Author's Note: Thank you very much for all the reviews; unlike an anon. reviewer, I think it's not ooc for Maura to not accept/embrace her feelings - both in the books and in the show (it's better explained in the books), she desperately tries to not fall in love because it hurt her in the past.

Chapter Thirty-Two

I wasn't taught how to love, how to fall in love and be happy with it. I was taught to be careful instead and to measure my feelings. My parents never told me that they loved me. I was adopted. I know what it is like to feel abandoned for a reason that doesn't make sense at first. That's why I'm careful now. I can't help it. Yet it's costing me Jane.

Unable to look at her own reflection in the mirror a second longer, Maura turned her head and stepped into her bath. The AC was still on in spite of Jane not being around. Maura hadn't found the strength to turn it off. She didn't want to. It was her fault. What had happened was her fault and she wanted everything to remind her of Jane. She had to suffer from it.

She hadn't run after Jane after Jane's outburst at the coffee shop. She had let her go away instead before driving back home in a state of shock.

It's not over. It's not over. It's not over.

She had repeated the sentence in her head over and over like a mantra that would give her the necessary strength to not burst into tears. It had worked out. Surprisingly. Unexpectedly. Even if she didn't really believe it.

People used to say that arguing was part of life, that it was even healthy. Maybe it was. Yet Maura was scared of it. It had happened to her and Jane once in the past and she had hated it. Deeply hated it. Besides, they weren't lovers by then.

The context was different this time, just as the reason of their argument was.

Maura understood Jane's reaction. She even found it to be fair. As a matter of fact, it surprised her that it hadn't happened any time earlier. Jane had showed patience and her patience hadn't been rewarded. Perhaps Maura didn't control her inner fears but she was still the one to blame. To an extent.

The water was cool. It embraced her body softly. She closed her eyes and leaned her head backwards. She needed a time off in order to analyze everything. The house was quiet, she was alone. Jane would probably not spend the night over. It broke Maura's heart as she already missed her partner but perhaps it was exactly what she needed to finally make things clear.

"Why do you always have to screw up everything?"

Her whisper rose in the bathroom. It slid along her arms, made her shiver and vanished in the air before she had time to sigh.

It couldn't happen. She couldn't let the past repeat itself. Not with Jane. She had got over the others but it was different with Jane. Maura knew that what she had experienced with her previous dates had nothing to do with what she had with Jane. Thus she couldn't let it go.

Or else living became a mere, dull option.

"Don't be ridiculous."

She didn't have suicidal thoughts. It wasn't even an option. She was very happy deep inside because Jane had brought her the balance she needed in her life. She didn't want to put an end to it. Even less now that their friendship had melted into the sweetest relationship.

She could have talked to Lucy. She could have asked her for advices. But something told Maura that she had to handle the situation on her own this time. She had to show maturity, and wisdom. It was now or never.

Besides, Lucy had already told her everything that had to be said. She didn't have anything to add. No. This time Maura would have to face her fears without the help of anyone.

...

"Maybe... Maybe I shouldn't have told her that." Jane bowed her head in shame. "Gosh. Of course, I should have shut up. Dammit!"

She cast a timid glance at Frost. Not only had she told him that she was dating Maura but she had also let him know about the argument she and Maura had had at the coffee shop. Because she had felt the urge to talk to someone. Because Frost had been the only one she had thought about on the moment.

It was the first time the two of them talked about their romantic life with such seriousness. The moment was strange but comforting. Jane was realizing that it was what she needed and Frost was the perfect person for such kind of talk. She did not have a lot of friends outside of work. Thus the friendship she had built with Frost was a blessing. A real one.

"You shouldn't have shut up. You let her know how you feel. That's how we do it, Jane. Perhaps it's going to hurt the two of you but you've been honest and nothing beats honesty. Keep that in mind. I mean it."

A timid smile played on Jane's lips, for a brief second. Frost had a sensitivity that nobody else had at the BPD. Not even women. She was lucky to be able to call him her work partner. She folded her legs up and leaned her chin on top of her knees. She passed her arms around her legs, protectively.

"You knew it was Maura, right? You knew it was her the woman I was talking about the day I told you and Korsak that I was dating a woman."

Frost looked down at his lap. He looked embarrassed. A nervous laugh slid on his lips.

"Well... It's not you're underestimating my detective skills, Jane... It's that it's quite evident. No offense, Jane, but we all guessed it. You and Maura, it was only a matter of time."

Jane gave him a slow nod. She didn't know how to take such piece of information. She felt a bit stupid now. However, she was sure that nobody could guess how it had started. That was still comforting. She and Maura had fooled them.

Somehow.

"Maura and I..." She ran her tongue over her lips. "It's been going on for a while. For several months, actually. It's just... You know..." She made a vague gesture with her hand. "It's just it wasn't really a romantic relationship at first."

"No. Please. Really." Frost raised his arms and shook his head vehemently. "I really don't need the details. It only belongs to you and Dr. Isles."

Jane burst out laughing. She frowned at her friend then shook her head in disbelief.

"Will you ever stop calling her Dr. Isles? She calls you Barry! Not that it's any better..."

Frost took a sip of beer. He had driven all the way to Jane's apartment as soon as she had called him but the temperatures were such in her one-bedroom apartment that both friends had walked to the Esplanade to have a drink there. A drink and a talk.

There were a lot of people by the Charles River but the place was nonetheless quiet and perfect for a heart-to-heart small conversation.

"Maybe one day I'll have to call her Mrs. Rizzoli."

The remark caused Jane to blush heavily. She hadn't thought about marriage. As a matter of fact, such possibility was so far from her world that she could barely picture it out. And even less now.

"With the last convo Maura and I had?" A sarcastic laugh passed Jane's lips. "I don't think you will ever have to. Nope."

"Oh, come on! It's just an argument. You'll do just fine. And together."

"How can you be so sure?"

Frost smiled. He looked serene and full of a beautiful, honest self-confidence. His state of mind contrasted immensely with Jane's current confusion.

"I can see it in your eyes."

Jane rolled the aforesaid eyes. She wasn't made for poetry in disguise. She liked bare facts, honest ones. Even if they hurt. That was how reality was, anyway.

She swallowed hard.

"What should I do now?"

Jane honestly felt stuck. She regretted the words she had told Maura because it had broken their harmony. Yet a part of her felt relieved too because she had said something meaningful. And because that harmony wasn't as beautiful as what Jane had wanted to believe. It needed to be fixed.

She just feared the worst now, though. She didn't want to break up with Maura, not after all the energy and the courage she had put in their story. She wanted to believe in it. As a matter of fact, she did believe in it. And she would do anything to make sure that it wouldn't get reduced to dust.

"Nothing."

Frost's reply took her aback.

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. I mean: nothing... Just do what you told her earlier today. Wait for her. Give her some time. Dr. Isles loves analyzing every single detail of the human life and that's what she needs to do right now. So let her do that and once she's ready, she'll come back to you."

It sounded nice on paper, even reassuring. Sadly Jane knew that reality could be very different.

"What if she doesn't come back?"

"Oh, she will. Believe me."

Jane frowned. She really had a hard time following her friend's reasoning at times. She turned her head and looked at him.

"How can you be so sure?"

Frost gave her a wink.

"It's in her eyes."