"What's his name?" I asked, softly, as my sister gently laid her now sleeping baby in his crib.
"Cailan." She whispered, stroking his hair lovingly.
"Cailan. You named him for Grandfather." I observed, smiling. "He would have liked that."
"I hope so." She murmured, before turning to me. "Okay, Katharean. Start at the beginning. I want to know everything."
I heaved a weary sigh, unsure if even I was ready to hear what I was about to tell her. There were so many things that I had deliberately avoided thinking about. But Selena was my sister, and she had been hurting: she deserved to know the whole truth.
"The stone that father gave me a few weeks before I left was a gift from a man claiming to be the King's nephew."
"The King's nephew..." She said, a spark of recognition flashing in her emerald eyes. "It was the King's nephew who came to the house the night you left asking for your hand in marriage." She recalled, frowning. I nodded.
"That was the story, anyway." I replied, gloomily. "He wasn't the King's nephew, Selena. And the stone he sent me was not a stone. It was a Dragon egg."
"I already knew that." She said, with a note of impatience.
"I'm aware. But you did ask me to start at the beginning. I don't want to leave anything out. So, anyway...the egg was sent to me by Galbatorix. I am still unsure as to how he knew it would hatch for me: twisted magics, no doubt, but he knew all the same. What he didn't know was that it would happen so soon. I believe he was so confident in father's loyalty to him that he assumed he would be informed of the event immediately. He mustn't have known of my contempt for him. That is my theory, anyway. The man he sent to deliver the egg under the guise of his "nephew" was actually a man named Murtagh."
Selena gasped in shock, a hand flying to her mouth. I looked up at her, surprised by her reaction.
"Murtagh Morzansson?" She asked, incredulously. "The Red Rider?"
Apparently Murtagh's notoriety had grown since I was last in this house. I supposed I should not have been surprised to learn that my sister knew who he was, but still...it was strange, hearing her say Murtagh's name with such fearful reverence. I felt like two of my worlds had collided without my knowledge. I had not thought so far into the future as to allow myself to imagine what it would be like if Murtagh and I were to be together in a time of peace, but I would have liked to think that I would be the one to introduce him to my family: that they already knew of him was a little disconcerting, especially because, judging from Selena's reaction to the mention of his name, I had a reasonably good idea of the kind of man he had been portrayed as. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to defend him.
"Selena, he is not the man you think he is. Galbatorix has him bound in chains stronger than you or I could comprehend. The King discovered Murtagh's true name and is using him and Thorn to do his bidding against their will. They may not be locked up in the King's dungeon, but they are his prisoners all the same."
"That's awful." She gasped, shaking her head, and I couldn't help but smile a little at her reaction.
"I know." I replied. "I know. That man...the one who does those terrible things, that's not Murtagh. The real Murtagh is kind and caring. And he's smart and funny and..." I trailed off, smiling a little as I let my mind wander back to the time I had borrowed my sister's name just long enough to discover all of the little things about Murtagh that I was so grateful for. "His hair is too long and his skin is a tapestry of scars and bruises...it would break your heart, Selena. I cannot deny that there is a darkness in him: he is plagued by the demons that were born of his childhood, fed by cruelty and hurt. He has seen and suffered terrible injustices...he has known such pain and loss...too much for one soul to bear. And yet...still...he has this light in his eyes sometimes. It's like...like he's looking at you, seeing you, for the first and last time. And the one thing that matters to you in those moments is that he keeps looking at you, keeps seeing you...because you feel completely exposed, completely vulnerable...but at the same time, you've never felt safer, never felt more real...it's like he's seeing everything you are: all of your flaws, all of your weakness, everything you feel you have to hide from the world: and he's not looking away. And you feel like maybe...just maybe...it's okay to let go of the mask. Suddenly, falling feels like flying...and you're not afraid. You don't have to hide any more...you don't want to hide any more. Because you know that, somehow, he sees beauty in your flaws and you need to find some way to make him see himself through your eyes, because you can't bear the thought that he has no idea how incredible he is...and he needs to know that he is everything to someone..." I trailed off, shaking my head to bring myself back to the present.
"You are in love with him." Selena said, her voice an odd mix of sadness and accusation. I had said too much. Of course I had. I should have stopped at "smart and funny", then she might have thought it was just a schoolgirl crush: something much easier to talk your way out of. With hindsight, I thought that perhaps the whole story wasn't such a great idea after all. But I was here now, and I had already opened the door. I might as well take Selena's hand and walk us both through it.
"Yes." I replied, unashamedly. "He is...remarkable. To know him...to truly know him, is to love him."
"And...does he...feel the same way? About you?" She asked, carefully.
"He does." I said, with a small smile.
"I do not understand..." She said, shaking her head. "We heard you were fighting with the Varden, fighting against Murtagh."
"No, I do not suppose it makes much sense at all, does it?" I asked with a wry smile. "But you know what they say: all is fair in love and war. That, by the way, is the least true cliché I have heard in my entire life. None of this is fair. None of this is right. Everything is a mess, all of it...Murtagh and I; my friendship with Eragon; everything I have done to you and to father; this...war that I have been thrust headlong into the middle of...it is like a nightmare that I cannot wake from: I admit, a great deal of it was my own doing but then again, nobody's perfect. Now there's a cliché I could really get behind."
"You are rambling, Katharean." Selena remarked, quietly.
"No." I replied. "I am stalling." I sighed, heavily. "A lot has happened over the last two years, Selena, and I know you want to hear it all. I want you to hear it all...but I do not want to tell it. I am just...it is difficult to talk about. There was a time when it seemed everything was going to be all right. There was a time...a brief window, when everything was perfect. And then it all just...went away. And nothing has been okay since. And I have tried so hard not to think about that perfect time, because when I do I feel as though someone has punched a hole through my chest and I can't breathe. So I do not think about it, and the pain dulls. It never truly goes away...the hurt. But if I don't think about it, I feel like I can breathe again."
She sighed and reached out to take my hand in both of hers.
"Take your time." She said, softly. "I will hold my breath with you."
My gedwey ignasia tingled slightly as her fingers brushed over it and I took a deep, steadying breath.
And then I dove in, head-first, recounting every important and unimportant detail of the last eighteen months. Selena remained silent throughout, gasping occasionally, shaking her head in disbelief at some of the more fantastic parts, biting her lip and frowning in sympathy whenever I recounted some of the more unpleasant moments...she was taking everything in, understanding everything, living every one of my memories as though she had been by my side the whole time. When I had finished, I turned to look into her eyes, and I knew that I had my sister back.
"And now I'm here. I came here," I gestured to the room around us, "to borrow a dress. It seems so trivial, I know. But none of this will work if I do not play my part to perfection. And so you see, that is why father cannot know that I am here. If he finds out what I plan to do tonight, he can ruin everything."
"Why would he do that, Katharean?" Selena asked, with a small smile. "Do you really believe our father remains loyal to Galbatorix? You are his daughter...his only real daughter. The second that Galbatorix made you an enemy, father made an enemy of him."
I blinked in surprise, shaking my head disbelievingly.
"Father...? But...I thought..."
"You thought wrong." She replied, simply. "Blood is thicker than water, Katharean. There is no way that he would place his political standing above his love for his child. You should have figured that one out on your own."
"I suppose I should have...I have done him an injustice by believing otherwise." I muttered, feeling wretched and wonderful in equal measures. My father did not hate me. He had not turned against me. He loved me: loved me enough to forsake his King. And I should never have doubted him. "Still...he believes me to be dead. For the time being, perhaps that is for the best. I do not wish to be cruel to him, you understand, but the fewer people who know of my presence here, the better, the safer it will be for all of us. And besides, even if he bears no love for Galbatorix, he may still try to stop me. He, of all people, knows how dangerous this will be. He will understand the consequences if things should turn sour. I understand those consequences perfectly. And if I am caught, I will be killed...or worse. I have made my peace with that. If I reveal myself to him now, and then I go and get myself killed, for real this time..."
"It would tear his heart out." She finished for me, sadly. "Just as it would break mine. But...Katharean..." She took my hands and looked at me with fierce determination. "If anything were to happen to you tonight, or any other night, I would welcome the pain of feeling your loss anew, because it would mean that I had this chance to see you again, one last time. Do not deny him this chance. I beg of you. I have seen what your loss has done to him. The guilt he felt over how you left things with each other tore him apart. He felt responsible, for everything. He was the one who pressured you into marriage, he was the one who gave you the Dragon Egg...he feels as though he drove from your home, drove you to your death. He has to know that it's not true, and he has to hear it from you, because you are the only one who can give him the solace that he deserves, that he needs. You have to give him this."
"Even if things go wrong and I break his heart all over again?" I asked, in a choked whisper as the guilt and the hurt threatened to breach the dam of my self-control. Selena nodded, slowly.
"Especially if things go wrong." She said, with such absolute certainty that I could not fail to pay heed to her words. I sighed, heavily, considering my options.
"Okay, Selena...I will...but I have some conditions. First thing's first...I need dresses: one for myself, and one for Arya. If all else fails, I need to get what I came here for. And I need masks. I know you still have some from the last few hideous balls we were forced to attend."
She nodded in confirmation. Of course she did. My sister was a self-confessed hoarder. The masks that were made for us were of the highest quality, I had known she would never be able to throw away anything so beautiful. In fact, I had counted on it.
"I think I have the perfect dress for you." She said, rising to her feet and making her way to the large, wall-length wardrobe across from us. She flung open the doors and started rifling through a collection of frills and taffeta before pulling out a floor-length, deep purple gown. She held it up to show me and I stood, feeling like a proper girl for the first time in a long time. It was beautiful. The bodice was sleeveless and corseted, with a simple, elegant neckline that would show just the right amount of décolletage to be provocative and still be considered ladylike. There was a smattering of tiny, glittering gems sewn into the corset, and the skirt was long and luxurious looking: deep, rich purple satin with a hint of a sheen to it.
"Now that is a dress." I grinned, reaching out to take it, running a hand lightly over the gemmed bodice. She turned back to the closet and returned with another dress, this one a deep, emerald green. It was pretty enough, but it was markedly less exquisite than the dress she had chosen for me.
"If this Arya is to pass as your lady-in-waiting, she will have to dress a little more modestly than you. And it's corseted so you can adjust it to fit her." She said, handing the dress to me. I accepted it with a grateful smile.
"Thank you, Selena. You know, if someone had told me a week ago that I would be here with you now, picking out dresses for myself and an elven princess, I would have laughed in their face." I grinned, shaking my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. "Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of humour."
"I was just thinking the same thing." She admitted with a small smile. "I'll fetch some masks for you to choose from..."
"Just pick something out, I trust your judgement. I have to leave for a time, but I will be back shortly." I said, conscious that time was getting on and I still had to visit Sel, my old stable-hand, to ask his wife to help me with a map of the castle. Selena frowned in concern. "Don't worry, Selena. I will be back. I swear it."
"Where are you going?" She demanded.
"To speak with someone who knows the castle. I have to find a way to get to the King's reservoir as quickly and as safely as possible. I should be back within the hour, if all goes according to plan. I will meet you back here when the task is complete, and then we can face father...together."
She nodded, but her frown remained in place. She pulled me into a tight embrace.
"Be careful." She whispered.
"I always am." I promised. I pulled away, gently, and flashed my sister a reassuring smile. She nodded in acceptance.
"I will distract father and the guards, give you time to get to the study." She offered.
"Thank you. I'll see you soon."
"I will hold you to that." She said, seriously. She strode to the door, pausing for a moment before she left. She turned back to me with a strange smile. "I love you, Katharean. Always have. Always will. Don't ever doubt that."
Before I could reply, she was gone. I sighed, deeply.
Care to explain what just happened?
Obsidian...you are back, then? I trust Arya managed to retrieve the invitation from the Trophers? I asked, anxiously.
Arya has the invitation, in accordance with the plan. He replied, stiffly. Speaking of the plan...what in the Maker's name do you think you are doing? Agreeing to meet with your father? Soliciting your sister's help? Katharean...what good can come of this?
Maybe none. I replied, honestly. But maybe, just maybe, I can get my family back.
I missed the part of your speech to Oromis and Eragon that said this was all about you. I thought we were striking a blow to the King, saving the villagers from untold anguish, not having tea and cakes with your family. He replied, with more venom than I had thought him capable of.
I will do all of the things that I said I would. But what am I to do? Ignore my duties as a sister? As a daughter? What are we without the people we love?
We are a Dragon and Rider. We are the would-be liberators of Alagaesia, the heralds and harbingers of a free state. But this is a selfish pursuit, and one that may harm our mission. He stormed, angrily.
If it does, I will accept full responsibility. But I will not allow fear of something that might happen stop me from trying to ease some of the pain I have caused those who have loved me and cared for me my entire life, Obsidian. I would expect a little understanding, from you more than anyone.
I will follow you, whatever you decide, Katharean. But if it is understanding you seek, I am afraid that that is beyond my capacity to give.
Right. So he wasn't going to abandon me, but he wasn't happy about it either.
No matter what I do, it seems I am going to anger someone that I love. My mind is made up, Obsidian. And I will not apologise for doing what I think is right.
I do not want your apologies, little Rider. I only want to see sense from you.
And I want a dragon who doesn't doubt every move I make. But I guess none of us are going to get what we want, are we? I replied, annoyed with his unhelpful attitude.
Am I not to call folly when I see it? He snapped back, and I slammed down the walls of my mind in anger.
"I wonder if Eragon and Saphira argue as much as this." I muttered to myself as I made my way to the door of Selena's bedroom, getting ready to make a break for the study. "Probably not."
I shook my head, trying to force back the gut-wrenching ache in the pit of my stomach. It is a feeling quite unlike any other, being at odds with one's dragon. But ours was a quarrel for another day. Right now, I had to get out of my father's house, unseen, reach Sel's home, convince his wife to betray her King to help me save the village, rise from the dead for my father, then put a dress on and dance in a room filled with people who hated me and everything I stood for, as well as Galbatorix himself and, knowing my luck, there was a better than good chance that Murtagh would be in attendance as well. And all this with an angry dragon at my back.
"Hundreds of lives in my hands, the risk of destroying every relationship I have ever forged, and almost certain death at the hands of everyone's favourite tyrant. Just another day in the life of Katharean Athem." I muttered, with false bravado. I turned my eyes skywards. "Whoever is up there, I know that this must all be terribly entertaining for you, but it is becoming a little old. I could really use some help getting through today...if you could just let me not die, that would be great."
AN: I'm uploading this now because I just am. That is my reason. It should have been up last week but I have been on death's door since Saturday. I swear to God, I have never been so sick in my entire life. I haven't eaten in four days, I am completely empty of everything except water. I'm like a costume of a person. I was lying in bed calling up all of my family and friends to say goodbye. I found a patch of dry skin on my hand and was like "Oh, great, now I have leprosy. Tell the children not to cry for me once I'm gone."
Also, I'm a drama queen. And I don't have children.
But enough about me. I struggled to write this chapter, and I think I might struggle with the next one, but once I get through that, I've got the next few already written so you'll get a couple of chapters all at once. Won't that be nice? Yeah...we all like serial updaters.
Please review! Because I still might die, you know. Your reviews might save my life.