Hey! There is conversation about miscarriage so here is the warning. It took me a while to get started on this chapter but I done it, for you guys! It's currently 1am here in England and I refuse to sleep until I get this in. I just wanted to thank you all for the reviews, favourites and follows. It really means a lot!
"Battling a hyper Sof - spare key is in old place..' Arizona read the text from her ex wife as she started her car. Today was the day her and Callie would take their little girl to her first day at kindergarten. She couldn't believe how fast time was going, it only felt like yesterday they were bringing home their little baby.
Arizona made her way down the familiar route towards her old home. Living with DeLuca was defiantly something different, adjusting to living with a man took longer than she imagined. The last man she ever shared a living space with was Tim. Regardless to some obvious differences with living with DeLuca and not her brother, Arizona had to quickly adapt to coming across lone pair of men's boxers on the bathroom floor. It was a distance away from the familiar sight of women's bras or thongs that she was used too.
Walking round the back of the house to the patio, Arizona bent down and reached to lift up a purple flower pot. The flowerpot had been a joke wedding present from Mark, he knew Callie could never keep a plant alive. The amount of times Mark would go over to Callie's apartment and find wilted plants everywhere. So at their wedding Mark had presented Callie with the purple flower pot which housed a fake sunflower, he still joked that she would find a way to kill it. "Thanks Mark" Arizona whispered as she retrieved the key from the floor.
This whole routine of getting the key and unlocking the door felt too familiar for Arizona, it was as if nothing happened. To an outside, it just looked like a woman coming home to her family.
Entering the house Arizona was met but the loud sound of music, it wasn't Callie genre of music so she knew it had to be coming from her daughter's room. Sofia had always had an obsession with pop songs, for Arizona it was a step back from the Disney songs she and Sofia would play at high volumes.
"A dance party in the morning?!" Arizona laughed as she walked into the little girls room.
Sofia was jumping up and down on her bed while singing along to the music that was playing from her little stereo. The sound of her mothers voice startled Sofia who stopped bouncing. Her face beamed with excitement as she waited for her mother to come closer.
As soon as Arizona was in arms reach, Sofia launched herself from her bed into her mothers awaiting arms. Arizona stumbled back as she gained a stable balance with the additional weight of Sofia. Arizona laughed as Sofia held her head in both her little hands. "You caught me momma!"
Continuing with the beat of the music, Arizona spun around with Sofia. The duo belted their voices to the lyrics of the song. As they spun around on the last beat, they noticed that they had gained an audience member.
Callie was propped against the door frame as she watched Arizona and Sofia dance around in circles. "Is this party only for two?"
Sofia held one of her hands out towards her other mother "Mami dance too!" Callie danced her way over to her daughter. Callie took to dancing around the duo making sure she held Sofia's hand to include her in the dancing. Every now and then Arizona would slyly tickle Sofia's stomach which elicited a wave of laughter. After the second song Arizona began to feel the pressure of Sofia's weight against her leg. Placing the girl on the floor, Arizona told her to go and fetch hair supplies.
"She didn't hurt your leg did she?" Callie asked, she was always concerned when Arizona put extra weight on her leg.
"I just forget I can't jump with the extra weight, but it's nothing to worry about."
Sofia can hurdling into the room with a hair brush and two bands. "Momma it's time for braids!"
"You braid her hair and I'll grab her backpack, I'll do coffee's to go as well."
Arizona mouthed a thank you as she began to part her daughter's hair.
..
Callie and Arizona stood outside the classroom that would educate their daughter for the next year. Sofia's parents had spent many months visiting kindergartens around Seattle, they wanted her to have the best first start to her education. The kindergarten they had eventually chosen was close to both their houses as well as the hospital. A bonus factor was it was chosen by the majority of surgeons with children, so Sofia already knew some of the children from her day care visits.
Callie crouched down in front of her daughter as she fussed with the neatness of Sofia's appearance. "Me and Momma will be right here when school is finished okay?"
Sofia nodded as she tightened her hold on her backpack. "You promise Mami?"
Arizona had copied her ex wife's actions and crouched down in front of Sofia. "We pinky promise bug!" She held out her little finger which was grabbed by Sofia's little finger. The little brunette smiled, pinky promises was something her and her mother's took seriously.
"You know me and Momma don't break pinky promises." Callie reassured Sofia who nodded furiously.
The sound of the bell rang throughout the school grounds signifying that class was about to start. Both mothers kissed Sofia as she made her way inside her classroom door.
"Have fun Bug!" "Good luck baby."
The littlest Torres turned around at the door and waved back to her mothers before running along to follow the group of children. Arizona stood watching her little girl run care free with the rest of her group. The smile painted on her face could not be broken, the pride she felt was something so special. Just by the first expression, Arizona knew Sofia would adapt to this surrounding without any trouble. They told her it was just like daycare just with children her age.
Arizona was brought out of her thoughts by the sound of Callie sniffing. Callie's face painted the picture of a typical emotional mother who watched their child leave home. "Hey Cal, Sofia is going to be okay." Bringing Callie closer, Arizona placed an arm round her waist for comfort.
"When did our baby grow up so fast?"
"She's always been grown up."
Resting her head against her ex wife's shoulder, Callie continued to watch the door her daughter ran through just moments ago. She cried for her daughter growing up to fast but she also cried for the sense of peace she felt being with Arizona.
"Sof knows it's like day care, there is no doubt in my mind that she'll be controlling all the little children in her class." This comment made Callie laugh, it was known to everyone that Sofia had inherited the Torres fiery gene.
The women began to walk back towards the car. "Do you have any surgeries today?" Callie asked as she got into the drivers side.
"No surgeries but I have to check on a few patients, you?"
"Just a few consult meetings, I made sure I didn't schedule any for today." The women shared a nod with each other before setting off back towards Grey Sloan.
Arizona stayed quiet during the ride back to the hospital, the moment she got in the car she was overcome with emotion. She thought to herself how saying goodbye to Sofia would have different if they hadn't miscarried. Sofia would have had photos with her little brother or sister instead of just by herself. She would have stood with Callie holding their baby as they waved off their oldest child, she would have held a little chubby hand in hers making a waving motion. Her thoughts moved swiftly from Sofia's first day to general life. Would she and Callie had made it with another child? The pain of losing their child never left Arizona, she had only told Callie a mere proportion of the pain she felt. As she noticed Grey Sloan in the distance, Arizona wiped the stray tear that had fallen from her eyes.
Getting out of the car first, Arizona began to walk towards the hospital. Callie had locked the car quickly and jogged to catch up with the peds surgeon. She had felt a vibe of Arizona during the journey, she had briefly looked at her at various moments and noticed the pained look on her face. It was the same face she bares each anniversary of her brother's death. It was the same face she had when Callie served her the divorce papers.
"We still on for ice-cream after we get Sofia?" Arizona asked, quietly. She made her way towards the elevator.
"Sofia thinks we're going for ice-cream, so we're going for ice-cream."
Callie stepped forward as she watched Arizona get into the elevator. She went to say something but stopped herself. Calling her ex wife out in the middle of the hospital for crying was something she didn't have the heart to do. She had come a long way from calling her wife out for her mistakes in a public place.
…
Sofia was sat in front of her mother's shovelling down her ice-cream sundae, the moment she set sight on her mother's outside her classroom she regurgitated everything that had happened during her first day. She told them how she learned the alphabet but could only remember the first seven when she tried to recite it. She told them how she had beaten Daniel at a race during recess.
"Bug why don't you go play for a little while before we go home?" Arizona smiled at her daughter as she moved away the half empty sundae glass.
Sofia didn't object, she jumped down from her seat and headed in the direction of the soft play area. She heard her mami speak before she reached the steps "Sofia just stay where we can see you please!"
Callie watched Arizona push her ice-cream from one side of the glass to the other. She could tell her ex wife's focus wasn't with this moment. "Is everything okay with you?"
Arizona sat back and stared at her ex wife. "Yeah why you asking?"
"I saw your face when we were in the car this morning."
"Oh." Arizona gulped, she had hoped Callie hadn't noticed her momentary lapse.
She glanced towards the soft area and spotted Sofia at the top of the jungle gym, Sofia noticed her moms look at her. Waving forcefully Sofia smiled before running off with a girl she had quickly befriended. Turning her attention back to her and her ex wife, Arizona tried to avert her gaze from Callie's.
"Do you ever wonder how different our life would be if I hadn't miscarried?"
Unbeknown to Arizona, Callie had thought about this many times. She thought about it every time she put Sofia down for bed. She thought about it whenever she saw Sofia play with younger children at daycare.
"All the time." Callie admitted.
"You do?!" Arizona was shocked, she didn't know why she was surprised as Callie had brought up trying again not long after they had miscarried.
"Don't act too surprised." Callie defensively spoke as she let back against the chair.
"Callie come on, don't be like that. You hardly spoke about the miscarriage after it happened." Arizona snapped, this is how every conversation went after it happened. One of them would get defensive while the other would lose their patience.
Callie held her hands up at the tone of her voice. "I didn't want to talk about it because I knew how much you were hurting."
"I was hurting so much and all I wanted was to know that I wasn't the only one feeling it."
The two women sat next to each other in silence. Callie didn't know how to approach the next stage of the conversation. She had watched Arizona go through each stage of grief after the miscarriage. Arizona had briefly gone through denial in the first week but heavily stayed in the stage of anger and depression. The anger was a regular emotion in the household, Arizona would get angry in almost every conversation that her and Callie had. They had only a handful of arguments but Callie could spot one arising and would instantly end it. Unless the conversation was about Sofia, Arizona would also end it as quickly as she could and leave the room. For Callie it felt like they had gone back ten steps, it transported her back to the angry household they were in after the plane crash.
"I just assumed that you didn't want to talk about it, you were just so angry all the time."
"That was half the problem Cal, you just assumed what I was feeling. Your feelings were always more important, whatever you felt was how I had to feel. I was completely broken and needed you, but because you were coping I had to pretend I was too."
Callie sighed as she turned her chair to face Arizona, she could see how tense the blonde's jaw was. Seeing Arizona like this, so broken. She knew she was in the wrong for not helping Arizona more during the miscarriage. She couldn't help but feel so defeated at their situation. After surviving their countless arguments after the plane crash and the amputation, Callie she knew personally wouldn't have survived round two of Callie vs Arizona.
"I guess I didn't think, you had only just forgiven me for making the call about your leg. If we had argued any more Arizona, we would have gone back to were we started."
"It always comes back to the leg eh?!" Arizona sarcastically spoke, she looked up at Callie and gently smiled. She had always wanted to copy the famous quote her wife spoke almost all the time in an argument.
"I see what you did there Robbins!" Callie laughed, she reached out for Arizona's hand as she linked them together. "Why didn't you tell me how you felt?"
"I told you on a few occasions but why couldn't you spot that I was having trouble talking about it? I needed my wife."
"I'm sorry you felt alone, in all honesty I didn't know how to approach it. I felt hopeless, so I let you ride it out however you wanted and just held you at night. "
"I felt so dead inside Cal, whenever I looked at you and Sofia I wanted to tear my insides out. You managed to give birth to your baby. I couldn't keep mine safe, you didn't fail like I did."
"Ari." Callie watched the blonde's face try to conceal the tears that were tittering on the edge of falling. She didn't take offence to Arizona calling Sofia hers, she understood where her ex wife was coming from.
"The most frightening thing was I felt slightly relieved. What mother feels relieved after a miscarriage?"
Quickly gazing to the play area, Callie spotted Sofia playing with her new friend. Reaching for a tissue on the table she gave it to Arizona. "Why did you feel relieved?"
"We both know I never wanted children, I wouldn't change Sofia for the world. I love her, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. You have to believe me when I say that Calliope but what if I had resented this baby as soon as I gave birth? I couldn't bare to feel anything that wasn't love but if I did? I would have failed our baby."
"Arizona Robbins you would have not failed our child, you haven't failed anyone. You could have turned your back on me when I told you I was pregnant. You loathed Mark, you didn't have to take on his child but you did. You have given our little girl everything in life, whatever she wants you do your best to make sure she has it. When you drop her home every weekend, she doesn't stop talking about you for hours on end. You would have loved that baby just as much as you love your little bug over there."
"You think?"
"I don't think, I know."
Arizona couldn't conceal the tears any longer, the tears freely ran as her shoulders began to shake. Without hesitating Callie pulled her ex wife into her arms, Arizona clung to her familiar arms that embraced her. "I'm so sorry." Callie whispered into the heap of blonde hair that covered her face.
They remained in each others arms for a while, Arizona slowly calmed herself down but refused to move out of Callie's arms. It been a while since she felt the strong arms holding her. Callie's hold on her always made her feel safe, all her problems and worries would go as soon as she got into Callie's grasp.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, I was the one that failed. I wasn't the wife you deserved."
Pulling back Arizona looked deeply at Callie. Her ex wife still had the sparkle in her eye, even during this conversation there was that sparkle. She loved looking into Callie's eyes, she would often tell everyone that looking in Callie's eyes was like looking at the universe. She couldn't understand how someone eyes could hold so much beauty yet so much mystery to the outside world. She had been lucky enough to explore the meaning behind every emotion that Callie's eyed had ever show.
"Are we still talking about the miscarriage?" Arizona asked as she released the breath she had been holding onto.
"Well yeah but-" Callie's reply was cut short but the sound of her pager going off inside her bag. Rolling her eyes she reached in to retrieved. In that moment Arizona's page went off almost simultaneously.
"I guess being a surgeon has brought us back to the present day." Arizona joked as they began to stand up from the table. "You go to the car and I'll get little miss Sofia."
Getting Sofia off the play area and in the car took longer than Arizona liked, Sofia had been reluctant to leave her new friend, who she had only known for half an hour but seemed to think they were the best of friends.
"Sofia you're going to have to go to day care for a while." Callie told her daughter as she watched her get strapped into the car.
"I don't want to!" Sofia whined as she threw her arms in the air.
"I've phone Abigail to come and get you, but you'll have to stay in day care for an hour or two. She'll take you back home while Momma and I are working."
Sofia didn't seem to like this plan, her face scrunched it self up before she unloaded a whole stream of tears. Her mothers gave each other a look before looking back at the road. "It's going to be a long night." Arizona sighed as she reached into the back to put her hand her daughters leg.