Author's note: We return with another issue of the best of Blood Gulch. So get ready to sit back and laugh at more of your favorite Machinima characters.
Mines Over Money
Inside Blue Base with just Church and Tex.
Church: Tex, I–
Tucker: (Burst in from left of Tex) Hey Tex!
Church: What the fu–
Tucker: Wanna have a ride in the tank?
Tex: I think there's only one seat.
Church: What the fuck, man? Get the fuck out!
Tucker: (ignores Church) No worries, Tex. I can walk. (Looks suave)
Tex: No. (Turns and walks away)
Church: You fucked up everything, Tucker. Tex and I were having a moment!
Tucker: A moment? The only moments you two ever have involve you insulting each other.
Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.
We cut to outside Red Base, a supply ship taking off and leaving, with Sarge and Grifstanding next to wooden crates labeled "Caution: Explosive. Handle with care."
Sarge: Get moving, Grif. Those new ammo boxes won't move by themselves!
Grif: But Donut could certainly move them better. (Carelessly kicks a crate)
Sarge: No go! Be more careful, Grif. And besides, Donut is decorating the Warthog!
Grif: Decorating? What? Oh, never mind. What about Simmons?
Sarge: Simmons is distracting the Blues!
Grif: Oh, God.
Outside Blue Base around the center of the canyon, Caboose stands mundanely, looking at the rocks. Simmons walks up to him.
Caboose: Hi Red guy!
Simmons: What are you doing so far from your base?
Caboose: I was… walking. What are you doing here?
Simmons: (elusively) Nothing.
Caboose: Me too! Let's do nothing together!
Simmons: (trying to walk around Caboose) No thank you. Have a… um, nice day.
Caboose: What are you doing? (Skirts in front of Simmons) Church told me not to let anyone pass.
Simmons: Really? (Thinking) Um, he meant except for me.
Caboose: I'm sorry. He told me to shoot anyone who passed. (Aims gun) He's my best friend.
Simmons: (backing away slowly) Okay, no problem. (Shoots Caboose)
Caboose: Ow! No fair!
Simmons: Suck it, Blues! (Runs past Caboose's body towards Red Base)
Cut to outside Red Base. Simmons is running towards Blue Base, Grif following him in the distance.
Grif: Stop, Simmons! No! Stop!
Simmons: (far away) Suck it, Blues! (Sprays bullets at Blue Base)
Grif: Stop! No, I need you to move the am–
Simmons: (charging faster) Suck it Bl– (steps on a land mine and the mine explodes)
Grif: Ammo boxes… Idiot! Did he forget about the land mines we planted between Red Base and Blue Base? (Turns to walk back to Red Base) I guess I do have to– (steps on another land mine) Son of a bitch! (Explosion)
Cut to Caboose's side of the canyon. Tex walks up to Caboose.
Tex: (walks up to Caboose) Did those two Red guys blow themselves up with their own land mines?
Caboose: (favoring hurt foot) I think so. They were mean to me.
Tex: (sighs) Okay, whatever.
Caboose: Wait! Can you– (steps on a land mine) Oh no. (Explosion)
Cut to inside Blue Base. Church and Tucker are still bickering, but the argument has significantly escalated.
Church: (cocks gun) Get out, Tucker.
Tucker: Hey, what did I do? Bow chicka bow wow!
Church: Get. Out. (Aims gun)
Tex: (walks in) Two Red guys blew themselves up. And I think Caboose did, too.
Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow!
Church: Shut up! (Hits Tucker)
Tex: (annoyed) I'm leaving. (Leaves)
Church: …Tex?
Tucker: …
Cut to Tex walking outside of Blue Base.
Tucker: (off screen) Hey! (Gunshot) Son of a bitch!
Tex: Serves you right. (Continues walking towards Red Base)
Cut to inside Red Base. Sarge is standing with his back to the door.
Donut: (comes in from decorating the Warthog and faces Sarge) Sarge, you're gonna love the doilies and the fog machine–
Sarge: Where's Grif? He's been gone long enough! I still need him to move the ammo crates–
Donut: Grif? Grif and Simmons just died. They stepped on the land mines we set, though I don't remember there bring so many–
Sarge: Oh, dehrh. Simmons was a good soldier. (Fake tears) He will be missed.
Donut: (Sees Tex aiming sniper rifle) Sarge?
Sarge: Oh, Grif probably backstabbed him. Poor Simmons.
Donut: Sarge.
Sarge: Simmons probably never even saw it coming.
Donut: Sarge!
Sarge: What, Donut? Can't you see I'm mourning for our fallen comrades?
Donut: (points to Tex) Sniper!
Sarge: Oh Sam Hell! (Ducks)
Donut: (gets shot) Ah!
Cut to outside of Red Base, where Tex is.
Tex: Idiots.
Church runs up from Blue Base.
Church: Tex! I'm sorry! Wait, what are you doing?
Tex: (turns around) Hey Church. (Aims rifle)
Church: No! Stop! (Tex fires) Son of a bitch!
Tex turns, and with deliberate patience, sights Sarge in her scope and fires.
Sarge: (in distance) Son of a bitch!
Doc walks up next to Tex.
Doc: (in O'Malley's voice) Goodbye, Tex. Muh hah hah!
Tex: Wait, but our deal! My money!
O'Malley: (cocks gun) What deal? (Fires)
Tex: Son of a bitch! (Dies)
O'Malley: Now! Finally! I have all of Blood Gulch to myself!
Doc: But there's nothing here. We should just revive them all. (Waves healing wand) It'll be more fun.
O'Malley: Shut up. That's a bad idea. (whispers) But you are right. It's empty here. (Doc revives Tex)
Tex: Fuck you! (Turns off radio and shoots at Doc)
O'Malley: Ow. Told you it was a bad idea.
Tex: Leave, O'Malley. Just go. (Fires again)
Doc: Wait, you need me to heal– (Tex shoots him again) Blergh!
Tex: (grabs healing wand) I can do that myself. Where's Church?
Screen fades to black.
Church: Asshole!
Good? Bad? Too crazy? Feel free to let me know in a review :)