A/N: I had too many ideas and plans, so I decided to drop a lot here instead of trying to memorise them all and failing horribly.

So these guys were clearly not skilled enough. Or what was left of them. Aha aha aha.

Anyway, it's a good thing that Iwa - and everyone else - already hates Orochimaru. My karma must be in the pits. Still, I have to give them points for bravery, if nothing else.

Also, JESUS! I'd forgotten that Kimimaro was crazy strong in the anime. This is just... insane. Canon plus - what, like 4 or 5 years more training? And I know I can take him. I must be damn good.

But why the fuck hasn't Orochimaru taken his body yet? Is he an idiot?

I surveyed the environment for any other ninja. Nada. I didn't even need to make my hands do stupid movements to magic snakes into existence.

I could tell that Kimimaro was slightly exhausted, but still. These are probably jounin. I ignored the field of bodies. Stupid mooks, thinking that they could touch the great toad sag- snake man. Snake man.

Fuck it, fine. Time to break the cardinal rule.

I patted Kimimaro on the back. "Excellent work, Kimimaro-kun."

His eyes widened with shock. "Or-Orochimaru-sama."

I smirked and rewarded my pet crazy person. "Maybe you shall be my next body." That'll placate him.

Ah, the joy on his face. I would be happy to be taken by myself, Senior Bodysnatch.

And finally, an opportunity to talk.

"Kimimaro..." I paused. How am I going to begin to phrase this.

"When I fought with Itachi, he had struck me with a genjutsu. It was weak. However, I am going to require your assistance with finding my bases."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," he replied with slightly more vigour despite being exhausted. Obviously proud of getting some fatherly acknowledgment. From me. Senior Bodysnatch.

Really, it seems like Orochimaru's voice alone is just selling whatever I am saying. I could start doing advertisements and people would think 'oh, Orochimaru is doing advertisements. Nothing out of the ordinary'.

But what I really want to know right now is where I am, and where are my bases.

I faced Kimimaro directly. "Kimimaro-kun. Tell us where we are."

He did his best to take a standing posture, though obviously winded. "We are in your Land of Sound sir. We are between the Land of Hot Water and an unclaimed jungle expanse. It leads to Waterfall and Iwa." He then pointed to a particular set of trees. "Over there lies Konoha."

I continued without skipping a beat. "And if you wanted to stake out Konoha, where would you go?"

"Orochimaru-sama, why are you asking me this?"

Should I? Why not. "I will need someone that I can rely upon. I will get Sasuke. To do so, you will need to be my right hand. Beyond Kabuto. No - stop looking at the one attached to my arm." I get that Orochimaru wasn't much into loyalty... But Kimimaro was a fanatic anyway. Makes me wish snakes were the same.

Oh shit. I just realised.

"Hold on a moment."

I push my hands together and shove a bunch of chakra through them, and lo and behold - a Shadow Clone. I knew it! If I have enough chakra for Manda, I can damn well push out a few Shadow Clones. Exactly what the world needs! More me.

And finally, I get to examine my impressive visage. Minus that it's dressed in the body of Orochimaru. It'll have to do.

I look like I am experiencing pure nirvana. But then I suppose I would when I get to take my frustrations out with magic.

Anyway as it stands, it's just the one. I attempt to communicate with it, but nothing happens. No kind of reflexive response like with Naruto. I'm thinking maybe I should try again. I disperse the clone.

Ah, I felt a slight mental change there. I wonder if that's the memories from the clone.

Right then. I think 'go look for my bases', and summon my Go-go gadget CLONE. It of course appears, then nods to me and flies off. Sweeeeeeet.

Fuck yeah.

I look back at Kimimaro. Oh right, he had a bone condition didn't he? I'm surprised that he's still here 5 years later. Gotta admire his tenacity. Despite his crippling boneitis.

I summon another clone to go look for Tsunade before dusting my hands off with a big shit eating grin. This shit is so easy! People must practice hand signs here like they're hosting a convention for deaf people.

Ahhh. If this works, I could just send Kimimaro and save my mooks when I take Sasuke. Wait, why am I bothering preserving the story? I could just kill Zetsu. Or Obito. Fucking Obito.

Speaking of clones... I bet by Shippuden all of my subordinates - and Karin - will be 18.

... Maybe I DO have reason to preserve canon.

Me and Kimimaro sat outside of Konoha, overlooking the village from our cliff.

A burst of ideas came into my mind. Ohhhhhh, right. So, it turns out that I was able to find a base up in what I think is Kumogakure. I had a funny image of myself as Orochimaru holding up a civilian's map frantically pointing at the paper and scowling in his voice. Clone me is an idiot. He basically found that one base and then dispersed while shrugging a lot. He did remember that there was something about fish people that worked for me in a filler episode. I'll need to ask about that.

He couldn't find any hidden alcoves. But come on... Surely if Orochimaru was preparing to fight against the sharingan, he might have some written logs of important information somewhere.

Kimimaro pointed me towards one of my hidden entrances. It looked awfully like a covered over well that I remembered seeing in the anime once. King of originality, Orochimaru is.

To feel like I'm actually doing something, I send some lesser snakes in to search ahead. Kimimaro adopted a wary expression, which gave me the impression that it is safe, and what I'm doing is unnecessary. Fucking... ninja.

I skulk in with enough finesse to turn the Pink Panther green.

It's a good thing my mooks are trained well. Not a single complaint so far. Life is good.

Oh wait - what if this leads to Danzo? Didn't Orochimaru make his arm!?

No, no way. Orochimaru wouldn't be so dumb as to bring his subordinates down a ROOT tunnel.

Oh, but it would explain how something something Hashirama's cells. I'm not even kidding - 'something something Hashirama's cells'. I don't even remember how they were used but they were talked about endlessly in the end of the show.

I need to figure out if S rankers are any different to normal people. What I gathered from the series is that it's just as easy to lie to an S ranker than to a normal person. No super special ninja skills.

Hahahahahahaha. No. The answer is no.

"What are you laughing at!?" the boy scowled.

I tried to hold in my laughter, "You! I don't understand why..." I gestured towards my face.

Sasuke was Daniel Radcliffe. Harry Potter.

The field was as empty as I could make it without sending snakes to cut off all the patrolling ANBU.

Sasuke. Or rather, Daniel Radcliffe could easily lie to me right now and I'd have zero clue whatsoever.

He always was good at being stoic.

FUCKING HARRY POTTER.

"Sas.. Sasuke," I squeezed out. HARRY. FUCKING. POTTER.

I continued, "I can offer you much power... I can teach you Avada Kedrava."

He growled, "Don't make fun of me."

I really really didn't want to, so I put on a serious facade. "Yes..." I coughed, "I can provide training for that man. We share a common enemy. You will - of course - have to concede your body to me in return, however."

This is actually brilliant. He hasn't got any ties so far.

He folded his arms. "And if I don't?"

"Well," I replied, then had my very first go at killing intent.

"... What, nothing!?" I exclaimed, exasperated.

"What are you waitin-" he immediately snapped rigid, and almost fell to the floor. Ah, second time's the charm.

I moved closer toward him, still focusing on my intent to slaughter the hell out of him, then projecting it with chakra. And holy shit is it hard to retain that when you are looking at Daniel Radcliffe's movie expressions.

"Ah ah ah." I waggled my finger. "I think you may have some notion of what I am capable of."

"Par-parlour... tricks," he grunted out through his clenched body. I clapped lightly for him and smirked.

I really should learn how to do the curse mark thing. Oh well, maybe later.

I released the killing intent. "Now. It looks like we have no time to fight today, Sasuke-kun. Next time I will send my subordinates," I replied, gesturing to Kimimaro. "If you are interested, you must come join. Otherwise... Well, there will be no Hermione for you. Silly Gryffindor."

I ignored his perplexed expression and slowly walked my way out of the field. I detected high chakra coming my way.

Don't ask me how. It's a weak detection thing.

"Orochimaru," spoke an old voice.

OLD NINJAS. SHIT! The worst kind of ninja!

I turned to face... Bandages... Danzo? Oh. Thank god I guess.

"Danzo-san!" I remarked in a pleasantly surprised tone of voice. "I was just enjoying my visit."

He growled. "You cannot do this. Not here. Not in the day." I could see the heat behind his cycloptic glare.

"Hm. It was a necessary action," I affirmed.

"Yes. I gathered," he replied in that tone of voice that seemed to say 'look around'. It was like waiting for an invisible audience to clap.

"... Still," he begrudging continued, "I can understand your desire to seek the young boy. But surely this is not how things should play, considering what may happen at the upcoming Chunin exams if we were to be the hosts of such an event."

Is he stalling me or something? OH. Ohhhh.

I take a long pause and smirk. "I, of course, can provide much help for that man. We share a common goal, future Kage." I paused. "You will - of course - have to concede Sasuke's body to me in return, however." This was getting familiar.

I finished, "... But some things just cannot wait. Konoha's potential ought to not... fester."

"Obviously," he replied in a plain tone. "Go."

I made my leave quickly. By the time I was out of hearing range I got behind some trees. More signatures were coming in.

I turned to face Kimimaro unnaturally quickly, "Let's blow this popsickle stand! Boogies are onto us."

We made our escape.

Didn't Danzo look like Danny Trejo? Weird.

...

High above on the Hokage Monument.

A tall young adult and his cloak of chakra stood overlooking the village of Konoha. He sat, bow legged and focused his senses. Through them, his focus came to rest on an Uchiha. The fellow teen was training alone beside a large lake, practicing fireballs. His anger seemed to exhaust him and result in worse chakra control.

And through it, he attacked an imaginary foe with a subtle longing, as if grieving.

The boy on the rocky cliff sighed. Everything he stood for came down to protect his village. But would it be worth it to protect the few over the majority? Even for those you may not technically know?

For a world you might not know? Everything was subtly different. The academy was a longer school. Even having been here 2 years, joining Sasuke's classroom - even Sakura wasn't the same Sakura that he once knew. He could only keep up his prankster side for so long until his patience ran out.

He rewove the bandages on his missing forearm. It was a tick he was starting to develop when he was nervous.

Orochimaru was goading Sasuke. He had never met Sasuke before their team. Why hasn't he attempted to take him?

He frowned. But Orochimaru - for how big he was at the time - was still a small fry. He needed to find his true enemies. Madara, Zetsu, Kaguya. To help Konoha and save a friend that didn't exist.

But he couldn't tell Jiji about Danzo. Danzo didn't kill him.

"I'll be back. When I've helped out Yagura, Gaara and everyone. When I've beaten Akatsuki. And I will be back, to defend Konoha and my friends," as he did, 2 years ago. Although his ultimate goal was to stop Madara and Akatsuki, he needed to see Konoha fixed from the ground up. Especially for whenever he can meet Tsunade and ask her to heal his injuries. It would be a bad showing if she saw Konoha in need.

He sank his blonde head onto his palm, bemused. Maybe then she'll help him get some strength back.

"Quit your whining," rumbled the chakra beast. "You'll get your Team 7 back soon."

"Come on," his half-masked ANBU cohort called brusquely. Picking the right moment to interrupt, as always.

Sometimes he thought that all his sensei saw in him were his parents. It would make sense, if he had truly gone missing.

He put back on his Owl mask. "Alright alright Kakashi-sensei. I just miss it, is all."

...

Outside of Konoha.

I calmly assessed my situation. I was in a state of zen.

That was one of the oddest experiences I have ever had, I reflected as I left Konoha. The ANBU behind us were getting frustrated and just throwing random ninjutsu at this point.

This would be the perfect moment to drop the 'speak nonsense' gas, and just stand by and laugh at them.

I honestly should fight these people if I want to practice fighting. But no, I'd get rushed horrifically.

My shadow clone burst in its search for Tsunade. I quickly examined the memory.

"Hello, Princess," I spoke, silently.

I took in the look of Tsunade gazing at me with desire, before scowling and returning to nurse her drink. Holy hell she is hot. It's like looking at a living Monet painting.

She stood up and stared at me before jabbing me in the ribs.

"Owwie owwie owwie-"

"-Don't fucking use shadow clones! At least come here in person!"

And the shadow clone burst.

And that was that. I wonder where Naruto was.

Marked:
Mysterious Person Nobody Can Ever Guess
Iwagakure
Konohagakure