"Thought you'd be running half way across Cyprus by now, booking a flight back to England," Emily mutters, switching her brown eyed glare from me back to the computer screen in front of her. A soft smile tugged at my mouth, despite her obvious annoyance. She still knew me better than most. Even if it were flaws of mine I wasn't particularly proud of. I heard her tap away on the keyboard momentarily before she paused. "Do you make a habit of loitering in doorways?"
"No," I answer, unable to shift my feet from the position they were in. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to stay so,"
"Well, I didn't," she adds, swivelling her chair out from under her desk. "You came back for a reason though, I sort of want to hear it,"
"Okay," I nod. That's a start.
"Well?"
"I don't want to add to my ever growing list of regrets," I don't of course but the main reason I'm here and not running is because Zoe basically forced me and I don't think 'because my friend told me to' is what Emily wants to hear right now. Nor should she. "That and I'm really sorry for what I said,"
"What part?"
"Pretty much all of it," I offer an apologetic smile, one which she seems to accept because she signals towards the leather seats for me to sit down. I feel comfortable enough to do so and perch myself on the edge. "I'm maybe six years older but I'm still the expert at fucking things up,"
"You haven't changed then?"
"I dunno, maybe I haven't," I shrug, my glare catching sight of the photographs which sit proudly on her desk. I can see them more clearly now. There's a recent Fitch family photo and the one I noticed earlier. Olivia pulling the cheekiest face whilst at the beach. I hadn't noticed before but she looks so much like a Emily. Definitely a Fitch. The better side of course. I pull my glare away and put all my focus and attention back on my still favourite red head. "Have you?"
"I sort of had to," she replies, switching off her computer screen. "I was a mess when I left, I had to sort myself out. I wouldn't be here now if I didn't," I refuse to meet her glare, instantly feeling weighed down with guilt. I don't see her get up off her chair, I don't even see her move towards me until she's right there, placing a picture frame in my hands. I look down and see the picture of Olivia staring back at me. "That's twice I've caught you staring at this,"
"So," I attempt to clear my throat. "You've had a baby?"
"It would seem so," she laughs gently, sitting herself down next to me. "Just before I moved here,"
"But I thought you were,"
"What, as gay as a window?" She smiles at me and I really wish she wouldn't because it flips my stomach back and forth. "I am. Olivia's Dad, he isn't around. It was one night out and I was ridiculously off my face,"
"Oh," is all I manage.
"I was still hurting over you,"
"I'm sorry,"
"You've said," she sighs gently and takes the picture frame from me. Her face breaks into a proper warm loving smile as she looks down on it, tracing her finger over the glass. "She's easily the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's just me and her, against the world,"
"You aren't with anyone?" I blurt out, mentally kicking myself straight afterwards for doing so.
"No," her head shakes and she trails off for a few seconds before looking back at me. "There's been a few but nothing I've ever felt completely right about. Once they find out about Olivia they tend to run a mile, that and I've got some issues with trust you know?"
"Yeah," I mutter quietly, knowing it was another jab in my direction. A deserved one.
"So, what about you?" She brightens up suddenly. "Has there been anyone?"
"One. She cheated," I see her mouth drop from the corner of my eye, I fix on a smile and continue. "Kinda ironic right? I mean, I got what I deserved,"
"No one deserves to feel like that, it's horrible," she says softly, anyone else would probably revel in the fact that an ex got a bitter taste of their own medicine but not Emily. She's better than that. "Were you two serious together?"
"Not really," I murmur. "A small part of me thought we could of been but Cook had his suspicions and turns out as much as she liked me, she liked her ex boyfriend a lot more,"
"That's shit,"
"Yeah, it was for a bit,"
Emily pushes herself from the office sofa and reaches into one of the drawers of her filing cabinets. She pulls out an opened bottle of vodka and grabs two glasses from the side. I decline the offer of another drink but somehow end up with a glass in my hand a few seconds later.
"Why did you do it?" Emily's question breaks the silence that had filtered between us for a few brief moments. I furrowed my brow and took a mouthful from my glass when she continued. "Sleep with that girl,"
"Scared," I offer as an answer, a pretty pathetic one at that. The way that Emily is looking at me, I can tell she expected no less than that pitiful response. I sigh. The least she deserves is some sort of explanation. "I let you grab this hold of us and it scared the fucking shit out of me,"
"So much that you fucked someone else?"
"I know it makes no sense,"
"Not really," she shrugs, her voice quieter than before. "I guess over time I just convinced myself that something was wrong with me,"
"What?" I almost splutter my drink everywhere. That's ridiculous. "There's nothing wrong with you, Emily. There wasn't then, there isn't now,"
"You went to someone else, Naomi. Instead of me,"
"I pushed the panic button. I don't know why but I just... I was scared of being happy, I was scared of you, of us,"
"I was scared of us too, didn't you stop for a second to think that?"
"You seemed to deal with us a lot better than me,"
"I just hid my fear so much better than you," she answers truthfully, a sad look showing on her face for a few seconds. "Didn't mean I wasn't scared of you because I was,"
"I'm sorry,"
"Stop saying that word," she says, smiling at the same time to let me know there was no anger laced in her voice somewhere. "All I hope for now is that one day, I will find someone who will love me the same way I loved you,"
"I did love you, Emily,"
"I know," she nods, biting her lip for a few seconds. "In your own fucked up way, I know you did," I want to correct her and say do but instead, I stare into the bottom of my glass and swirl around the remaining alcohol. "So, how's Bristol?"
I'm surprised at how easily she can change the subject when discussing something so serious. She positions herself back on the chair next to me and for a second, her fingers graze my knuckles as she reaches over and fills my glass back up. She just grins, that sweet innocent way she does which totally sets the butterflies off in my stomach and sends an electric shiver up my spine. Jesus.
Over an hour passes before we realise the time and realise it's much later than we thought it was. Interrupted in mid conversation by one of the bar staff, I pull myself from the sofa and stumble against her desk as the alcohol goes straight to my head. Thankfully, Emily is too busy chatting business to notice my near embarrassing fall. I clutch my bag, slipping my phone inside just as I hear her office door click shut.
"I should get going," I try and fail to stifle my yawn. "I didn't realise how late it was,"
"Yeah, it's getting late," she comments, going over on her heel as she made moved to walk across the office floor. I instinctively put my arm out, making sure she stays upright. Seems like that vodka has went straight to both our heads. She falls into me and without really thinking my hands are barely touching her hips. "Ow, fucking hell,"
"Jesus Em," a laugh escapes my lips. "Are you okay?"
"I sometimes forget I can't drink the same as before," she hiccups, rather cutely and I feel her hand rest on my hip which makes my breath hitch up in my throat. I almost choke.
"I think I should get you home,"
"No, no," she waves her hand away, her body falling more into mine so I'm pushed backwards slightly, my thighs touch the edge of her desk and I'm positive, as her eyes map my face, that she spends a second looking a my lips more than anything or anywhere else but I can't be sure. Not when I've had this much alcohol. "Don't worry about me, I'll get home fine,"
"Still, I don't want to leave you like this,"
"You care?"
"What? Of course I do,"
"I should hate you," she says so quietly, I almost don't hear it. I feel her hand slip round onto my back, her fingers tracing shapes at the bottom of my spine. I clench my eyes shut tight. I used to love when she touched me there. I lost count of the amount of times she'd trace her fingers along the bottom of my back when we were cuddled up in bed together. That was all a long time ago but I know she still remembers. "I should just... I should..."
I don't hear anything for what seems like forever. It's only a mere few seconds but with my eyes still closed over, I feel her breath linger on my cheek before her lips gently touch mine. It makes me flinch and I allow my eyes to flicker open just as she slips her hand around my neck to draw me closer. Her tongue begs for entrance and I resist it for all of a few seconds before I part my lips and kiss her back, guiding us both against the office door.