It felt like Katie had physically punched me in the gut.
It had been a long time since I experienced a similar feeling, recalling in my head that the last time was probably when Emily said we were finished and walked out on me. It wasn't nice revisiting it. My stomach clenched and tightly twisted as she pushed back her chair and walked off, visibly happy with the bombshell she had just dropped on me. It was typical Katie and it reminded me of times way before I got with Emily properly. She was always warning me off, doing anything possible to keep me away. It didn't work then. As I watched her disappear into the crowded beach, I decided I'd do the one thing I've always been good at.
I ran.
I ran as fast as I probably ever have, leaving Zoe behind. I arrived back at my Mum's apartment a few minutes later, out of breath and gasping for air. I was relieved to see the car in the driveway gone, remembering that both my Mum and Keiran had plans for this afternoon and even more relieved when I found a half empty bottle of Keiran's Irish whiskey on the kitchen counter. I helped myself, pouring a single measure just as my friend appeared in the doorway.
"Little warning next time you decide to take off like that yeah?" She smiles gently, leaning on the doorframe as I knock back the shot of alcohol I'd helped myself to. It burned my throat. "Running around Cyprus after you in a bikini wasn't on my high list of priorities today you know,"
"Sorry," I say immediately, realising it was a bit stupid of me to run off and leave her in a place she wasn't familiar with. "I didn't know what else to do, I was torn between punching that stupid smug grin off her face or running & hell, I've always been good at running away,"
"You alright?" She properly enters the room, taking a seat next to me at the breakfast bar. I shrug at first, peeling the label off the whiskey bottle until she takes it from me. "This stuff isn't going to change anything,"
"It makes me forget," I finish off what was in the glass and place it down on the table, running my hands through my hair. I really wish I could forget. Properly.
"Yeah maybe, for a while," she adds in the gentle comforting tone I've been used to ever since I've known her. She's firmly turned into my shoulder to cry on and this was turning out to be just another one of those times. "Then it'll wear off, you'll wake up and things will just be the same as they are now. You'll still be here, Emily will still have had a baby. You can't change what's already happened, Naoms."
"I wish you could,"
"But you can't. It's been a really long time since you and Emily,"
"I know that," the harsh tone in my voice instantly softens when I realise there's no point taking anything out on anyone else, least of all the one person who's never once left my side ever since she appeared. "It's not as if I expected her to stay on her own forever, I mean, I just, a baby, a family?"
"Hey, she's had a kid, you don't know anything else,"
"I know she's moved on, properly moved on," I swallow the lump in my throat, telling myself not to let the barriers drop completely, no matter how much I wanted to. "Look at me, Zo. I haven't changed at all in six years. I still live in Bristol, I have the same daily routine week in, week out. I've got no relationship, a job I can't stand half the time, a handful of friends and she's went and had a baby,"
"Do you always do that?"
"Do what?" I frown.
"Compare yourself to Emily?" She asks, I shrug my shoulders. "All this, it's just you torturing yourself, you know that don't you? Your sitting here making assumptions and probably all the wrong ones too,"
"Torturing myself?"
"You going to deny it?"
"No," there would be no point, even I'm not that good at lying.
"You aren't over her," she says simply, I open my mouth to reply but she continues before I can form anything. "I knew it from the beginning. It doesn't take a genius to work it out and Cook talks,"
"Cook?"
"He worries about you," she says seriously. "He thought Lucy was as right for you as I did, nothing like Emily he said,"
"Spend cosy nights in talking about me did you?"
"No, of course not. It wasn't like that,"
"Lucy wasn't Em," I almost laugh at how stupid it is to even attempt to compare the two. They couldn't of been more different. "She wasn't even close and for a time, I thought I could convince myself that that's what I wanted,"
"And now?"
"I've never been over Emily," for the first time, I allow myself to admit it and the barriers I was trying so hard to keep up, faltered. "I don't think there will ever be a time where I'll be over her. I love that girl more than I've ever loved anything my whole life. I fucked up, I lost her and I have to live with that,"
"You have been," she answers reaching over the table to give my hand a gentle squeeze. "Reach out to her, Naoms, ask Katie for a number,"
"Are you shitting me?" I couldn't hold in the little laugh that escaped me. "Trust me, Katie would rather gouge her eyes out than ever let me near Emily again,"
"You don't know that,"
"You don't know Katie,"
"No but I know you. I know this is going to drive you mad for the next two weeks we're here and it'll continue when we get back to Bristol too," I attempted to cut her off with a response but she continued before I could find the words. "No offence but I can't really be dealing with you moping about the flat with a face like a slapped arse,"
"Jesus, thanks," I roll my eyes, unable to hide my lips curving into the smallest of smiles. She always did that, made me smile somehow or other.
"Meant in the nicest way possible. I'm no expert but I've known you long enough to know you'll regret this if you don't at least try,"
"Don't you ever get tired of being right all the time?" I cock my eyebrow, she laughed, shaking her head. "I overheard Katie mention some apartment earlier, I'll go tomorrow,"
"Tomorrow?"
"Yes, tomorrow," I replied, sliding off the stool I'd been sitting on. "I promise,"
It was gone 8pm and I was finally ready to head out to experience some of the Cyprus nightlife with Zoe, whenever she would hurry her arse along and be ready that is. I'd been waiting out on the balcony, overlooking some of the waterfront for half an hour. The lights from the clubs in the distance had started to flicker across the water. Pretty soon I'd hear the faint thump of music too but for now it was quite peaceful. I slip a cigarette out from my packet and light it.
My peace and quiet didn't last very long which was probably a good thing because it meant I didn't sit here, thinking of nothing but Emily.
"Oh here you are," I heard the sliding doors open and saw my Mum appear from inside. She closed over the glass door and took up the chair next to me. "Thought you'd already be out by now,"
"Just waiting on Zoe, she always takes forever to get ready," taking a quick drag of my cigarette, I smile at the 'you still haven't quit' look I'm receiving. "How was your day then?"
"Oh you know, can't complain," she grinned back at me, showing off some bracelet Keiran treated her to when they were out. It really was nice to see they were both so happy. More than anyone, they both deserved all they have. "So, what about your day?"
"It was eventful," I stuttered, quickly deciding I'd say nothing about my encounter with Katie. I knew if she got the slightest hint about me possibly getting in touch with Emily again, I'd never hear the end of it. She'd mean well, of course she would. My Mum always supported us and there's no doubting she loved Emily dearly but there was no need in getting her excited over what could turn out to be nothing. So I changed the subject quickly. "Great to see some sun though, you almost forget what that's like back home,"
"One thing I definitely don't miss, the shitty Bristol weather," she laughed, I did too, flicking the end of my cigarette before smoking some more. "I do miss you though. How've things been back home? Minus the Lucy thing of course,"
"Things have been fine, I'm over the whole Lucy thing," I stubbed the remainder of my cigarette out in the tray. "Got a taste of my own medicine didn't I? I cheated, fucked up my relationship and lost the best thing that ever happened to me then, few years down the line, I get to feel not even half of how I made Emily feel. Karma and all that,"
"You shouldn't keep punishing yourself love," she whispered, I looked away, focusing out towards the beach. "You know you're more than welcome to stay here, don't you?"
"Thanks," I turned back to her, forcing a smile as I did so. I'd heard that offer twice today but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice to feel wanted. "Maybe one day, yeah? Probably when you and Keiran are old and need looking after,"
"Charming,"
"You know I'm joking. I wouldn't want to leave Zoe or Cook, oh and before I forget, he says hi by the way,"
"Do miss the little fucker too, hope he's keeping himself out of trouble,"
"You know Cook," I chuckle. I wasn't sure if it was possible for Cook to behave himself for any decent length of time. "No really, he's doing great."
"So where you going tonight?"
"Zoe said she spotted some club this morning when she was with you, we'll try there and maybe a few others," I stopped for a moment, the balcony door sliding open to reveal my fully dressed, ready for partying best friend. She did look good, I'll give her that but having spent the best part of two hours getting ready, I'd of expected nothing less. "Jesus, thank god! You do know you take fucking ages to get ready?"
"Can't rush perfection, Naomikins," she winked, I swear one day I'll kill her for calling me that. "Aren't you going to go get ready?"
"Eh I am fucking ready, I've been ready for an hour,"
"I was joking," she laughed, placing her hand on my shoulder, even my Mum chuckled. "You look beautiful. So, we ready to go?"
"Do you want me to give you girls a lift?"
"No thanks," I politely declined, knowing from earlier that Keiran had planned some cosy night in, drinking wine and more than likely chatting about a whole heap of bollocks. I pushed myself back from the table, turning to Zoe. "Did you call a taxi?"
"It's outside,"
"Then let's go see what Cyprus nightlife has to offer,"