her eyes snap open. They were red and full of shock and panic as she continued to cough and gasp, but as her body expelled most of the water that didn't belong the panic drained from her eyes and was replaced with devastation.
Tears rolled from her eyes in a steady stream, joining the water already on her face, and it became clear to him in that moment that she knew she had been close to being dead and had been brought back, and was clearly upset about it.
She had not wanted to come back.
-oOoOoOo-
It had been a week since Sesshomaru rescued the miko from her latest attempt at taking her life, and he thought back to that night.
He had grabbed her things, not wanting to have to come back for them and risk leaving her alone to try again, and brought her back to camp. He lay her down in the grass once again, and deposited her things next to her bedding with her sword and bow and arrows.
He then began to look through her pack for what he needed since he didn't need to glance at her to know she was too weak in both body and mind to care for herself at the moment.
He found a towel and a yukata and began to cut the miko's wet clothing from her since he couldn't hold her up and remove her clothing at the same time. He knew he would get no help from her.
He dried her off, ignoring her complete nakedness, and used his youki to keep her warm during the process, not wanting her to become sick again. Then he dressed her in the yukata and moved her to her bedding and covered her.
Since then the miko had gotten worse than she was. She lay in her bedding day and night, usually sleeping. However, when she was awake she would not speak, get up, or eat. She simply gazed blankly at the first spot her eyes landed on.
After watching this behavior he realized he needed to do something other than just keep her alive. This couldn't go on or she would eventually succeed in ending her life.
He reminded himself that he respected the broken miko and had willingly taken it upon himself to keep her alive, which made him honor bound to succeed, but also that he was concerned.
She did not deserve the lot she had been dealt, and she should not be in the condition she was in. His future self had obviously been thinking about his honor, but also must have been concerned to help her as he did.
Still, the miko would never get better if he didn't do something, but he was unsure what that something should be.
After thinking over all she had imparted to him about herself and her life since entering his time, witnessing her suicide attempts, and learning what the half-breed had tried to do to her numerous times over, he came to the conclusion that he really did need to help her if she was to heal.
He continued to think it over for a few more minutes, his eyes on the miko the entire time, and then sighed lightly. He wasn't at all comfortable with it but he decided to get her talking about her thoughts and what she was currently feeling toward the half-breed.
Sesshomaru rose to his feet from his usual seat against a tree, and moved to sit next to the miko's bedding, facing her and the fire. The sun had gone down not too long ago and she was still awake, staring blankly up at the sky.
He reached over and turned her head toward him, and made sure she was focused on him and not staring through him.
"I am going to ask you questions about yourself and the future. I wish to know what the future is like and understand what to expect in the coming years." He told her. He also thought it would help him understand the miko more and help her heal.
When she simply blinked up at him blankly and nodded he began to ask his first question.
"How old are you?"
"Nineteen." The miko answered blankly.
"What kind of dwelling do you live in in your time?" He asked.
"A simple two level house."
"Do you have your own room?" He inquired.
"Yes."
"What subjects did you study during your schooling?" He asked and watched a tiny frown form on her face.
"Mathematics, history, language arts, science, health education, PE, which is physical education, computer technology, and foreign language. I picked the English language to study." The miko answered.
Sesshomaru then asked her what she had planned to do with her life before she first came through the well. He wasn't all that surprised to learn that it was something she hadn't even considered, and as time passed and her performance slipped it seemed pointless to do so.
He also learned that because of that fact and because she had felt so strongly for the half-breed she had hoped, and planned, to stay in the past and live there permanently.
The miko obviously answered all his questions, quietly and slowly, but she answered so he continued to keep her talking.
He asked what the school she went to was like. To tell him everything that came to mind from when she first started going to the establishment until she finished.
He learned that she liked going to school and learning. The building was very large, well maintained, and had a nice atmosphere to it. She didn't particularly like the uniform, which he learned was the white and green indecent outfit she used to wear, they had to wear at first but she had gotten used to it.
She liked seeing her friends and being able to socialize with them at school. She didn't like dealing with Hojo since she had wanted to think of him as a friend, but he obviously wanted more from her so it was difficult. It didn't help that she was unable to outright tell him she wasn't interested because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Aside from that she liked studying and learning, and the feeling of accomplishment when she understood something or passed a test.
He asked about the friends the miko had, and heard all about Ayumi, Eri, Yuka, and Hojo, a male that refused to understand that she wasn't interested in him. The girls had been good loyal friends aside from constantly trying to attach her to the Hojo person and wanting to know all her personal business.
They had been right to be concerned about the half-breed simply from what they learned from her. He found their description of a two timing jerk to be quite accurate. She should have listened to them, at least in that instance.
He asked her what she liked to do in her free time before she had first come to his era, and got mixed up in finding jewel shards and hunting demons.
She thoughtfully informed him that she had liked to read and exercise. She did a lot of running. Not so much in the past years. She wasn't used to running through forests and on uneven ground, and apparently she wasn't fast enough for the half-breed so she was usually carried.
He then asked her if she knew why Midoriko had visited her. Surely other miko's had found themselves in dire emotional straights. What made her so special?
Sesshomaru learned that the legendary priestess had come because of the miko's intense pain, and had informed her that she was not the formally dead priestess' reincarnation when she expressed her curiosity of why she hadn't died when the wish had been made.
That wasn't something he had considered in light of everything else happening with the miko. Then she surprised him by saying she had been told that she was actually Midoriko's reincarnation. She had only carried the other priestess' soul with her to bring it back to the past, and that was why she had a passing resemblance to her.
"I imagine you were pleased by that revelation after spending years being constantly compared to the other woman." He said as he looked at her.
"I was happy about it." Kagome acknowledged. "I'm not a copy, and I don't have to be compared to Kikyou anymore. Even if I am it won't affect me like it used to since I now know the truth." She added.
Kagome was surprised at all the questions, but they distracted her pained heart and mind so she began to welcome them. She was thinking of things she hadn't had the chance to think about in a long time, and hadn't been welcomed to talk about, but it was better than remembering what she had lost.
She had experienced a peace that had been brief yet eternal, and it had been snatched away from her. She had no longer been in pain. Not in her mind, her body, or her heart. Now it was all back since Sesshomaru revived her, and she still very much wished she wasn't.
But she was here, and her watcher was watching her even closer than before. Not that he really had to. She didn't have the energy or the will to even get up, but she knew Sesshomaru didn't know that and wouldn't accept her word even if she told him so.
So she listened to his voice to help drown out her pain as he asked her if she got along with her family, and she considered it before she answered.
"Yeah I do, but I can't deny that they've grown distant from me and me from them because of my time traveling." She answered.
"I tried for a long time to keep in touch, visit and report in as often as I could, but it got harder and harder with Him coming to drag me back before I was done visiting them or preventing me from going in the first place."
"He either made sure we were too far away from the well, argued with me that there was no time for it, or -my favorite- guilt me into putting off going to see them by telling me I had broken the jewel and I needed to fix it." She explained.
"What of your friends in this time? How do you feel about them?" He asked.
"I like Sango and Miroku. They were protective of me and supportive." She answered. "I consider Koga a friend but he's still trying to claim me. At least he does every time I see him. It's uncomfortable, and it had caused problems with Him. Not to mention it reminded me of how Hojo treated me. Although, with Koga he had known about my feelings for Him so he should've left me alone."
Sesshomaru asked Kagome a few more questions about herself, and then began asking her general questions about the future. He asked about transportation, if males and females studied in the same place, higher learning, clothing, housing, and food.
It wasn't long before Kagome was explaining other things without his asking. She told him about the government and laws, doctors and hospitals, sports and entertainment, religions and traditions, social norms and behaviors depending on age groups.
"Will you eat?" Sesshomaru asked when her stomach began to rumble.
Kagome nodded and watched as he got up and brought her some cooked boar meat. He had apparently hunted it a few days before while she was deeply asleep. Of course he wouldn't have gone had she been awake even if she had been willing to eat.
After she finished eating she talked more about the future until she began to fall asleep.
-oOoOoOo-
Kagome was asleep, a deep dreamless sleep, when she felt herself being shaken. It was light at first so she ignored it, tired after the long day the group had, but it came again, this time harder.
She groaned lightly and opened her eyes, not surprised to see Inuyasha in her view. He was the only one to wake her in the way he had. The others would have been gentler and calling her name.
Still, she was tired, sleepy, and confused and wondered what he wanted.
"Come on." Inuyasha said so she got up with a light sigh, somehow moving without waking Shippo since he was sleeping with her, and followed him tiredly.
Kagome walked slowly, still confused about what he wanted but too tired to give it any thought, and stumbled here and there, twigs and small rocks catching on her socks as they moved further from the campfire. She trusted him to keep her safe so she didn't worry, and continued to follow his red clad back.
As they walked she glanced back, stumbling for her effort, but saw that she could barely see the campfire.
"Where are we going?" She asked quietly.
"We're almost there." Was all he said.
She yawned in place of a tired sigh and kept walking. She was grateful when they finally stopped as tired as she was, not to mention her feet hurt from walking in only her socks.
How does Rin do it barefoot? She idly wondered. Probably the same way Inuyasha does. Years of practice.
She looked around but couldn't see much other than that there was nothing remarkable about the area. It looked like he had just picked a random place to stop. There were trees and a bit of a clear space between them, not enough to consider a clearing, and some grass that went up to her ankles from the feel of it.
Kagome felt hands on her shoulders and turned around only to feel another set of lips against hers as the hands moved down to her waist.
She sighed inwardly as she wrapped her arms around Inuyasha's neck, his hair tickling her hands. She couldn't believe he had woken her up, in what felt like the middle of the night, and practically marched her out there just to make out with her.
He had to know how tired she was. He should have waited for the next night or better yet the next day. She would have been all for that, but here they were under the cover of night instead of the light of day.
She was here now so she might as well enjoy his affection. She knew he could have easily gone off to see Kikyou. A small, insecure part of her wondered if he hadn't been able to find her or she wasn't in the area, so he had settled for her instead but she quickly pushed that thought from her mind.
Their kisses had started off gentle like the kisses they had shared since Inuyasha asked to court her, but now they began to get harder and his hands began to move.
She wasn't at all comfortable with it. It felt quick, like he was rushing, and there was no passion. She wasn't just tired now, she was uncomfortable, and she wanted to stop and go back to her sleeping bag and cuddle with Shippo.
We don't get to share much affection beyond occasionally holding hands, and me kissing him on the cheek when I manage to catch him off guard. Kagome reminded herself. So she decided to accept what she was getting and be happy with it, even if she had to force that happiness.
Inuyasha's hands moved up and down her sides and around to her back for a while before he moved them further down, and she began to feel his claws moving beneath the hem of her shirt.
She wasn't about to allow that. He had never tried to touch her in that way, and they certainly hadn't shared enough intimacy for her to allow him to try now. Especially with how uncomfortable she was feeling.
She moved her hands down to his to stop him, but he ignored her action and swept her hands aside and continued on. She frowned and broke their kiss which only made him move his lips to her neck. His hands were still trying to creep up higher beneath her shirt.
He needed to stop. He would respect her boundaries and if he couldn't then there didn't need to be anything between them.
"Stop." Kagome said with a huff, but he just nipped her neck with one of his fangs.
"Relax." Inuyasha said. "Just enjoy it."
Kagome frowned deeper and tried to shift away from him and his hands, but he gripped her hips and pulled her flush up against him. She blushed at what she was feeling and was getting an idea of where he was trying to take this.
She wasn't interested at all. Beyond being tired, uncomfortable, and annoyed by him, she wasn't feeling at all turned on. She wasn't exactly sure what that was supposed to feel like, but she knew she didn't feel the need to have sex with him.
"Just relax Kagome." Inuyasha said again. "You don't need to be nervous. I'll do all the work."
The next thing Kagome knew the wind was being knock out of her as her back hit the ground, and he was on top of her kissing her. Her eyes widened up at the dark sky and she shook her head to shake his lips off.
"No. Stop." She said as he moved his lips back to her neck. "I'm not nervous. I just don't want what you're doing."
The weight of him on top of her, feeling the clear evidence of his arousal, was only emphasizing that fact and sending up alarm bells in her mind.
His hands were still moving along her sides and one practically shot up to her breast before she could stop him.
"Ah!" She cried out. "No!" She said as she began to struggle harder to move his hands and get him off her, fear rising inside her.
Inuyasha ignored her words and her struggles. Not being fazed at all by any of it. His weight and strength made it seem like she wasn't doing anything to him.
What was wrong with him? Couldn't he smell her fear, sense her discomfort, didn't he believe a word she said? Why wouldn't he stop?!
"Stop!" Kagome tried again. "Please! Get off. I don't want what you want!"
"Why not?" She heard him ask in a low tone. "You love me, and always wanna please me. Well, I wanna be pleased. Right now!" He stated before he began to suck at her neck. He then squeeze her breast, so hard it hurt, as he began to grind himself against her.
Kagome's eyes widened and tears began to trail from the corners of her eyes as she continued her struggles, her mind frantic to figure out how to get him off her.
She finally decided the only thing she could do was use her reiki. Although she didn't have much faith in that method since she could never call it up outside of her arrows.
Still, it was her only option so she tried. Miraculously it work. Her reiki swarmed to her hands and blasted him off her as it had long ago with the first demon she had ever encountered.
She immediately rolled over and got to her feet and began to run, but it was only moments before she was harshly pushed forward and found herself pressed face first against a tree. She struggled as she felt him press against her back, his breath against her neck, keeping her between him and the tree.
"Why'd you attack me?" He growled at her.
"Please, let me go!" She pleaded. "I don't want to do anything with you!"
"You didn't have to attack me! If I wasn't a half demon you could've purified me." He snarled and then huffed slightly. "You need to stop worrying so much, and just enjoy what I'm gonna do to you. You'll thank me when we're finished."
Kagome panicked at his words, wondering if Inuyasha had lost his mind. She couldn't believe what was happening. He was going to rape her. The half demon she loved was going to rape her.
He moved away from her back but before she could take the chance and run he pressed a clawed hand against her upper back, keeping her pressed against the tree, then wrapped his free arm around her waist and pulled her hips back so she was bent forward against the tree.
"No!" She cried out. "Please stop!" She pleaded, feeling completely vulnerable in the position.
She felt him move his arm from her waist and his hand began to paw at her thighs before he moved his hand between her thighs. He cupped her, gripping her so hard that her feet left the ground, as he hummed her butt and ground himself against her.
"You'll like it once I really get started." He said in a low growling tone.
Kagome cried as she reached her arms back and beat at any part of him that she could reach with her hands. Her self-defense didn't affect him at all and she felt him move his hips and hand away from her for a few moments, his other hand still keeping her locked against the tree.
Before she could even form a thought she felt his hand return and begin to pull at her pajama bottoms and underwear.
"No!" She screamed and struggled harder, but he was still able to lower them, exposing her to the air and trapping her legs in her clothes.
Her heartbeat kicked into high gear as he moved back to her and she tensed as she felt heated skin as he pressed himself against her. She finally began to scream into the night, her frantic mind barely wondering why she hadn't done it earlier, as she struggled and shifted her hips sideways away from him.
He gripped her hip, his claws cutting into her skin, and moved her back to her original bent position and held her there. She screamed more, her face wet with tears, as she felt a hot hardness suddenly pressed against her.
She squeezed her eyes shut in devastation as she continued to scream herself raw, her mind calling for help. Suddenly she felt her reiki flare and a bright light flashed around her, removing Inuyasha from her.
"Sit!" She screamed, not knowing where he was as she struggled to pull her clothes back in place.
"Sit!" She screamed again as she ran for the barely there light in the distance that was the camp fire.
Kagome tripped over tree roots and bushes, and slammed off of trees as she ran full out, calling out the subjugation every few breaths.
When she made it back to camp she stopped so quickly she fell forward. When she sat up she found everyone still asleep, and realized hysterically that they hadn't heard her screaming.
-oOoOoOo-
Kagome woke from her latest memory dream sitting up with a gasp, blinking in the soft early morning light and looking around wildly for her attacker. Once she was sure He was nowhere around, helped along by setting eyes on Sesshomaru and instantly feeling his aura wash over her, she fell back on her bedding and allowed herself to relax.
Despite having experienced these dreams over the past few weeks they still had the ability to frighten her because they were actual memories and not dreams, and she was experiencing them as if they were happening in that moment instead of being remembered.
She still couldn't believe what He had tried to do to her. It was crazy. She never would have thought him capable of trying something so despicable, but clearly he had on more than one occasion.
Was it just me he tried this with or other females? She wondered but then reconsidered that thought and figured of course it was just her. He had Kikyou to be with and thought he had her as well, so he wouldn't have needed other females.
Kikyou obviously hadn't refused him, but why would she? Her body had been made of clay and dirt, and she had been dead.
And of course he only wanted me when Kikyou was unavailable or when he wanted a warm body instead of a corpse. He thought I would be all for it because I loved him and wanted to be with him. She thought morosely.
And it had happened so many times! He kept trying even with her refusals and fighting back. He had attacked her, lost control, been knocked out, and he still tried repeatedly!
Was it because he found the next day she acted like the incident had never happened and saw no evidence of it? Because she definitely would have taken notice of bruises and claw marks even if she didn't remember the attack.
Why didn't I ever remember these incidents? How could I just go on around him like nothing ever happened? She wondered but it wasn't long before she realized it was either her power or the jewel shards that kept her from remembering, most likely so she could function.
"I think it was either my reiki or the jewel shards that prevented me from remembering what He tried to do." Kagome said to Sesshomaru as she looked over to him.
"In that case, it was most likely the jewel shards since you began remembering after the jewel was gone." He stated.
Kagome nodded and looked away, agreeing with that since it made the most sense.
Still, she couldn't stop herself from realizing that even with the returning memories, the knowledge that He had tried to rape her repeatedly, she still loved him and it still hurt that he had treated her the way he did.
And she hated it! She hated the pain, she hated the memories, and she hated the fear. She hated feeling anything! She wanted it to stop!
Sesshomaru watched as tears slipped from the miko's eyes then more as she closed them. The scent of fear lingered on her from her dream, but sadness and misery were quickly replacing it.
He had had a chance to go over everything he had learned from their talk the previous evening, and had come to the conclusion that she needed to talk about what the half-breed had done to her through the years, especially with her memories of his attacks returning to her.
He readily admitted, if only to himself, he was uncomfortable with it, but he knew she needed to express her feelings. So he stood and moved toward her and sat in the same place he had the night before.
"You need to talk about your feelings and thoughts on the half-breed." He told her outright, and watched as she opened her eyes and gave him a look that clearly spoke of her reluctance.
"Why?" She asked in a sad whispery tone.
"Ignoring them is not helping you get better." He stated bluntly. "Not dealing with them is allowing the half-breed to have control of you. You need to remember that he is still out there, and I believe the half-breed is not done with you despite having the other priestess."
"The whelp is too used to thinking of you as his, and is most likely waiting for you to come back to him or is actively looking for you. What will happen should you see him again? Will you let him see you as you are now or show him that he no longer has any power over you?"
Kagome sighed lightly at his words and looked away. He was right. She had discovered over the past few weeks that she barely knew Him at all, but she did know that he did think of her as his and was probably out there looking for her.
She didn't want to deal with her feelings nor see him or deal with him, but she didn't want him to think he could still have an effect on her. She didn't care about much of anything at the moment, but that was one thing she decided she would care about. He would never see what he had done to her.
She looked back to Sesshomaru and nodded to him, and watched him nod in return.
"What do you currently feel toward the half-breed?" He asked calmly.
"Hurt, love, anger, fear, and hate." She answered and before she knew it her words started flowing and she couldn't stop.
"I can't understand why he lied to me about wanting to court me and spend his life with me. Why he couldn't just make it clear he wanted Kikyou and leave me alone! Before all this madness started, when Kikyou had first been brought back to life, he tried to scare away any guy that came along and showed an interest in me. It was like he was staking a claim, but he never really did anything about it."
"I wonder if he would've acted the same way if I'd never shown an interest in him. Would he have still tried to scare away the guys, telling them that I wasn't theirs in a way that made it seem like I was his?" She wondered with a frown.
"But none of that happened! He spent years keeping me in a love triangle, going back and forth between me and Kikyou. Continued to run away any male that showed an interest in me. Giving me attention, affection, and being nice when I was close to giving up so I was drawn back in." She nearly cried out.
"Some of the half-breeds behavior can be due to instincts in response to his pack. Your pack was not traditional, consisting of a half demon, three humans, and a kitsune child, but he may have still seen your group as his pack. He would have also seen himself as alpha." Sesshomaru said.
"Those things would have driven him to protect and guard the females of the pack. He could have been directing those instincts toward you. Either in response to your unfamiliarity with this time or because of your feelings for him. Especially since none of those males approached him for permission to court you as would be the case in a traditional pack." He explained.
"I am not making excuses for the disgrace, but it is a possibility. Especially since it would have all been instinctive since he did not learn any of that behavior in his youth. He would have been confused as to why he had done it, especially if you expressed your displeasure at his actions."
"However, instinct can only get one so far, and the half-breed obviously chose to act the way he did after the first time." He stated. "Did the half-breed ever treat the other priestess the way he treated you?" He asked.
"No." Kagome answered instantly. "He always called her by her name, never degraded her, and never tried to tell her what she could and couldn't do. He never would have treated Kikyou the way he treated me."
"I don't know why He treated me so badly." She said as tears began to trail from her eyes. "I was always nice to him. I loved him! I got him friends, built his pack! I shared my family with him. I always made sure he was fed and never hungry, took care of his wounds, always protected him when he needed it, and stood up for him when others tried to disrespect him or degrade him."
"I stayed with him and protected him during his human nights, and yet he had no problem treating me like I was beneath him. I don't understand it! Why did he chose her over me?" She asked as she cried. "This is the woman who wanted him to become human, who didn't love him enough to accept him the way he was born. The same woman who didn't love him enough not to be tricked into betraying him, the same woman who tried to kill him numerous times after she had been brought back to life."
"The half-breed most likely did appreciate everything you did for him, which is probably one of the reasons he would not let you go. He most likely intended to keep both of you." Sesshomaru pointed out.
"He wanted the other female to be his mate, but he also liked the way you treated him so he presumed to have you both. He probably thought nothing of it since everyone believed you two to be of the same soul. He most likely figured you two were the same person so why could he not have both, especially since you both wanted him." He added.
"I must have given him the impression that he could have both of us, that I would accept sharing him." Kagome said sadly. "The sad thing is, I don't know if I would've denied him."
"What's wrong with me?!" She said as she cried harder. "What kind of woman have I become?! I'm pathetic! I can't even measure up to a dead woman!"
Sesshomaru rested his hand on her head, offering her that bit of comfort, and let her cry since he knew letting out her pain was a good thing.
"You became someone who has lost most of her self-worth, and a sense of who she is. It is no mark against you. It is because you developed an attachment to the wrong person." He said quietly.
"A person who did not respect you, who is selfish, who had no problem leading you on, and giving you false hope. You need to begin moving pass your attachment to the half-breed and find yourself again." He told her as he stared down at her.
He listened as she continued to cry but he could tell by the thoughtful look on her tearful face that she had heard him. He sincerely hoped she would begin healing now.
-oOoOoOo-
As the days passed Kagome and Sesshomaru began to settle into a routine. Kagome was eating again and Sesshomaru got her up and running short distances. He wanted to begin getting her in shape and hoped she would remember her enjoyment of the action, and start to feel better about herself when she achieved the distances he set for her.
In addition to that he began teaching her how to throw her long daggers, and fight with her hands and feet. He also continued to get her talking about her thoughts and feelings, slowly helping her come to terms with what the half-breed tried to do to her.
As Kagome regained her physical strength and continued to learn how to use her weapons she thought on the conversations she had with Sesshomaru. Hearing her thoughts and opinions out loud allowed her to better understand what happened to her.
She still loved Him but those feelings were beginning to fade, especially as she remembered more and more of what he tried to do to her, and her hate for him began to grow.