A/N: So this one is inspired by Just a Dream by Carrie Underwood. This one is very very angsty and hurt, don't know where this came from but to make up for it there is another one coming later today that is all fluff and happy/sappy times.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in here, including the song it's based off of.
Kate stood in her dress blues. This wasn't how today was supposed to go. She was supposed to be wearing white; she was supposed to be standing in a church. Not dressed in her blues, standing on the green grass. She stared at the box. The box she had seen twice before. Ryan, Esposito and her carried one side while Hasting, Karpowski and even the captain carried the other. He had gotten the full police funeral. He wasn't technically a police officer but he never followed the rules in life, so why would he follow them in death? She wasn't surprised when the whole precinct and the mayor made sure he got the whole nine yards.
Martha and Alexis sat in the front row. She could've sat with them but it didn't feel right. Yes, they considered each other family especially since she's engaged to Castle. Was. She was engaged. She still felt guilty even though deep down she knew it wasn't her fault. Also, she's his partner. Was. She was his partner. She couldn't do this now, not here in front of everybody. Not in front of Martha and Alexis. They needed her she needed to be strong when everyone else was waiting for her to breakdown. Alexis and Martha each stood at the podium giving their speech. She didn't listen, tuned them out. If she listened to anecdotes she wouldn't be able to hide the tears that were threatening to fall. She focused on the casket only slightly aware of everything going on around her; it was like she wasn't actually there, that everything was happening in the distance. A small smile touched her lips when she thought of Caskett, she remembered their first weekend in the Hampton's, when he named them Caskett. The smile was gone as quickly as it came; she was over whelmed with the memory. She swallowed; it almost got stuck in her throat she forced it down.
She stood there where he stood 3 years earlier by her side; it felt like a bullet through her heart, she didn't miss the irony in this situation. The last time she was here that's exactly what happened. She had taken a bullet to the heart, and this was so much worse. It hurt more, at least when she was here last he was with her by her side, gave her the strength to fight, the will to survive. He wasn't here now. He would never be by her side again. He wasn't here to make a joke or squeeze her hand. He always knew what she needed.
She stayed behind everyone else. She should go to the wake afterwards but she needed a few moments along with him, to say goodbye the way she wasn't able to do with her mom or Montgomery. She knew Alexis and Martha would be able to hold the fort, she just needed this time to herself.
She brought a chair over and sat next to casket. She touched it, felt the first tears fall, "Oh Castle I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should've got there sooner, I should've made you stay in the car, should've done something." The tears started really falling now, her breath becoming laborious. "This wasn't how today was supposed to go, we were supposed to be standing in a church, I was supposed to be in a white dress my dad walking me towards you, you in a tux. You were my one and done, I was supposed to be your third time's the charm. Why? Why do you have to leave me?" The words were barely coming out; her chest was caving in on her. "I was counting on always," she whispered. Unable to speak, Kate felt the dam walls inside her collapse and her cheeks moisten. Leaning into the casket, she cried out all her guilt and loss. She cried until her eyes were dry, then she sat up, wiped the evidence away. She's done this before she could do it again, she's lost before and she's survived it. She's a survivor Castle showed her that.