Previously…

Jiminy tried to attack Sora with a sewing needle

Everyone had sex (again)

A new kid joined

Axel said he was going to make a move on Roxas. That poor kid. He has no idea what he's going to get himself into if he says yes. Anyway, Riku and I went on a date last night. We went to Nando's because I love me some chicken. Riku put half of the hot sauce on his chicken and said, "Still not as hot as you." So smooth. Then we went to his and he took down my trousers and-

"SORA STOP WRITING IN YOUR DIARY YOU GIRL, THE POPO ARE HERE!" Tidus shouted.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?" I yelled.

"HIDE WAKKA! HIDE THE DRUGS!"

"YOU IDIOT THEY HEARD YOU!"

They did. The popo arrested them both. "This wouldn't have happened if you had happened if you hadn't have been such a bastard." Wakka hissed.

"Shut up, dickhead, it was your idea to get into this in the first place!"

So Tidus and Wakka are now in prison for 2 years.

Oh dear.

Kairi and Selphie eventually turned up on the island, with grim faces.

"Jiminy's put sugar and lego all over the floor in my house." Selphie frowned.

"AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN IF YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SIZE!" Jiminy shouted, bouncing in out of nowhere.

"Oh for fuck's sake, here we go again…" Riku sighed.

"WHAT? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME SON?"

"You keep ambushing us for no reason. Why are you doing this anyway?" I asked.

"WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" He took a deep breath. "FOR 3 YEARS I HAD TO SIT IN YOUR HOOD AND WRITE ABOUT YOUR LIFE STORY BECAUSE THE FUCKING QUEEN TOLD ME TOO. FOR ONE OF THOSE YEARS YOU, DONALD AND GOOFY WERE ALL ASLEEP AND I SAT THERE WITH NOTHING TO DO!"

"Explains the insanity…" Kairi muttered.

"AS I WAS SAYING," Jiminy continued, "I HAD NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS AND MY HAND TO OCCUPY ME."

"We don't need so much detail Jiminy…"

"FUCK YOU. NOW I WANT TO GO BACK TO FUCKING TRANSVERSE TOWN AND FIND FUCKING PINNOCHIO AND HIS STUPID FUCKING 'FATHER' SO I CAN GO BACK TO FUCKING NORMAL YOU FUCKING FUCKTARDS!"

"Jesus, you could've just asked. Donald pimped up the Gummi Ship." I said, pointing at the garage next to the boats. Donald was inside, his cap reversed and his staff used as a paintbrush.

"Yo dawgs what's up?" he asked.

"Jiminy wants to go back to Transverse Town." Selphie sighed.

"Yeah fam that's cool. Just lemme get yo ride set up yo."

Donald Dawg (as he liked to call himself) got the Gummi Ship ready before telling us to get in.

"Come den blud. One trip to Transverse Town comin' right up, yo."