It took her a month till she finally walked into his office sure of herself telling him that she wanted to leave, she gave him her transfer papers and asked him politely to talk to Andy about her, how could he not do that? The younger woman had no reason to stand by him stubbornly as he tried and failed to deal with the fact that he lost his wife, that he failed her. It was his own fault, if he knew that something was going on then Emily would be here and he would be going to doctor's appointments together.

The lies he says are weighting down on him, the thought that he might not see his daughter or son be born is suffocating him, the mare idea that he might never meet his and Emily's child is enough to drive the gun to his head.

Everything seemed to be darker around him, he barely has strength to get up from the bed in the morning, he barely manages to live, he merely exists nowadays. Jack is his only light in the darkness but his happy carefree laugh and innocent questions can't take his mind off of things that are eating him alive from the inside. Even looking at himself in the mirror is unbearable, what kind of man lies to everyone? What kind of person uses a young woman's grieve to make himself feel better? Was he slowly turning to one of the monsters he hunted down?

So he called Andy and gave Ashley his best recommendations, applauded her insight and intelligence. Gave her the out that he couldn't find…

When the offer to lead a task force in Pakistan came through he took it without second thought, he could finally wake up without having to put up a façade, shave, put on a clean suit, brush his hair, he could let go himself and look just as crappy on the outside as he felt on the inside.

He visited her, or should he say them in Paris before he had to be in Pakistan, skyped with Jack, Jessica and Penelope, e-mailed with JJ and Morgan, talked on the phone with Dave and sometimes Reid but only wrote to Ashley. The young woman never replied to his letters and he didn't expect her to, it was an out thought, he would sent her a letter once a week, some of the soldiers even thought that she was his wife or girlfriend. No one asked him the truth and he didn't correct them. One former marine, now the head of the crime lad in NYC, also on temporary duty here asked him, he looked at him in shock, he didn't know how to call her, she wasn't his girlfriend, or even his friend, "She's family." He answered simply, the man thankfully just nodded sympathetically and walked away, he was never more thankful of him.

He knew she was alright, and he knew that she'll be furious when she finds out (if) that Emily is alive but he can't do anything else, he has to lie, he had to protect her (them).

There are days that he is too sad to even get up from the bed, he accepts them and welcomes them like old friends.

XXX

Ashley loved New York, the city was buzzing, she loved the bars, the restaurants, the life all around her. She worked and enjoyed life, what else could she ask for?

Every once and a while, almost every week actually, she'd get a new letter from Hotch, she kept them all, never actually picking up the courage to open them and read them, she was scared of what she might find in them.

This week's letter though never came, in its place a brown box appeared in her mailbox. She took it in her hands and examined it carefully, everything was the same as each week only this week it was a box and not a file. That intrigued her greatly and she knew she had to open it. Walking in the apartment with the box in her arms, the rest of her mail forgotten, she felt as if her heart was going to beat outside of her chest. She walked inside and locked the door behind her walking to the living room and dropping down the couch. The box fell on the coffee table sitting on the white wood mockingly.

She knew she had to open it, so she did. A velvet black box was in it along with a small note. Taking the box in her hands she slowly opened it, her eyes filled with tears at what she found inside. A white gold charm bracelet Emily loved sat there, she took the note in her hands and read the simple message and the tears just kept flowing down her cheeks.

'Dear Ashley,

If you are reading this then things with Doyle didn't go as planned, please don't blame yourself, I know that for sure you are the one with the less support. Probably trying to prove to the others that you are strong enough to do this job… am I right? You were the best student I could have asked for and I'm pretty sure you'll make a damn good agent too, in or away from the BAU.

Love Emily.