Memories
No One But You
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or any of their characters. Tora and Weapon X-ii are my own though. The song doesn't belong to me either.
Logan looked around the room. Her scent was everywhere. On the books, at the seat, on the bed. He stepped over to the desk, where she'd been sitting. A stone-cold mug of coffee was next to a half finished sketch of him. Her scent was strongest there. It looked exactly as she'd left it. He inhaled, catching the scent that was so fresh it was as if she'd just left the room. He couldn't stay here. Scents could linger for weeks and memories for even longer. He closed his eyes as the memories came swirling out of the fog that was his mind. Her laughing. The slight sparkle in her eyes that meant she was going to say something funny. The twitch of the lips that meant she was going to laugh but was trying not to. The fire that sparked up when she was angry. The way the tip of her tongue slid out of her mouth when she was concentrating. The way she unconsciously flicked her fringe out of her eyes in a single impatient movement. Words came next. Joking words, kindly words, words for missions and words spoken in private. Before the memories got too much he moved over to the bed and pressed his face into a pillow. Here her scent was in the nose version of HD. A single, long red hair tickled his nose. His scent was there as well, overlaying hers. And other scents from the night before her death. He ended up pulling away from the bed before he soaked the pillow too much with tears. He rarely cried. Now he seemed unable to stop when he was alone.
He'd avoided their room until today. A year to the day from their first kiss. He had planned to do a disappearing act with her but instead all he could do was come here and commit her scent to memory. He wasn't usually sentimental but it was the way she'd pushed all his advances away that made her all the more unique. Then when she'd finally, wondrously given in and for three short, perfect weeks there had been someone he couldn't hurt, someone who he was able to lose himself in. It hurt to even think her name. She was just that. She. A book was resting on the foot of the bed. She'd been going through photos. He flicked through them, memories sparked. He found the one he was looking for, of her gazing over the mountains with a preoccupied look on her face. He'd got it when she wasn't expecting it. It had been lucky she'd had her scramblers switched off. She'd moaned at him for taking it but he hadn't been able to resist. He then slid the photo out of it's slip and placed it in his pocket. Then he slammed the book shut. He looked round the room one last time, taking in the scratches on the headboard and the few personal possessions. Then he turned and left, locking the door behind him. Maybe, one day, he could go back in there. But not just yet. A quick step made him turn as Etana rounded the corner. Something clicked in Logan's head and the next thing she knew she was being pressed against the wall with claws under her throat.
"Ya knew! Ya knew all this time! Ya coulda stopped it but ya didn't!"
Silver eyes filled with tears as she looked at him.
"I cannot say what I could or could not have done."
Then she launched herself off the wall, powerful wings beating to get her out of the hold and down the corridor. She could have teleported but she had sent a message. 'Don't do that to me. I can beat you easily. I am stronger and older and better at fighting than you.' Logan hadn't expected her to do that or for her to be so strong. He should have known better. Etana had all of Warren's natural strength and had spent centuries honing it until she was stronger than most men. And her wings, despite the slight twist that suggested they were not entirely whole, were still strong enough to launch her into the air without her having to jump. He just didn't expect them to be able to push 300 pounds of adamantium reinforced feral away.
But then Etana was an uncertainty at the best of times. She wasn't an X-Man or anything like that. You could never tell where she was or what she'd been doing. And there had been a rumour that the Punisher was in town when all the heroes knew he was in Columbia dealing with drug cartels. According to Daredevil, the Kingpin had been found in by his lieutenant with knifes pinning him to the bed. And a knife stabbed half an inch away from his heart. He had survived though. Just. Which wasn't the Punisher's usual mode of operations. At the time, Etana was supposedly in Japan but according to Charles, her signature was actually in Hell's Kitchen at the time.
It was like there were two Etanas. One was compassionate and the face they mainly saw. The other was a warrior who wouldn't hesitate to kill if required. It was rarely seen but when it was, there was no doubt she could kill with an ease that even Logan couldn't manage. She'd gone on the Doom mission and Logan had seen her strike a man in half with one of her swords. Then she'd been the one to speak in favour of killing Doom. For a moment, the would-be ruler of the world had seemed afraid. Then it was like Etana had shaken the blood-lust off and gone back to being the usual Shadow. She'd dropped the knife and backed off, shaking her head as if to dispel the other her.
Logan gave up trying to puzzle her out. She was in a completely different mindset to the rest of them. Instead he carried the single box with all the things he needed back to his old room. When he got there, a CD was on the bed with a note from Kitty. Tora asked me to burn this for her. I thought you might want it.
He knew what it would be. She was always humming it. Always playing it. And he knew that it would just be that one song over and over again. He flipped the CD in his hands for a second before placing it in the player and pressing play. As the first few bars began to play he began to talk to the woman he wished was standing beside him.
"Why? You always used to ask that. Why are we here? Why are we fighting? Why did you kiss me? That was a good day. You'd found your family and I'd found you. And then you played me that song. I can't get the words out of my head now."
A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
"You always loved this song. Are you up there now? Watching over me? Kurt says you are. I hope for my sake that's true. I need you to be there. Maybe then I'll be able to live with myself. I still think it's my fault. If you'd been less selfless…"
Is it raining in heaven?
Do you want us to cry?
"You told me not to cry. As you lay there in my arms with your lifeblood dripping away you looked me in the eye and told me not to cry. You loved the rain. I hope it's raining wherever you are. You said you came alive when it rained."
And everywhere the broken-hearted
On every lonely avenue
"No one wants to talk about it. We're all grieving in our own ways. 'Ro's spending all her spare time in the attic, Kurt's praying, Peter's painting. Scott gazes out of the window. Eloise spends all her time up here talking to me."
No one could reach them
No one but you
"We didn't realize how much we'd come to rely on you. That smile when we were down. Those ridiculous impressions of Scott when he was bugging us. Listening when we needed to talk. I can't reach out, can't get help. I don't want Chuck in my head."
One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
"Is that why I can't die? You were young. Twenty-one. I was far too old for you. But you shoved that aside. Told me you didn't care. You were good though. The best. You're all dying. The great and the good. I ain't neither. You were both."
And life goes on -
Without you...
"It's hard. I know you'd been trying to get me off the booze but without you there to tease me into giving it up no one stops me. It drowns the pain. It's difficult to live when you're not there. The number of times I've thought about ending it all."
Another Tricky Situation
I get to drownin' in the Blues
"We were in a fight last week when 'Ro ordered you to take out an opponent. We were all assuming you'd leap in and beat him up without breaking a sweat. As it was, we only just escaped with our lives. I stayed in the bar till closing time that night."
And I find myself thinkin'
Well - what would you do?
"You'd hate me for trying to kill the people who shot you. You were always forgiving. You forgave me for not telling you about Weapon X. You forgave your parents for trying to stop our wedding. You'd forgive Magneto if you had the chance."
Yes! - it was such an operation
Forever paying every due
"You never let a debt stand for long. You were going to leave until you saved Charlie's life and felt that you'd done something to allow you to join. I didn't do that. I just grabbed the chance for independence. You wanted more. You wanted freedom."
Hell, you made a sensation
You found a way through
"Those files you left me have got the world on tenterhooks. I did as you asked and published them. The lawsuit's expected to last over a year. Longer if you include the appeals process. People are saying you were killed because of those papers."
One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
"You were always there for me. Standing quietly in the background, ready to help but also to back off. You were like the sun. The light in the dark hell of my life. Now it's like the light's all gone. And I can't see in the dark anymore."
We'll remember -
Forever...
"I don't remember the other women. I lost that at Weapon X. But they'll never take you from me. I've told Charles to kill me if I ever forget you. We'll all remember you. Chuck just stares at his chessboard all the time. I think he missed your games."
And now the party must be over
I guess we'll never understand
"We'd only just got back from the honeymoon. If I'd known I'd have asked a lot earlier. You were so old-fashioned in your morals. I guess having no real knowledge of basic biology until 'Roro gave you that talk was to blame."
The sense of your leaving
Was in the way it was planned...
"Did you know when you pushed me out of the way of that dart that it was designed to stop your healing? You must have. You didn't try to take it out. That's what killed you. You knew you wouldn't heal and left it and then it exploded and took you away."
So we grace another table
And raise our glasses one more time
"We leave your seat empty. None of us want to sit there. We still do that silly old tradition of the toast to friends departed. But this time we cry. None of us are ashamed of it. We cry and cry and the tears don't stop."
There's a face at the window
And I ain't never, never saying goodbye...
"After the funeral I thought I saw you. The number of times I see a red head pass by and I get a whiff of coffee and mint and I think it's you. But it's never you. I know you told me to live but I can't let you go. I'll never give you up. "
One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
"I keep thinking I can hear you coming out of the shower and expect to hear you calling me Carcajou. You're the only one you ever called me that. You'd whisper it in my ear when we were alone. Gasped it out when we became one."
Cryin' for nothing
"It took you years to learn to cry. It'll take me years to learn to stop."
Cryin' for no-one
"You never cried about your past. And neither do I."
No one but you
"Tora, I never cried for anyone but you."
Phoenix tilted her head back and looked at her companion.
"We knew it was bad. But like that? No."
Her companion just nodded absent-mindedly, fingers tracing the water. Phoenix realized that to talk to her right now would be pointless. She was lost in old and better times.