A/N: I put in a bit of exposition on here. Might come back and make it funnier later, especially if it's boring. Eg delete all mention of the base, lol

I kept up my placid mask as well as I could have. Tayuya didn't seem to be affected by it in any way.

Deep breaths.

"I..."

What the SHIT. Was Kabuto like 5 years older than normal? I compartmentalised the thought for later. Think calm thoughts.

I paused. "I was considering whether we should introduce alcohol... As an incentive."

Tayuya briefly looked at me like I'd grown a second head, before slowly nodding. "So you wanted to judge whether I should drink, based on my age," she said with added snark.

"Don't be silly. Age doesn't matter with alcohol. We're ninja." Um... "No, I was simply curious whether your body had developed to the point that you could absorb it."

"Oh! Well, you already know through my medical records."

I narrowed my eyes and she flinched. "Yes. Maybe we should undergo more testing so that I could remember better?" Ahaha, I'm such a dick. I briefly paused and continued, "Walk with me to the exit. If you could help me find Kimimaro, that would be much appreciated."

"Sir, what about the match?" She asked pointedly, for the injured mooks.

"What about the match? Ask Jirōbō." That is, of course assuming that he is around here.

She slowly nodded and walked off to go get Jirōbō. Oh, life is good.

But what the fuck is going on in Konoha? If I'm not going insane and Tayuya was young in the story, then we should be in the 4th war arc! The story should've ended by now!

SHIT!

I need to see Konoha immediately. I'm going to get Kimimaro and we're going to get to the bottom of this.

.

.

Tayuya's back. Right, we're going to get to the bottom of this.

"Get to the bottom of what?" She asked, tilting her head.

Shit. Might as well. "Konoha." I said, looking back to her. Well, she's 18, so why not treat her like an adult. "Hiruzen-kun has something brewing for me. I would like to assess something." Fuck if I know, but it'll probably be because of Konoha. EVERYTHING ELSE WAS.

Assuming that I'm right. I began walking as she trailed beside me. Good, now to pretend not to be following her.

"I didn't notice anything when I was there. Sasuke seemed fine." Oh good! On the bright side maybe she can inform me how Konoha is going.

I scowled, "Recap me on Sasuke."

"Sasuke Uchiha: Age 16" I flinched, but she ignored it. "Attends Ninja Arts School Facility. Notable classmates are Tetsuo Toshi and Hinata Hyuuga. Can perform Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu fireball technique and is skilled in shuriken arts." Tayuya is 18 years old. Shit, she must be at least Jounin by now and have noticed my flinch. But seems like she genuinely doesn't care. Probably thinks that I'm assessing something.

Bless you Orochimaru and your cryptic ways. Here's hoping that Tayuya is busy happily anticipating alcohol. Though it's looking like there won't be any left by the time I'm drowning my sorrows.

Shit. Fuck the world! I haven't even come to terms with the fact that I'm a SNAKE.

She finished reeling off, "The brat thinks he's the greatest thing on Kami's green earth, and if you offer him strength to kill Itachi he'll be putty for you to work with."

I nod. "Do you know who he will be taught under?"

"Best theory is Genma Shiranui. It was believed to have been Hatake Kakashi, but he has been seen running missions with an ANBU outside of Konoha."

We were approaching an unmarked door, that she proceeds to knock on. "Orochimaru-sama requires your assistance."

I heard a calm call of assent before I was quickly introduced with Kimimaro Kaguya's likeness. Huh... I wonder if he can constantly see red around his vision.

He bowed immediately. "You have graced me with your presence, Lord Orochimaru."

Of course I have. I am the greatest man alive! "I require you to join me on a journey to Konoha. I may need to destroy a few things on the way."

"It would be my pleasure, my lord."

We kept walking.

"Kimimaro, can you say, 'Yes, my lord'? With that cadence?" I asked Kimimaro in curiosity.

"Certainly, Orochimaru-sama." He paused to get the inflection right, "Yes, my lord." Excellent.

I say the same. "Excellent, Kimimaro. It may be necessary in the future." Like hell.

"-Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama!" called a woman as she power-walked to catch up with us. She had long black hair, pale skin and dark eyes. She was, naturally it seems for my female subordinates, really good looking. I assumed that this woman must be an elite jounin - she walked like strongest female ninja that I remembered in the anime. In my base.

I deigned myself to face her and her pretty body. She dare try to get my attention with mere looks?! I must be wooed first hssss

She continued without missing a beat, "Will you return with Zaku? The team is unable to continue their practice regime without coordinating group attacks."

ARGH, c'moonnnnn. "Yes, yes. If it is convenient I will do so. I had chosen his location for a reason." A reason of which I am unsure. Testing? Seems to be the only thing Orochimaru does.

"Yes. Of that I am aware." She quickly bowed, "We will do well to aid you in taking Konoha," and joined our trio to head to the surface.

What, no more 'Lord Orochimaru's? I'm ashamed. Well... It's probably better to have people in awe of me than to have dissent. In a world of ninja. I'd do well to have something I can trust at the moment. Fucking Kabuto.

What I gathered from Kabuto was that he'd either updated me on Sasuke yesterday, or he could ONLY confirm that Sasuke hadn't died or something. Because I think Orochimaru of all people would probably flay him alive for that lack of detail. But I'm pretty sure Kabuto is a spy for multiple people, so whatever. He's useful though.

As a side, I don't want him to see me have a breakdown at how fucked up the story is now.

WHY GOD? SMITE ME DOWN!

I do not want to be the guy in charge of replacing Naruto or something.

On the bright side - hell if I don't feel powerful enough. That is something I certainly am.

Actually, life is good.

Oh my GOD please give me SOMETHING to do besides being escorted.

We passed through a large underground gym area that let in enough light that I knew we were reaching the exit. It was kind of like an indoor courtyard for people to train in. There were many - 30 to 40 - random ninja spread across in various rooms. Meh. The majority were plain boring ninja, throwing around throwing stars and normal stuff. Most were sparring or doing target practice. More interestingly, a lot were experimenting with different kinds of MAGIC, though most looked like they had no experience with it.

I took a slow look at all the baby faced impressionable youth. These are children that I would have to care for, and nurture for my budding empire.

Fuck all of you. Man, I wish I could shout that at them. I need to vent magic everywhere. No wonder Orochimaru took out his anger on his subordinates - I can't go 5 minutes without having to do something leaderish.

I need to assess what's going on.

I took a deep breath and relaxed. The benefits outweigh the negatives, the benefits outweigh the negatives.

There were several teachers trying to coach the students, so I decided to listen in to what they were saying.

"-Yeah, I know," spoke the young WIZARD.

"Good, then. As Kuramochi said, 'You have to tap into the middle of your forearm'," contributed the obese sensei. He.. really shouldn't be a ninja.

"But it's hard to get both my hands to co-ordinate it. There's no chakra or anything there."

"Keep practicing." Diligent.

... Must've injected them with bloodlines.

Note to self - when I make that 'weird talking and finger movement' gas, inoculate myself. I may even spray it through the floor whenever I get annoyed.

The floor... of this room.

There were the 2 genin from Team Dosu in the Chunin Exams. They were almost acceptable. And the woman bowed and split from our group to join the now young adults. At least she's probably going to inform them of my heroic rescuing of their teammate.

As for them, they were skilled compared to the rest, but then again I hadn't seen jounin. My eyes could track them easily though, so they might have a ways to go. I eyed the girl called Kin throwing senbon so that I'd have something to do while ignoring Tayuya who was slowing us down with inane 'spread the message' shit.

Why aren't we out of here already!? Kill me. Even if it takes being lost, I'm just going to leave my base solo from now on. Heck, I might find more hidden alcoves and things that Orochimaru was working on.

But the woman - she seems important. Why wouldn't I recognise her amongst the team? Hrm.

... Ohhh, right. I stole the body of that woman, didn't I? Duh. She must be extremely skilled! Good on her.

Ahahaha. So mean. Well, I kind of already stole a body this morning.

But about the body snatching - that's actually really unfair. Not the woman, but that some kid with two red flashing eyeballs can just "out-soul" me. Me of all people. At least it makes sense I could out-soul her, since I'm S-rank and she isn't. Fucking sharingan. No - fucking Sasuke. Guh.

We approached our exit. "Well, it's time for me to split. Bye Orochimaru-sama," Tayuya said, bidding her leave. Peace, homie.

"For Otogakure," some token guards said in passing.

"For Otogakure and Orochimaru-sama," Kimimaro replied.

We emerged out front. I got to enjoy a glimpse some beautiful fictional forestry.

I got to feet the long grass ruffle against my feet in my sandals.

"Excellent. Kimimaro, please direct me to a stretch of land that would be fine for me to destroy."

"Right away my Lord."

I jumped up on a tree and examined the entrance. Killer.

That's pretty damn cool. My own personal base. I don't even think Orochimaru gave it a name.

Let's see... Mighty Morphin Command Center? Thunderbirds base? Teletubbies Pink house!?

No. It's too early to decide. I need to first decide on management.

Kimimaro. He'd be perfect for dealing with tough finicky social situations.

Kimimaro took to the trees and I followed post-haste."Or-"

I raised my hand, "-Kimimaro. No more talky-talky."

...

...

"AND FUCK MINATO! AND FUCK JIRAIYA!" I hissed, obliterating the rocky landscape around me.

Wind Release: Great Breakthrough, Wind Release: Great Breakthrough

"Sir. I have to remind you again that you may attract more ninja," Kimimaro spoke from the cliff, exasperated.

"AND FUCK KARIN AND KUSHINA- No, Kushina is alright - AND FUCK ITACHI!"

I send off a final Water Release: Hail Barrage.

I hope I didn't spill anything. Fucking Zetsu could be anywhere.

I waited to recover my breath - subtly - I avoided giving away signs of exertion. I assessed Kimimaro.

Kimimaro is trustworthy. I could teach him about his Kaguya heritage.

If you ignore his crazy Kaguya genetics. Sheeeeeeeeeesh, that backstory.

There was a squad of people from Iwa. A platoon. I knew they were there, waiting for me to get tired but really, fuck the canon cast. It had to be said. They really were a bunch of self righteous concepts.

I glanced at Kimimaro, then to the squad.

He nodded and quietly jumped down beside me. He spoke, softly, "My master requires me to prove my worth. I shall not let him down."

He turned blackened and ashen, clasping his hands together.

"Dance of the Seedling Fern: Bone Forest."

Omake:

Tayuya was looking at me strangely. In fact, she was watching me throughout that entire meeting with Kimimaro, wasn't she?

... She thinks I flinched because I like young boys, doesn't she? Well, two can play at that game.

"Tayuya, I do not like young boys," I said, putting a strange amount of emphasis specifically on the word 'boys'.

Tayuya looked aghast, but I continued, "I had noticed your reaction. I merely desire Sasuke's body." I then turned to look toward Kimimaro and gestured limply, "His too."

She stammered, "B-But I had never thought that."

"Good. Only a rank amateur would make themselves so obvious."

She scowled before going quiet.