3x04: Bellamy is drowning in death and sorrow, and finds only once escape from it. But Bellamy forgets, poison blackens the heart and destroys the mind. As you feed it, it feeds on you.
It's like he's drowning.
Bellamy can't breathe. Not when he shoves a minimal amount of food down his throat. Not when he walks across camp and endures hundreds of sympathetic (unwanted) looks. Not when Octavia tries to talk to him, or Kane, or Abby, or Lincoln. He dresses robotically, washes robotically, even drinks himself into a stupor like a man high on drugs.
It's because he can't breathe.
He can't breathe.
He can't breathe.
Tears are constantly on the brim of his eyes. Needles forever stabbed into his heart. His blood either runs hot with a depthless anger or cold with a incurable sorrow. It's all too much and he doesn't know what to do to make it end.
Bellamy can't even bother to try and make it end. It's a punishment, this madness in his mind and body. A punishment he well deserves to serve day in and day out with no end in sight.
Gina is dead. Her body isn't even a body. There is no one to bury, no gravestone to visit, no spot of soil where he can fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. She's dead and he hadn't been there to save her. He had been gone, far away, and focused on saving another girl.
That girl isn't even here. His mission had been a fake and nothing-nothing-productive had come from it. His actions were worthless, his intentions for shit, and a girl is dead the other one is content to live and be close to the people who killed her.
Bellamy can't breathe.
How many people must be taken from him? How many of their people must die because of Grounders? When he isn't thinking of Gina, when he isn't thinking of her, he thinks about all the lives lost to the murderous inhabitants of the ground.
Jasper, almost killed because of them. Atom, dead and partially because of his actions. Finn, hurt and broken from this world and it's harsh environment, lead to kill because of it then paying for the sin with his life in the most awful way possible. Other innocent, confused, and hurt children of the 100 picked off day after day just because they had landed in those people's area of the world. It had been his job to protect, to lead them, yet so many were lost in the battle. Then Lexa had sent all those warriors to the dropship and so many more joined the buried.
Bellamy can't breathe. Gina is dead. She is still gone. So many are dead. Bellamy can't breathe.
Then Mount Weather happened. No, not technically the Grounder's fault for that. But their sin was committed when their Commander made that Godforsaken deal and turned their backs on him and his people. Then the blood of those deaths became stains on their hands. The Grounders were safe but not his people. And now survivors from Farm Station, who had felt safe and happy and finally reunited with their people, gone.
Bellamy doesn't want to listen to reason. He knows what he knows and this is the truth. Since the day they came to Earth, the Grounders have been a curse and plague upon those from the Ark. There had been to many bodies to bury because of them. Too many names to remember and and whisper in prayer.
Gina is dead. She doesn't care. So many people are dead.
Bellamy can't breathe.
Collateral damage in someone else's war. He sneers at the thought. His people have always been, and always will be, the enemy of the Grounders. No matter what truces have been made, they will be broken. No matter how many walls and fences will be built, they will be breached. The Grounders can not accept them and the feeling is mutual.
There is no peace to be found. It can not be found with already so much death and hatred between them. The damage has been done and it is irrevocable.
Pike whispers such truths into his ears and for a moment, Bellamy's mind stops spinning.
The same anger burns in Pike's eyes. He sees what the other cannot. He knows and refuses to forget-to forgive- the wrongs that have been done to their people. The dead plague his mind just as much as they plague Bellamy's. He revels in the guilt and anger Bellamy drowns in.
Pike helps Bellamy do the same.
Now, with a gun in his hand and the promise of revenge so close, Bellamy can breathe. It makes sense to do this. His blood boils and his heart pounds with the promise of hurting those who have hurt him. He can't think of anything else but that. Gina is forgotten. She is forgotten. All those people forgotten.
This is the now. Death is the now. And he will reign fire on those who have done the same to him.
This hatred and narrow focus brings him out of the foggy depth of his mind. Bellamy is breathing, yes, but what gives him air is like a poison. If he stops breathing it in, even for a second, the sorrow will be back and he will once again drown. So Pike doesn't allow that to happen. Bellamy doesn't allow that to happen. They focus on their hatred, they focus on the promise of death and retribution. There is no room for rationality, for a second thought or option.
Keep moving or you drown.
But Bellamy forgets, poison blackens the heart and destroys the mind. As you feed it, it feeds on you. Or maybe he doesn't forget, and wants exactly that to happen.
Maybe he doesn't want to breathe or drown anymore. Maybe he just doesn't want to be.
The gun is cold in his hand but it will be warm, very, very soon.